Need quick help. In a mediation session today I had to admit that some assets I owned (worth about $8000) which my wife thought I still retained, I had actually cashed in to pay bills a few years ago. Meanwhile I had told her I still retained them on a number of occasions.
The cash will not make a particularly large difference to our proposed arrangements - however it allowed her an opporrunity to say "See! I told you so...!! This is why I want to separate...!!"
I felt i had scored a serious own goal and she then piled on the pressure during the session with a whole bunch of emotional blackmail. This allowed a total deflection from the fact of her one-year relationship with a married man (which is now conveniently 'over' by the way, though I have my doubts) so that I am now the only 'guilty party' in the relationship once again.
She can guiltrip me effortlessly and I find I have no defence against it. This is a girl who was sending me beautiful love messages right up to the day she met the OG. Then all changed.
Anyhow, my question is, how do i recover from this situation and regain some advantage. I am being browbeaten in this mediation process and by bullying at home to accept a settlement I don't want. Don't want our family to break up, don't want to leave... it's all being dictated by her.
Don't want our family to break up, don't want to leave... it's all being dictated by her.
Peter - I don't know your sitch and I'm not going to pretent that I do...but this line stuck out to me. Please understand that you are 100% correct in that it is being dictated by her and it will continue to be. You have no control over what she does or what she says. She will make those choices for herself. If she wants to beat you up over paying off some debt..so be it. Should you have lied? No..but you did. So own it and do your best to move forward from it. That is really all you can do. As my friend says - "It's not if you screw up, we all do. It is what you do to try and make up for it that counts."
But back to my point - one of the biggest lessons I have learned from all of this is to control what you can and let go of what you can't. And both of those are equally important. You don't want to lay down. If there is something within your control...take charge of it. But be wise enough to know what is not within your control and let those things go. You will only drive yourself crazy and make yourself look bad by trying to control those things.
Pete, I'd like to say it's good to see you again, but I guess not under these circumstances.
Where is that great lawyer you had?
Regardless of the money, the assetts and even the mediation, what and who are you? The money, the affair, the mediation, anything and everything else, has happened, it's past. What kind of a person are you though?
She can still guilt trip you effortlessly? No she can't Pete. It's a game you are playing with yourself. Are you enjoying the game? What do you get if you win?
By playing the game, do you think you stay connected to her? Is a twisted, combative, abusive relationship better than no relationship? Is that how it feels? If you let go, will you disappear, never be loved again, be a failure, so you have to keep playing? It's not true, Pete. A sick relationship is not what you need or want. It keeps you from living and from having the relationship you should have. You can be loved, and will be loved in the future. You can start by giving yourself a break. You can start by liking yourself. You are not a failure. The people who's lives were destroyed by the tsunami aren't failures. You got hit by a tidal wave, Pete. You can't control everything. You're not a failure. Let go, Pete. Even now, even with what has happened to you, there is still so much joy in the world, so much for you to experience. Let go of this so you can enjoy it. Don't be afraid.
The answer to your question "...how do I...regain some advantage" is: Don't Play the Game. You don't have to. You decide what you want and go for it. You're goal shouldn't be to Win at her expense. She doesn't have to lose for you to win. She has been setting the rules anyway. You don't need an advantage, you need to untangle yourself from this emotional mess.
You don't need an advantage. You've got all the advantage you need. Don't play the game. You don't need her.
There is no guilty party in the relationship. Get over it. Your both guilty. Niether of you is guilty. Stop thinking like that. It doesn't matter, especially now. That's all over. Doesn't matter if she's seeing the OM. It's you that needs to change.
If you can get your head on straight, if you can find Your center and live your life, the rest can't hurt you (or at least the pain becomes clean and healthy, and it's your pain, and it can't destroy you).
I don't think you can do this instantly, especially if you haven't done it yet, but you can try, and you can start, and you'll have to do it eventually anyway - unless you like feeling the way you do now.
