Mattie-I am so glad to hear your H is almost at the end of his journey. It's a long, hard road to take becasue we go with them in our own way. It's painful to watch the different stages they go through. I wanted to ask you about my sitch and your opinion of it. My threads is "together again" To sum it up my H was acting very withdrwan from me and distant, and he would get angry at me over nothing so I was careful what I said or else I would blow up back at him. I knew nothing of MLC. Then one night we had a huge fight and he left. Our S was out of town so I was glad he was not here. He moved into a rental house and was there for 6 months during which time we saw each other, were intimant quite a few times, but I couldn't get him to come home. He kept blaming our sitch on me. I had asked him a couple of times while he was still home if he was having an affair. He denied it. I did most of the initating while he was gone. He would tell me he loved me if I told him first. He was all over the place with is emotions. AT first he was very depressed, then angry and I did not have a clue what was going on. I read Michele's books and started working on the things I should be doing with a man in midlife. I tried to talk to him and everytime he would say he did not want to come home because nothing had changed. I could tell he was torn though. I knew he still loved me. FInally one night when we were having an very emotioanal discussion he FINALLY agreed to go to C. I made the appt the next day and 2 sessios into it I dicovered he had been having an affair for 2 1/2 yrs! I was so angry, hurt and devastated. He called me on my cell phone crying and opologizing, and sayign he didn't know how he let it get to that-that it never should have happened. He opologized to every one of our kids and to our friends. He totally broke it off with the OW telling her we were in C. to work on our M. HE promised in C. that if he ever saw her or she tried to contat him he would tell me. He promised no more lies. He did go to her house to pick up his electric saw, which she had called him about. He told me in C. about it and that she got very angry at him and told him to never call her,etc. He drove down to Fl. While My S and D and grandson were on spring break just to surprise us for our S 16th birthday party. He was prepared to stay somewhere else because he did not know How I would react. I forgot to tell you the day we left for the trip he came by the house and we cried and held each other because we had never taken a trip without each other before. It was very touching and painful. HE gave me money. Anyway we were together the whole time down there and when we came back he moved back in. He was reluctant at first, afriad that I had not changed. I had been severly depressed and sexually shut down for yrs on and off. I had chaged DR.'s was on new medication that did not shut me down sexually and determined NEVER to take him for granted again. IT was hard at first. There was not trust for me there, I was asking him a coule times a week if he had had any contact witht he OW. He was patient with me and always told me to ask him rather that let myself get worked up about it because No, there had been no contact nor would there be. He also promised not to answer his cell if he saw it was her calling. She has never called him to this day. He had said he did not think she would. She was very angry-I asked him if it was because she though she had a future with him and he said he NEVER siad anythng about Marriage to her at all. THey had been friends before the A, but that was all. I knew her but not well. She has three children, a grandchild that is like her own and her Mother living with her! We talked in C how all this came about and he was still very remorseful, but we talked about how he felt hopeless and that he did not feel loved or wanted. He told me he never stopped lovoing me and she would ask him if he still loved me and he would tell her yes. He also said he had loved her but in a different way. She was there for him-to meet his needs and make him feel wanted and it was hard for him to hurt her but he knew what he had to do. SO, we were separated for 6 months-he had been in an affair over 2 yrs before he moved out and now he has been back for 5 months.We have been married fro almost 30 yrs. I am 46 and he is 48. We were maried very young but have always been very much in love. I had a break down 11 yrs aog becasue of all my undealt with baggage and got in voled with a man briefly at that time. My H was DEVASTATED> I broke it off after only a month and he died of an overdose the next day., Very hard. I have to say the anger is gone for My H. now. I have had a real hard time trusting, but its coming back because of his actions. He lets me know what he's doing-we spend almost all our free time togehter. We talk now-we had almost stopped talking because it always led to a fight. I got mad at him one time because I asked if he ever thought about her and he said sometimes. I never let him finish what he was going to say I just blew up and was so