She's gone...I'm devastated, but hopeful

[minkerman]

My story:
I can fill in details later. But this will be a whirlwind encompassing the last 29 years.
We met when she was 16 and I was 20. We fell in love at first sight, married when she was 18 and I was 22. We were absolutely crazy about each other - nobody could have kept us apart. In the early years, 1980 through 1983, we had a ball. Both of us had satisfying jobs, we did a ton of stuff together, laughed and enjoyed life. In 83 our son was born. Wife quit work to stay at home to raise baby. In 85 we were blessed with our daughter. Wife stayed home until both kids were in Kindergarten, then re-entered the workforce. In 90 my Mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Same with my Dad, same year. Both early 50s, cancers unrelated. They died in 90 and 92.

Still with me? Good.

In 95 my job and career were in the toilet. Wife was having severe hormone fluctuations and mood swings, doctor was trying a bunch of different hormone cocktails to get her levelled out.

Then I did the unthinkable. I had an affair with a co-worker who was paying me a lot of attention, telling me I was 'hot', she wished I wasn't married, etc etc. I fell for it hook line and sinker. I soon realized this lady was a Fatal Attraction type, she wanted me or else she was going to tell my wife. She talked me into going away with her for a weekend, then she would 'let me go'. We did the weekend, I came home and told my wife everything, then broke it off with the OW. My wife assumed I wanted out of the M, but I convinced her that I wanted us to work together and get us back on track. I was serious! To her credit, she agreed to counselling, which we did. I think it helped somewhat, but didn't get to the root of the issues. Over the ensuing years, my W never really had closure on why the affair happened, and the times she tried to get me to talk about it, I would shut down, telling her how ashamed I was about the whole thing. The actual reason I didn't want to talk was because I didn't know myself why I did it. I had never examined myself closely enough to be able to give MYSELF answers, never mind her. So, over the years, she has been building resentment - I would never talk to her about OR or the A.

Finally it came to a head. In April I was out of town for 3 weeks on a work assignment. We missed each other terribly. We IM'd every night, lots of x's and o's, God I missed her so much. I came home, and she was expecting me to jump her bones immediately...what did I do? I went to check on a website that I manage, since I had been away from it for 3 weeks as well.

To her, it was the last straw. She didn't tell me at the time, but the switch flipped at that moment.

In July we were on vacation, in a group of 8 friends. One night, right in the middle of ML, suddenly she broke down, like uncontrollably crying and sobbing. She was certain I was having another affair, because I wouldn't talk about OR and I ignored her when I came home from my trip. I assured her that there was no OW (there wasn't!!) and that I was just an uncommunicative a-hole. The next day she tried to bring it up "so, are you ready to talk about what happened last night?" Not me. I said, not in the middle of our vacation, wait till we get home. I said it in a nice way, not nasty. I have always treated her very nicely.

We came home, of course it never came up again. I guess everything was OK?

NOT.

Sept 26, the bomb dropped. She had lost her emotional connection with me and we needed a separation. Nothing I could say could convince her otherwise. She needed time alone to re-evaluate what she wanted to do for the rest of her life. Whether it would include me was unknown. I was absolutely and totally blindsided. I had no idea she was this unhappy. I moved out and went to live temporarily on our boat, to give her space. I made all the mistakes, I left her love notes in her car, hugged her against her will, all that stuff we all do when our marriage is in peril. We IM'd a lot, and talked about OR on the phone. She was OK with this, it didn't seem to drive her away. I used the time to start my journey of self-reflection, to try and understand myself, why I've done what I've done over the years.

Oct 13 she asked me to come home. It was awesome. I was so happy to be back with her again. We had ups and downs, but by & large it was good. I was paying attention to her and trying hard to learn how to talk about the deep issues in OR. Nov 26 she told me she was still struggling with feeling desire for me and letting down the wall. But we kept at it, started doing interesting things to relieve the boredom that had set in. We went hiking, took a course at a climbing gym, went to 2 plays, out for dinner, it was like we were dating again.

Dec 25, Christmas Day. Bomb #2. She said that, try as she might, she still couldn't let the wall down because I still wouldn't discuss the affair, and she was still not feeling the desire come back. I had definitely noticed that something was wrong in the bedroom, and was afraid to bring it up.

Dec 31 she temporarily moved to her sister's. Today she moved to house-sit a friend-of-a-friend's apartment, which is available until March. She needs time alone to organize her thoughts about the future. She told me that she would rather be alone than live one more day with a false smiling face and a husband that won't share his feelings. Can't say I blame her, and I do understand why she's doing it.

In the time she has been gone, I have started a journal to record my feelings. Through the process of writing, I have had an epiphany regarding why I am how I am, and I completely understand my issues now. I don't need to go into them here, but suffice to say I had repressed a lot of memories of my childhood, which were instrumental in forming my patterns around conflict, communication and self-worth. I have also joined a yoga class, gotten back on the weights and treadmill, and am very quickly getting back in shape.

Fast-forward to this past week. I have been backing way off, sending just the odd email, never about OR. I am being fairly respectful of her request for space. I have been considering going dark, but I think it may backfire because her issue with me is LACK of communication and loss of emotional connection.

So I took a chance on Tuesday...I sent her a one-liner saying we should go for coffee this week or next. She responded "absolutely", and proceeded to suggest coming over to wash her car. I said why don't we wash your car and have lunch - sounds good, she says. I realize she can wash her car anywhere, so this was a positive step.

I couldn't wait to see her, and the rest of the week dragged by as I waited for Saturday. I had zero expectations, I was just glad to be able to see her.

