tremendously frustrating to believe to your core that you now have the tools to make a great M and R with your S and your S not being interested.
This is frustrating...as long as you actually have the tools. Having a better R with your spouse isn't as simple as reading a book. There is a fair amount of pride swallowing and realizing what your issues are and working on them.
You've got it wrong. This isn't just a place to just come and vent...not if you don't want to get beat up. If you want to write about what a terrible person your wife is being and how she's so terrible for destroying your life, etc, you can, but be prepared to be told when it's counterproductive and not really all that indicative of a man that is working on his issues. I see the continuous venting about how your W is doing this to you as as indicative of a person that isn't working on his issues....he would rather this just be his wife's issues. As Heimlich said, we can only go off of what you write, and so far, all I've seen is how messed up your wife is and how angry you are. My suggestion is to quit focusing on how wrong it is that she left and start focusing on working on yourself and paving the way to reconciliation, if she CHOOSES to try again with you.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yes, I am very angry that she chose to discuss our personal life and M with a total stranger. Our 15 years together is thrown aside for some "fantasy" that may or may not last. I realize that my sitch is like many others but I never got the chance to fight for my M and feel totally helpless.
I have been told again and again to "work on myself" but my W and children meant the world to me and now I am alone and expected to sign papers to give her what she wants.
I am doing IC, coaching and everything else I can to deal with this. All she says is that she thought about it and cried over it but this is what she must do. I also really like the statement that our children "will adjust".
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
Yes, I am very angry that she chose to discuss our personal life and M with a total stranger. Our 15 years together is thrown aside for some "fantasy" that may or may not last. I realize that my sitch is like many others but I never got the chance to fight for my M and feel totally helpless.
Sure you did - You had 15 years. Just like I did. We didn't do it when we NEEDED to do it. Now we have to try to back our way into it through the mess and figure it out. I'm in basically the same position you are. Anger has NEVER helped me. Not at all. You need to fight for your W, but in the right way.
Her A will fail at some point. Statistically only a few percent of A's actually make it anywhere. The majority die out within six months or so. You just need to start to let it go, because there is nothing at all you can do to change it.
Originally Posted By: markyb
I am doing IC, coaching and everything else I can to deal with this. All she says is that she thought about it and cried over it but this is what she must do. I also really like the statement that our children "will adjust".
If you read DR again, you'll realize that she's talking in absolute negatives right now. Her anger is clouding everything, and it's easier for her to bail on the M if she hates you rather than if she still has an attachment.
I realize that my sitch is like many others but I never got the chance to fight for my M and feel totally helpless.
At first I too thought I never had the chance to fight for my M either. My W, with no prior signs, talks or fights just got out of our bed in the middle of the night & left....At first it was shock...then came the poor me, the victim me & some anger...Then I took a good long look at me & what I had done to make my M go the way it had/has. When i came to terms with my roll in the failure, my anger/blame went & understanding came with the realisation that I had infact had more than enough chance to fight for my M.
You have to stop with the victim stuff & how your W is/has ruined your life etc. Theres a very good chance that your W just gave up on the M after years of whatever problems there may have been. One thing is certain, she saw a problem with the M & like it or not, just like everyone else here, you were part of that M & the problem.
For your sake my friend, you do need to take control of you. The anger & the blame is not having control of you. Accept what has happend & your part in it. Then & only then will you begin to move forward & have any chance of progress with your M & yourself.
My W & I are nowhere near being back together if you are wondering mate..However, one thing I can assure you is that, had I gone down the road of anger & blame, my sitch would be so much worse than it is now. At the moment my W & I remain friends & neither of us in the six months have pointed any blame at each other. Infact, my W would tell you herself that she is totally to blame for what has happened. I strongly believe that is because I avoided the blame game...Please, you should too, mate.
Yes, you can bet she has imagined how it would be to be married to the OM! That is part of the fantasy. That's what I'm trying to tell you. You've got to listent to me. This is not the girl you married. She isn't thinking, acting or talking like herself. But she must be making somebody believe something.
Quote:
It is so easy WHEN THEY HAVE SOMEONE ELSE to fall back on and then the LBS becomes the "evil one" and is blamed for the WAS's life not turning out the way they pictured it.
You keep saying things like this! Why? Where do you get off thinking they have it so rosey? Why are you the evil one? B/c she said you were or b/c she wants you to think her life is rosey? If so, then she has you believing the lie! You are feeling sorry for yourself.
