Separated and hating it.

[LuvMyHusband]

Hi everyone,
I am new to this topic but have been on another for a few months. I am so unsure of myself. One minute I feel strong and sure and the next I'm crying and unsure.

We have been separated pretty much since August. There have been issues, brought on by both of us. My H had been talking to an OW when he left but is adamant that she had nothing to do with his decision to leave. I'm not buying it. As far as I know he broke it off with her about 3 weeks ago. She managed to show her true colors.

Anyway, I had thought we had been making progress, talking, spending time online with each other playing games. I have this feeling that he is still looking to greener pastures though.

I have had a problem with snooping for a long time. H hates it, rightly so. I have been trying to stop and think I have been doing a pretty good job.

He says that he doesn't want to come home until he sees "changes" in me. I'm trying. But...I feel very hurt that he doesn't seem to see any problem with his behavior. Whenever I try to talk to him about our R, he says he doesn't know, not sure, can never give me an answer. Btw, he only took one suitcase with him when he left. We have been spending the holidays together and I think things are improving but then he leaves and is distant again.

I told him today that I really needed to know if he wanted me to wait for him. He said he didn't know but that if I couldn't, I could file. Again, never a straight answser. I told him that I would wait but not if he was using the time to look for something better. That I needed to know that he was being faithful while he was "figuring" things out. I also told him that I was working on letting him go and give him space.

I am so confused. We have been playing and talking, was that progress? I just don't know.

[LuvMyHusband]

did I do the wrong thing with trying to talk to him today? Should I have just kept quiet and kept playing games online with him and kept it light?

I don't want to push him away but I feel like he is playing me. I told him that I would rather he be honest with me and let me go if he wants out than to just keep me hanging on. He sends such mixed signals.

[WAS32]

Time to read or re-read the DR. No R talk. It's not helping. Don't worry so much about what he is doing and worry about yourself. You need to start GALing and be happy with you. I think at the beginning of seperations all signals are mixed. Everyone's feelings are all over the board. Do what you need to and get reading again.

[Dom R]

I told him that I would rather he be honest with me and let me go if he wants out than to just keep me hanging on. He sends such mixed signals.

I think that if you keep telling him, "if you want out then let me go".. eventually he will "let you go".. becuase that's "what you've been asking for."

if you dont want that.. then stop asking for it.

[fish]

Dom is spot on.

Welcome to limbo land, yes it sucks.

Best thing you can do is give him space. If he wants to come back it must be on his terms. I know this is VERY difficult and I did not do it well while DBing.

A lot of serious damage was done in my marriage. 99% sure we are getting divorced. I am now in the acceptance phase that our relationship is over.

Either way you will be ok.

[LuvMyHusband]

hi there,
Thank you for your responses. I don't want him to let me go, I guess I want to hear something positive out of him. Everything is so confusing. I just don't know what to think. I did start rereading the DR. I am finally to the point where I can just let go and give him space. It's been a long awful trip. I guess I should take heart that he hasn't moved his stuff out. He's been living out of one suitcase for the last few months. Nor has he made any effort to take more with him when he visits.

There has been a lot of serious damage done during our M too, by both of us. In a way, I am glad it's come to a head. I feel like my eyes have been opened and I know exactly what I want, know what to do and what not to do. I most definitely know what I want in my R.

He says he is waiting to see changes in me. I guess by his saying that he doesnt' feel there is anything that he needs to change. I am trying to focus solely on myself now and am making changes, not for him but for me. I guess time will tell. He's stuck and not moving but atleast he's not moving backward.

He is supposed to come for Christmas. He is living with his parents out of state. It's about 10 to 11 hours away.

[saffie]

Luv,

How you doing?

Saffie

[Jen1967]

My telephone coach recommended Men are From Mars Women are From Venus. I know it's an old book, but she seemed to think it would help me where I am, and seemed to think my husband might like to read it, if he's open to it. (I did LRT for a while, now we're in a different phase, less anger, more talking. Step 1 is to diffuse anger, that was my LRT. Step 2 is friendship and more talking, on his terms. That's where we are. Step 3 is romance and dating each other. Step 4 is he's decided to try reconciling, we can talk about my needs too and consider counseling.) Anyway, the reason I'm mentioning this to you is that I'm learning a lot from the book. It says men, when in their cave, need time to figure out what they feel and think and want to say. To push them to talk before they're ready makes you encounter the Dragon (anger, or escape, by him). I have a really hard time doing it, too, so I know exactly what you're talking about. I have the hardest time backing off and letting him be silent. But I'm learning. Maybe you could check the book out from the library. I didn't expect an old book to help because I thought the info might be outdated, but it so far is good. You're not alone.

[Jen1967]

My telephone coach recommended Men are From Mars Women are From Venus. I know it's an old book, but she seemed to think it would help me where I am, and seemed to think my husband might like to read it, if he's open to it. (I did LRT for a while, now we're in a different phase, less anger, more talking. Step 1 is to diffuse anger, that was my LRT. Step 2 is friendship and more talking, on his terms. That's where we are. Step 3 is romance and dating each other. Step 4 is he's decided to try reconciling, we can talk about my needs too and consider counseling.) Anyway, the reason I'm mentioning this to you is that I'm learning a lot from the book. It says men, when in their cave, need time to figure out what they feel and think and want to say. To push them to talk before they're ready makes you encounter the Dragon (anger, or escape, by him). I have a really hard time doing it, too, so I know exactly what you're talking about. I have the hardest time backing off and letting him be silent. But I'm learning. Maybe you could check the book out from the library. I didn't expect an old book to help because I thought the info might be outdated, but it so far is good. You're not alone.

[Jen1967]

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