Good to hear from you and happy to hear you are doing so well. I couldn't agree more about the move "The Bucket List". Anyone needing to get out should absolutely go.
I think your insight regarding the chance WAS's are given is spot on. It's also good to hear that the pain does continue to lessen. Thanks.
Hi Grace, that movie was fantastic. I would definitely see it again. It's sobering, isn't it?
H is still sending his random texts. I was trying to study so I didn't reply back for a couple of hours. Nothing important; he asks about my class or the puppy. I do not understand why. What I wonder is, for those who never restored their marriages and went along in life, did their spouses continue to do this, keep in touch about meaningless stuff, years on? I want to stress H doing this means nothing to me as far as hoping to reconcile; two years ago, yes, I would have been soaring to hear from him like this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
Do you think you are becoming his link to his past? Someone he needs to check in with on occasion for some sense of comfort. If you could take yourself out of the equation, and insert anyone else in the world into his chain of contact, who would it be?
A family member who is passed or out of contact? Someone from his past who he feels he has lost touch with? Or is it possible he does not feel that you two are lost ... but only unable to maintain the desired level of closeness for now?
He is a confused one ... and he is confusing to you.
So, do you answer him as if the vet had texted to say how is puppy? Or do you offer up some brief piece of puppy interest that he will feel he is missing out on? I don't think he is wanting to hear "puppy is ok".
I think he is wanting to hear some little story about what you and puppy did today, as if he were in another world and needed this news to stay connected to earth until his return.
was2sad---yes what u said.....I dont even think a divorce is filed here..i just think still MLC..feels bad about what he did and doesnt know how to forgive himself......building a friendship to see if its safe? could it be ..or trying to
Part of the problem Hope is having, is that this possible "friendship building" syndrome has been repeating itself for some time now with no apparent forward motion. That seems to be creating its own doubt for her.
If this is not his intention ... then WTH already ?????
So she continues to GAL like there is no tomorrow, or yesterday, or whatever.
And she is creating a pretty remarkable one indeed.
Was2, I am usually " to the point " in reponse and I don't elaborate anymore like I used to. No more detailed puppy tales about puppy tails (lol). Call it a 180 if you will. After years (wow, yes, years) of being a certain, predictable way, I got tired. I decided to act differently; not to elicit a response out of him, but for me. So I'd feel better. Taking back the power I let him have for far too long. It made me feel inferior, always bending over backward for him when he would contact me.
Does that make sense?
graceallday, no, we are not D'ed yet, just leg. sep. but it's been a year and 1/2 of that now, and almost three years since H shot off into replay, which he isn't in anymore but that doesn't really matter at all. My greatest piece of advice to folks here is do not sit around waiting for "that day" when your H/W isn't in replay anymore. That is not synonomous with reconciling. There is no guarantee they will want to work things out, no matter how patient you are through this.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
You sound so good. Peaceful and grounded. It has been nice to get back to that here as well. Whatever his reasons are for the texting, you are clearly not interested. I felt the same way.
My 'ex' wanted to know if he could call me from time to time. He was about to marry ow. I was unaware of this then. He wanted to keep a piece of the past I think. I wasn't such a bad person after all it seems. Anyway.
It has been nice to finally have myself back without the contact. I never understood what he was wanting when there was any. I am enjoying my new job, making new friends at work and enjoying life w/o the turmoil.
Mickey and Hope - After 'Replay' and the other stuff, so many of them are not done. They lack the skills and confidence and will to sort themselves out, IMO. And we can't help them with this . . . . .
Why do they want the contact? Well at the 'front' of their minds they don't know. At the back of their minds frankly,I suspect they wish it had all never happened. They can't go back, and they can't put it right. I suspect Micky, that is why they sometimes marry the OP. They either still think they are in love [but I think that is the minority, from what I read here] or they don't see how to put things right in the previous life. So often they are not people making choices, they are people driven by their demons, their emotions.
Where the OP is not in the picture, all is still not well. These long MLC are VERY difficult to heal from - for us and for them. The journey away from us has been great, the distance well nigh unbridgeable, and their capacity and will to make any 'restoration' not present. Perhaps shattered, perhaps lacking.
I sometimes wonder if the severe MLC cases haven't got piece of humanity missing!
It is all a tremendous mess. On one level they have no right to be contacting their former spouses, but we are not talking about 'rights'.
I often wonder what I would do if my h ever emerges from the tunnel. As Hope said - what we long for in the earlier stages of all this is no longer something we recognise as being either achievable or our goal. It is actually a tragedy. The destruction of happiness is the most pointless destruction of all. And the hardest to put right.
We talk about moving forward and growing, and we do, but a part of us is damaged by the pain, loss and betrayal. I am not saying there are no gains, but there are tremendous losses for them and for us.
Hi Mickey & Angelica. I enjoyed reading your posts.
Just so I don't sound like an uncaring soul, I wanted to say that for well over 2 years all I did was offer love and kindness to my H, in the hopes he would want to reconcile with me. Holding on to that desire to reconcile was not allowing me to fully heal, but I wanted to save my marriage, so...
After moving away from H and thus reducing the actual in-person contact, I started to feel much better. The healing is well under way although for quite some time, I still hoped he would come out of this and want to reconcile. Late last year he again told me he can't and wouldn't do that; he had ruined too much. On the brink of beginning a new year, I decided that was the last time we would talk about it, and I told him as much. I said I knew we were done. And I meant it. He's made it clear and I frankly want something more than "this" for myself. Life is short. I still have so much I want to see, do, love.
So that is why these random texts from him cause me to question. If he's so done and such, then why bother? All it ends up doing is proving he's still so unsure of his life. But I don't care to keep up with the game, so to speak. I do reply cordially, but I don't offer up long conversations with him like a loving wife would do. He doesn't want me to be a loving wife, so I won't be acting like one.
Angelica is right about the tremendous loss. I know I have lost. But I am healing from it and by telling H that I knew we were done (and meaning it by my actions) I felt a lot of self worth come back and I know I am in control of my own life; it isn't dependent upon whether H comes out of a crisis anymore. I think too many LBS's end up in that rut. I know I was one of them for a very long time but I won't do that anymore. I wish the same for so many others.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