hurt. In C. we finished the conversation. He said he felt bad about hurting her since she was there for him, but he felt worse about hurting me. The C. said that he would have to work through those fellings and he said he has no desire to be with her or the crazy life of all her kids. What he had with her is what he wanted with me he said. Anyway, we are togehter. I am on medical leave from work. I suffered major panic/anxiety attackes all through the searation and even when he came home. I think it was the lack of trust plus his leaving me trigged such abondonement issues for me. My Mother died when I was 3, my stepmother was verbally and physically abusive, my Fathere was an alcoholic and I was sexually molested by my older step brother.I am taking this time off to work on me and get it all out-all the pain tht is inside me-dealing with the Little Rachael is hard. My H is supportive of me doing this. He knows we will hav a better realtionship if I work on me. He continues to assure me there is no contact with the OW, but I don't ask much anymore. We are working in therapy on affirmations towards each other, and on communication. We have the most wonderful therapist! My feelings are he is out of MLC. ALL the ways he treated me when he was in the A and while we were separated are gone. He is back and tells me he loves me and we are getting along better now than we ever have. I still get fearful that she may contact him and have to fight back the demons of doubt and not trusting him. I have asked God if he is not truthful in any way for it to be made known to me. The tensness is gone from when he first came home and we did not know how it would be. He has always been a very sexual man and he had a little difficulty in that area, but not much, and it is gone now. He said he was feeling he had to perform and that he was afraid he would let me down. I told him I had no expectations and that he could inititate when and if he felt like it. It took the pressure off and now he wants me to initiate as well as himself. One bad thing in all this is he started smoking before he came home and has not quit. Everyone has told me to just let it go-he'll quit when he's ready. So, that's pretty much my story although if you read my thread you'll see how I go through periods of severe mistrust. Its not because of anything he's doing -its the betrayal of the affair and my own insecurities coming up over and over. They are getting better finally. I am learning what to say to myself when it happens. OR I can call him and just ask him and he reassures me. DO you think he's over the MLC? What are your thoughts on our situation-Lily told me along time ago to hook up with you-that we had alot in common. Please let me know what you think-thank-you and I'm so glad things are so positive for you!! Rachael M.
I am not too sure what the struggle is here or where anyone person is in life's struggle but I wanted to finally find a group of people who are seeking strength and peace like me.
I am 30 years old and my husband is 36. We have been together for about 16 years and married for five. We have two kids and our marriage is on the brink of divorce. I love my husband very much and I know that he loves me to, its just that there have been so much wear and tear and lost of trust, respect and commitment. I know I am still committed to making things work and I think that he is to but there's alot of frustration in the relationship. I am away in Canada trying to make a better life for us and he is back in the caribbean struggling with the bad economy, bad finances and sniffing young girls. He doesn't have me at the moment and I really don't trust him because of past experience. He now has the kids and is doing a wonderful job, but we have both had it. We cannot make things work in a long distance relationship, but there are so many issues to deal with before we could be in the same place. I do not want to go back to the caribbean without a job and I do not want him to come up to Canada without working. We need to get our financial situation under control but in the meantime the frustration keeps building up. I am faithful and want my family back together again but my husband has really had it and I am not sure what he wants. He is saying that he loves me and want to work things out but I don't trust him. Help me deal with the trust issues, please give me some advice on whether or not my marriage could be saved after you've lost love and trust, the most important ingredients in a relationship.
This BB is an excellent place for you to glean marriage saving advice. I think all of us that come here do so because we feel safe expressing our fears and reassured by the thought- filled advice proffered by those who "wear the same shoes".
I encourage you to post your story over on the Newcomers forum. There are veteran DB who come back to help newbies; one or more of them will see your unique thread title and help you along.
Michele's books are valuable tools. People will tell you upfront NOT to share these resources w your H. Use them as your strategy books.
