If you could, could you check out my thread on the MLC site? My H has been nicer in the last few days. I just wonder if he is coming out of the tunnel or he is working with a plan.
Hi JeanS, We have 2 children. H called everyday and came over whenever he wanted for the 3 years. Initially it was just to talk to the children. I found DBing at the very beginning, It was actually the first book I read. I bought others to read about depression, MLC and foster children. I always came back to Micheles book. Alot of times when he called I wasnt available, went for a walk, did all the 180s it certainly wasnt easy. I made the home a happy place to be. I backslided a few times but brushed myself off and started again. I am still DBing, I really wish the game would be over, unfortunately with this person it isnt going to happen. I get more now then I ever did. I am still working on a few things. Telling H what I need to stay in this relationship and so far he has been able to fill the shoes. I have become very strong with DBing and know what I want. I wish you the best, it is a hard long road. But I feel it is the only way to go. Loretta
Hi JeanS, We have 2 children. H called everyday and came over whenever he wanted for the 3 years. Initially it was just to talk to the children. I found DBing at the very beginning, It was actually the first book I read. I bought others to read about depression, MLC and foster children. I always came back to Micheles book. Alot of times when he called I wasnt available, went for a walk, did all the 180s it certainly wasnt easy. I made the home a happy place to be. I backslided a few times but brushed myself off and started again. I am still DBing, I really wish the game would be over, unfortunately with this person it isnt going to happen. I get more now then I ever did. I am still working on a few things. Telling H what I need to stay in this relationship and so far he has been able to fill the shoes. I have become very strong with DBing and know what I want. I wish you the best, it is a hard long road. But I feel it is the only way to go. Loretta
Rapunzel, I read your thread, cant get a clear picture on what is happening. It does look like you are doing some great DBing and you did give me some great advice when I was weakening. I will keep reading to see how things are going. Glad to help anytime. My Dbing took place with H out of the house. Our situation may be different. Hopefully the results will be the same. Thanks again, Loretta
Hi Loretta, your story is inspirational. Sorry the OW has been causing your all grief. I could not find your orginal story but gather that you and your H were separated 3 years? You mentioned that you are still DBing, and perhaps that should be a way of life for every married couple. I'm sure there will come a time when all this levels out somehow...your H will need to work hard on the marriage equally if not moreso. Thanks for popping in on my post. I wish you the best. -Win
Hi Win, Thanks for dropping by I feel very good about the whole situation. I am so glad I found Michele Weiner-Davis. She is an amazing lady who came to all these conclusions. I live them breath them and I am never going back.
Last night H was over extending himself with helping friends, gapping on the phone, totally invoved in everyone elses life but his own.
I noticed the steering on the car was a little off so I mentioned it to him. He went out checked the car and found the one back tire almost flat and the other needing air. He came in a was angry what have you done to the tires they are flat and bald. I said I didnt do anything I just drive the car.
I was just furious and I could have taken a strip off of him yelling getting no where like I always did. I didnt argue could tell he was in a bad mood. I told myself he has given and given to everyone else and now he has nothing to give the children and me but his miserable self. Everyone else had the nice guy.
Before I would have taken it personal. Now I set boundries. I told him calmly in the morning that I had those feelings of being treated less then everyone else. I dont like when I feel that way and I am not going to let him upset me. I need to be treated nicely and if he wanted to get angry with anyone it better not be me. The tires are 3 years old how long do you expect them to last.
He went out and checked the tires came in and said I could take his suburban to work and he would take care of the tires. He came to my work to switch vehicles. I left him a nice not in the truck thanking him for taking care of my tires. Drew a big heart with our initials in it with and arrow. Wrote Love Loretta. Would you like to go to the movies tonight? When he was in my office I locked the door and got him to sit down in my chair and I proceeded to.... He got all shy but I know he is still thinking about it. I have become the other woman. I am not prepared to give up this position. Thanks for listening, Loretta
Hi Loretta (aka OW!). Maybe that is what wives need to be time to time. Keeps the marriage spicey! Has your H commented on how you've changed - as far as responding to his negative behavior in an effective manner? And has HE made manyenough changes himself? I think it is wise how you made him court you for a year before allowing him back home. If my H ever decides he made a mistake and wants back a marriage with me, I hope I'd be strong enough to make him earn his way back home. I think I would.
