The OW called my H this morning at work. She wanted to know "what happened," and how he was doing. He told her the abreviated version of the story and that he was "doing as well as could be expected."
She proceeded to tell him that it was not in the cards for her to ever be happy and that God wanted obediance from them (OW and my H), and then she quote scripture. Boy, that pissed me off. What a hipocrite. I hate when people knowingly and willing commit sin and then when they get caught start quoting scripture
Anyway, she said she had told her H about what had happened because she was afraid that I would tell him and she wanted it to come from her. How nice. Wish I would have gotten the same consideration. Her H was mad, but said he loved her.
My H said the conversation was very, very short -- couple of minutes. They were both apparently rather curt with each other. H told her there was to be absolutely no contact, phone calls or otherwise. He said neither one of them said they loved each other at the end of the conversation -- just good-bye.
I was glad my H was forthcoming with this info. I consider it a baby step to winning back my trust. I am very distrustful of this OW's motives for calling my H, however. After all, she told him 2 weeks ago that my finding out about them was a "sign from God," and that they should just leave things where they were. My H agreed. To him, that meant it was over. There was no reason for her to contact him again except to try and feel things out; test the waters, so to speak. I think she was hoping he'd tell her we were through and there was now a chance for a future with her.
I told my H about my theory and he replied that it didn't matter what she wanted or hoped for. As far as he is concerned, it's dead, and that's all that really matters. I told him that my concern was she'd continue to try and contact him occasionally just to "see how he's doing" and that could really mess up any progress we've made. He said if he picks up his phone again in the future and hears her voice, he will just hang up. I told him I didn't believe he could do that considering how much he hates to hurt peoples' feelings (except mine, of course). But, no, he said he knew that would be for the best and that is what he'd do if the occasion arises. Don't know if I believe him, but what choice do I have?
Oh, one other thing H told the OW was that there would never be any chance of a future together. He didn't want a future with her. He didn't want anything from her anymore.
Regarding his C'ing sessions, he said he was able to get an appt for this Monday night!! He was actually pleased. He wants to get started. We talked a little bit about depression. He's much more open now to the possiblity that he's been depressed for a long time. He was even looking for his old prescription of Wellbutrin to see if there was enough left to start taking now. That's how bad he's feeling.
Hearts Blessing,
I agree with you concerning my mom's request for a one-on-one with my H. I don't think he can take much more at this point. It would be hard to go dark on them. My step-dad has Alzheimer's and my mom needs us for support.
I think I will tell her that I want her to wait until after he's had some C'ing sessions; let him start letting off a little steam before he faces them.
Our best friends insisted we go to see them when we got home from vacation. That's been a tradition for 15 years. H was apprehensive -- he had talked with him, but not her before we left. He didn't want to face my best girlfriend. But he did, and what he found was that they still loved him and just wanted to help in any way they could. My GF and I have made a pact to not discuss this anymore as couples unless H wants to. We will just together and have fun like we've done in the past.
Dare I say that I think we are FINALLY on the road to recovery. I think I said that at some point in the past. I see now that it was just I that was on that road. H took a wrong turn somewhere, but has finally found his way. He's still quite a few miles behind me, though. I'm gonna stop at the next rest stop, have some of that coffee that Lily suggested, and wait for my H to catch up.
Yes, God does work in mysterious ways, doesn't he? I think I needed to start my journey and learn my lessons so that I'd be capable of handling the situation when the time was right. Apparently, I'd reached that point and God said, okay, Matilda's ready -- it's time for her hubby to start his journey. It still boggles my mind when I think about how this last turn of events came about. It also scares me to think what might have happened in the future if I had not listened to God when he told me that something was wrong and guided me to the truth. Friends, I have NEVER snooped like that before. I wasn't even sure I knew how to do it. I think things were escalating between them, and considering my H's emotional crisis, who knows what might have happened. Yes, I truely believe God stepped in and said, "Enough."
Thank you.
Pat,
Thanks, Hon. I know you've posted to me a few times recently. I'm sure you understand that I was just plain too tuckered out to reply directly. My PMA is rising again. I just hope I don't get slammed once more. We went through much of the same things back when the bomb dropped originally. He said and did all the right things; agreed wholeheartedly to MC'ing, etc.
What is different now is that he wants to go to C to get answers for himself (don't forget, H didn't put much stock in C'ing in the past -- probably cuz he knew it was a waste of time and money since he was still being dishonest); he's starting to see that he might be in depression; and the way he says ILY makes me actually able to believe it -- sometimes!!
Oh, by the way, no more of those pesky sex problems. Things had been going pretty smoothly in that area for a little while just before this 2nd bomb was dropped; now, it's pretty darn terrific again. No problems whatsoever!!
