Thank you for your insight. I just don't know about my 'ex.' Not sure where he falls in the whole MLC mix.
I have the chance to find something good for me now. Whatever that may be. My healing took a long time. I now remember my worth and the things I deserve. The situation tore apart my self-esteem. It is nice being 'pursued' a little to remind me that I am not the ogre that he presented in the beginning.
The damage has become 'minimal' for me, thankfully. But I had to grieve the whole thing to get here. I was a mess.
Hope - I didn't mean to come across as critical. I admire the way you conduct yourself, and having watched you post over almost the whole period [I am very little behind you] I KNOW you are not uncaring.
I also agree that reducing the contact helps us to feel much better. I think you have fully dropped the rope, and distanced yourself from the whole mess. Oddly enough though, I think your h having that long conversation [was it September 07] in which he acknowledged his own hurt, and what he had done, may have helped closure.
I haven't had that conversation, and I would like to have it. It would help me to move on. I will manage without it, but I felt when you described it so movingly, YESSSS this is what I would like to hear, to help me heal.
I am happy for you as well. I feel as if we are very close to being in the 'same place' with all of this. We tried every innocent and hopeful way we could find to keep our 'ex's'. But we both came up lacking what we needed to continue.
Hope, I believe Was2Sad hit it on the nail head this w/his posting. You are the link from his past and because he's floundering in the sea of depression, he contacts you to help him from sinking furtehr into the sea of depression. Your h never cut the ties w/you like so many others have. The reason he didn't is because you've been there for him throughout it all. He knows that you will not leave him out in the cold and he knows that you are his very best friend. That says a lot about what he feels for you deep down under all of that depression fog.
I, too, continue to get communications from my xh, yep, after all of this time. He calls and never leaves messages, both at home and work. He come to my home when I'm not here and moves things around or takes little things, just so that I know he's been here. He can't let go of the past either. For some unknown reason, we have been chosen to be the life perservers for them, even though they've been gone, as we knew them before, for a long time.
Hope, I still try to analyze what this all means too. It's very confusing, but then I stop and go back and re-read what I can on depression and realize that there is no rhyme or reason for what they are doing, except reaching out to what has been familiar to them in the past, hoping against hope, that we will still be there to keep them from sinking further into the depths of depression.
I know that this isn't what you were looking for in the way of an answer, but I do think W2S got it right in many ways. He's not calling to ask about puppy, he's calling to hear your voice, to see if you are happy and yes, to hear about your day and activities because he can't make a move to make his life happier. As Angelica has stated, they are just existing, nothing more, nothing less.
I do hope that some day, we can find the answers to all of this, but I seriously doubt that we will. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I really appreciate your candid post. I can understand what you are saying, but I am wondering how this makes H feel better to receive back contact from me if he's so depressed about what he did in the first place? I mean, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Meanwhile, lately I have had some bits of anger start to surface and that has been a long time coming. Specifically, about ow and the whole baby thing. I am so angry that he was so careless that ow could pull the lie off three times. What a total slap in the face to me...as we are childless between us.
If he ever brought up a R conversation on his own I know I would come out with this. I need to be heard in regards to how much that hurt me. But I won't say anything on my own. I am trying to process & move on.
I am sorry that your xh continues to do what he's doing, too. Isn't he remarried? I wonder what his wife has to say about that?
I have several books on male depression. Maybe I should take another look.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope - I didn't mean to come across as critical. I admire the way you conduct yourself, and having watched you post over almost the whole period [I am very little behind you] I KNOW you are not uncaring.
I also agree that reducing the contact helps us to feel much better. I think you have fully dropped the rope, and distanced yourself from the whole mess. Oddly enough though, I think your h having that long conversation [was it September 07] in which he acknowledged his own hurt, and what he had done, may have helped closure.
I haven't had that conversation, and I would like to have it. It would help me to move on. I will manage without it, but I felt when you described it so movingly, YESSSS this is what I would like to hear, to help me heal.
Does that make sense?
A
Angelica,
Oh no, I didn't mean that you were saying I was uncaring! lol! I know you know me better than that! There are so many new people here that don't know the full story so I wanted to say something in hopes to clarify I've been through an awful lot with H.
Yes, that talk was back in Sept. and I journaled it. Sometimes I reread it and it helps me sort out my feelings. It was long overdue and it did help me a lot. There is still so much more we did not discuss and I would like to, but I know I can't just go asking for that to happen.