I came home from yoga, and she was there on the couch - she gave me a wistful smile, and a nice hug. She had a hair appointment for 2pm and it was now 11am. So I had 2 hours with her anyway.

Well, we started to talk. We both cried a lot, and I told her about all that I had discovered about myself. I told her why I do what I do, and now that I have identified it, I know what I need to work on. We agreed that it was way too soon to even talk about moving back, but that this was definitely a step forward for me. She cancelled her hair appointment. We had lunch and drank a bottle of Prosecco over the afternoon. We talked incessantly about OR, and both of us were right into it. She is starting to see that I can do this, and I felt good knowing that what I have feared all these years (if I discuss OR and show my fears and vulnerability, she will judge me) never came to pass. She ended up staying until 5:30pm, and we gazed into each other's eyes and stroked each other's faces for what seemed like hours. Oh, and we did wash her car!

After she left, I felt very good - for having zero expectations, I think there were a lot of positives shown by her.

Today, her and her sis moved her into the friend's apartment. I offered to help, but she said "I'll invite you over soon, don't worry".

I felt very melancholy today. I think it's a "low" after yesterday's "high". I feel like we are making progress but we are both afraid to do too much too soon. I really think that once she is completely alone, she will be better able to sort out her thoughts. In the meantime, I am working hard on myself, to become more communicative and more in touch with who I am. Yoga is really helping.

I sent her an email today saying that I hoped that today's events (moving) didn't upset her too much, and how much I enjoyed yesterday, and how nice it was to hear her laugh in the apartment again. I've missed it.

She has committed to being in the friend's place until the end of Feb - we'll see what happens after that. She says the door was closing, but it's not closed yet. If we agree to split, or agree to give it another try, it will be both of our decisions. Those are her words.

I want her to WANT to come back to me. I hope that by concentrating on improving myself, I will not only become a better stronger person, I will become the person she wants to be with for the future.

There is definitely no OM, so please don't go there. It's all about her & me. She is really an awesome woman, and I have profound respect for her having the guts to do this. But I told her it takes even more guts for her to decide we should try again.

Sorry this is so long.

Any comments or advice?

[minkerman]

Here was her response to my email:

I'm sensing you're in a tough spot right now. Perhaps it's because I'm making the shift which is more concrete. Not staying with sis etc.

Next Sat. I'd like to go to Costco and I need to get my hair cut. I'll need some groceries too. I also will be needing a bit of down time so I'd prefer to wait a bit before we see each other again. I found yesterday to be very emotional and kinda draining and I just need a bit of space. Please understand, that's what this process is all about.

Having a XYZ week (this is a work thing, presentations etc) on the week of the 22nd and you know how draining those are for me.

I will stay in touch!

Guess I need to back waaaaay off now. I emailed her back, 'no problem, call me when you're ready, don't want to push'.

Maybe being Mr Nice Guy isn't working. I used to be a lot more confident and assertive, I think that's what she needs to start seeing, because it is the real me.

[cat03]

have you suggested marriage counceling?

[minkerman]

Yes I have. She doesn't want to do it yet, says she really feels she needs this time on her own. One positive though...she told me that her mentor is telling her she is making a mistake. I know she will think very hard about that. She really respects his viewpoint.

[minkerman]

Well, after her email telling me she doesn't think it's a good idea to see each other this coming weekend, too much emotion etc, now I'm not so sure about that! I backed off completely in respect to her request for space, and lo and behold what happens? Last night she called me to tell me she was settled in to her temporary separation cell(friend's apartment where she is house-sitting). We had a great, upbeat conversation with zero mention of OR. My phone timer said 13 minutes...so hardly just a hello/goodbye. She asked me what I'd been up to, so I told her my latest in my GAL plan...I've signed up for a 10k run, and I start the training program this coming Sunday. She was quite surprised. Anyway, it was a very nice conversation, and I asked her if she wanted me "gone" when she stops by this coming Saturday to pick up a couple of things. She said...."ummmmm, let me think about it". A definite change from a couple of days ago. So, now I back off again and give my sweetie the space she has asked for. It seems to be working for her.

Meanwhile, I work on becoming the best man I can be....yoga again tonight!

[SirPrizeMe]

Minkerman, hang in there. You want it to be fixed TODAY, but it may take a long time. It's a rollercoaster. Don't let yourself get too worked up about the highs and the lows. Just be prepared for a ride, you don't know how long it will be.

GALing really helps for that part.

[minkerman]

Thanks for the words of support, SirPrizeMe. I'm trying to stick to what you all tell me has the best chance of working.

[cat03]

Glad you are giving her space and GAL (yoga rocks). Best of luck, keep up the good work

[minkerman]

Man, it is hard not contacting her. We have been joined at the hip for 29 years, and we were always in touch. Now it's cold turkey. It's hard to have faith in the DB process when it seems so counter-intuitive...I just want to tell her I'm there for her! But I am pretty sure that this would be seen by her as pursuing behavior.

I guess this is my biggest 180...she probably expects me to be going crazy and feeling lonely, thereby contacting her. Hopefully this will be seen as new, confident behavior by her.

But it sure is hard.

[SirPrizeMe]

YES, it IS HARD.

You can do it. Stay busy. Don't have a cow.

You may get lonely. Understandable. Get a friend, someone you can trust implicitly, and talk to them at that time.

I have friends that I trust deeply. I can call them anytime. Anytime. Sometimes 3am, sometimes 2pm. Any time. They always answer. It helps just to talk sometimes.

Get a new hobby. Something fun. Something you always wanted to do. Expand yourself.

hang in there!