OK, for those of you who asked for it, here's my story. Sorry, but brevity was never one of my strengths - I always wanted to be a novelist!
I'm 41, H turned 50 early last year (I think the start of his MLC - started to get real upset about extra tests Dr. was doing because of his turning 50 - actually thought he was going to find cancer). Married 16 years, together almost 18. Three step-children 29, 26, & 18 (I know, do the math - H started divorce proceedings with first W shortly after birth of last child - think baby was one of those last-ditch efforts on her part to keep H). I've dealt with a lot of guilt over that one, but still feel I was not really the cause of the divorce - yet would have been a lot better off if I had held off getting involved until after divorce - chalk it up to my youth at the time??. I have finally made peace with myself over it - maybe justice has finally been done. Have to look forward, not back as SBT teaches us.
Anyway - had a very good marriage - typical ups and downs, but always there for and with each other. There were never any jealousy issues for either one of us. Step-children all love me and oldest has lived with us pretty much since divorce. Things started happening to me a little over 10 years ago (brother violently murdered, father dying slow, painful death - I took care of him pretty much exclusively for last 3 months of his life, I went back to school and got my master's degree, took a new, demanding job which also was a bit controversial in the community, then mother had stroke 3 years ago and moved in with us - H's idea!). Also started doing more and more separately. So for last year or so, I could sense things in our marriage weren't great, but felt it was just one of those bad times we would again weather. I, of course, now see that I wasn't meeting even one of his needs - and typical of him, he never told me at all of his discontent.
In early July '99, after one of those rather difficult evening with my mother, my H took off in a huff and came home very late to tell me that he couldn't take it any more. He was leaving. Said he didn't love me any more, had feelings for me, but not love. He felt empty inside, never happy, didn't care about anything - kids, grandchildren, anything, NO - There's no one else. Etc. You guys know the story.
Next morning, he comes to my office saying he wants to try to make it work, but we have to make some changes. Within 4 hours, my mom is gone to my sister's and within 1 1/2 months, son bought his own house. Yet H remains in depression, taking long rides by himself, sitting in garage drinking all night, leaving for work 3 - 4 AM (yes I would check and he'd be there - by himself) etc. We have several talks - he say's he doesn't know what's happening, it's scary - but he has to work through it himself. The more I push depression and medication or treatment, the angrier he gets.
Mid-August I find out that he has a deep emotional friendship with OW. He swears it is only friendship and she gives him the support he needs. But is furious at me for the very small amount of snooping I did to discover this. He still can't give me a timeline on when exactly it started, but I do know it was after March, probably around May - when my mother came back to our house (sister & I were sharing this responsibility). He had a very casual acquaintanceship with her previously and somehow she started calling him, then they started meeting in parking lots to talk. She's probably just a few years younger than I am, married with 3 kids approx. 15, 12, & 10. Not working at the time, though, so had lots of time on her hands. He continues to go deeper into depression, non-communication, distancing, ends up in ER for chest pains, etc. I found DBing and started to employ some of the techniques. Things keep getting worse and he keeps getting sicker - looks and acts terrible. People at work start asking both of us what's wrong (we have same employer - different work sites).
Labor Day weekend, he goes to camp with his buddies, but shows up home 5:00 am Sunday - very not normal. He says he's getting bad cold and couldn't sleep. I go to church and when I get back he's gone with a note that he had to go out. Nothing new. He gets back and says, "Aren't you going to ask me where I've been?" One of the 180's I had started employing - quit grilling him about where he'd been. I said, "No, you'll tell me if you want." He said, "I called Ow and told her I had to meet with her. I told her that we couldn't see or talk with each other any more. That I really want to make my marriage work and that our relationship wouldn't help that. That I could see that it could go further and I didn't want to let that happen. Why do you think I couldn't sleep last night?"
OK, great right? Well, he still is depressed, nothing gets better. Doesn't really seem like he's trying with the marriage, but I've read all about the grieving period after ending an affair (EA's too), so I'm giving him time and space. I'm in his office the following Friday and as I'm leaving, he gets a call. His responses are short and cryptic, so I am sure it's HER. I am a mess the rest of the day and weekend.
