Please help...need MLC advice

[tpaschal]

Hello, all. I have been lurking and reading for about 1 year now. I posted very early on about my situation, but have lurked since this summer. I have seen MANY posters on this board whose stories seem very similar to mine.

In a nutshell:
Me:39
Him:40
Married:18 years
Together: 21 (except that he moved out a year ago this coming weekend)
D:13
S:9
D:5

I thought we were happily married. EVERYONE thought we were happily married.

In retrospect, I think there were a lot of signs of impending MLC that I did not notice. Or maybe it was the actual beginning of MLC? From what I've read here from Rollercoasterrider and other posters, I guess that the IDLYA bomb is already pretty far into the process?

In the fall of 2006 I noticed that he seemed to be easily irritated and picked fights with me. I put it down to stress at work, because there were some changes going on in his office that he was not happy about. (He is a physician.) In early December of 2006 I could tell he was depressed. I didn't know what was wrong, but he stopped eating, had trouble sleeping, and seemed very detached. But life went on as normal---all of us spending time together as a family, with his parents, doing normal things with the kids, even going out just the two of us on normal date nights and out with friends, etc.

Around his birthday in the middle of Dec. he started reading the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. He discussed it with me some, and even suggested that I read it, but I didn't see it as a cry for help to keep him from having an affair. I realize now that's what it was. When he talked to me about it he said that he felt like something was missing from his life, and from his relationship with our son (who has the same birthday as his father and had just turned 8) and that he needed some adventure and excitement in his life. He asked about friends of ours who were in the midst of a divorce due to the husband's MLC/affair. He said he could see why some men turned to having an affair, why they got emotionally involved with another woman. I asked why he was mentioning this, and was he having those feelings? Was he getting emotionally connected to someone else? He denied it, said he was just feeling like life was passing him by and needed something more. He even talked to me about having another baby. (He'd actually been wanting a 4th child for some time, but after I had a miscarriage in Sept. 2004 I felt like that wasn't in the plans anymore, for a lot of reasons.) I explained again why I didn't feel prepared for a 4th child, and told him I was trying to understand what he needed, but I was confused.

Our 17th anniversary was also in Dec. of 2006, but he had made plans to go to a buddy's house to play poker instead of going out with me. I was very hurt, as this was completely unlike him. On the afternoon of our anniversary (3 days before Christmas), he dropped the "IDLYA and I'm thinking of leaving" bomb. I immediately asked if there was another woman, and he denied it. Said he had been unhappy for a long time and had fallen out of love with me. I was shocked. Kick in the stomach. We were college sweethearts, neither of us had ever "been" with anyone else, and as far as I knew we had an extremely happy and loving marriage.

Of course, there was another woman. I had always had his email and other passwords, and was suspicious enough to go search in his email for the first time in our 20 year relationship. Sure enough, found emails between him and a 21 year old file clerk/receptionist/college dropout in his office. Yuck. They do tend to "affair down," don't they? WAY down.

After I confronted him with what I knew, the typical MLC alien behavior started. Affair went from EA to PA. Threw it in my face. Started ranting and raving, getting drunk and throwing things, punching holes in the wall, telling our children very nastily that he was leaving because, "I just don't love mommy anymore." Even told the 12 year old that I wasn't a giving person and didn't know how to share, and that's what had killed his love for me. Even had his bimbo come and meet him at an out of town sporting event that he had taken the 12 year old to. 12 year old walked in on them together in the hotel room (she was supposed to be in a friend's room) and my daughter got hysterical. His explanation was that they "weren't doing anything---just talking" and that she came to say goodbye to him because she was leaving town on a church mission trip for 3 weeks. Ha! What a good Christian girl!

He neded up moving out in February of 2007, she got her hooks further and further into him, and he filed for divorce on April 30. But he did not serve me with the papers. I only knew about it because I had consulted with an attorney and he called to check the county clerk's office (it's a matter of public record.)

The bimbo moved in with him in the middle of May, and he served me in the middle of June.

Got to go get my kids to school. Will continue later. I really do have some questions and advice, but since I'd never posted my whole story before thought I needed to give some background info.
He ended up moving out in February of 2007, and she moved in with him in May.

[tpaschal]

Oops...that last paragraph should have said I have some questions and NEED advice. ;-)

[bombardier50]

Tpaschal,
So what are you doing as far as DBing? You've said you've lurked here for a year...just wondering if you've tried anything, spoken to a DB coach, etc?

What are you doing to hold yourself together?

Bomb

[tpaschal]

To continue....He has continued with the alien behavior for a whole year now. Gets mad at something, rants and raves, quits seeing the kids for weeks at a time, says he'll never speak to me again except through the lawyers, then gets over it and starts coming around again, comes over to see the kids and hangs out and plays video games with them, takes out the garbage, etc.

