Thanks to everyone that posted on my last thread, here
Your words were a big help. You really don't know until.., well maybe you guys do know.
It's been real tough. I've been in a quite a bit of pain, more than I expected. I tried to get up and around the day after my surgery. Big mistake. Even with crutches, it was a mistake. I've never been on crutches before, so my inability to get around on those things caused me to put more weight than I should have on my knee. The swelling is finally down, still quite sore but I can see light at the end now. Can't wait to start running and pumping iron again.
W did not take me to surgery, but showed up after while I was in post-op to take me home.
To say I was shocked was an understatement. I thought I was hallucinating when the nurse asked me if I wanted W to come back there. I told her, "my brother will come as soon as you guys call him", nurse repeated that W is out here for you. I told her, "my W is D'ing me, I don't think she is going to be here". This got quite a few laughs from the nurses. Nurse came back after a bit and said, "is your W's name ______?" I said yes, and the nurse said, she is out here do you want her to come back. I said sure.
I'm positive W was only there and taking me home because of pressure from her parents. They couldn't believe she was going to go out of state while I was having surgery. That started a bit of a spat between W and MIL/FIL.
To be honest, I would much rather have walked home than take that ride. IT SUCKED. I was in and out due to the demerol, (sp?) and vicoden, not to mention whatever they gave me during the surgery was still affecting me. The whole way she is grilling me about settlement issues. What about this, what about that? I kept fading in and out. Last thing I remember is her asking about my pension and how is that paid out to her, I passed out and woke up when we were pulling into the garage.
W was no assistance to me at all during my down time. Today W took my D's to Great America so I have a chance, and clear head to post. W did nothing, my kids helped me with everything I needed. Which is part of the reason why I pushed it too much so soon after the surgery. I had to. I had to get up and get my meds, basically I had to do everything I normally would do for myself and the kids, while under the influence of vicoden and pain. Not trying to be overly dramatic, but it sucked. My kids would help me get dressed, which sucks, but I couldn't bend my leg so getting pants on alone was impossible. Stuff like that, which under normal circumstances a spouse or friend would help you with while recovering, W did nothing. Even food, W would cook dinner, tell me it's ready, I made the mistake of saying, would you mind bringing it up here as I'm a little out of it right now? "Fine, I'll bring it up there, but you should probably just come down anyway since I'm leaving in 30 minutes and you will have to bring the dishes down when you're done since I won't be here". I just went downstairs. That was the last time I asked W for anything.
What did I expect? That's the problem. I expected her to at least do for me what she would and has done for others. She did not. If I didn't get the point before, I got it now.
We have to attend parenting classes. W has been calling me almost constantly today to ask if I can get the money, her friend is going to loan her the money, so we can get into the classes asap. As soon as we complete the classes the D will be finalized.
Even the mediator told W to mellow out. That W can't be hammering me about terms and conditions while I'm in a drugged state. W didn't care. Kept going at it. Yesterday we met with the mediator to finalize terms. W brings up something about $1300.00 she says I agreed to. I have no idea what she is talking about. Mediator asks when this conversation happened. W tells her, "Friday morning". I said, the friday morning after my surgery. W, turns away from me and now is talking directly to mediator, "he was awake, he knows we talked about it". Mediator says, "you had surgery Thursday, and they put you under for 3.5 hours, correct?" I said, "I guess so, I don't actually know how long". Mediator says, "before you left the hospital they gave you a shot of demerol and 2 vicoden?" I said, yes. Mediator says, "Friday were you still taking the vicoden?" I said yes, but I'm not sure how good I was about that, I was doing it myself and I think I took too many or took doses too close together or something.
Mediator looks at W and says, "anything agreed to during that time doesn't stand, we can revisit those issues now and get it in writing but if he says he doesn't remember, he probably doesn't".
Incredible isn't it? That I would want to stay with someone like this. That I would want to save a marriage to someone like this defies logic and rational thought.
Day to day, I'm up and down. It's a ferocious cycle. I just want to be away from her so bad. W is mean. The most common thing I hear from her now is, "God, I can't stand you". That could be in response to me telling her she can't use our money to go out last Friday night because we have to pay bills or to me saying I don't think the house will sell as the market is terrible right now.
Then I lay in bed in the morning and my D6 and D10 come in to hang with me for a few moments. Both of them daily ask me not to break up with mommy. To just go back in my room with her and she will stop being mad at me and everything will be okay. In those moments, or any moment where I can just hang out with my kids knowing that when this goes through moments like this are gone, at least the frequency I experience them at now.., in those moments I think I can do whatever I have to do to make it work so I can be with them.
Reality is, I can't. W is pushing this through at lightening speed and there is nothing I can do to slow it down. Not in Illinois. I don't even have to be there when the dissolution is handed down by the judge. How is that for a kick in the gut? I can be divorced without ever being there? Even if I tried to not sign for the service of papers, they just put down refused and the judge will take that into considertion, but still grant the D.
INSANE.
