Hi everyone, Well, he did it again. He's not coming home today. H said he's "not ready yet" and that I should just "be patient and understanding". I am so sick of all this b.s. And I am so sick of having all our problems dumped on me. I can't even cry anymore.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
Luv, I'm sorry, but it would be better if he came home when "he was ready" You don't want to put yourself or your child through him coming home and then moving out because he wasn't ready. Unfortuntely, these affairs seem to take a while to run their course. Is it right? No, but if you are in it for the long haul you have to have patience. I understand your pain totally. I've been on this rollercoaster ride for over a year. Only we can decide how long we can take it. This has to be your decision.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
he says the OW affair is over, that he can't stand her bc she is a liar and a vengeful b---h. Gee, who'd figure. He says he's not ready bc of me. I told him that I feel like he is playing me. When he's here, everythings great. Then he leaves and it's awful. I don't know how much more I can take. I don't think I will ever believe him again. He puts everything on me. Says I need to change. I have not been investigating or checking. He expects me not to "react" and be hurt when he does this again. Does he expect me NOT to FEEL? The kids are going to be so hurt when they find out he's not coming home today. But of course, that's my fault too. I don't tell them anything, EVER, but he accuses me of poisoning them against him. When I tell him his own actions are showing them, he says I should be trying to make him look good. Unbelievable that he wants to make me responsible for how they feel about him when he is shooting himself in the foot.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
Yoyo is right, if he's not ready than it's better than coming back and moving again.
You know, people that blame others for their mistakes are like that because they can't handle having flaws and sometimes are too lazy to do something to change them. They snap about being imperfect. They always want to be right about everything. You can't argue with someone like that. They just don't listen. The only thing you can do with these people is leave them no exit for their arguments. Hope you get what I mean.
HAL, you sure hit it right on the nail. It's like he knows that things he's done has hurt me and our M but in his mind, what he has done hasn't been as bad as what I have done. The OW was a friend and confidante and a BIG mistake he says. She was more than all that. My response was yes, it was a mistake. Mistakes like that happen sometimes when we are feeling unloved, unwanted and inadequate.
LuvMyHusband Me: 41 H: 43 ch: 3 M: 7+ T: 10+ Bomb: EA 8/07, A over phone/net 10/07 Seperated: 9/07 H ended A/EA with OW again on 1/2008 Reconsile: 3/26/2008, H admitted PA
Im so so sorry, But don't look at it has a negative thing.. yoyo is right you don't want him there out of necessity, you want him there because he wants to be there.. but I know, he shouldn't have even said he was coming home unless he knew for sure. That's worse. email me if you can.
((hugs))
tal
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
When I read your first post in this topic, a shiver ran up my spine. My H had a PA for over 1 1/2 yrs. I found out after 7 mos. He told me it was over. About 7 mos after that he left, said he needed time to think, figure things out, it would only be for a short time, he just needed some space. I kept waiting for him to come home, he kept saying soon, not long, he wasn't quite ready. Turns out he was still seeing OW all along, never ended it. I found out over a year after my first discovery.
All I guess I want to say is that I wanted him home so badly that I did not see what was really going on. I allowed him to come and go in my life, put up with his disappearances, his excuses, his lies because I was afraid of pushing him away. All I was doing was making it easy for him to live two lives. I'm not saying that's what your H is doing now, but be wary of wanting him to come home when he says he's not ready. There are reasons he is saying that. It wasn't until I told him I was done, it was over and I needed to get on with my life without him that he finally ended it with OW (I think, and hope). I was serious, though, and he managed to convince me to give it another try. My LRT was not intended to get him back - I really was done.
Everyone is right, though, you really don't want him back until he is ready, and in the meantime, get on with your life. If he doesn't come back, you will survive, and by starting now, you can lay the groundwork, get stronger and treat yourself the way you deserve to be treated.
Take care.
What does not destroy me, makes me stronger.
FA:43, H:42 D:7 M:10 yrs, T:24 yrs EA:?, PA:1/06 S:3/07 EA/PA ongoing Aborted attempt to move home 07/08
This post stung me as well. When my H left in July 06 he said it was to give us space and time to figure things out, he needed to think, and we could work on our issues. All it was was lip service. He really had no intention of truly coming back. Sure he would come and go. Spend the weekend here and then come Monday freak out and tell me he wasn't ready for that. I lived this rollercoaster for a year. I, like fooled again, wanted him back so bad that I turned by eyes away from what was really going on.
Move on with your life. If he gets himself together for real, great. If not you are so much farther down the road.
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Hey, sweetie. My H was having an EA when he dropped the D bomb as well. All during the D sitch, he blamed me for EVERYTHING. He had also cheated somewhat physically 3 other times and that was my fault too. I had *made* him "forego his integrity" b/c I wasn't giving him what he needed emotionally & physically at home.
Well, that's all bullsh!t & we know that. So, as far as your H saying that everything is your fault, I will give you this advice: I came to terms w/ what I knew I had & had not done in my M to bring us to where we were. I made the changes I could to make things better, but MOST IMPORTANTLY, I forgave myself for what I felt were my transgressions in the M and moved on. I knew that if I couldn't forgive myself, I couldn't live w/ myself no matter what happened -- whether we stayed together or got the D. It's not easy; it was constantly, *if only* I had done this or not done that, but you can't live like that.
I have to agree w/ everyone else. You truly don't want him to come home until he is really ready. And he will know when he's ready. What you can do from here on out is get on the big DB bus and ride. I know it sounds so cliche, but try, try, try to be happy with YOU again. That was so hard for me. After so many years of marriage & 3 kids, who the he!! was I anymore? I sometimes still don't know. But you need to find yourself again; that person you were before you got married. She's still in there somewhere and, once you can be happy w/ just you, that's when you will know you will be ok if he doesn't come back. That is when he will realize that he truly could lose you b/c maybe you don't want him back. That's when he will wake up.
Work on you and figuring out what makes you happy w/o him.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