On Saturday, we work together on the yard, I have him take me out and practice shooting (we planned to start bird hunting together this year - my first time - more DBing), then I go to church and run a couple of errands, so he goes to Camp. In the meantime, all day I keep checking his voicemail at work (he doesn't realize he mistakenly gave me his password). Finally, paydirt around 4:00 in the afternoon. There's a VM from her saying, "Hi, it's me ("it's me" - so personal - I still have a hard time saying that to him - I should be the only "me" for him) You can call me around 6:30 on my car phone if you want." I deleted it!!!! Later when I get the cell phone bills, it shows that he checked his VM 19 times while at camp between 3 & 8 PM - but he never called her, so a minor victory for me. At the time, he had no idea that I had recently added call detail to our bills - previously only stated total minutes used.
Next day (exactly one week after he said he broke it off with her) I have a major case of the dry heaves (something that has been happening to me a lot since this all started). He says, "I'm doing this to you." Duh! We have a pretty crappy morning, but I tell him in the afternoon I want him to take me to camp and show me around as I've only been there a couple of times. We actually had a pretty nice time and he was very talkative.
Next day (Monday morning) he comes to my office again with big news. "I'm coming out of it. I realize that I love you and want us to be together always. I almost screwed this up big time." His wake-up call was that morning when the OW called him and told him that she left her H. Told her he didn't want anything to do with that! Ok, then the bombshell, he tells me that he did have sex with Ow on two different occasions when it was the very worst for him (mid-August) and only after I had accused him of it! (well we've finally worked through that one and he no longer will put any of the blame on me) Says I just don't understand that when he was so deep in his depression, he just didn't care! Now get this, at her house, in her bed, while her H is out of town and she has the kids farmed out to friends! I ask him if he could ever have even brought her to our house and he looks at me so horrified and says no, never. "But she's still a very nice person!"
Now we have a fairy tale romance for the next couple of months (September 13 - November 24). Everything is absolutely wonderful, better than ever. He tells me daily how much he loves me, we are doing things together and having a lot of fun, for our anniversary writes me a letter that is amazing, starts coming to my office for coffee every morning sex is better than ever, on and on. I can't even begin to explain how wonderful it all is, except I start and keep asking questions about OW and affair. Oops - major backsliding, but you guys understand - I'm just trying to understand and come to grips with it. Should have found different way, but not sure it would have made that much difference in the long run. We even got tattoos together during this time. I predicted she would call him and ask about it & I was so right (I was pretty sure she knew the date of his appointment). But he told me she had called and he was cool to her and told her "No, she could not see it." But makes me nervous because I see she is still pursuing him.
Mid-November I'm in his office and because of that nagging suspicion I still have, I hit redial on his phone and up comes a partial # which could be her work # - I ignore it cause it is possible (major stretch), but possible that he could be calling her place of work for his work. We go away that weekend and have a wonderful time - however, I ask him if he's heard from her lately and he says no. He says some majorly WONDERFUL things to me that weekend that make me feel like his queen!
Then he goes to hunting camp for a couple of weeks, but comes home a few times surprising me to take me out to breakfast, etc. On Nov 22, I come back from a business trip and he's at the airport to meet me - NEVER, EVER BEFORE. We go out for coffee & I head home and he heads back to camp. Still that nasty gut feeling! On Nov. 24 (day before Thanksgiving), I go home for lunch (h had been home in the morning) and I hit redial on our living room phone and get OW's voice at her place of work. So I go out to camp and confront him. Major blow up! We fight, I leave, he comes home, we fight, he leaves, he comes home Thanksgiving night, we fight some more. He's been drinking 24 hours straight - a major miracle he arrived home alive. He says the typical stuff. She's just a very good friend. They haven't seen each other since September (this I believe), they just talk on the phone from work a couple of times per week, he's told her how wonderful we are doing, she's trying at her marriage, but he needs her as a friend. AND I'M TRYING TO CONTROL HIM BY TELLING HIM WHOM HE CAN HAVE FOR FRIENDS! Lost my cool and said, "How many of your friends do you F***?" I spilled all my beans and told him how I had the cell phone bills (granted no calls to or from her since the September 13 date), that I was rather obsessed with her (but guess for good reason) and had driven by her house a few times and called and hung up, knew where she worked and paid attention to when her car was there, just little stuff like that. So now he says he's lost his love for me because of the things I did and we're back to square one.
