Nicola: I think there are a million listings for salsa fiesta on there. How do I narrow it down?
WCW: thanks for the warning--I've noticed the kerfuffle about that and other stuff. I will try to search by email address. If that doesn't work, I'll figure out a way to tell you where I am.
UPDATE: warning--it's long one.
Well, H came over not long after I posted here last, and we had a lovely time together. Like WCW said, it was pretty cozy here that night, and he seemed to feel comfortable as a result. I told him not to stay away so damned long.
Then I was out on Thursday after work with 2 FFs from work who both know about my situation. FF1 is the one who got married in WI this summer; FF2 is the one I drove with to and from the ariport and who gave the Halloween party. FF1 has a lot of issues in her M that have to do with internet porn--they are seeing a C and it sounds like things are going well there. FF1 also has a good friend that works with H--she is actually on his teaching team. I know that this friend has heard things about H and our M and I've been trying to find a way to talk to FF1 about it because I'm uncomfortable with this person knowing my business when I don't reallly know her. We just haven't seen each other privately to have that convo.
So FF2 asked how things were going with H. I said OK. Then the time seemed good and natural, so I asked FF1 about her friend. She told me that this friend overheard H telling people quite openly and casually that he is dating someone with 2 girls; that he makes breakfast for 3 people,; and that when he was going away on a trip, he was concerned that the girls would be OK. Also, he told this person, "My ex-wife's brother died."
Huh?
This was painful to hear. FF2 was shocked. FF1 was upset. I was upset. We were all upset together.
FF2 had to leave. FF1 and I went for a walk while I processed this info. It sounds so unlike H because he is vehemently private about this situation. He hates that peole talk about him and speculate about his marital status. He has no good friends at work now. Why would he change this deeply ingrained pattern all of a sudden? FF1's story changed slightly while we talked--someone else asked about the girls when H was going away--but she was firm that he told her friend that his XW's brother died.
When I left FF1, I decided to see Virago, the tarot reader. I've mentioned before that she was a couples counselor for 15 years, and her advice is more than just laying out cards. I told her the whole shebang, and she said that he never said these things. She pointed out that when he was hot and heavy with ow, he was very distant when we ML, and that that is not true now. He NEVER shared any of that info before--why would he now? She talked about the game Telephone, where you line up people and whisper into one person's ear, and by the end, the message is totally distorted. This all made sense. Then she read the cards, and they backed up what she said. She maintains that FF1's friend is stirring up the gossipy sh!t and that FF1 herself is projecting her own marital problems onto me and my M. She encouraged me not to talk to H about this at all because it would just make him mad. She also encoraged me not to share stuff about my R with FF1 anymore. This was interesting because in the reading on Sunday she asked if I had a friend at work who was talking about me and told me to watch out for this person. Hmmm.
Then I called a friend who is a school counselor--she's the person I drove with to the concert the other night. She agreed that I can't be 100% sure of who said what and that I should let the questions about the "dating" go, BUT she said that the XW comment affects me directly and thought I should talk to H about it and go from there.
So I called H with no success. I left a VM the third time and said I needed to talk to him and asked him to call be back when he got a chance. At 10PM I turned off my cell without anything from him. The land line rang at 11PM, but I ignored it. I was not going to try to have this convo after being jolted out of sleep and without my wits about me.
In the morning, I saw that he tried to call my cell 3 times before the call on the land line. I decided I'd call him when I was having breakfast--that's after showering, dressing, feeding the cats, and meditating. He called again when I was in the shower. He called again halfway through the meditation, and this time I answered because I was centered and focused.
"I tried to call you," he said.
"Oh really?" I said innocently.
Then I told him I had to talk about something difficult, was he ready? He guessed so but he was in the car. We could discuss it later if he wished, I said, but he said no. So I told him that someone at work told me that freind who works with him said that he said his XW's brother died, and I asked him directly if he had referred to me as his XW.
He said no. Never. But he does not correct people when they assume that we're D'ed because he does not want to discuss this with ANYONE. I knew all this already. I told him that it was hard enough to deal with this without other people talking about it, and he agreed. He said that a coworker approached him in the hall the other day and asked him directly if he and his wife weren't together anymore. He said he got a sour look on his face and said, "I guess not. I don't want to talk about it." I pointed out that now he's put that out there for the rumor mill.
He wanted to know who told me this, and I named someone who has no connection to his school. He asked why she would care, and I suggested that she might be concerned for me, but he said she was fishing for info. I said that I told her that I was not D'ed and that her friend must be mistaken. He sort of said, "Hmm," and I said, "Because I am not your ex-wife, H."
