Mopsey, Each and every time you post, I see you getting stronger and coming to the understanding that your life centers around your children and you and not him and his crisis.
He's going to have ups and downs, which is something you can't control, nor can his therapist. These are the issues that he's got to face, accept and come to the realization that no one, and I do mean, no can fix for him, but himself. As for his job situation, he has to determine which position will make him happy and if he's not happy with one or the other, to find something that will make him happy. He knows that he needs to get a "real" job and he's projecting his thoughts on to you and everyone else. Once again, he's pointing the finger at everyone else and not looking at himself. I thought your comments on this were very good.
You've got a busy few weeks coming up with birthdays. I'm sure you'll have some nice get togethers planned for the kids. Enjoy those special days, take plenty of photos and know that you are a very special lady.
Enjoy the rest of your week.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I do feel stronger....and right now I am so annoyed with H that distance is good. When he left, financially, everything was up to date. After he left....we are behind on everything and I am so tired of it.
H just called about the property taxes. He asked if I had been paying them.I told him I have been paying the school taxes and that was it. Not the county tax. He knew this already. He asked if I got a letter from an attorney and I told him I hadn't. He then said..ok thanks.
I don't understand how these men can walk away and not expect consequences for their actions. I barely have enough money to feed the kids some weeks, I rely too much on my dad for help financially, and this is one bill he is going to have to deal with. He is getting a tax return...he can pay this.
Anyway, sorry to vent but it is so totally out of control. I wish he would realize that the decision he has made has had such a snowball affect on everything. From the kids to the finances to everything. He made this mess.....
Well....I was in a good place with myself and H. I really was plugging along just fine until today.
My ex-stepmother decided she was going to sue us for 8k for part of the business she said that we owed her. This is the business....that killed our R. The financial issues we had from it....well I don't know if we can overcome them to repair our M. H is full of blame and to him it is easier to walk away than it is to fix.
The suit is nonsense, and I didn't realize she was suing H as well. When I got the papers my dad called the L and threatened some actions against his ex-wife....and she was supposed to call off the dogs. Instead, she sends H papers.
I told H that my dad will call the lawyers off him too. His reply was doubt that my father would do anything for him....but I told him I would have my dad call him and tell him what he was doing. He said he wouldn't answer (coward), so I told him I will have my dad leave him a voicemail.
Anyway H called screaming and hollering and spewing about this. I told H that I didn't know anything about him being involved...and he went off.
Started first by saying he was no longer going to pay the mortgage. That he since he wasn't paying the county taxes the bank was going to forclose (not). Said he wanted my dad to list the house and sell it so that we can each take half and move on.
I told him that I would not put my father in the position to sell his granchildren's home that they love. I will not help him sell the house. They have lost everything and I will not take the last stable thing that they have away from them. This is his ship and he is the captain. These are decisions that he made with out regard for how anyone else felt about them. I will not help him...and I told him all of this.
He told me I could get an apartment with the kids. That we can't afford the house. I asked him if he priced apartments in our town...he said I should move to town XYC. It isn't as nice or expensive, but I could use my dad's address to keep the kids in the school where they at.
I asked him how he thought that taking them now from their house and community...and all of the support I have in our town would help. Keeping them in school is great, but the social connection they have keeps them active and busy with friends.
I did say something, perhaps it was bad dbing, but I asked him how he could live his life without his children like he does. How he could not be involved in the day to day with them.
He said he thinks of the kids everyday...and how his son hates him. All I could think of was....and that doesn't wake you up. I guess nothing will. He is a lost cause.
I feel like I am back about 14 months ago. That was probaby the last time H spewed like this at me. He really wants to sell the house and be done with us. He really is never coming back. He said that was not an option.
I guess it is just easier for him to walk than to deal. MOW must be too important to him and he is probably just not pushing the D until he has his own health benefits.
H said that down the road, in 10 years, our children will resent me when they realize it was my fault that they lost the house. I had to laugh to myself. In 10 years, his precious d12, who he flaunts MOW to, will realize her dad is a cheating liar if he is still gone. She will realize how badly he hurt me. Now she has no concept.
Man....this man has no clue. I really feel right now that he could care less about me or the kids....he just only cares about himself and his MOW. I truly don't think he will ever come out of this.
H just called. He spoke to my dad...and he was looking for more info from me. We talked for a few minutes and then he started telling me how I haven't changed. That I am still keeping things from him (he always thought that I was keeping things from the business from him...not).
Anyway, I told him that I did not know that he was getting sued and I apologized for not telling him I was. He said that the copy of his letter was cc with my letter...but I do not have a copy. Of course he thinks I am lying.
He then starts in on how he loves, but not the same way, and if he came home we would live in a dysfunctional family.
I finally said to him, after he brought up s15's not speaking to me and the fact that he would kick his a@@ is the roles were reversed and it was me s15 was not speaking to. I told H that s15 is just like him. He thinks he is right. Noone can tell him otherwise. He made up his mind and noone can change it.
I told H that I let him go.....I am living for me and the kids. I told H that he is free to do whatever. He then says...if you let me go, then sell the house. Not gonna happen. Not doing his dirty work. Sorry.
Am I being ridiculous? Have I blown it by being so blunt with what I told him? I really have had it up to here. I am tired of being blamed for the past. I am tired for him not recognizing changes I have made for me. I am tired of him throwing the "dysfunctional" label at me.....