Here's where we are now. He say's he's not ready to give up on the marriage, but is back much deeper in the depression - however not as bad as during the summer. He's retiring in 6 months and that is kind of a d-day for him. He will be taking off for a couple months at that time to visit his parents and do some traveling. Says he is looking for PEACE, that is what is missing. He feels empty and has no emotions whatsoever. Says he doesn't love me - that right now all he feels for me is a very deep attachment (what you can expect after a very good 16 year marriage.) He's agreed not to have contact with the Ow, but can I really believe him. However, I pretty much know of his whereabouts all the time, except work, but as I said they could only be talking on the phone from work or maybe meeting very briefly. He has recently said to me that he is not talking with her because he wouldn't be able to take it if he did & I found out, then he knows he would not be able to take another blow up and have to move out and he's not ready for that yet.
We've had a few talks in the past several weeks and he can vacillate all over. All the typical MLC stuff, doesn't love me, not happy, I'm a wonderful person who should do better than him, I'm beautiful, smart, sexy, and the saga goes on. Also says things like he doesn't care at all what I do, I could have an affair and it wouldn't bother him, doesn't like being at home, pretty much always wants to get in his truck and start driving and never come back. Neither one of us are ready to separate, but watching him suffer in his silent depression drinking until he pretty much passes out every night is getting very difficult. He says he's just biding his time until he can leave in July. But then talks about coming back in September and us hunting together, talks about us buying a new truck together next year, talks about our income and lifestyle after he retires.
We still sleep in the same bed & have had sex a few times since November. But, he doesn't seem to want to anymore now. That has been one of his things throughout this whole thing, he says he has a very low sex drive - but he is great when we do & he's never turned me down. After he pulled back so suddenly last night, I'm starting to wonder if he's feeling guilty, doesn't want me, is thinking about Ow?????????
So there it is, and 6 months later here I still am back where I was. Did I bore you guys? Sorry, but told you I have a problem with being brief. (Remember this was all written in mid-January)
Now a quick rundown of what's happened in the last 2 months. Slowly H & I are distancing more and more. I am trying very hard to detach and distance, so I start doing more with friends and going shopping, etc at night. No more touching or anything at all since Mid-January. He starts having trouble at work with his retirement date and some other stuff, so he's going pretty crazy. Now he is ready to retailiate on work, so tells me that I need to file for divorce to show them that they've ruined our marriage. That we aren't going to make it anyway, so why prolong it? If I think we'll ever be back together, I'm living in a dream world. He's just waiting for actual retirement then he's leaving for good and no one will ever know where he is. I told him I would not file, that if he wanted it so bad, he would have to do it. Asked if it had anything to do with OW as I knew they were meeting again. (I had followed her to their meeting place just a couple days before that - long story). He admits to talking to and seeing her but swears no sex this time. But says he will not stop talking to her. So we're pretty much just living together and that's it - but he doesn't file and we still talk about son's upcoming wedding and doing stuff together until he goes. He wants to sell house and I'm putting him off. That was about a month ago.
