I have read your threads for a while now. As horrible as Puff is to you, I have thought all along that it must make things easier in a way. I am in no way insinuating that this is in any way easy for you...oh, no...not at all. I hate that he does/says the things that he does. It sure must make it easier to detach though. How do I detach from the guy who compliments me more now than he ever has?
IMO, the guys like Puff are more likely to come back (or at least want to) in the end. The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. That Puff has all that anger stored up tells me that he loves you (and dislikes himself) very much. I don't get that vibe from my H. Mine is more a case of He thinks he doesn't love me anymore and he is afraid to try.
Our main problem is that we rarely discuss anyhing. I will tell him how I feel about something (example: "When you come seek me out in the house all of the time, it gives me the impression that you want more from me than what we now have), he will quickly say, "I won't do that anymore." To me, I have just started a discussion. Haven't I? He looks at me like I am insane when I say that (that I am trying to have a discussion). I think that I just don't understand how to communicate my feelings. He says that I don't, yet he never really gives me any suggestions on how to improve. I have pointed out that a C could help us with this, but he seems to think that the ability is just there or it isn't. I really want to do better, and I just don't understand what I am doing wrong.
AHA! I just had a lightbulb moment. I think that I try not to talk about this stuff because I know that analyzing it is a waste of time. I am not, however, analyzing it in the newbie way (as in, "he said this, so does it mean that he still loves me?"), but instead in a way to try to understand how it is that I keep screwing up the communication. I know what we are doing is not working, but I have no idea how to fix/change it.
I sent it about 2 months ago. Part of his reply is that he just has never loved me, and that I can't love for the both of us. When it comes to filing for a D, it has never been about not loving me. It has always been justified by "I just don't want to hurt anymore."
You're right. One of my main problems is that I am so scared to stop being "nice." I do see that being nice has gotten me nowhere, yet I can't seem to get to that place where I can say that he needs help (and yes, I agree, he does).
I also can't stop myself from trying to save him, even though all wisdom tells me that it is impossible to do so anyway. Like I said, the clarity I have for all other sitches is just not here.
The reason you have clarity for other situations and not yours is because yours is the only only one in which you have an emotional attachment. You are afraid that actually setting the boundaries will put the nail in the coffin. The main thing to remember is that you just can't live like this. Sometimes the biggest risk we take is not to take a risk.
OK - there appear to be several approaches to divorce by the MLCer. Some of them go right ahead and file, and take to the hills; others mess around for a while, and then end up filing. SOme go through with it, and others don't. But it seems to happen in early to mid Replay [no time line here, just an observation, from an admittedly small sample] Then there are what seem to be the 'confused divorcers', where they start divorce proceedings at least a year post bomb. It is as if a bit of them thinks that if they go ahead with a divorce it will simplify things and make them clearer.
They don't NECESSARILY want the divorce, but they are swirling around in a fog. As I said, this group seems to start thinking about divorce when they have been in MLC fog quite a while - 18 months - 2 years. Some things are becoming clearer to them, and they want more clarity, and less muddle. But they aren't through the crisis and as we know, some [many??] don't make it through.
I am not saying, or presuming to say, that your h does or doesn't want the divorce. But it is possible that he doesn't know himself, andas BND says,it depends on the day and the mood.
Spewing vs indifference. Some people are angry, and others more depressed. This can give an appearance of profound indifference. I think we hear more about the anger, but I suspect many of us are nonplussed a lot of the time by their 'couldn't care less' attitude. In some ways at least as hurtful as being yelled at.
It is easy much easier to detach from the monster spewers like the puff.
I really have no idea how to do it, when it comes to the "nice" ones.
I know Cinderella man has one, so does butterfly mom.
Some others do too.
I think, and that is just me.
A 180 might just shake things up a bit.
I mean just for your peace. He wants a D. Then go get one see you later.
B/c this whole time ,you have been lovingly detached, very sweet back to him, and I think these "nice" ones just grow to expect that or take advantage of it.
Maybe he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.
He needs to know that you are not always available to him, you need to move one.
Take a breath too, in between all of this
you are going to get hit with a million directions to go.
I pray about the advice I get when I am on my own, and then go with my gut.
Take some time for you.
Don't get caught up in the analysis paralysis.
You will be stuck, and that is not healthy.
Read, meditate about it, then go with you inner voice.
My prayers are with you guys lovey.
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
C, What about this... Ask him if he really wants the divorce. If he says yes, reply with "Well I don't, so I've decided not to go along with it at this time. If you still want it in six months, we can talk about it then. But for now I'm sticking by you while you work things through."
Yes, there are different answers and that is ok. One things I see is that her H opened the door for talking. He asked the questions. We don;t initiate relationship talks, but we can have them when asked. The other thing is that CMNM says she is tired of living like this. Each situation is different.
In this situation, one thing we all agree on is the need for boundaries. The reason for the boundaries here is that CMNM gets sucked into her H's confusion. The boundaries are for CMNM. Also, CMNM wants to change the dance, so according to the DB principles put forth in the book, she has to do something different.
CMNM says she is tired of living like this. Each situation is different. And depending on CMNM's desires, there are different avenues available. The key is to get to the right solution for her.
You are in a tough spot. My H was a lot like that till he got his gf - now he wants little to do with me. I also got my hopes up many times, until this new R started.
The fact that there is no one else in his life is, I think, very significant. You have been separated (I think?) for quite some time now, and he would have had plenty of opportunity to start something new, but he hasn't.
My suggestion, FWIW, is a softer take on IMP's. If he says that yes, he does want the D, then starts coming around all nice and flirty, it's time to say, "H, we are getting divorced, we are not friends and this is not appropriate." He will get angry, and you hang up. Say it nicely, but firmly. He needs to understand that you have feelings, you are not just a toy for him to pick or put down when he wants.
This should make him realize that the D won't be everything he wants, but even if it doesn't, I think it will help YOU.
Love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
