I recommended this forum after digging through thousands of posts trying to find other's who could relate to my sitch and the DB folks were kind enough to oblidge. Specifically I wanted a place where former Walk-Away-Spouses who are now the LBS can give and recieve advice from other former WAS's and LBS's. Of course, we can learn from everyone no matter their sitch.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Excellent Idea...Matter of fact...I've tried unsuccessfully to locate books on the topic...I've even discussed it with my counselor and he had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe it's time for me to switch counselors. I commend you for hanging on for 5 months..I'm having a hard enough time dealing with 5 weeks. So..Has it gotten any easier over the months? Does your H seem to come around at all? Do you ever have set backs? Why can't it be easier than all of this?
Me 40, live in WAW H 39 married 9 yrs seperated 18 months, apart 7 months D 4, 16 S 6, 19
It does get easier. When I first started DBing I didn't know how long I could do it. I would get frustrated after a few weeks and backslide. After about two months I was able to start DBing consistently. I just keep reminding myself that he waited 9 months for me and I was once acting much the same. We have been very slowly building our relationship. We are not yet at the point of recommitment but we are good friends and just last weekend he talked about being open to the idea of getting back together sometime in the future, but is not ready for that now. I do have setbacks. My DB coach told me that there will be occasions when things will seem to progress then he will back away to let me know that all is not forgiven and ok, but to not be discouraged by this.
Just tonight I felt confident enough to suggest the intensive with Michelle at first he said no, but did not bring up the reason he did when the Bomb first dropped, because he wants a divorce. Then he said he will think about it. So I do have setbacks but the steps forward are slowly coming to a point that they occur more often than the setbacks. I wish it could be easier. He hasn't filed and is open to getting back together so let's stop playing games and work on our marriage. I am willing to take it as slow as he wants, but it just isn't that easy. I hope that we can all be success stories and we can give hope and support to those in the same sitch.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Just scanned your thread and wanted you to know that I am here for you. I almost walked away, but did not have the finances, so I stayed in the M. It was not my H's fault other than he ignored my emotional needs and other things that I won't get into now b/c it's too long. You can read my thread...or at least the beginning. I had an internet EA and it devasted my H. However, I only saw his ugly side toward me.....I never saw the hurt, etc. He kept that from me and I saw a side of him I never want to see again.
I will tell you like I told some other W's that went back to their H's only to discover he wasn't as receptive as expected by the W. I know from my own experience that I closed my heart to my H for many years and tried to fill my emptiness by involving myself in other things. Did not help my M, in fact, I just put more distance between us.......and he was doing the same thing as far as putting emotional distance between us. Anyway, once that heart has been closed for a long, long time....it seems awfuly hard to open it again. At least, it has for me. I'm not even sure I want to take that chance again. A wall of resentment has encased me for so many years that I am having a hard time tearing that wall down. Anyway, that is about me and not you.
I think I have seen by the many LBS here on the board that have worked on themselves very hard and discovered that they liked themselves better and begin to get attention from the opposite sex b/c of their new and improved looks, etc......well, it effects everything. They have protected themselves by withdrawing & detaching from their S for a long time to the point that they are not so sure they want to take a chance at a MR with them again. I think it goes back to that closed heart.
I know that you are confused by some of the advice you have been given. You need a counselor that is pro-marriage and finding solutions to fixing the MR. Too many secular counselors just start telling people they need to start over and find happiness with somebody else, etc. Finding a Christian Counselor is good. However, unless they are really formally education as a counselor, they don't always give the best advice either, so you have to pray for them and yourself that God will lead them in what to tell you in the sessions. After all, they are only human too.
Men seem to have a problem about going to Counseling or any kind of marriage retreat, etc. They just do not like discussing private matters with "strangers" and airing their dirty laundry. I think it is a "male" thing....lol. Maybe it's their ego or something, I don't know. My H will not even consider going to a C. He won't go to a Pastor or anyone. He is a good Christian and very faithful in the Church work, etc., but he is not going to talk about our private R to anyone else! So, I don't bring it up anymore and I pray and rely on God's influence on my H's heart since he is not going to listen to a C......maybe he will listen to God!
You mentioned your H's reaction to seeing you on the computer. I took it that you meant when you were on the board here. His reaction to your telling him that you were trying to help others....is very typical for a lot of men. I personally think they are thinking in their own mind, "Who are you to give anyone help when we are in need ourselves?" They don't realize what this board is all about, but I woudn't even try to explain it to him. Unless of course, he shows a lot of interest and asks more sincere questions.
I would be very hesitate in trying to get him to read certain books or talk to counselors or go to retreats, etc. unless you feel the timing is right and he is very receptive to the idea. Otherwise, these things are seen as "pressure" to him and his heart will be closed to anything that you are wanting him to "get" by doing all of this. I think in his mind, you believe he needs to be "fixed" to make the M work. It's like the H's is showing by attending any of this, that it's all his fault that there ever was a problem in the MR. So, he finds it easier just to say no to these things.
