HAPPY BIRTHDAY RACHAEL!!!! Hope today is much better for you!! I do understand where you are at with the sex issue. My H and I are older than you (I'm 54 and he's 57) and things had slowed down a bit even before our "unhappy period" and his A. But we were still having FUN a couple of times a week (according to what I have read that's a little above average). Anyway,even during the brief A it stayed the same. Then after the A it increased to 4 times a weeks!! Boy,was I ever loving that !! Of course I had moments when he was too tired or feeing bad I would have one of my "paranoid episodes" and imagine that he was "thinking of her" or "he was making love to me so much because he was thinking of her"!! I know that was crazy thinking and I have gotten past that!! Then things slowed down a little more and we are at 2-3 times a week. At first bthis bothered me but I do know he has been under a LOT of stress at work (he'd been working nights for a couple of months and now he's back to days)and sometimes being mentally tired can be just as bad as being physically tired. I also do understand that as you age sometimes your "desire lessens". This does not mean he loves me less or he doesn't want me!! I am very fortunate in that my H loves to snuggle and cuddle!! When he is really really tired and we get into bed and he holds me very close and caresses my back and says "baby,you feel so good and I love holding you",it really doesn't matter if we make love...I just feel so happy,loved,cared for and appreciated!! It took some time but I have stopped thinking about the XOW when he's not "in the mood" to make love and I have stopped being paranoid about the "why he doesn't want to make love" and the frequency of our love making. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am finally starting to really trust in him and his love for me. If your H continues to show you and tell you that the XOW isn't in the picture and he gives you njo real reason to doubt him,I am sure that the trust will start coming back and the doubts and fears will lessen. There is really no "trick" I can tell you to use to get yourself through this. Just continue telling yourself that your H loves you,he chose to be with you,he is reassuring you when you ask (and he may not really be happy with having to do that) and it is you that he comes home to and goes to bed with every night!! HANG IN THERE HON!!! I know it is hard and I understand about the doubts and fears but don't let them obcess you to the point where your R is harmed!! Have a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY and remember I am here for you!! PAT
Because it is your birthday I am not going to yell at you about your actions. All I am going to say is look at your life like a movie not a "still" shot. You had a great breakthrough and things are definitely on a positive trend so don't let an off day send you reeling backwards. Give yourself a birthday present today, It is called "peace".
No, I did not get mad at your assumption that OW #2 was a result of me not learning my lessons of control and going ahead and confronting OW #1. It is just simply not true.
OW #2 was on the scene before he'd finished with #1, and that was months before I learned of OW #1. It was in October that he dropped the bomb of #1, apparently #2 had come on scene sometime around the previous May, as far as I can ascertain. He broke off with #1 in June. What a perfect illustration of just how confused he is, huh?
Anyway, I did not confront OW #1 until this past April. So, you see, it really had nothing to do with OW #2.
With all that being said, I am still having to learn to let go of that kind of control. I understand that it's my H's responsiblity to live up to his promises that the EA is over and to be 110% committed to OR. It's very difficult when he hurt me so badly once, knew that he had, and continued to lie and cheat -- not caring about the pain I was going through.
So, while I agree with so much of what you and everyone else has to say, I also realize that I must be true to myself. If I'm not, I will end up full of resentment and anger. After all, it's not just about our MLC'rs. Yes, they are going through emotional hell, but so are we. And if the first rule of DB'ing is to work on ourselves and think about ourselves for once, then I think I have the right to take this stand for my family.
My H knows I am standing by him. He's asked me to help him through this. He also wants me to do whatever I feel I need to do because he knows me and knows that if I don't things will never be right.
One last thing, it wasn't until I confronted OW #1 that I was able to finally but her out of my mind (until I saw her in Yosemite, of course!!). Really, that is the way it was. She is now totally a dead issue with me.
So, maybe the fact that I've already called this OW is enough. I will try to let go of that. Please keep prayin for me.
I went through the same thing with my H. When he dropped the bomb back in October he wanted me all the time. After a while things started to slow down some. Part of that was normal -- neither one of us could keep up that pace forever. Part of it was his guilt over what he'd done. Part of it, apparently, was his guilt over what he was still doing, which at that point had'd progressed to ILY's, but he still knew that having contact with this OW #2 was wrong and that he was having "feelings" for her.
So, then we fast-foward to when the ILY's apparently started with OW #2. He started having trouble completing the act. That was a viscious cyce, because when that would happen he'd be afraid of it happening again so he'd obscess about it; and, of course, it would happen again. I realize now that he was probably experiencing excruciating pain and guilt and this was how it was manifesting itself.
