getting back together

[RandyH]

I have been posting over in the affair section and I hope that I am getting to a point that my XW and I start dateing again.She is up and down so much it makes it tough.We spend quite a bit of time together going shopping and taking the kids out to eat but so far she says she isn't ready for real date.
I don't bring up OR or A and just try to be pleasent,I really do love her and I have tried to give her space.My real question is should I not ever ask her out and wait and let her ask me?When we go shopping or to eat she has always asked me to go.We have been D since nov 01 and were seperated a year before that.There will be alot of things changing in a few months like she will have to start paying me rent.I think she still talks to the OM some but she gets very angry whenever he is around.He doesn't live in the same town anymore and that helps.Do I just keep waiting?We have gotton along alot better since the D that we did for the year before.

[testa]

Hi RandyH,
Hey man, I'm in the very same boat. My W and I have been divorced for 1 year. We never really should have done it because we do still love and care for each other. It seems that the more I seem distant (and it is very hard) to her the more she comes to me. She has been through two relationships since our divorce, this is something she had to do, a process as I'm told. Well, I think she is finding out the grass is not greener and how much we do mean to each other. Anyway, keep the distant and "no drama" and "np pressure". Show unconditional love which means show support and respect no matter what she does and how hard it is for you. I had to endure short ski trips etc. and it was hard. But the more I focused on getting my life together the more she noticed. I don't call or initiate anything and funny enough is she had intitated everything. Get this, she left for a business trip on Tuesday and she dropped our dog off (which she hasnt all year and has just started again) and we talked about a possible re-union. I love you's were exchanged and some real trust and respect. Randy, if you two have love then let that love pull you back together. My friend told me, what broke you apart will bring you back together...I know, what? It means, the infidelity that caused a lack of trust (lack of trust) broke you apart, then building the trust again will bring you together. Unconditional love and no pressure...Let go with love...I would recommend a book by Dr Masa Goetz called, "Getting back together". It's about successful reunions where love was the underlying factor. Some couples re-married, some seperated for 4 years some for 2 years and had other relations, but they all came back because the love was always there and after time apart they experienced growth and trust again to have a better marriage. DO NOT get back together too soon, you must change distructive behavours and work on you.......Good luck and I will check back...

[smileysmile]

Very encouraging posts Randy and Testa. I have been separated 13 months and the reason was 'cos of me. Late into the S my W drew closer to OM (work colleague). I could never blame her for that. We could be divorced by April but since DBing (January) and learning more about Gods wisdom I have changed for the better and W has noticed this She always said in the months during 2001 I haven't changed. Gawd did I have to bite my tongue. So now I apply strict DB rules. No bringing up "US" or "OM" and no pressure. We have "moved on". Well W has I have let her go 'cos I love her BUT she was here at my (was both) house Thursday and this was the second time I have saw her since 25th December. I am being her friend and it gives me encouragement when I read your posts that you were separated that amount of time and then D'd.

Love is a very strong emotion and I met my W when she was 16, I was 22. That is a long history that we shared. You can't take that away. I wish I discovered DB early last year.
W is also coming to 2 Brian Wilson concerts in June and we could be D'd by then. But all this time I have to change me even more. Also what is OM going to think about me having all this contact?
I seem to have a problem though working out my W's confusion. I have posted in 'Hopefulness'. If W has moved on then how come she openingly cries in front of me saying she can't stop thinking about me, also when questioned by OM whilst they were sitting together to what she was thinking about, he said you are thinking about Scott aren't you? Well maybe I should just not look into it that much.
Scott

[ March 03, 2002, 12:14 PM: Message edited by: smileysmile ]

[RandyH]

Thanks guys for the response.Yes it is hard because we live in a very small town and see each other everyday,in fact I have known her since she was born.Friday she came to my house and I cooked her supper,she even slipped once and called me hon.But it turned out great and I ate at her house sunday night.It's kind of strange she can invite me over to eat but then when I get ready to leave she won't hardly say good bye.We have been D since Nov. 01 and most of her stuff is still in my house.Her place is real small but most of the time during a D they find someplace to put it.She knows I love her but I try not to tell her very often.She did tell me a while back that she was just sitting back watching.I think by her mood she may still talk to OM but I don't think anything is going on and I haven't said anything.I am hopeing she will start dateing soon.

[RandyH]

Hey guys guess who called and invited me to lunch today?Everything was great we laughed and joked around,so many great days and so many lonely nights.Hopefully that will change for all of us.

[RandyH]

I don't know whats going on she decided she wasn't ready to go out this weekend .She will go to eat as long as the kids are there but she won't go on a date.i don't know what my next move should be.I guess I will just keep doing what we are doing and see what happens.Has anyone else had the WAS act like this.

[RandyH]

Well it seems that the aliens are back,I'm going through a cold shoulder spell.She says she isn't ready to go out yet and doesn't know what she wants.Even though we are D she still hasn't seperated from me.Sometimes I wonder if she will ever turn loose of her feelings for the XOM or least I think X.I think they still talk some but I think he is done.I just don't know if I should back way off or what.I hate the fact that she gets to play by her rules.Any advice?

[Sheri]

Hi Randy,

My situation seems a little like yours. XH had a EA in 1998, lasted thru 1999 or 2000. D in Sept of 2001. Calls me everyday to say hi. He has been on a few dates but can't seem to get past caring about me. He says there is so much history between us, he can't seem to let go. (11 yrs together). Calls me hon every time he hangs up the phone. Feels he has made a mistake with D'ng me. A lot of words but NO action. We share joint custody with our 3 yr old D. I see him at least twice a week and every other weekend. He gives me hugs and last night he kissed me on the cheek. I NEVER initiate anything; no phone calls, no OR talk. He told me he will never remarry; he has a hard time with committment. Some days he is very caring other days he gives me excuses why he didn't call sooner or why he can't talk long on the phone. There are days I think wow, maybe there is a chance for reconciliation but then usually a few days later he is off in his self absorbed world.

I have no advice for you. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone and buckle up tight - the ride isn't over!

[RandyH]

Thanks for the reply.I think at times that we are close to really start working on R and then her head starts spinning around again.We spent 10 hours together the other day taking the kids to a movie and shopping and eating out.I try to just be friendly and work on friendship but then the next day she is a total bi#@@ towards me and it's all I can do to walk away.We are D but all her stuff is still at my house and several other weird things are going on.How do I treat her?

[RandyH]

Why is it so hard to figure out what they want?I don't understand her at all.Like I said before our D is final and has been for 6 months but her stuff is still at my house and she stopped her lawyer from taking the money out of my retirement.We see each other almost every day and most of the time she is nice enough.I ask her out every 3 weeks or so and so far she hasn't gone out on a date.She has invited me to go shopping and to eat with her and the D's and we will spend 8 or 10 hours together and it is great.The OM is out of the picture but lives 2 houses down from mine.I think she is still trying to get over him and I am trying to give her time.I wish she would go to C and to a different Dr. she is the nicest 1 week a month and usually grouchy the other 3 weeks,just my luck I get one that is backwards.I am still trying to be her friend and don't bring up sex or try to crowd her space.I wish I could look down the road and see what is going on in 6 months.I am to the point that if I met someone that I was really attracted to I would probaly go out.I just will not use a woman to see if it will make her jealous.I also told her a couple of months ago that if she started dateing I would consider that the end and that I should show her the same.It is just weird that she would do some of the things she has done and not be planning on coming back.Oh and she starts paying me rent next month.I told her she was welcomr to come back anytime she wanted to work on us.She even said right before we walked into court that this doesn't mean that we won't ever be together again.????