Also, please check out the following web site. I am not a computer oriented person but I know you can reach it by typing into your search the following phrase
Marriagebuilders.com
That site is filled w info.
To begin. You extend the olive branch of friendship to your H.
You change your mindset. A mantra I have is "I'd rather be happy (married) than right (and divorced).
Keep your children safe from emotional harm. We were blindsided by our bomb and disclosed way to much to our children. Our C said that it is ok to tell your kids that you are having problems but do not disclose any details. To do so is a form of emotional rape.
It takes time to turn it around.
Why do you insist on having a job in the Carib?
My H never left our home during his full-blown MLC. I did months of solo db before seeing him slowing start turning his atitude around toward joining me in rebuilding our R. I have read other posts in which people write about how difficult it is to db when separated.
Two people who have threads on this Piecing Forum are in Canada.
Post to ANS and to TREESA---they are two of the people who gently led me to stability as I began to understand THE PROCESS.
Thanks alot Lily for the responce. How do I get to ANS and TERESA. Do you have their e-mail addresses or where do I post to reach them. Right now I am trying to get the family together and then decide whether things have a chance. My husband is not too enthusiastic about coming out of his comfort zone. He has always been that way about venturing out but I am also worried that he might be involved with someone and does not want to break that tie. If he heard me he would say that I am paranoid and wrong and I may be but I really don't trust anything he says because he has lied so many times and I have been hurt too many times by him. But ultimately, we need to be in the same place. Thanks for the support.
However, I'd urge you to take Lily's advice and start your own thread in the Newcomers forum. I can see that you're posting snippets of your story on a few threads, and if you pull it all together in one place, people will be able to follow you better.
Tree and I are both from the Ottawa area. We're trying to get together next week, along with Stephanep - probably downtown. If you want some up close DB coaching, I'm sure they won't mind if you join us.
In the mean time, don’t worry if your husband is a little too comfortable with the status quo. It happens to all of us. You just have to concentrate on yourself. Break the paranoia. Lily’s great at figuring out ways to change your mind. Listen closely to what she has to say.
If you want to exchange email addresses, give me a post on my thread, and we’ll arrange it.
Hang in there YV. It ain’t easy at first, but you’ll get stronger and stronger. And most importantly, you will get your husband back.
Andy-It gave me goosebumps when you said you WILL get your H back. Now there is a PMA if ever I saw one. Why do you think we tell all these people to talk to YOU!!! You da man-Rachael M.
Remember that Forgiveness and Acceptance are very important in MLC. Acceptance of what your husband is, Forgiveness for what he has done, and although the damage at times will seem unforgiveable, you can do it.
He appears to have exited the tunnel, and has gone through OW withdrawal, which was normal, because he HAD to have time to get her out of his head and heart, and since the affair was 2 1/2 years long, it was taking him awhile, which was why he thought of her sometimes; Rachel that WILL pass, and she is not worth even YOUR thoughts.
You know what need she was meeting, which was Admiration/Appreciation, so MEET that need and keep meeting it.
Be patient with your husband, he still has a way to go, and he must face his issues before he can come out. Be there for him and LISTEN to him, validating his feelings, because right or wrong these ARE his feelings, and he has a right to them, just as YOU have a right to yours.
In the meantime, you know to take your focus off him and keep it on you, working on yourself to improve the areas of your life that need improving.
This is a time of growth for both of you.
The type of love that should come about this second time around should be more of a lasting love, but it takes more work to get there.
If you are both willing to work at it, and be friends in a way you never were before, it will last this second time around, and a new marriage will come out of the ashes of the old one.
Love is actually a choice, not necessarily a feeling. You CHOOSE to love, it doesn't just happen. You must draw boundaries you never had before and decide what you will and won't accept. Still, you must accept your husband AS HE IS, NOT what you would want him to be.
You are giving him a second chance, learning that what happened in your marriage before just won't do anymore.
You will see changes in him as time goes on, and they should continue to be GOOD changes, as he will come to realize what he nearly lost, and appreciate you that much more.
