The End or Just the Beginning? Part 3

[Atlas]

Look at that, I come clean so they lock me up! Thats the man keeping you down right there. Lol! Perfect time to start a new thread I think.

At the encouragement of someone on this BB, I am throwing it out there. I have a hard time admitting this, but here goes:

Not really sure where to start this, but things have taken a dramatic turn. Hopefully, it will be a good turn, but it is a turn nonetheless.

A little bit of a confession since I haven’t told all on this site, and few know who I really am. This has made my efforts horrible slow and nile at best. This is much a confession to myself as it is to others on the BB. I’m an alcoholic, and I’ve been attending AA for a little while. My temp sponsor, a doc, has slowly weened me off the sauce since I was unwilling to do 28 days in an intake facility, and then got me hooked up with a great full time sponsor. He is a great sponsor, 20+ years sober, and carries a big load of sponsees. He is rather strict and I’m only on probation with him until I can show him certain things. I have to go along with what he thinks, or he won’t sponsor me.

So after hearing my story and my alcohol problem, he said first he wants me to call my W, and say what I want and ask for 90 days. He knows everything, and I wanted to fight it, but he said I had to learn to let go of control, and she probably won’t give it any way, but that I needed to let her know I was in AA, since she is a C’er, and see what happens. I think he wanted to see if I was willing to follow instruction, and realized this couldn't hurt things any worse since we were about wrapping this D up.

Call to W was rough. I explained exactly what I was doing, W suspected AA, but wasn’t sure. She vented a lot, A LOT! All I did was validate and didn’t say much for myself in return. She stated that she was going to be honest with me, and hoped that I could forgive her, but it was going to be the truth. I was prepared for the worst and actually got a lot better then what I thought.

W acknowledged the A, stated how horrible it was and what a huge mistake she had made, I actually got a real apology. She said she has been dating, but that nothing serious is going on and at this point I have no business to ask about it, and if she wants to continue this she will. Unfortunately, one of my rules is I have to let go of control and not ask for anything but the 90 day hold off for now. So all I could say in return is that is fine, all I’m asking for is 90 days to hold off on the D proceedings. She said she was fine with that.

She told me that the other day, she had made it sound much worse then it was and there was no sex or anything going on. She was hoping I would push things forward since she said she couldn’t do it. She did say she goes out clubbing with the girls, but doesn’t bring anyone home, and if she wants to go clubbing she can. I said that is fine.

She reassured me that she isn’t going to be doing anything physical with anyone, but she did say if she wants to date she will. However, she did say that she hasn’t been totally comfortable with that, and now with this she isn’t sure how she will feel or even want to. But under my strict orders I couldn’t ask for anything more then the 90 days at this point.

It didn’t hurt to hear her say she was dating and going clubbing with the girls, especially with the reassurances. I’m not really sure how much I can believe, but if she is going to take some faith in me, I’ll take some in her.

My new plan: especially since this was her largest complaint on the phone was that I’m not there, “I seem to just disappear.” She was talking about me going dark. She said it really upset her that when I come by I don’t come in and see her for a bit. Which is weird because I told her unless I’m invited in I didn’t feel comfortable. She said she had nothing to hide, and said she would appreciate it. So a little extra time seems to be one thing she is looking for.

I actually found an old thread on D’ed but not done, that discussed about the situation my W and I were in a few weeks ago. As I read I couldn’t believe how many months passed for this guy why his W was unwilling to move closer. But she was at the house all the time, I guess my few weeks didn’t compare and I need to learn some patience.

But all I did was validate, and kept my mouth shut as instructed. She said she wants to see me around more, and feel like I’m there and helping. So I need to step up to the plate and give this a real try. So Faith without Action is death. On both the drinking and W front.

She seemed excited, said she hasn’t seen me sober even a whole week, so if I can show 90 days she says she wants to see who I am and what we are about. She did specify, with a big wall up, that this doesn’t mean we are going to reconcile nor are reconciling right now, she wants to see what I am about. So it is up to me.

[smith18]

Hi Atlas -

If you haven't done so already, you might want to check out jabs first thread and second thread. He too had a drinking problem.

As in his case, it is all up to you. Dont let anything that gets you down make you turn to the drink again. The booze only makes it worse.

[bhopeful]

Thanks for sharing Atlas. I know what alcohol can do to a life. Congrats on making the decision to get sober. It must have been hard to write all this down and put it out here for everyone to read. I think that I would find it a bit cathartic though as well. The truth will set you free and all that. Stay strong. You're in my prayers.

Peace,
B

[Torchbearer]

You are to be commended and are very brave Atlas. Coming to terms with your alcoholism is a big step, congratulations. It sounds like you have a good sponsor - listen to his advice, he's been there before and from the sounds of it has worked with many people over the years. Stick with the AA and as they say, take it one day at a time. You're in my thoughts.

[Atlas]

Thanks for the support.

I'm taking things one day at a time, and it has worked out rather well. I actually found a doc who is in AA, and has overseen wheening me off for some time now, since I was unwilling to go any other route. I know, not the best way to start. But we've been hanging out a lot and seem to be going through the exact same issues. His fiance up and left a few years ago for school, and they are up and down, lots of resentment, but are trying to work things out. So I've made a good friend there.