At one point a couple months ago my H told me he "didn't love me the way I deserved to be loved," and that he wasn't sure he was committed to OR anymore. Oddly enough, that seemed to take some pressure off him and things started improving in that department.
When I found out about this OW #2, he really thought it was over and that I wouldn't give him another chance. He knew he didn't deserve another chance, but he was terrified of losing me and the kids. I made him sleep downstairs (first time ever in 19 years together -- no matter how angry I was at him). He came up to my room immediately in the morning upon hearing me walking around. He laid on the bed next to me and talked and talked and talked. All the while just running his fingers up and down my arms or my face or my back. He just needed physical contact. At one point he tried to get a little more personal and I wouldn't let him. That's the first time that's happened in 2 years. I guess he felt at that point that he was really losing me. He grabbed me with both arms and legs and just held on tight, even as I tried to get away.
So another night downstairs alone, alot more talking -- with me and the kids -- and he asks me for another chance; tells me that he knows he loves me; asks me to help him through this crisis (first time in all this mess he admitted that he was in crisis); and tells me he's committed 110% to OR. He told me at that point that his libedo was not what it used to be (he's Latin and VERY sexual), and if he didn't seem as interested or things didn't "work" right, for me not to think it was because of the OW.
Well, things have "worked" perfectly every time -- and there have been many times in the past two weeks. I do see a slight slow down since he returned to work, but I am not concerned. I do not think it has anything to do with me. He hates his job. And, quite frankly, he's depressed (he finally admitted that's probably true -- geeze!!). Depression takes a toll on one's libedo. Guilt -- which he's experiencing a mega dose of -- takes a toll on libedo.
And, Rachel, a spouse who's questioning him all the time and making him think about things that he'd rather forget can take a toll on his libedo!! Try to control your need for affirmation. Try to control your need to question him about the OW. Try to act happy, be flirtatous, have fun.
If you were not very sexually responsive in the past, the fact that you are now and are whinning about his lack of response (don't get mad. I've been there myself) is making him suspicious regarding your sudden change in libedo. A man wants to be wanted for himself, not because we're afraid of losing them.
You might also trying just backing off a little for a while and see what happens. Let him come to you. Let him "know" that you want him, but don't get moppy if he's not responsive. Make him WANT to be with you, Rachel. Think about it. Would you feel responsive if your H was acting the way you are right now?
Be strong, hon. You can make this work. You have the power.
I'm trying with everything Ihave in me MAttie to try. Some days its just so DRAINING. If I had to work now I don't know what I'd do. I worked for the 6 months he left me and then 3 months after he came back and the anxiety and panic were just so terribly bad I finally couldn't do it anymore. I had to have time to heal mentally and physically. THey are bopth coming along VERY slow. I usually don't get moppy if he can't or won't perform. I know I could make him if I really tried, but I want him to wan tme so I back off. I will just be his friend and girlfriend and let him come to me. What bothers me is when you have the least little fight or blow up they think your back to square one. WEll at least he was thinking that way last night. He is being very loving today-already stopped by the house 2 times and keeps wishing me a Happy Birthdayand telling me he loves me. I have NO IDEA what last night was all about. I guess it was about old habits. HE fell into it and then I followed right along. You'd think we'd know better after allthis money I'm speding on C. She is WONDERFUL-we could use seeingher twice a week but could nver afford that, so its once every other week and we are really ready for it every time. WE do make headway. Wouldn't be wonderful if there was a magic way fro us to know if they are 100% telling us the truth? I would feel so much more at ease if there were. After beinglied to fro solong you want to beleive them so bad youwonder if you can trust them or your own judgement! TIme is the only thing that will tell. I hate that! HE's leaving fro a 10 dy mototrcycle trip with our next door neighbor and at least I won;t have to worry abou thim then, but I'll miss him ,ike crazy. Maybe it will do us good to be apart fro a little while. I think your right about the sex thing. Andy says I use it as blackmail which my husband has more or less said hmself-that's where Andy got it. He actually said I use it as a tool-smae thing I guess. Your right-he wants to be wanted for himslef not becasue I want to keep him or use it as a tool. I will be more careful in that dept and see how things pan out. Thanks for the B-day wishes! Rachael M.
I am glad that it was NOT the case of having to re-learn a lesson; more simply put, it was HIS weakness that drove him into another affair.
I agree with being true to yourself, BUT ask yourself if you REALLY want your marriage, and if you do, learn the lessons and put in the work to bring it back together again. That is being true to yourself, and knowing what YOU want.
The changes you are making are for YOU, not him, and will benefit you greatly. As well as learning Forgiveness and Acceptance.
The road will be a long one, and there will be times when you will feel like you are so alone and can't go on much longer, but yet find the strength to hang on.