In essence BOTH of you will grow up and be what God has meant for you to be.
Pray for yourself AND your husband, asking the Lord to work within both of you, changing the two so you can truly become ONE flesh. The Lord will grant what you ask, but you MUST ask.
There may still be times in this that he will withdraw from you, and you will be confused, but be patient, understanding and caring, because the emotional pain is deep for him.
Rachel, remember one other thing: He is with YOU, not OW, and the tables could have so easily gone the other way, and he still loves you or he wouldn't be there with you. Admire him for his bravery to come back and work on the marriage; because he COULD have run hard the other way, and you would have possibly lost him forever, as it is harder to stay and work it out than it is to start over.
"The man who chooses his path LIVES his path." That is so very true when it comes to MLC, the emotional damage is extensive, and while the marriage will bear scars, the willingness your husband is showing to stay and work it out, will strengthen it in the end. And the man that finishes MLC has truly LEARNED to love for the first time in his life.
My husband is showing signs more and more of being more peaceful within himself, and while he's not "out" yet, I know he will be out soon.
I think the signs of peace are the ones to look for as he begins to make his way out of Acceptance and back into "real life" where he will then have the necessary tools he needs to finish living out his life. Until he learns to forgive himself, it will still be hard for both of you. He knows what he has done and what he must do, but guilt is eating him alive, and he must work through that, and you will be called upon to be patient and understanding of him.
Reaching the end of this will be up to your husband--he can make this longer or he can make this shorter, but the answers still come from within himself-I believe he will get there, in time.
Wow. I just got a call from hubby telling me he made an appt. with a C !!!! It's not until 9/27, but they all seem to be booked up. He does have a couple C's who are going to call him back if something is available sooner than that. He told me he WANTS to get started sooner than that. Thank you, God.
I've just returned from a marathon conversation with my mom. She is devastated, but she is there for me. She wants a one on one with my H. Boy, I don't know about that. She can be a mean old bird. I asked her to try and think of him as being sick and to try to muster up some compassion for him. She said she just wants to hear what he has to say and let him know how this has affected them (my mom and step-dad). Yikes!!
My mind is total mush. I need food and rest. I need to find my PMA.
quote:I've just returned from a marathon conversation with my mom. She is devastated, but she is there for me. She wants a one on one with my H. Boy, I don't know about that. She can be a mean old bird. I asked her to try and think of him as being sick and to try to muster up some compassion for him. She said she just wants to hear what he has to say and let him know how this has affected them (my mom and step-dad). Yikes!!
Don't let it happen, Matilda. The problem is between YOU and YOUR HUSBAND, and needs to stay that way.
Any kind of "talk" from the extended family can do more harm than good, and he doesn't need that kind of pressure-it could cause him to backslide and/or run away totally.
I would NOT allow his family, nor my family to talk to my husband at all, because I was warned the same way I'm warning you.
So, although it caused hard feelings, I told both families to back away and leave us alone, we would work this out on our own. And, for a time, I went DARK on both sides; not initiating contact; instead, concentrating my energies on our marriage.
When he is totally out of MLC, he may want to talk about it with his family or yours-but that time can come later, not now, and that would be HIS decision, not yours.
You want him to stay, not run, so this thing can be worked out, and the less interference, the better.
Matilda...So very happy to hear that you H has taken that step toward getting the help he needs!! I know that his getting an appointment with a C made you feel happy and relieved!! As for the one-on-one with you H and your mom...not too sure your H needs that right now! Maybe you should see how he feels about it. He already has enough guilt going on I'm not sure he needs to hear your mom tell him how he has effected everyone else. But that decision I think should be his.
You have come such a long way and things are really turning around in your R. I am so very very happy for you!! I know there is still a long way to go and a lot of work to be done. Just take it one day at a time and remember that everyone here is with you all the way!! You are in my prayers every night! PAT