I have been DB'ing but also have had many backslides. I'm so used to sharing EVERYTHING with him that sometimes I can't help telling him how I feel and what I think about what he's doing. Stupid of me, I know. But we were FRIENDS as well as lovers and partners, and I miss that. Even though it's been a year I still love him and MISS him. Well, I miss the him that I knew for the first 20 years of our lives together. I don't know this new person.

I am coping with depression, but sometimes not well. I had been a stay-at-home-mom for 14 years (typical story---I worked and helped put him through medical school, then when he started working I had a baby and started staying home) and he has been paying enough that I have not yet had to go to work. He has started in on that, though. "Why isn't the house on the market yet? Why haven't you gotten a job?" I guess I feel like he is the one who wants the divorce, not me, so why should I do all the work for it and make it easy for him?

He is still completely involved with the OW. I know, though, from different sources, (including his cell phone text messages that I look at when he leaves it laying around!) that they fight, that he lies to her, and that she has him on a leash. She has his email and myspace passwords, and she texts him CONSTANTLY, even when she knows he is spending time with his kids.

But according to him, he is oh-so-happy, is moving on with his life, and she will be a part of it. I've brought up concerns I have about her, especially if she's going to be around my kids, but he doesn't want to hear anything negative in connection with her, especially since I can't tell him who I'm hearing it from. (It would definitely jeapordize this person's job.) He tells me I am just a liar.

Okay, have to take oldest to school now. Will finish and finally get to my questions when I get back!

[bombardier50]

Tpschal,

I am coping with depression, but sometimes not well.

Are you on any meds?

I guess I feel like he is the one who wants the divorce, not me, so why should I do all the work for it and make it easy for him?

Absolutely. I wouldn't lift a finger.

I know, though, from different sources, (including his cell phone text messages that I look at when he leaves it laying around!) that they fight...

Why are you snooping? Quit. Right now. It will only cause you pain. And if you get caught, or confront him over anything you find, you will only make things worse...much worse. Rise above. There are much better ways you could be spending your time.

But according to him, he is oh-so-happy, is moving on with his life, and she will be a part of it.

Baloney. Smile and tell him you're glad he's happy. But he's not. She's just a pacifier.

...but he doesn't want to hear anything negative in connection with her...

Do not say anything negative, ever, about the OW. If you attack the OW, he will attack you. And it will only make you the common enemy and give them something to unite against. Stay the h*ll out of that.

Bomb

[tpaschal]

I know it doesn't do any good to talk about her, I know that she is an emotionally damaged person herself (her own father walked out on her family when she was 11, her last relationship was an abusive one, and she has done some extremely damaging things to my children, even though she has never spent time with them).

But how do I ignore all of these things when I know my husband is going to start bringing her around my kids? She is living with him full time. It's basically like he's married again. He hardly EVER takes the kids on his weekends, because that means that she has to leave and go stay at her mom's house. And if he does take them, he takes them for one night only, not both nights of the weekend.

I KNOW she does not really want his kids around, but she's playing the part of the good little wifey. She's feeding him crap about me, telling him that I am a bitch (he told me that), that I am just trying to delay the divorce to hold onto him (well, yeah), and telling him that I'm just a bad mom. She actually told someone that if I can't be bothered with the kids, then THEY "will just take custody of the kids." Huh? I know that comment came about because my son wanted to play soccer, his dad signed him up but now wants nothing to do with it, we have two other children, it is physically impossible for me to be in three places at once, but when I ask his father to take him, she talks crap about me because it interfered with her plans for the evening.

Why can't he see that?

I know, I know, I KNOW I have to quit focusing on that, on his relationship with her, but dear Lord, it is hard.

Even though it has been a year since he moved out, he didn't serve me until June and we have not yet made it to court, even for temporary orders. It's been postponed or rescheduled several times due to one lawyer's illness, paperwork not being turned in on time, etc., etc. He had been paying all the bills, but then started cutting back drastically in Sept. or Oct. His parents (who barely speak to him and are outraged at his continued behavior and lack of feeling and responsibility toward his kids) have bought me groceries on several occasions. It's embarrassing. He's a DOCTOR, for heaven's sake! When we went to mediation in Nov. he refused to pay even enough to cover the mortgage and basic bills and kids' activities. That's why it was scheduled for a hearing.

<sigh> We were supposed to go to court yesterday for temporary orders, but it was rescheduled yet again. Then he called me and said he wanted to meet with me. Thought we needed to talk. Sounded normal, even friendly. I asked my in-laws and a friend what they thought, and even called my lawyer. They all said to at least listen to what he had to say.