Not much change except a couple weeks ago I had to go out of town for work and have huge suspicion that he is having OW to our house. He acted very suspicious and did and said things that didn't add up, so I more or less accused him of having her there & we have a blow up. But here's what happened:
(Cut and pasted from post on MLC) This particular turnabout with my H happened after I came home last weekend and pretty much had accused him of having OW there while I was gone. What I did was calmly (OK, not totally calmly - but..... in the end I was speaking calmly) I told him I would no longer allow him to put all the blame on me. See whenever I questioned his strange behavior, he'd turn it around to somehow being my fault. And that whether he was f****ing her or not, any type of relationship with her was showing total disrespect for me. I could not control whether or not he talked to or saw her, but he needed to know it was not appropriate. BUT that if I EVER found out she was EVER in my house, that would be the ultimate. I deserved and would demand at least that much respect! (To never bring her into my home! - I don't know how Hopeful deals with that.) and that I hoped, no matter what, we could salvage a friendship and eventually - way down the road - build a new marriage, but if he continued acting the way he was, I was afraid we were breaking down what little we did have left. Total turnaround the next day!! He started acting so much nicer to me and asked me to go for a ride with him, and started being totally accountable for all his time. That's why I'm still so ill at ease. So up and down!
(Now here's my last cut & past from MLC - this occurred this past Friday) So here's what you've all been waiting to hear. My life has gone into CRAZY mode again. My head is still spinning and I'm not sure how to proceed - except I know VERY CAREFULLY!!!! (BTW just want to make it clear it was my anniversary band - not my wedding band. I've NEVER had my wedding band off.) Anyway, H continued to act very friendly yesterday and last evening. He had already shoveled the front roof and made dinner by the time I got home from work. He put a plate together for me to take to my mother (he had cooked her favorite) and knew I was planning on going grocery shopping. Of course I was getting a little nervous because it was getting near OW's quitting time (remember I had said Fridays and Mondays seemed like the days?). Anyway, he said, "Get going so you can get home, I'm not going anywhere." Then he leans over and points at his cheek for a kiss!!!!!! Also, just before I left, he was complaining about his shoulders being sore, so I started rubbing them. He said, "Keep that up and I may molest you." My reply was, "Fine with me!"
So I get home about 6:05 - OW gets off at 6:00, so no chance of that going on. We put groceries away and sit down on couch to watch TV - I start rubbing his shoulders (remember, we've had NO physical contact for at least a month) and he starts getting more friendly and then just starts to hold me real tight. Well to wrap it in a nutshell, things got very passionate last night - We both broke down crying, but he said, "no talking." I told him that I didn't know that we needed to right now as I thought we had said quite a bit without words. He agreed. We slept together BETWEEN THE SHEETS for the first time in 3 months, holding each other all night. Throughout the night, I could feel him softly kissing me on the back of the neck.
This morning, when I came out for coffee, he grabbed a kiss immediately and held me for a couple of minutes.
End of Cut and Pastes!
So since this weekend, we've been pretty good. Haven't had OR talk, but don't know if we should right now. Maybe we talked too much the last time. For now, he continues to be affectionate and TOTALLY ACCOUNTABLE TO ME FOR HIS EVERY MINUTE!!!! He's now back to talking about just going on a trip for about a month after retirement then coming back "home."
Sue Ann, Just wanted to let you know I read your story. I was doing a quick "hit and read" before my evening shift starts (dinner, homework, etc.). I will post back tomorrow with comments. Thanks for finding that article for Chelsea. She will be in all our thoughts and prayers tonight!
Ginny, pretty good actually. The aliens have just invaded my h's body to be an interior decorator, but ...... whatever! Thanks for checking on me. I have an unbearably long post over on the MLC train, so won't repeat any of it here. Sent you a few greetings there too.
hi, sue ann. just saw you over here. i think this is the perfect place for you. there are so many people over here going through so many of the same things that you are. i hope gg, jw, wesse, jenny, and others come and give you support.
i just wanted you to know that i saw this and that i think you are doing so great! i know you don't always feel like it, but all of your good work is shining through right now. keep staying off the or talk for now, ok? things are too good to risk it, that's my thoughts about it. and get that ow out of your friggin' mind! she's not around anymore, is she? i died laughing when i read your thread about what you did to her! we sure are going to have a great time in the keys!!
hugs to you, my friend! hope you have a great weekend!!