And you totally make sense.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Hope, From what I've read, they need to "reconnect" periodically with the things or people that were a part of their past life, a life that was essentially the happiest time of their lives. It's not the guilt that has them reconnecting, but desperation for sinking further and further into depression. When they have those moments of clarity (as Sting referenced a long time ago), they need that contact, to know that the life and/or the person that they once knew is still out there. To someone who hasn't been in the depths of the dark depression, it is extremely difficult to understand.
All you can do is be you. If you have a conversation w/him, talk to him just as you would a neighbor or a co-worker that you haven't seen in a long time. That's all he needs to survive a bit long until the depression grabs him again.
The anger is normal process for us. As we begin to heal and think about what they've done, we have anger surface and it helps us to process and do what is necessary to go the next step in moving on w/our lives. I experienced that as well and it pushed me to the next level to continue moving further away from the fallout of my xh's crisis. The ow will pull many different things to suck your h back into their drama. The baby ordeal was awful for you, but you've got to find a way to let it go. The people in crisis become very irrresponsible during that time. They don't think pregnancy, addiction, health problems will happen to them. The euphoria is what is causing them to fly so high, just like bipolar individuals have that "high" and the the big let down. This is what is happening to those in crisis. Their highs are very high and the lows are extremely low once they hit that all time dark depression. Our coaster ride is bad, but their's is even worse, if you can imagine that. At least we can find things to get away from them and their behavior, but they are stuck with those demons in their heads, hearts and souls 24/7. Now, I'm not making excuses, I'm just trying to explain what I've read about, observed and spoken to those who have experienced a crisis.
Definitely speak up if he raises the subject. He needs to be held accountable for what he's done. He's far enough along now to be able to hear and try to process some of what he's done.
Yes, my darling little devil has remarried. He married to ow and has been married about 4 years. I seriously doubt that the new bride knows what he's done and is continuing to do. I sometimes wonder if some of the hang up calls are from her looking for him. I do know that he doesn't put her name in cards and doesn't reference her in conversations with his aunts and uncles. They also have different telephone numbers in their respective names at their residence. Sounds like roommates, doesn't it? Sad, but it's a true example of "be careful for what you ask for".
Hope, you aren't alone in this. There are a lot of posters who are experiencing exactly what you are going through. It's tough and it takes time to find a place where you are comfortable in dealing with his behavior. But, I can say this, you will get to that place when you are ready. It took me a very long time to figure out what I needed to do to get there myself.
Hope, here is the book that I read that really opened my eyes as to what transpires in people w/depression. It is called "Unholy Ghosts, Writers on Depression" by Nell Casey. It gives you a different perspective as to how people in depression can be.
Snodderly and Hope - I still struggle at times with trying to understand Depression. There is an excellent book by Dorothy Rowe about depression. She is a fully trained psychotherapist who has struggled with depression herself. People with depression who have read it say it is one of the most helpful books they have come across in explaining what depression is like and what can be done about it by the sufferer. She is generally opposed to drug therapy except in extreme cases, and to get people over a difficult period, and totally against long term reliance on anti-depressants.
Snodderly, thank you also for explaining this complusion to stay in touch. With my h it is one of us - he needs to have contact at least once a month with one of his sons or me. If he has contact with them he can skip having contact with me . . . at least for a while. If he has no contact he gets desperate. He dosn't understand why - if I question him about what he wants, very gently, he says 'Well it is what people do' as if he has a manual of how to be human in his hand.
He cannot understand why we can't all be 'friends' which appears to mean that he can do as he wishes, disappear for long periods of time, see us if and when he chooses, and be as rude, vitriolic and critical of us as he wishes. Presumably while we all smile and nod! It is an unusual definition of friendship and family!!
Hi Hope Just wanted to throw out there that i have been on this board , but not as a poster and i think I had a different name but then forgot my password..but i am thinking since summer of 2005 and i did take a break....humm the reason you stand out to me is becuase u and BND had names with hope in them..anyway I was on this board reading about her awfule MLCER too, then I think was gone 4 -6 months maybe and then i came back to read and oh mh gosh her H had this huge turnaround..anyway I read and I do understand what ou are saying..I received the actual bomb feb2005...oh mh gosh 3 years...so much has happened..d filed june2006..not action until now..he delayed but now new dates..he only filed for d over his OW XH (who she divorced right after i got tthe bomb found out he got one too) anyway he did not knwo about affair and then found out last spring wrote a letter to her whole family , the day the family received it my h filed..anyway not sure why i went off on that , but I just remember I was alwasy hoping your H would come back...he seems like he wants too but cant get there..like in a dream when your underwater and trying to get to the top...I wish you the best and think your doing great...