I'm not worried about W, affecting the alcohol front. I didn't do this for her, I have been working on this for a while, and mostly started when I knew things would be over. However, since I have started all I can say is everything in my life is beginning to change, almost all for the good. She may support me, she may not, that is her choice.

Whatever happens, I'm just going to do a 180 in that I'm going to be nice to her as a friend, spend some time with her. If she likes what she sees, so be it, if not, so be it. There really is no point in us talking about our R, because there isn't one. I also wouldn't want her back because she thinks it could work. I would only want her back because she wants to be back. Everything else is just heading for another disaster. Which is not the type of life I'm willing to accept any longer.

Just as in AA, I'll take each day as it comes. God will provide me with the tools to handle any situation. No matter the outcome, it is the right outcome, so I'll have to accept it for what it is.

I might have already crossed an unforgivable line in her book, and if that is the case, then it is. Nothing I can do about that, but find and be me. She will have to handle her resentments and anger, I can't do that for her and I don't have control of that. But she is angry, and justifiably so. I've dealt with my issues with her over these months, and I'm not angry, I have forgiven her, I won't forget, but I won't hold a grudge, use it as a weapon or judge her.

I just have a calm, open feeling about life now and know that I will get through this and anything else that is thrown my way.

[blindsided1]

Atlas,
I think you are doing such a wonderful thing not just for yourself, but for your son. I am a daughter of an alcoholic father. Let me tell you from the childs point of view, your R with your son will forever be changed. It's up to you to make that for the better or for the worse. I am in no way judging you. I just want you to know that because of my Father's alcoholism, even though I loved him, I couldn't tolerate the drinking and therefore put up a wall. My Father wasn't always a drinker. It started in his early 30's. By the time he was 57, he had schirosis (sorry, didn't spell check) of the liver and had to be put on a transplant list. Only then did he quit drinking and smoking. Let me tell you that I didn't believe that he had quit because I was soooo used to him lying about it. But, he had. He had turned his life around, quit drinking and quit smoking around the age of 58. He died at 59. Not from the schirosis necessarily, but because his heart just couldn't take it anymore. I miss my Father everyday. It just passed 5 years since he died. Now, unfortunately, my brother is married to an alcoholic. They have 2 children 7 & 10 who have been suffering for years because of their Mother's affliction. Again, I am not judging. The reason I am telling you all this is because I want you to see how much more wonderful your life and the life of your son and possibly your W can be. It is a hard disease to overcome. But, I know countless people who have done it. It takes a lot of willpower and determination. You have everything to make this happen for. I wish you the best of luck on your journey into your new and better life. I pray that your M resolves itself for the better, either way. You can do this. I'm sorry if I have stepped on toes or in any way made you feel uncomfortable. I just wanted to share my story since it applies. Please keep us posted as to your progress in both areas. And, thank you for sharing such a personal issue so openly.

[ann25]

Hey atlas - Good for you.

I can't imagine how hard it is for you to tell people that. My FIL has 17 years clean and sober in April this year. My best friend will have 5 years in May. I could go on and on as i know so many people in the program. I've been to more meetings than i could count. It's so scary to hear what people go through. I'm glad you didn't have to hit the worst of the worst (losing son, job, home) before getting on the right track.

It's a long hard road, but if you are determined to succeed, you can do it. I'm really happy that you've decided to make that change in your life. It'll be the best possible thing for and your family. Really, it doesn't matter how you start out. I know they all say you just have to stop, but I say, so long as you reach that point, you are doing alright!

Kinda makes things a little different from Ws perspective. Hopefully now she'll get to see you be the best man you can be and fall in love with you all over again.

you are in my prayers. ann

[Atlas]

Thanks you guys, no one is stepping on any toes here. All the 2x4's or encouragement are warranted and needed.

W TM'ed me at lunch that she is at the doc's and that she has bleeding ulcers. Said she would let me know what was up, but now I can't get in touch with her. She has had ulcer problems before. Well after reading up on the net about it, I'm worried sick.

I called MIL, haven't called her in months, she knew nothing, so I didn't say anything, don't need two chickens with the heads cut off.

What should I do, I guess all I can do is wait for her to call. I don't know what hospital, doctor's office, nothing.

[PhD_ChrisD]

Hey Atlas,

I commend your brave first step in dealing with your problem. Best of luck to you, my friend. Who knows, maybe W will like the new sober Atlas! Ask her in 90 days.

As far as her medical condition, all you can do is wait. I am sure she is not ducking your calls, probably just receiving treatment. So relax and wait for her to call you with the full story.

Best,
--Chris

[Atlas]

Dang those medical conditions scare ya. Turns out not to be nearly as bad as it is. She is going to head into work. She did call me her ex-husband on the phone. A new baby step, just in the wrong direction! Well I guess I am in some form, that sorta stung. Oh well, at least she is OK.

She did call only me, not even her mother, so I should look at it from that standpoint.