Well, I've gotta take one day at a time. Today was a pretty good day.
MATILDA ...I am really happy to read that those "pesky little sex problems" have vanished!! Seriously though,it really looks like things are on the right track and there is light at the end of that long dark tunnel you were both in for so long!! I am so happy for you!!!!
Cannot believe that woman had the "balls" to call and even quote scriptures!! Geez,she sounds like she isn't playing with a full deck!! Anyway,sounds like your H handled it very well and it is a good sign that he told you all about it. I thought back to the time when my H broke off his A and then she had the nerve to write and ask him if they could still be "friends". And then my idiot H sees nothing wrong with that!! I gave him an earful about that and I think he finally "got it"!! I wonder sometimes what goes on in the minds of these women!! "FRIENDS" my A**..they are hoping that things will go wrong again with the W and they will still have a hold on the H!! They are also thinking that things couldn't possibly be as "great" as the H is telling her if he is still in contact with her!! When I told my H that,he said he never thought about that but it made sense...well duh-h-h-h!!!! Sounds to me like your H "gets it" and I feel that he will continue to be honest with you and will tell you when he hears from her. One thing he might consider is,if she continues to call him,he could tell her if it doesn't stop he will contact her H and tell him. Her H says he loves her and he has forgiven her but wonder if he'd keep feeling that way if she won't leave your H alone!! It's like I told my H..if the contact doesn't stop,I cannot continue to work on our R no matter how much I love him and in spite of the fact I did forgive the A!
Hearts Blessing, Thank you so much for your post.SO much of it is true and I can see that sometimes he does withdraw from me-he tries not to show it but I can always feel it. Just little things like not holding me as tight in the AM before he goes to work-me trying subtly to ininitate sex-When he is that way I don't come on too strong because I don't want him to feel like he HAS to perform. I just let it go and know that he will come to me in a day or so. It used to upset me so much becasue I thought it meant it was that he was missing "her". I don't know if that's true or not, but I don't pressure or ask if he is thinking of her, because it could be so any other things and why put her in front of his face?? You said I will see him be more peaceful. What do you mean by that-give me some examples of how your H seemed more at peace please. I want to be looking for those times. He does seem happy for the most part.Friends have even commented on it. Its just the distance thing maybe like once or twice a week that I wish would go away, but I know it will-by he middle of the day when I talk to him he will probabvly be fine. One thing that has me concerned is that we talking in C about him reassuring me without me having to ask. The C pointed out that that is so much more effective than me having to ask for it. He agreed, but has not done it yet.I don't know why-he knows I need it right now. Of course my mind wonders and I think is he not doing it because he is still having contact with her and does not want to be a liar, or is it because he simply does not want to bring it up because it brings back feelings of guilt for him? I wish I knew the answer to that one. IT gets my anxiety going again just thinking about it and wondering if he is havig some kindof contact with her. When there is no sure way to know you just have their actions to go on. I wish he was a little more forthcoming with the reassurance,but that is where you said I would have to be paitent with him and I am. I am giving him all the admiration and affection I know how. I think he notices a difference in me in that respect. I did take him for granted for years,but not anymore. Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 47. This time last year he was in the middle of his A and I did not know it but I knew somethig was wrong. I hope he does not pull someting like Matties husband did by contacting her agian. I think he is really done with her from what he says and does. We all want absolute proof but there is none is there? It's very hard to rebuild the trust once it has been so betrayed, but I know it can be done. He is trying very hard, although he does not ever bring it up. Either I ask him for reassurance which I have not because I made a pact with Lily that I would not ask him for 21 days, or it is brought up in C, but our C does not want us to dwell on it but get to the part of rebuilding and finding those thigns we love about each other rather than me telling him every week how much he hurt me. He already knows this. I will jsut keep trusting, and like I said before- praying that God will turn all this into good, and that if there is anything I should know about that it will be made known to me. My feelings sometimes seem so real that I am just sure that he is talking to her, but more and more I realize we ALL have those feelings and that they are normal-it's because of the broken trust. Then I look hard to see if there is any indication that there is any proof of it and there never is except the ditancing once in a while. Most of the time our sex life is great. It's just before all this happenened all I had to do was touch him or look at him and he would be ready. Now its not ALWAYS that way, but that too I am told is normal.(In his defense, we were together intimatly 3 times over the weekend so maybe he needs a rest!) Thank-you again for responding. I am tring to be strong through this and do the right thing and I need everyone's help here on this board to help with my PMA which is not too good right now and to tell me not to go by my FEELINGS all the time because I am so hurt and mistrustful still. Please resppond when you can about the peaceful things you see in your H and how you handled it when the Feelings of mistrust came up. Thanks so much! Rachael M.