Petey - stop playing the game.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
Sounds like your wife has taken advantage of you for some time...Feel like a doormat by now and your still holding on. Been there and done that. I like you tried to save my marrige for almost three years. Mediation, from counceling, to one lawyer to two. The ending has it that today I wonder from all that I have learned how I could have possibly stayed with my wife who does not love herself and uses people for her advantage. The writing becomes very clear once all the emotion of the event dissipates. Friends come forward and share things you thought you would never hear etc... I am very sure the MLC is real from all the research that I have done.It still is no excuse for their actions and the disruptions that occur as a result.They are certainly cognisant of their actions but may be unaware of the consequenses????
I have to share the fact that I am happier than I have been in many years. The children have taken it very well and I do miss them for I do not see them as often. However, the time I do spend is of a greater quality with no frustration.Do what most do on this board. Get a life of your own and let go what you cannot change. This will allow you to see more clearly what you really have and what is worth attempting to save.
It is good to see you posting again, and do not leave it too long next time. Our little online community is not same without you.
I am on too much of a downer, to give any positive, uplifting or optimistic advice. But I do echo and validate all the advice you have already received.
I am sure that the selling of the assets to pay bills, was the right thing to do at the time, for the right intentions, and for the best of both parties. I had a similar situation of a windfall payout, from a life assurance company that floated. After some debts were paid there was not much was left.
Course it was all my fault! The WAS wants everything. They don't realise that it is all swings and roundabouts. That if the assets were still there, then so is the debt!
Reread thread again I really have to echo this from Focus
Originally Posted By: Focus
I wonder from all that I have learned how I could have possibly stayed with my wife who does not love herself and uses people for her advantage. The writing becomes very clear once all the emotion of the event dissipates. Friends come forward and share things you thought you would never hear etc... I am very sure the MLC is real from all the research that I have done.It still is no excuse for their actions and the disruptions that occur as a result.
It's good to hear from you. Sorry to hear that things aren't going that positive for you.
The only way to stop a WAS who's a bully is to know your rights. Paying bills is part of life and the normal way to run a home. Yes you lied to her but be honest with her and yourself. My guess is when she inquired about this money you were already walking on egg shells with her. Not wanting to be the bearer of bad news you chose to let her belive something else. Show her the transactions that showed you were trying to eliminate the debt as a M coupled. Then let her take in the information anyway she wants. Don't leave the house until you're under a court order to do so. Use the Act as If technique and show her that what's going on isn't bothering you. Let her second guess herself and she probably will. Don't let her bully you anymore.
Try speaking with I statements and stand up for what you believe is yours. This new side of her might be what she's looking for.
I'm touched and enriched by all of your comments and I will spend the next day or two reflecting on them. I do at this stage think it would be healthy for us not to live together... well, I can do it, but she can't. And if if was just us, we could part easily enough. But there are the children, and I just don't see why, if I am the one who wants the marriage to survive, and she is the one who has had the affair, that I should have to be the one to hit the high road. For that is her basic proposition.
And then, no doubt, the OM will in due course emerge from the woodwork, and take my place and attempt to parent my children. I'm not having it, and I feel very empowered by the comradely support in your posts above. Thank you all for your time and feeling in posting, I shall read and re-read with great care.
Oh, Pete, The kids. That part can really hurt. I can empathize. I imagined my kids being raised by the OM, and they would call him Dad, and it brings me to tears thinking about it now.
Here's what I did. I tried hard to think of what was best for the kids, even at my expense, and to let go of what I can't control.
I thought of it this way. If the kids are happy, healthy and safe, then I've done my job as a parent, and as s person who loves those kids unconditionaly. So even if they don't call me and even if they call the OM Dad, if they're happy and healthy, it's OK. For the kids, this really is where UNCONDITIONAL love comes in. Unconditional, even if it hurts you or me.
But, I know my kids aren't going to forget me. I doubt yours will either. And time is on our side. We have time to build good relationships with the kids.
So fight to keep the kids, if that is best for them. If you lose that fight, keep doing what's best for them.
The jealousy and pain is yours,and your kids don't need it, and shouldn't have to deal with it.
I wish for you the strength you need to do what should be done, and to forgive yourself for the mistakes you'll make along the way.
M45, W45,S15, D10, Bomb 10/3/06, Moved back in 11/6/06, finally ILY 9/07 last thread