So, we met. Basically he wants me to settle everything with him instead of going to court. Promising to play nice if I do things his way, but hardball if I insist on going forward with the court case. Told me that no matter which way I take it, he will have his divorce finalized by June and there is nothing I can do about it.

How do I respond to these bullying (although presented in a nice voice, promising that his motive was to save the money for me and the kids instead of wasting it on lawyers) tactics?

What is the DB'ing thing to do? I know he expects me to fight it, so do I give in? Do I give him the divorce he seems to so desperately want right now?

Or do I continue to hold out, hoping that with enough time and prayer, he will change his mind?

I'm also so torn about what to do about getting a job and putting the house on the market. Friends who have gone through recent divorces say not to start working until after a divorce is final, because that could affect my ability to receive spousal support. (Texas is the WORST place to get divorced. The laws all favor the good 'ol boys.) Spousal support here is NOT mandatory, and if it is ordered, it is for a maximum of $2500 a month for a maximum of 3 years. And those are the MAXIMUMS, not the guaranteed amt.

So, what do I do? I'm torn between getting out and working again, doing something that I really used to enjoy (teaching elem. school), and trying to do what's best for my kids---being the really available stay-at-home mom I've always been for them for as long as I possibly can, and not jeapordizing my chance to get spousal support.

I feel so lost and confused.

Any support, advice, kick in the pants, whatever....would be appreciated.

[tpaschal]

Tpschal,

I am coping with depression, but sometimes not well.

Are you on any meds?

I guess I feel like he is the one who wants the divorce, not me, so why should I do all the work for it and make it easy for him?

Absolutely. I wouldn't lift a finger.

I know, though, from different sources, (including his cell phone text messages that I look at when he leaves it laying around!) that they fight...

Why are you snooping? Quit. Right now. It will only cause you pain. And if you get caught, or confront him over anything you find, you will only make things worse...much worse. Rise above. There are much better ways you could be spending your time.

But according to him, he is oh-so-happy, is moving on with his life, and she will be a part of it.

Baloney. Smile and tell him you're glad he's happy. But he's not. She's just a pacifier.

...but he doesn't want to hear anything negative in connection with her...

Do not say anything negative, ever, about the OW. If you attack the OW, he will attack you. And it will only make you the common enemy and give them something to unite against. Stay the h*ll out of that.

Bomb

Not sure if I'm doing the quoting thing right---hope so. First, thanks so much for responding. It's nice to know that someone is listening and cares.

I was on meds for a while but was having some physical side effects (crazy itchy skin rashes), so got off of them. Should probably start on something new, but can't afford to see my psychiatrist right now. H's partner was my GP doctor, and he would be happy to still see me for free (H's two partners are disgusted with his behavior) but it would be incredibly awkward to go into the office right now.

I have not spoken to a DB coach, though I've thought about it several times. I haven't done it mostly because of financial reasons. Since H stopped paying enough to cover the bills, I have to be really careful. We had paid off all our debts before this all started, and we didn't use credit cards. (Did Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace plan.) Now I've had to reactivate an old credit card that was in my name just to pay for gas and groceries when the money runs out each month. Can't afford counseling sessions.

I had been seeing a Christian psychiatrist in my area, and after funds got tight he continued to see me for a couple of months for free, but I started to feel bad that I was taking advantage of him. He has a fairly small independent practice, and he needs to make a living, too! I haven't seen him since early November. Had to stop taking the kids to their counselor, too.

H did say yesterday that he realized he had made some mistakes in how he's dealt with the kids (ya think?!) and would be willing to go to counseling with them. I am glad of this, but feel like it is mostly manipulation on his part. Guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, hmm?

You asked how I've been DB'ing. Well, I've read the book DR several times and try to apply the principles and strategies there. I've gone dark when he starts spewing hatred and nastiness, and I've been trying my best to act "As if."

I know he expected me to get nasty and squash him to the ground and rake him over the coals with a nasty divorce when I found out about the affair. In fact, I think he was counting on it. He expected me to file and do the work for him. I think he's been very, very surprised by my calmness (for the most part) and by my calm insistence that I do not want a divorce and believe that God can restore love to a marriage beyond any hope or expectation.

But he's still determined to press forward with a divorce. So now what? It's hard to know what the right path is.

I try to pray, though sometimes I feel "stopped up." I know that's coming from my end, not God's. Maybe it is because I keep going down the "cheeseless tunnels" like snooping or trying to get H to see the error of his ways? I know I'm a bit of a control freak, and even though I keep turning it over to God, I keep trying to take it back from Him, too. Practice makes perfect, eventually, right?