There is no OW that I know of. My H has said he has become "spiritual" and "connected" to certain people (men and women I don't know) but nothing physical has transpired. In a way, if there was an OW then I might understand the lure but he wants out of marriage because "our dynamic doesn't work" (per him). There's always hope but at this point, I'm less concerned with him wanting me. I'm more concerned about my wanting him. What blows my mind is if I ever get involved in an R again (with him or another) how much security can one feel, after going through what we have. How comfortable were you, after that year you and your H dated, when your H finally came back home.
Win, You are never going to be 100% sure. But are you even if your H is at home. Anything can happen at any time. I rented the movie Dinner with Friends a little boring but it kind of gives the message about working on things to make it work. Keeping it fun and alive. I have done things now that I wouldnt ever imagine I would do. It is fun being the OW. H is on his way home right now I am writing to you all fixed up with a glass of wine and I cant wait to see him. He has called me 3 time today was curious to know why I went to work early and why I came home late tonight. I really was working but he had his doubts. He is selling that house he bought when he left us and I really dont care about that place. I did ask him if he was ok about it because he did buy it to get out of his depression and we did have one fun night there. He only likes to have sex in the morning so I know he will be snoring logs not long after he is home. It is like they come home from there MLC and because they are exhausted and home the W will let them lie on the couch like they did before. Not in this house he has to take me out every week and I know have a vase that is constantly filled with flowers.(Thats a long story the flowers It might be earlier on this post. Check it out for future.) Keep in touch, Loretta
Wow!! you are such an inspiration!! I have been lurking on thr newcomer's forum since just after the bomb on March 12 & dbing since March 15th. Short story - H in EA with OW @ work, he traveled almost none stop for thr past 2 years, confessed to 2 ONS,addmitted to sexual addiction problems and lack of knowing how to be intimate although he wants to be, said he wanted D ASAP (still loved me but not in love deal). No kids/ married almost 7 years/H 32.
I started DBing my BUTT off and it started working with my 180 but then he got scared that it wasn't real because OW was whispering it in his ear at work. H left for business trip last Thursday still asking me to get his bill together & such so he could move out when he got back.
Monday he called me Crying & said he was so confused. OW was pushing him to "choose" while I was acting "as if" & going on with my life. I let him talk & listened to him more than I think I ever had. I felt so sorry for his pain & know that I hadn't help with my resentment over the years (I knew about ONS but he always lied about them and other things too so I withdrew)
He asked if I could take friday off to spend some time with him & we could talk. I told him Tuesday that I would do that. He was very happy. Tuesday night he called me and in the middle of the conversation said "ILY". I alsmost cried - haven't heard it since bomb dropped. I stayed strong. He said that He was falling in love with me - again but it was so much more intense than when we first were dating. But he said he was still scared that it wasn't real. He said he didn't want to move out and wanted to stay married.
I was so happy but also concerned about OW at work. I asked him if he thought that would be a problem and he said that he was begining to see who she really was and he did not like it - what he had liked was the attention.
He calls me just to say he is thinking about me & can't stop. It feels so good but I am still apprehensive that come monday when he is back to work with her she will try to "sway him". He has been trying since the first of the year to get a new job but no one is really hiring in his field so unless we go down to 1 income he will either be ther with OW or he will be on the road - neither of which I feel will help our relationship get stronger.
Should I push the OW issue or just be happy with what I see improving & take it one day at a time? I have found from reading your thread & some of the others that my H is a very big "affirmation" person as well. I never realized how much a simple "Thank you" meant to him until I started really appreciating what he was doing good instead of bad.
I think the Divorce is busted but now comes the patience & persistence time. I cannot afford to backslide with a 21 year old OW possibly waiting in the wings for me to fail. SHE WILL NOT GET MY H!!!!
any advice would be greaat Loretta - and others. It is so cool to feel the "tingle" again when I talk to him!!!!
![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif){kind=icon}
-Win![[Big Grin]](images/icons/grin.gif){kind=icon}