Stop the presses. Stop the presses now. O.k I am glad you are taking responsibilty for what you did wrong in the relationship, but there are some big things that stick out for me. You had a vasectomy before your 2nd marriage, and your now wife knew this. Wake up alarm!!! She married you knowing this and she knew it would take surgery to get it reversed, and she decided not to even talk to you about it before saying "I do". We all know now that these things like kids, parents, house, need to be discussed before marriage so I'm not faulting you or her for not, but she should have been accepting of the consequences of not talking about it resulting in the delay. Second of all your step mother seems like a witch with an attitude. Not to get too biblical, but God tested Abraham with his son Isaac on Mount Moriah. He asked Ab to kill his son on that mountain and Abraham was prepared to do this. Metaphorically the Bible was telling us that parents need to "let go" of their kids when they turn adults over to God. They need to release the reigns over to God and just love their kids. Now your wife, an adult, has entered into another contract with God called marriage. Your stepmother is refusing to "let go" of her daughter over to God and respecting her daughter's marriage. I honesty think this woman is damning your marriage and slowly destroying it with negativity. It was or is your wife's respsonsibility to step up and tell her mother to butt out. Marriage and other relationships is about two people. It is not entirely your wife's fault, but it surely is not all your fault. Don't put all the burden on yourself. You don't need to tell your wife this, but don't feel completely guilty.
You missed something. It was important. You.. Need to lead.
You are the one posting and searching.
You got my vote.
You have to lead the way. You have to stand up, brush yourself off and lead the way. If you can pull that off with "No Emotion". She will follow you.
That does not mean tell her what to do. That does not mean control her. It means Lead. Be at the front of the line talking softly, listening closely, waiting for her to follow.
I will say it again. People will show you the way. You have done this before. Look back briefly and see what you would have done different. Don't dwell in it. The further you stay away from it (what you did before) the more of a leader you will be.
Lead on.
Did you see it that time?
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
I am not placing all the blame on myself..I'm just taking responsibility for my part. We did talk about kids before the marriage and the possibility that the vas could be reversed but there were money issues and my indecision about having another child led my wife to think that I was just stalling..Not the truth but my wife thinks that. We had things coming at us one after another, built a new house, pressure for a baby from W and her family, money issues, those things made me question the decision about having another child. I waffled=she thinks I made her wait on purpose. The MC let us both know tonight, my first marriage and W's dealings with her mother(not stepmother) were very big problems..If my W had stepped up to the plate and told her mother right off the bat to not interfere and back off then I don't think we would be where we are now..IMO You are correct mother has never let go and never will..I feel I must learn new ways to deal with her mother's guilt trips and not get angry. Getting angry puts my W in the middle. Not a good place for her.
Hey M....I don't know how BK got on the church wagon and started quoting stuff but I can tell you that dealing with the in-laws is sometimes a losing battle. Sure, deal with them when necessary but don't go and try to placate to them. Deal with her guilt trips? Nah....agree to disagree would be a better option. Accepting your faults is good. Preventing them from happening again....also a step in the right direction. Starting out in a new relationship, you have learned from your mistakes and prevent them from happening again. With your wife's issues, SHE has to deal with them, especially if it is something that is going on in her head. You really can't "fix" her problems....or correct the demons that are running around in her head. Ya see that stuff in a lot of sitches around here and you'll keep getting that line..."Work on yourself because you are the only one that can fix you"....and the best that can happen is that the current wife sees that and accepts the fact that you are making a consciensious(?) to make things work and get things going in the right direction.
Huh FA? Did you even fully read my post or are you just guessing to understand what I wrote? I never said that he should try to work with his mother n law, I told him that she is negatively influencing his wife. Try to comprehend before passing judgement.
I hear what everyone is saying. I am being patient and working on things I need to do to help me and my D2. I'm still home, papers have not been served. We are very civil to each other and are in counseling. I found this place and now feel I have a support group who have been through these types of problems. I am determined not to be the person who gives up on this M. The MC was great last night and I believe that she will show my W how her mother is damaging our marriage. The MC told my W last night, "we have not even begun to look at the issues with you and your mother". I have told myself to let my MIL actions slide unless they are used against my D. I know my W will step in if that happens because she has in the past. My W loves my D and being a child of divorce herself she has said over and over that she will not put D in the middle. I know my W has to fix the things with her M..I can't fix their issues only my W can.
By the way- one thing I have noticed all these sitches are very similar..pride and stubbornness got in my way early in the marriage..I've been letting that go since December.
"By the way- one thing I have noticed all these sitches are very similar..pride and stubbornness got in my way early in the marriage..I've been letting that go since December."
Liar...
"The MC was great last night and I believe that she will show my W how her mother is damaging our marriage."
Your MIL is not ruining your marriage. You are. You told me you were.
Where is this guy...
"I have told myself to let my MIL actions slide unless they are used against my D."
What if your wife is waiting on you "fixing" your "Guilt Trip"?
"I know my W will step in if that happens because she has in the past."
Why? Ask yourself why she would do this? Don't tell me it's because she loves D more.
"being a child of divorce herself she has said over and over that she will not put D in the middle"
What is she telling you? You will find I have a habit of answering my own questions.
She is telling you WTF up. She needs you to stand up. Brush yourself off. And Lead.
Dude.. You have been "here" before. I am not going to cut you any slack. You are telling me "she's the one"! Don't do the same thing all over again. Prove "Brandon Kirk" and his stats wrong.
Yes.. All this stuff is like Mad Libs. All you gotta do is change the "blanks".
You have a fresh page.
What are yours going to say?
Lead on.
Now as a side note I am going to fix some of the "Drama" in your post. You really did not need to see that.
I am here to support you. I will call you out when I see it.
Don't stop posting. You will learn alot.
Don't take offense to what I have to say.
I have been called "brutal" or "as*hole". I am ok with that.
If you ever deem what I say to have no merit. Please post it. I will walk away with my shoes "unscuffed".
Do work.
Relax Eat Think Act normal React.. Smartly. Do something different. Emulate. Do Work.
Dude.. You have been "here" before. I am not going to cut you any slack. You are telling me "she's the one"! Don't do the same thing all over again. Prove "Brandon Kirk" and his stats wrong.
You talking about my first M? Well the first W, she was a liar, was in an A. Lied and backed up her lies with more. Best thing I ever did was get a divorce from her. I'm not doing the same thing I did then if that's what you are referring to. I'm trying to change the way I am and the way i handle things in this marraige.
Tennessee, just stopping by to catch up on your sitch. I can see some good things from what I am reading. Your W is agreeing to MC, that is a great sign. Not many of us here have that positive going for us. One thing I would suggest, if you feel the MIL is a big part of the problem with your W, find a way for this to come out in counseling without you putting the blame on her. If your W is like my W, they are very close to there mothers and don't believe they are to blame for any of the mess that is going on. On a side note, does your W always try to please her mother?
When I first met my wife she lived in a town far away from her mother. When we got married her mother moved to the town we live in. We actually built our house on her mothers land which was a bad idea. My W even mentioned this to the MC. My W often gets guilted my her mother into doing things she really does not want to do. My W tells me about this and I used to get mad, withdraw...now I don't get mad. I tell my W that I am sorry that her M has done that to her and that my W should not let it ruin her day. That's the only way I know to react to it and the only thing I know to say.