He will NOT take total responsibility for what he did until later on. If you hold out for that now, you are in for a big disappointment. The confusion is so crazy on their part it is unreal, and the child-like actions on his part will floor you.
There will be time later on for accountability, right now you must concentrate on doing what he has asked you to do, help him through it, without pressuring him. It does NOT mean he has gotten away with it, it only means he lacks understanding of what he has done, and right now FEAR of losing you and the children is driving him to do the right thing. Doesn't make sense, I know, but remember, I have been in your shoes, having come LONG past that part of it.
Mine did not start taking responsibility for his actions until three months after he came out of the tunnel, but fear has kept his mouth shut thus far on the affair. I haven't said anything, but his conscience is eating him up by the day, still yet.
Rachel,
Lack trust is normal after discovery of an affair, and it will take time to rebuild that trust.
Lack of libido, even if there ISN'T an OW is NORMAL in MLC. It is the result of stress, guilt, and confusion on the MLC'er's part.
Sex is NOT the end-all and be-all of marriage. It is only a part.
Things change greatly at Midlife, and ONLY if things are running smoothly in the OTHER departments of the marriage will it work right.
It's like the opposite of what it was when you were younger. It took me time to understand that, as although we'd had no trouble at all in the first fifteen years of our marriage, things took a different turn during his Midlife Crisis. OW was in the picture, and the EA had turned PA just before the break-off. She didn't want to let him go and tempted him. But yet, I also saw symptoms of Adropause (male-menopause) too.
When I stopped pressuring him about sex, it all came back together.
Be patient with him, and believe me when I say if things are not as they should be, YOU WILL KNOW.
Kinda had a lightbulb moment when I was talking to my mom. I wanted to get some opinions.
It occurred to me that when H dropped the bomb about his A last October, I immediately started reassuring him that I wanted to work things out, didn't want him to leave, and that I wanted to keep all of it from the kids, friends, family. Basically, I think I gave him free reign to continue the EA!! I was doing all the work in trying to repair the M. He still had his little bimbo to stroke his ego when the going got tough at home.
I think that with the discovery of the EA, he realized I was finished with my part as an accomplice to his crime. I was no longer going to enable him to continue his addiction. Once I started telling people and telling him to leave, he realized it could really be over and he made the decision to be 100% committed to OR. He knows the ball is pretty much in his court now, and I believe he's finally ready to do the work he needs to do.
HEarts blessing. I just read you rpost AFTER I wrote my concerns about wha tis going on-or rather NOT going on sexually here. What do you mean if things re not as they should be I will know? How will I know? THe sex thing could be a sign that heis cheating again. or it coud ne normal MLC stuff. ITs just that its such a sudden change-he was fine for quite awhile after he came back. Its jsut in the last 3 weeks or so it's been getting worse and has me wondering. How should I treat it. I think he feels bad about it but not bad enough to tell me it has nothing to do with the OW, or to even TRY to get into it. Makes me really wonder... Rachael M.
![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}
!! Of course I had moments when he was too tired or feeing bad I would have one of my "paranoid episodes" and imagine that he was "thinking of her" or "he was making love to me so much because he was thinking of her"!! I know that was crazy thinking and I have gotten past that!! Then things slowed down a little more and we are at 2-3 times a week. At first bthis bothered me but I do know he has been under a LOT of stress at work (he'd been working nights for a couple of months and now he's back to days)and sometimes being mentally tired can be just as bad as being physically tired. I also do understand that as you age sometimes your "desire lessens". This does not mean he loves me less or he doesn't want me!! I am very fortunate in that my H loves to snuggle and cuddle!! When he is really really tired and we get into bed and he holds me very close and caresses my back and says "baby,you feel so good and I love holding you",it really doesn't matter if we make love...I just feel so happy,loved,cared for and appreciated!! It took some time but I have stopped thinking about the XOW when he's not "in the mood" to make love and I have stopped being paranoid about the "why he doesn't want to make love" and the frequency of our love making. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I am finally starting to really trust in him and his love for me. If your H continues to show you and tell you that the XOW isn't in the picture and he gives you njo real reason to doubt him,I am sure that the trust will start coming back and the doubts and fears will lessen. There is really no "trick" I can tell you to use to get yourself through this. Just continue telling yourself that your H loves you,he chose to be with you,he is reassuring you when you ask (and he may not really be happy with having to do that) and it is you that he comes home to and goes to bed with every night!! HANG IN THERE HON!!! I know it is hard and I understand about the doubts and fears but don't let them obcess you to the point where your R is harmed!! Have a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY and remember I am here for you!! PAT![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif){kind=icon}
PAT