I think you can be encourging to other newcomers that were WAW's and then decided to return to their H's only to feel like a LBS themselves. We will all help each other......what you say?
The fact you and your H are in the "friendship" stage is very good. It gives you time to show him your improvements and let him see the woman he originally fell in love with. During this stage you are in (friends), you can use opportunities (when the timing is right) to use a little light flirting, etc. Gradually work up to more romance and physical touching. And, I do mean gradually! That requires.....you know before I say it.....patience. And a determination not to give up.
As far as the emails to you from the OW.........I would advise you to never delete anything she sends you. That is your evidence! It is no longer just your word against hers. Now, I don't know how to retrieve something that has be "Permantly" deleted, but I think some computer tech person might be helpful. I have heard that nothing is truly lost from a computer, that you just have to know what to do to find it. I will ask the computer tech guy at work if he can give me simple instructions as what to do to retrieve it. I think the SIL needs to see what the OW said and I think your H should see it also. That is just IMHO, and not everyone will agree with it. That is just part of my "personality" coming out, so take it however you feel about it.
You mentioned his depression. It could be that he knows more about the OW than he is telling you. He could be disappointed in her b/c she did not live up to his "fantasy" about her. Or, he could be trying to make up his mind who he is going to decide to spend his life with or have a R with.........the OW or you. That takes a big toll on a person. I know it did me. Just making the decision to break it off with the OM and to stay with my H........oh, Lordy, that was hard! And, as I told my H (who was disappointed that I was not acting like I wanted to put a 100% into working on our M) just b/c I made the decision to stay with him did not give me any miraculas feelings of desire or any other feelings. Plus I had to go though the grieving process of getting over the OM. Even though I never had a PA, EA's can be very powerful to a woman. The OM is her fantasy! He is in her mind and heart and it is awful hard to wash that away when you aren't having a physical R with your H. When I would go to bed (alone) the OM would be there in my mind and I would began to fantisize about him. So, maybe your H is going through some of the same stuff. However, I had to get my eyes open and so does your H. That is why I suggested that he sees the email from his OW with his own eyes and not just hear it from you. He may be depressed just wondering who to believe.....you or her. I'm sure you did look in your delete folder to see if her email was still there after you hit the deleted button. Unless you permantly deleted it, it should still be there. Print it out or forward to your H. It's your evidence. I would even keep a tape recorder by the phone just to be ready to recored any unwanted phone calles from the OW or the SIL that may call you every name invented. You probably wouldn't want to play it unless your H just would not truly believe they would do such a thing. Then you could show your hard evidence. When he asked why you recorded it, be honest and tell him that you wanted it in case you needed to prove to him how you were being bullied by these women.
Okay, I've talk enough, but I want to be here for you b/c I know you need a friend that understands and I think I do.
Don't give up and be sure to take care of yourself and keep improving yourself. Come here to blow off steam and frustration instead of your H. Let me hear from you.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I just wrote you to check out this forum but I see that you already have. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write to me. I will be back with a more sufficient response, but I just wanted to make sure and thank you for your support.
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
Jack, I think any that walk away or started to walk away would qualify. I think I am very blessed that I have not been in the shoes of both sides where I walked away and then was the LBS too. You are the ones that can really give us advice, I think, since you have experienced both types of pain. So, please feel free to do that.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You said that your husband put emotional distance between the two of you. Are you closer now? My husband and I are friends, but I still feel so much distance between the two of us. I have always been the talker between the two of us so I am used to carrying the conversations, but it is exhausting for even me. It takes some time for him to warm up to me everytime I see him and sometimes it is like pulling teeth trying to get him to engage and joke around. How do I get us closer if he is resistant to it? I am seriously contemplating the intensive with Michelle.
I am shocked how many therapists are not pro-marriage. For a short time I stopped seeing the therapist we saw together, but I was so disappointed by the other therapists I found, including a Christian counselor, that I am back with our original therapists. I think that she is a good individual counselor, but couples is not her strength, she is too passive for it. One Ph.D I saw made a whole session out of trying to convince me that my marriage was over and that I needed to move on. Needless to say that was our last session.
I agree with your assertion of what the LBS is feeling. I think it even applies to me as a WAW. When I walked away there wasn't much he could do immediately to change my mind because I had built up a wall and emotionally distanced myself to protect myself from the hurt and disappointment.
Any thoughts? How are things with you?
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
I was a WAW ... waaaaaaaaay before I found DB. He was abusive, but if I had found DB way ba ck then, I would have healed a lot sooner,changed a lot of my behaviors sooner and made fewer relationship mistakes (I sure hope so, anyway ).
Thanks!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
He was abusive, but if I had found DB way ba ck then, I would have healed a lot sooner,changed a lot of my behaviors sooner and made fewer relationship mistakes
Would you have gone back to your H after your healing? I am curious because I am in a similar situation, only I am the LBS. This is my 2nd M. I am like Jack - a WAS in the 1st M and LBS in the 2nd M. -PH
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