Yeah, I think my H is finally getting it, too. I did mention yesterday that there is no way they could continue to be "friends." He agreed, said, "No, no. No way." The whole thing is just one more embarassment/humilation that he has to suffer. Boy, he better be getting it by now.
I'm absolutely certain that she called yesterday hoping he say how miserable he was and that he missed her and wanted to continue on with her. She had no other reason for making contact with him.
I am struggling right now with the need for me to contact her. I want her to know that because of her my kids had to find out what their father has done. I was able to keep things from them in the past, but she was the last straw. Because of her, he now has to face his children's loss of respect. She has no children. She had nothing to lose by playing games with my H.
I also want her to know that my H has been in an emotional crisis for 2 years and that she was simply an escape for him. She did nothing for him except make his life more miserable as he got more and more confused. There are many things I'd like to tell her. I know everyone here will tell me to forget her. She's not the problem, just a symptom. But, you all know how I feel, I hate to let people get away with things. It did make me feel S-O-O-O good when I confronted OW #1. It was something I needed to do for myself.
Tammy-Tank-you fro your insight-I will read and reread it as I need to. Today is one of those days. The insecurity and betrayal of an affair are hard to get through, but I bleieve God is giving me the insight to know what to do when.I come here to post my FEELINGS about it all. THey are crazy and hurt nad mixed up, but I bleive I'm doing what I need to be doing when I am with him , Again thank you~ Rachael M/
I really can understand your need to contact this woman. I remember how much it helped you when you confronted the XOW. I know you will think about it before you take action. But I believe that you have to do what you feel will help YOU!! You have had a lot to deal with and you have given 100 % to your H and your R but you have to give something to MATILDA!! What's going to make her feel good? What's going to help her deal with this? I have battled with the thoughts of confronting the XOW as I have told you before. I still every once in a great while have this "dream" of having a nice long conversation with her but I still know in my heart that I really don't need to. It has been so long now I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing that I still think about her!! Everyone is different. I honestly believe that meeting her face to face was not the best thing for me or in God's plan or we would have run into her those 3 times we went to her "hang out". When she wouldn't talk to me on the phone there was nothing more I could do and I took all this as a sign that it "wasn't meant to be". I know that you have faith in God and you pray about your R. So continue to do that and if it's the right thing for you to do in confronting this W I know that He will show you the way. FOLLOW YOUR HEART & YOUR INSTINCTS!!!! Take care! Your Friend,PAT
quote:I am struggling right now with the need for me to contact her. I want her to know that because of her my kids had to find out what their father has done. I was able to keep things from them in the past, but she was the last straw. Because of her, he now has to face his children's loss of respect. She has no children. She had nothing to lose by playing games with my H.
I also want her to know that my H has been in an emotional crisis for 2 years and that she was simply an escape for him. She did nothing for him except make his life more miserable as he got more and more confused. There are many things I'd like to tell her. I know everyone here will tell me to forget her. She's not the problem, just a symptom. But, you all know how I feel, I hate to let people get away with things. It did make me feel S-O-O-O good when I confronted OW #1. It was something I needed to do for myself.
What would contacting OW accomplish? Except to give her the knowledge that this has hurt you and she couldn't care less about what you or your husband are going through-all she cares about is herself-and nothing you say will make a difference.
You give her power when you contact her, and that's power you don't have to spare.
I never spoke to the OW. As far as I was concerned she wasn't worth speaking to, and she was nothing but dirt under my feet.
Besides if you contact her, you could open a can of worms that might NEVER be closed as she would get a great deal of joy out of YOUR pain.
One more thing; the responsibility for keeping the door closed on this affair is your husband's, not yours, and it is ONE of the many lessons of CONTROL you must still yet learn; for you can control yourself, but not HIM.
You are NOT his mother and you have to learn to allow him to keep the door shut on this. The decision is HIS alone.
SHE WAS A SYMPTOM of a greater problem not ALL of it, Matilda, for heaven's sake, let her go, and get on with your life.
I, myself, struggled with it, too, and was brought to this SAME understanding I'm passing on to you. You will save yourself much heartache in the long run, by simply ignoring her.
Your husband is letting you know when/if she calls and that should be enough.
*edit*
quote: But, you all know how I feel, I hate to let people get away with things. It did make me feel S-O-O-O good when I confronted OW #1. It was something I needed to do for myself.
You're going to get mad, but I now realize why he got OW #2--You didn't learn one of the lessons of Control, and so you had to recycle that one.
The lessons MUST be learned or you get to recycle until you do.
"The only person you can control in this life is YOURSELF."