So there you have it. I'm way up and then I'm way down. A trusted friend observed that this is most likely a result of not being able to get at IT. Now that I know my knee is fixed, my objectives are within sight, as soon as I can get up and moving they will be within reach. He said part of my downs right now is probably just frustration at being homebound for now. I can't go for a run, bike ride, pump iron or take my kids somewhere, any of the things I did before to keep my mind off of this crap.
I'm catching up on a ton of reading. I have probably read N.U.T.s and God Loves an Unmade Bed a dozen times since I've been homebound. Both of those are really helping a lot. I would love for this marriage to be whole and work out. For my kids.
Yet I know that being with her, is simply not a N.U.T. It's not something that I can't compromise. Being a great father is a N.U.T. I don't have to live with her, who she has become, to be a great father.
Um, did I actually compare my 'old' self to your W at one time? I am so sorry you have to put up with kind of treatment. I would never have treated my H in this manner, even when I was my 'old' angry self.
You know, at this point, I think you need to get out of this M. It has become abusive, and that's not good for your kids either. Make sure you don't get suckered into anything you are not willing to give up though.
Thank goodness for the mediator. I'm sorry, but your W is a piece of work.
Hope your leg heals quickly and you are able to implement some great GAL goals, and spend some good, quality time with your kids.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
Sorry for your pain, Tyler. It's like trying to stop a moving locomotive when the S decides it time to call it quits. They become totally focused because they can't stand to look at the pain they are feeling and inflicting on the family. Take care of you and your kids right now, that's all you can do. Remember, your kids are your Godsend, your love for them will get you through this. One day, maybe she'll slow the train down a bit and there will be a chance to hop back on. You never know, but what you do know is that time is not now.
It's been a rough few days. Very pessimistic towards my R. I don't want it any more. I don't want to be with her any more. She is hateful, obstinate and self-centered.
Not only do I not want to do this any longer, I can't.
She kited 2 checks yesterday to pay her way to a music festival with her single friends.
She is abusive, irresponsible and completely out of touch with reality.
I do feel guilt and pain for what this is doing to my children.
I feel guilt because once I was in the inspiration column here.
I feel guilty and foolish because as recently as a few months ago I posted so many positives here, I was so gullible, I thought she was actually trying. The entire time she was carrying on a EA/PA.
I have to walk away. I value my children. I valued my marriage. At this point, I have to value me enough to do as Sven recommended once, put on my own oxygen mask first, so I can take care of my children to the best of my ability.
Being a fantastic father is a N.U.T.
Being married is a condition, that I can compromise without violating a N.U.T.
I don't know if that made sense. I've thought a lot about it. Another way of putting it would be, I value being a great dad more than I value this marriage. I don't need one to make the other possible.
Glad you're up and about - figuratively of course - take care of that knee.
I don't have a lot to add - it seems to me you have a handle on things as best you can. Time and reality will set in with your crazy-arse W - just let it be as you focus on your NUT. Seems you are finding them every day....
Prayers to ya,
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thanks Sven, I appreciate your support, thoughts and prayers. I know how much it sucks to have nothing really to say to someone going through some insane sheeet, except I'm pulling for you. To be honest, I've stood next to moms that have just been told their child is dead and just never knew what to say. Now I know. Something as simple as saying I'm praying for you, I'm pulling for you, means more than I ever thought possible. Weird how that works huh?
*KS*Chick*, it's been an interesting couple of weeks. My brother stopped by and after a few moments W left. My brother said to me that it's like someone pulled a plug and all the kindness drained right out of her. He said what everyone else is saying, "I don't even know who that was". I was told today to rest until my next visit on Aug 20. I kind of had a setback the first Saturday after the surgery, my D6 fell on my extended leg, hyperextending the knee and causing some bleeding from one of the sutures. I felt so bad for her, she was broken hearted, just convinced that she had "broke" my knee again. I did my best to put her at ease about it, they are going through enough already.
My anniversary is in a few days, 8/12. Any suggestions? LOL.
I'll probably get her a nice card. About what I would do for a friend, associate or co-worker, something simple to say happy anniversary.
I would suggest you do nothing for your anniversary. Leave that up to her. Maybe, get a little gift (a witch's broom? Oh, my meanness is showing now, isn't it?) and card, just in case she does bring you something, then you'll have something on hand. But, don't initiate ... it may seem like pursuing.
Sorry about your knee ... your poor D6 must've been very upset. I remember pulling my dad's arm when he was in the hospital (he wanted me to help him up, but I pulled really hard, and really hurt him). This was in 1973, and I still cringe at the thought ... maybe, because he died soon after, and when one is that young, you tend to think the whole planet's problems is your fault. So, I surely do empathize with your D6. Aw!
Anyway, take good care of yourself ... remember to keep some boundaries in place. You do not need to put up with any nonsense from your W. Just be civil, but distant.
Thinking of ya!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
I'm trying to figure out what to get him for his b-day in 3 weeks too.