Then we chatted about some other stuff. He told me he'd taken the day off to hunt. I wished him luck and thanked him for calling. And that was that.
FF2 took me out for a beer that day(Friday) after work. She assured me that she knew nothing about FF1's friend. She agreed that it would be weird for H to abruptly 180 in his behavior. She also pointed out that FF1 is in no postion to judge my M.
I left H a VM about the hockey game last night and checked about his hunting success today. No response.
So now what? I can't think of a reason that FF1's friend would make this up, but it is possible that she misheard some convo and/or misreported it. It all sounds so unlike H, even MLCBS H.
BUT...
I don't want to be taken for a fool. H has lied about a lot of stuff in the past--why not lie now? If he IS having those convos, now he knows that it's getting back to me and he'd better knock it off.
Oy vey. I guess I've taken yet another leap of faith...but I'm still watching.
The rumor mill is hard to shut down. I faced the same problem after the local county fair where everyone meets in the beer tent and tongues get loose! After that I had family and friends approach me about what they had heard. If I hadn't been so shocked I would have handled it all better, but the rumors they were finally hearing and spreading were already a couple years old and had defintely gone thru the Telephone game. It was almost comical to listen to all the things I had done to ow! hehe
amd, what do you want to do? are you ok with status quo and can continue to wait for H? A lot of years have gone by and while you haven't been standing still it is time that cannot be recaptured. Would you be living life any different if you were not still M on paper?
Oy vey? is that Norwegian? Waiting for you to find me.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Oy vey is Yiddish. I grew up with a lot of Jewish friends, and now I say stuff like that.
WCW, you are saying wise things that my counselor friend said to me as well. I decided that I wasn't willignng to end this R based on this rumor. I may never know what the truth is about this, but I'm choosing to ignore it and move forward. This limbo WILL end one day when one or both of us can end it definitively. I'm not afraid of divorce, and I'm not afraid of waiting until I know for sure. Not today, anyway.
Your point about time passing is a good one. Today I found out that a FF at work is pregnant. We've hadups and downs in our friendship--at first she was very supportive of my choices; then she wasn't and didn't want to hear about it again; then she sort of apologized and extended her hand. I've cautiously become friends with her again, but I don't share stuff about my M with her. She had an A and went back to her H--this is why I turned to her initially. Now they've rebuilt their M and are expecting. I am happy for her...and also jealous. She is 6 months younger than me. Now I'll turn 40 without a child, and she'll be a mom by the time she turns. I know that sounds petty. I want a happy M and a baby, too, that's all. How would I be living diferently if we were divorced? Maybe I'd be dating, but I'm not sure much else would change. All in all, I'm content with the things I do. I need to get back on the GAL horse for sure. I've let stuff go because of work--being tired, etc.
I called H yesterday to check in. He ended up coming over, and we made popcorn and drank wine and watched parts of old horror movies--this is something we used to do all the time in happier days. He called right after he left to tell me he saw a giant shooting star. I made the wish for him
I see that he bought his ticket to PA for the annual family hunting trip--he leaves on Thanksgiving, so I don't need to wonder if he's showing up or not. Now I need to decide what I want to do. Jamaica is out of the quetstion this time. I have an invite to FF1's house, but I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. I'll probably go and enjoy myself but will be careful not to discuss H with her.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends! I have a lot to be grateful for, and you all are a huge part of my blessings. Thank you to all my friends here both present and absent. Where would I be without you? Be well.
Wow, I hate it when I let my thread slide. I have a lot of good things to tell you all, but for now just this: Merry Christmas, my DB friends! God bless us, every one! OK, that last line isn't mine, but it's appropriate--in keeping with the situation, one might say.
...and so do I! I cannot believe that I haven't posted before this. I actually forgot my password. I remember the days when I logged on here several times a day looking for a friendly note or the magic formula to save my marriage. Now I see more clearly every day that I've saved myself and feel confident in the steps I've taken/ am taking to continue moving forward within myself and within my marriage.
Before I get into any notes, HELLO ANDY AND SLOWLY AND WCW!!!!! Thanks for checking in on me.