Your pride is hurt....that is obvious. But I don't think (speaking as a WAW) that is the intentions.....hurting the H's pride. Your pride is hurt b/c she has turned to OM and talked about your M to somebody else. There is no easy way for a W to leave a M without hurt feelings. I just wished you could see past yourself to understand this is not reality and she is not "winning" here. You must stop saying things along that line. It is not helping yourself but instead, it is keeping the anger stirred up. You won't begin to start doing positive things until you start to cool the anger.
She may want this to be real for her....but what she dreams of and what will really happen are two entirely different worlds. You have to decide if she is worth fighting for and if she is then do it in the right way....which is DR.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W just informed me that she has made an appt. for the mediator for next Tuesday. I don't know if I should go since I have told her days ago that I am not emotionally ready to make such important decisions. Then I thought that going would give me the chance to see where I stand at the end of this. Any thought on going or just holding back until later??
Sandi2,
I don't know how we can reach each other. I could so use more insight from you.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
My W just informed me that she has made an appt. for the mediator for next Tuesday. I don't know if I should go since I have told her days ago that I am not emotionally ready to make such important decisions.
You answered your own question. Are you ready or not?
Want to see where you stand - work through your lawyer for that one.
Mark, I started not to reply b/c I can't give you much encouragement. I think you need to hear it like it is and that is what I will tell you from my POV. And....here it is......
If your W has the financial means to make it without you and if the OM is free to have a life with her and is stroking her ego and feeding her hope.....then I don't think you stand much of a chance. Now, if something should happen that forced her eyes open to see something really bad in the OM....then she might change her mind. But, it would probably have to be something big!
I will use myself for an example. If I had given up my family and M, etc. to go to be with the OM and I went to his town and his home and I found it to be nothing like he said it was and that he did not have the fantasic career he claimed to have and he was not going to give me the future he talked about.....then I would have been devastated. But you see, we never met together in person....it all happened over the internet. We were planning to meet before I called it quits. Of course we saw each other over the webcam and we talk on IM and the phone, email, etc., but it is still not like being together in person. We may not have clicked at all once meeting in real life. He never mentioned marriage, he just said he believed we had a future together. Well, at my age, I have to think about health insurance and retirement will be hitting in a few years....I have to have a certain amount of security to cling to. There are certain things like that that all the fantasy in the world can't keep from happening. Without the benefits of M....well, it makes a gal my age stop and think about what I'm doing. I couldn't make it financially on my own and I was afraid to risk everything just to take off to "visit" him to see if I was going to even like the guy once I met him......you see what I'm saying. A dose of reality started hitting me and I thought...."Am I crazy?" Of course, by then I had found this board and people here were helping me to getting my eyes opened to what I was doing. The fog begin to lift a little in order for me to start thinking clearer. Oh sure it sounded great and I was so turned off by my H and wanted a knight in shining armour to come rescue me from this life that I wanted to believe the dream.....but I kept asking myself.....what if the dream turned out to be my worst nightmare.
But sweetie, I'm afraid that I can't offer you much encouragement where your W is concerned. I'm so afraid she is down for the count. I think she was really burned out before she left you. To her, this OM probably seems like her knight also. She has been very unhappy and is wanting rescued. If he has made her think that he can give her the kind of life she deserves and they will be happy.....yada, yada....then she is going to try it. I don't think she will give up with the D until she gets it. Personally, and it is only MHO, but I think she looks at it like you had your chance and you messed it up, so now she is through with you and any life the two of you might have had together.
I know this is strong stuff. But, like I said, I think you need to hear it straight. The decision is yours to make. I think it will only make her hate you in the end if you try to keep her from being free. Remember, if she is seeing all this anger and resentment in you.....she is seeing you at your worst and she will not want to give up her knight for you. I did not want to give up mine b/c I thought my H was so hateful and there was no way I wanted to spend whatever time I had left on earth with him! So, try your best to be sweet and calm in spite of everything. Leave her with some kind memories of you. When she sees your face in her mind's eye.....you want it to haunt her....not to make her glad she's rid of you.
Like I said.....it is your personal decision that only you can make. I hope it will be one you can life with. Let us hear what you decide. We care about you and even though I may not say what I know you really want to hear in your heart.......I hope you'll keep in touch.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm glad Sandi was straight with you. It is what you've been told...she is doing what she thinks is the right thing for her and will continue to do that. By working on yourself and dropping the anger issue, you are giving her something to consider in terms of options. I would say go to the mediation and go through it with the understanding that this is the real deal...you are working your way towards divorce. Dragging your feet or putting your head in the sand doesn't change reality. The reality (at the moment) is that she's sure she wants a divorce. Going to this and being a mature, confident, and yes happy (not angry, vindictive, and blaming) will let her see that you want to work on your issues. If you can't go without throwing out blame and guilt, then don't bother.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