I try to stay involved in my kids' activities and in community programs that I was a part of before, I do go out with friends when H has the kids. But it still hurts so much to see our couple friends and know that even though they love me it is awkward for them to be around me. It hurts a lot on days like today, Valentine's Day, to know that even though I am still his wife, he is spending a special evening with a 21 year old bimbo.

I know the things I NEED to do to GAL, sometimes it is just awfully hard to get up and DO them.

Like I said, kicks-in-the-pants would be appreciated. (Not too harsh, though, as I do still tend to burst into tears at the least provocation!)

[bombardier50]

But how do I ignore all of these things when I know my husband is going to start bringing her around my kids?

You have no control over this. The kids will see her for what she is. Trust me on this. I've been there.

He hardly EVER takes the kids on his weekends, because that means that she has to leave and go stay at her mom's house.

Jeez...that's too bad. I have this sneaking suspicion that this is going to become a BIG problem for him eventually, if it hasn't already.

She's feeding him crap about me, telling him that I am a bitch (he told me that), that I am just trying to delay the divorce to hold onto him (well, yeah), and telling him that I'm just a bad mom.

Let her spew. Don't fight back. I told you earlier that if you attack her, he will attack you. So...how will he react when she attacks you? What is he thinking? Hmmmm...

Why can't he see that?

Because he's blind right now. His emotions have turned his brain into soup.

How do I respond to these bullying tactics?

With grace and dignity. "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I do not want a divorce." You are a good wife and mother. That's why you're fighting for your marriage. You have the strength to rise above.

What is the DB'ing thing to do? I know he expects me to fight it, so do I give in? Do I give him the divorce he seems to so desperately want right now?

No. You are not a doormat. Instead, treat him like your best friend. Respond to his anger, bullying, and maltreatment with consideration and kindness. This will really screw him up. It will defuse his wrath, confuse him, and make him think.

Or do I continue to hold out, hoping that with enough time and prayer, he will change his mind?

That's the big question, isn't it? What do you want?

I'm also so torn about what to do about getting a job and putting the house on the market.

What does your attorney say?

I feel so lost and confused.

((((((((tpaschal))))))))
Keep telling yourself over and over that no matter what happens, you will be OK. Because you will be OK. You are strong, smart, and resourceful, I can tell. Your heart is in the right place.

This pain will not last forever.

Bomb

[bombardier50]

I was on meds for a while but was having some physical side effects.

So try another one. Keep trying until you find one that you can live with. You need all the help you can get right now.

H's partner was my GP doctor, and he would be happy to still see me for free (H's two partners are disgusted with his behavior) but it would be incredibly awkward to go into the office right now.

Why? Awkward for who? Go.

Since H stopped paying enough to cover the bills, I have to be really careful.

What does your attorney say about this? From the sound of it, you have many, many friends and relatives. Now is when you ask them for help. Asking for help is not beneath your dignity. Do it for your kids. Someday, you will be able to return the favor.

Can't afford counseling sessions.

Do you have a church? Can you talk to your pastor?

I've gone dark when he starts spewing hatred and nastiness, and I've been trying my best to act "As if."

Good. Keep it up. Fake it 'til you make it.

I know I'm a bit of a control freak, and even though I keep turning it over to God, I keep trying to take it back from Him, too.

Drop the rope. Let go. Read my signature quote below.

But it still hurts so much to see our couple friends and know that even though they love me it is awkward for them to be around me.

Have they told you it's awkward for them? I doubt it. What's happened is not a reflection on you. He is making an azz of himself. And I'm willing to bet that everyone can see that. You need all your friends right now.

It hurts a lot on days like today, Valentine's Day...

Happy Valentine's Day, tpaschal. Do something loving for yourself today.

Like I said, kicks-in-the-pants would be appreciated.

I'm going to tell you something that a beautiful soul on this board once told me (saffie):

1. You are a good woman.
2. Because you are a good woman, you are fighting for something you believe in...your marriage.
3. Because you are a good woman, if he throws this away, there are plenty of good men out there who will scoop you up.

[mishka422]

I know I'm a bit of a control freak, and even though I keep turning it over to God, I keep trying to take it back from Him, too. Practice makes perfect, eventually, right?

(((tpaschal)))

I feel your pain in this. I haven't been dealing with this as long as you have but I can sympathize with your feelings! I too keep trying to take back what I have prayed so hard to turn over to God. Keep praying, but most of all.......BE STILL. Do not DO anything that you can't take back until you are sure that God has led you in that direction.

Know that even if you have to go through with the D to salvage your family financially that doesn't have to mean the end. D is paper, not emotion. Think of it as only a business transaction (easier said than done) but make sure that H has no doubt that you do not want this and are only agreeing in order to stabalize the life of your children as much as possible in this time of chaos.

Keep posting and venting. It's really good for you and keeps you from internalizing everything and over analyzing.