OK, now I'm going back and will probably have to write this as 2 separate posts. So here it goes:
The period between Thanksgiving and the new year was an interesting time. We all know how the holidays affect us, and I was ready. H spent a lot of time here leading up to his family hunting trip in PA. He was so excited about this trip and really wanted it to be a success. He toldme that his dad was pressuring him to come live there and that he just might not come back. Total fantasy, of course--him wanting to escape from all his drama and to start over fresh. I just smiled and listened. He asked if it disturbed me that he might not come back, and I said no--and meant it. I did ask him what that would mean for our R, and he said we'd have to talk about it then. One night he asked me if I could be content living in such a rural setting, and on another he asked if I would want to come with him on these trips. I said yes to both--duh! My take is that he thought for sure that he would move to PA and get sometype of job, build a house on his parents land, and then send for me. He mentioned this a LONG time a go. I think it's how hebeleives he could redeem himself. Anyway, we had very little contact while he was gone, and when he returned, he really laid low. He siad his dad didn't pressure him the way he thought he would to move there, and I think H was a little disappointed by that.
BTW, I ended up spending Thanksgiving with another FF all toegther. That was the best choice for me. FF1--FFJG--ended up with another invitation for herself and her H, and this FF--FFJJ--told FFJG that she had planned on having me for dinner and that was just the way it was going to be whether FFJG liked it or not. It's nice to be wanted.
There was no clear pattern of behavior for H in December, but here are some interesting items: * My choir concerts were great, and of course, H didn't attend any of the 3. However, I cam home from the first one (on a Friday night) exhausted. All I wanted to do was wash my face and get into bed with a hot water bottle on my feet. I was surprised to see his car in he drive when I pulled in. He opened the door as soon as I turned the engine off, and when I walked in, I saw that he had a blazing fire going. He asked if I wanted popcorn, and we shared a glass of wine. We watched an old horror movie and styed up really late--till about 2 AM. So the next night, I wondered what he'd do. Would he be there again, or would he pull the disappearing act? Sure enough, when I got home, he was there and had a fire going, and now the wine and popcorn were ready to go. We stayed up really late again.
*He didn't appear after the Sunday concert, but when I came home, I discovered that he had gotten some pictures out from our wedding and honeymoon--ones that didn't make it into the album. He left them lying on the coffee table. So one day over winter break, I cleaned off a bunch of stuff off of the fridge door and rearranged the pictures on there to include these 3 that he left out. He said, "What's the deal with the pictures?" and I told him that I saw he had them out and that I put them up. Then he wasn't sure which ones were new. Whatever. I also put our wedding picture from my dresser in a different frame because I wanted the frame it was in for something else, so I rearranged all the pictures on top of his dresser and left them there. He has yet to say anything about them!
* He told me not to burn any more fires because he was concerned that we would lose power and that I wouldn't have enough wood for heat. He blamed himself for the situation because of the huge fires he built on those 2 concert nights.
Then the big winter storms hit this area hard. We started winter break early thanks to 3 snow days. H called on day 1. He was getting around in the truck, but I was pretty much snowbound. He told me to move the car because he was coming with a load of wood. When he got here, I asked if he wanted help stacking it, and he refused--said he had a system going and that it was too cold for me to be out there anyway. He brought a second load later. A couple of days later, he took me out in the truck to the grocery store totally on his own--I had plenty of food, but he told me to buy soemthing special for the holidays. We drove around a little to look at the snow. He also brought more "special" groceries by later that evening.
That same day, I otld him that I've decided to learn to play the ukulele and that I was going to buy myself one soon. He was very curious--wanted to know when I decided this and why (in the summer, and I don't know, it just came to me); did I know anyone who plays(no); was I sure I didn't know anyone? Obviously, this was a great point of mystery. We talked about brands of ukulele, and I told him that I had to do more research. Well, he came over on Christmas Eve with a gorgeous ukulele for me. You know he doesn't "do" Christmas because of the whole JW thing, so I really was shocked.
Christmas Day was a little strange. He called around noon and said that he'd be by later, but then he never showed up. I still had a fantastic day. If I'd wanted to go anywhere I could have--FFJK invited me to call her anytime over break to hang out and specifically ivtied me for Christmas, as did FFJJ, but I was content to be on my own. Besides, it's hard to hang out with other people's families on those days. Anyway, I was puzzled about why he said one thing and did another, but I shouldn't have been. Total MLC.
I have an invite to FF1's house, but I'm not sure how I feel about that right now. I'll probably go and enjoy myself but will be careful not to discuss H with her.
Whatever. I also put our wedding picture from my dresser in a different frame because I wanted the frame it was in for something else, so I rearranged all the pictures on top of his dresser and left them there. He has yet to say anything about them!