Mopsey, There comes a time when you have to spell it out in very bold words. He's facing reality and he knows good and well that he's the reason that everything is a mess. This man is having to face the consequences of his actions. However, he doesn't want to admit just yet that because he walked away and has created some bills that need to be paid, he's at fault.
I don't think you are the one that's holding him back on selling the house. He's using you to be the scape goat here and you have every right to tell him that you aren't going to do his dirty work for him. Mopsey, you've been the one attempting to hold the family together and be the strong one, it's now time for buddy boy to step up to the plate and be a man for a change. If he wants the house sold--he needs to do the work.
As for the suit, stop apologizing for it. You didn't know a thing about it, therefore, you couldn't advise him of it. So, let it go.
Mopsey, he's fighting with his inner demons and he doesn't want to face all of the reality that is trying to come forth. Keep your eyes and ears focused on you and your children. You are going to have to be stronger from this day forward. This guy is having some real issues within himself and he's going to be lashing out at you and everything that he thinks is to blame for his unhappiness and screw ups.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
My dad was just here. He told me of his conversation with h today. He asked H if cared that he is missing out on everything with his kids. H said that he is in counseling and that he is on his own track to make himself happy.
H also talked to my dad about s15. My dad told him cut and dry that he walked out and he created the issues with s15. He can not blame me. Everyone has tried to talk to s15, but as my dad told him, s15 is as stubborn as H is and there is no talking to him.
My dad told H that 2 years ago everything financially was ok. He told h that the fact that he isn't making a living is causing this. My dad told my H that he was a bright, good person who can make a decent living and support his family, but H didn't want to hear about it. He does have a second interview for a job but the pay isn't much more than the bartending gig. Self=esteem prevents him from getting a good job...I think.
Anyway, I guess the conversation between these two men was civil. H told my dad to "tell his daughter to sell the house." My dad said nothing is selling and he wouldn't tell me to do that to the kids.
H pretty much told my dad that he wasn't coming back. Not sure if I should believe it but at this point whatever. I am fine no matter what.
I just don't know how to act when I hear from him again. I am certainly angry, but I don't want to be bitter. I am still standing.....for now, but don't know if he will ever return. His words today were powerful...to the contrary.
Thanks Snodderly, I appreciate your help in all of this. I could cry for my kids....there father has made such a mess and they don't deserve this.
Mopsey, My hat is off to your father. Your father will tell him like it is and it sounds like your h was listening but can't accept his actions are the reason for some of this mess. That's okay. He's got plenty to think about.
Mopsey, if he contacts you again, you can be cordial, but keep it somewhat business like. Treat him just as you would when your dentist's receptionist calls to remind you of a dental appointment. He needs to realize that his gravy train may derail sooner than he thinks.
Hang in there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What do you anticipate will happen if he thinks his gravy train may derail? I am curious to know.
Did a lot of thinking last night. I wondered if H will ever face his inner deamons and repair this or does he really consider this M over for good. I asked myself....why does he come to our home, hang out with us, call me all of the time .....and then says we can sell the house, split the money and go our seperate ways.
What does this man want from me? Is he using me to fix things with s15? Using me for my health insurance until he gets a new job? Using me in case things fall through with MOW? I just don't know anymore.
My H made some bold statements of never returning yesterday. Don't know if they were from his anger or his true feelings. He made it clear he was not coming back. Tried bullying me into doing his dirty work with the house and then tells my dad that his C told him he can't have any R right now until he learns to love himself. That he is on a different level from us.
I guess it is time to stop analizing ....and time to take the focus off of him. I pray for a calm weekend. Once again Snodderly, just curious that him losing his gravy train may result in.
Mopsey, Your h is still very much tied to you and your family. It's not about the insurance, meals or just coming there to visit w/the children. He's still emotionally tied to everything and everyone under that one roof. So, I would stop trying to second guess yourself and him as to why he's coming there. As long as he's in crisis, he's going to say he's not coming back. Who knows what the future holds for the both you. I do know this, the more you detach, the more he's going to sense it and attempt to back paddle to have a spot in your life.
As for the gravy train, well, if it stops or wrecks along the way, it just may make him realize what he's about to lose totally. Right now, you've been there, as an extremely patient spouse, an excellent listener and yes, you've been his cheering squad when he's felt insecure and needed someone to bounce things off of. If you cease some of this, he may very well panic and start reaching out to you, just as he has done in the past. Some of them will hit bottom very hard and start moving ahead in the tunnel, others will walk away. I can't tell you what your h may do, but I do suspect, from past practices, he'll attempt to suck you back in to his drama.
Mopsey, time to step back, not one step, but two. It's time to leave him out there to figure things out. The train needs to move on down the tracks to the next station. If he's truly still dependent upon you emotionally, he will make every effort to reel you back in once again. Time to live your life to the fullest and be there for your children completely. It's time to put the analyzing up on the top shelf and say "what will be, will be". Turn it over to the man upstairs, for he's the only one that can determine if and when this is over for your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You were right...he did tried to bait me into a fight. D12 had softball at a local park today instead of indoors at the school. My advice to her was to stay on the bench until the coach came...so she would not get muddy.
She told her dad I said that to tell him not to leave because I didn't want anyone to steal her. He sent me a tm telling me this. I said I told her nothing of the sort. That I would never say that and that I would speak to her and ask her why she told him that.
He tm'd he loves his kids no matter what I think. I totally ignored this. not gonna get sucked in.
He is fighting demons and taking it out on me isn't he.
