New to this BB but old school DBer kickin' it over here now to get some support. The rule about not snooping kept me blissfully ignorant through a year of separation. H has PTSD so I chalked my destroyed world up to that and hoped that soon he would be ready for getting back together by now. Well, snooping around was not my intention but I found a printed email between H and OW in the printer as I was leaving his apartment (I was preparing the turkey for our dinner the next day...Yeah, that's right, Thankgiving eve...nice huh?!).
Although it has only been about a week ago, I feel a sense of relief having some confirmation for my suspicions. My sitch is such that when I confronted H that evening, he fessed up and told me that he had no excuses but was sorry he disappointed and hurt me. He said he was wanting to talk about D after the holidays. I was so completely devestated, as we all would be or have been I am sure. After telling H that I wanted to keep my last name and our cat, I told him a little story that seemed to be not worth much at the time but I felt like getting it out:
"You know that I have known about OW since the first day I confronted you about the cell phone bill and you said she was just 'a friend'. I chose to trust you and now I am getting burned, this sucks! It is funny because we could have been done with this a long time ago had you just been honest. In the beginning of our separation, my counselor asked me if I could forgive you should it ever come out that you were unfaithful and when I blurted out 'yes' I began to cry. I always thought my gut reaction would be opposite and I could just walk away, but when she asked I did not hesitate before answering a firm 'YES'."
After that tidbit of information, H halted all D discusssion and stated that the fear of my never forgiving him stopped him from imagining "our" future as he didn't think I could forgive him for the affair. H then said that hearing that I could forgive made him want to try working on the M with me. Now I have so many questions but I know when I ask him, I won't believe him. H gave me permission to snoop and check up on him..."anything that will ease my mind" H says, but I feel crazy doing that. When anxiety bubbles up I am supposed to call H and talk it out...is that healthy?
If anybody has suggestions about the questions to stay away from and how to make myself feel better and more secure about the affair being done, while still DBing, I am all ears...we are still separated but seeing each other a lot more since about August of this year. That was another issue because things seemed to be on a major upswing but all the while H was thinking "D in '08 or Bust" because he didn't think I could forgive an infidelity...OY and I thought Combat PTSD was my only emotionally difficult issue to take on!
Hi and welcome. I love your style of writing. You are very talented.
Quote:
"You know that I have known about OW since the first day I confronted you about the cell phone bill and you said she was just 'a friend'. I chose to trust you and now I am getting burned, this sucks!
This happened to me. I chose to trust H, and he accuses me of denying my suspicions because I didn't care enough. Nope, I just chose to trust you....
Sounds like you turned a corner which is great. Is the A over? I hope you can continue 'countering' his divorce offer. He seems open to wanting to try. My H is afraid I won't forgive him either ("Why bother asking for forgiveness when you won't give it to me...").
Welcome S4N, Your H gave you permission to snoop and check up on him?! Wow, all I can say is wow! Even though my H's A seems over, and he seems to want to be with me, he's has not become transparent. Seems like a good sign for you. But tread carefully and slowly.
As far as talking when the anxiety bubbles up, I'd go for it. If he's offering to talk, let him. Many WAS don't want to talk. Again, I think that's a good sign.
Thanks for the compliment LWB, that was a much needed self esteem boost. Last time I called H with "crazy feelings" I told him that when I don't hear from him I imagine he is calling, texting or emailing her. H said that I don't have to worry about that because it was done before he and I talked about it. I believe him on this because the email I found seemed to be a follow up to an argument that ended the A a bit of time ago.
Our Hs are very similar in their thinking about the As. I am reading a very informative book titled "Not 'Just Friends'" The title in addition to the quote on the front from Michele convinced me to buy it. I read it when I can...or have the energy to confront the sitch. So far so good, I asked H 4 of the 10 questions recommended to start the healing process. H is out of town on business but has the questions with him to ponder in order to discuss them when he returns.
Thanks again for reading and commenting on my post
Hi Joie, I am treading just as you suggested. Being wary of the truth is much more tolerable than trying to uncover lies on my own. H understands that it is OK to tell me hurtful things because then I can tell that he is being honest. Balancing my need to thwart anxiety and not wanting to rely solely on H for that support is difficult.
Although he isn't completely transparent, H has been wonderfully perfect. Almost to the point of being textbook perfect, which is worrisome. His comment about snooping was to tell me to do anything that will ease my mind. It was very helpful but being separated, H still has a lot of freedom to be dishonest and while stringing me along.
Thanks for reading my sitch and offering your comments!