Please don't make the SAME mistake again, Matilda.
You husband is presently exiting the tunnel-and nowhere near Acceptance at this time.
Although he will show some signs of peace-(he will stop saying things that make no sense, attempting to get close to you again, attempting to be more cheerful, and trying to act more like himself in spite of the depression) the inner turmoil will STILL come up from time to time UNTIL he reaches Acceptance.
And you are seeing these things already, but keep standing back and watching his actions.
Just because they exit the tunnel DOES NOT mean they are almost finished with MLC.
Far from it-they have a good ways to go before they reach the final stage and the answers continue to come from them, not you.
They must STILL face their issues, and resolve them as they go on through. And that takes TIME.
Keep working on yourself, and let him come on through.
Hearts Blessing-I can tell he still has inner tumoil. Yesterday was a very hard one. He Avoided me sexually although tried to make it look like he was not, We had to take our S. to the Dr. And he asked me What I was takning. I told him nothing tht I didn't aways take-He told me my speech was slurred, which it WAS not. It was how he said it-not concerned or anything,but accusatory. I let it go until we left the Dr.s office. I might add I talked a great deal to the Dr. and if my speech was slurred it would have been very apparent and our S. would have noticed. When we left he had to go somewhere to deliver something and then on his way home he called me and said he had to go to a jobsite to take them something they needed tp finish a job last night and asked if I wanted to go. I asked him if he wated me to go and he acted very indifferent and said It's up to you, I don't care. this hurt my feelings very bad so I opted not to go. Later I called him on his cell phone and asked tried to talk to him. He turned everything I said around to make it sound loke it was me who wsa causing the controversy. I tpld him he had hurt my felings and he did not say a word about that-no I'm sorry or anything. He was saying things like "its so hard to talk to you". Last week he had told me he was happy when I asked him and I asked him if he was. NOW, his answer was "sometimes I am and sometimes I'm not". I was very calm through all this and did not get mad-I was trying to avoid a fight. I finally said lets just stop doing this and forget it ever happened- just come home-I know he was where he said he was going because I could hear the guys in the background. He called me when he was on his way home and I said "I have candles lit."(means we want to be romantic) He just siad "oh, you do"? I told him Iloved him and then waited for him to get home. I have to tell you that it all seemed so strange, and that I was so afraid that he had been with the OW or had at least talked to her that day because of his actions..IT was like he was trying to pick a fight so he did not have to be with me. When he got home I made him some dinner and he had hurt his back lifting a door. He lay on the floor and did some back excercizes and I layed next to him and rubbed sports creme on his back. When we went to bed he wanted to lay on the heating pad, so I put it under him. I did somethings to try and pleasure him but he could or would not get into it. He said let me rest and then I'lll get up and take a shower and then we'll "play". He fell asleep and I left him alone.I was dying inside, iwas so sure he had been in contact with e "her". This morning he woke up and wished me a Happy Birthday(I'm 47 today) and I could tell he was trying to keep from getting intimate. He got up and went into the bathroom and took a shower. He came back outand I asked him to lie next to me for a minute-On thursdays he takes his employeees out to breakfast, so he leaves before 6. He did and held me and I asked him if he had been in contact with OW or had seen her. He said no. I asked him if he promised, and he said yes. I asked him if I could trust him and he said yes. Just short answers, nothing more. The last thing I asked him was if he WANTED to contact her and he said no. I just held him and told him I wanted us just to be happy again, better than before. He just stroked my head and looked into my eyes.He got up and got dressed, came over and kissed me goodbye-wished me HB again and told me he loved me. Tammy, he is a very sexual man. NOTHING used to keep him from wanting it. A sore back never would have stopped him before, He was just not interested, and that happens from time to time lately, It seems he does not want it nearly as much. When he first came home we made love almost every night, sometimes twice a day. What is happening? Why did he act that way? I was so upset I was shaking all over while he was gone, and had a panic attack,but I was composed by the time he got home. Is this normal or could he really be still talking to the OW and still lieing to me? It seems to me there is a pattern of this kind of behavior once a week on tuesdays or wednesdays, so that got my mind wondering if he talks or sees her on those days. He would not want to be with both of us on the same day. Is this all just me being paraniod,is it normal for them to act like this? SHould I really be concerned that he may still be involved witht he OW even though he promised he's not? I'm so confused and hurt and scared.I don't know what to do to know if he's being truthful. The sex thing really worries me-its just so out of character for him and I know he avoided sex while he was in the A. What should I do???? Please help me to understand all this. Rachael M.
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Things had been going pretty smoothly in that area for a little while just before this 2nd bomb was dropped; now, it's pretty darn terrific again. No problems whatsoever!! 
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