Grace Grace, that is fantastic! 60 pounds, wow! You are so awesome.
TiredHeart TiredHeart, I am missmyfriend and it is an honor to meet you. You are extremely impressive. I think you did the right thing trying to get your bearings before you did anything. It would be easy to throw yourself into self destructive behaviors or bad relationships. And you have stuck with it this whole time! You demonstrate a lot of courage and patience as Was2sad is recommending that you maintain.
He is contacting you for a reason and wanting to see you for a reason. What it is will be hard to understand but it is positive no matter how you look at it. It could be for the same selfish reasons he left but it happens to be something about you that he doesnt want to let go of. He may eventually put you first again in his life. Keep us posted. I am excited about the possibilities.
MMF
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
I have been patiently waiting to spend some time with H. It has been two weeks since our last encounter. At that time, we made tentative plans for what will be tomorrow. We were to go to a summer fest featuring some activities that he is very interested in.
Last night, he called to say is is so busy & won't have time for more than a quick lunch. I am very disappointed to say the least. He had the week off from work as well, but was too busy to get together.
I wonder how much time H has spent with ow in the last two weeks. I'm sure he has not been too busy for her. But I know that if I bring it up, it will not go well.
Maybe I should anyway - regardless of the consequences.
How much longer can I hope & pray for this to turn around? I don't think I can do this anymore. I'm breaking.....
I too am really glad that you have started posting. You and I have been at this about the same amount of time--I received the bomb in May 2005, and STBXH moved out August 2005. My D is nearly final, so that is a difference, but we share the same amount of time in the process all the same.
This comment of yours really struck me:
Originally Posted By: TiredHeart
15 years deep, I was oblivious to the fact that I didn't have many friends at all. For the first 8 months, I stayed alone in my house every day & wished away the weekends. Then, I called my cousin that I used to be very close with. She was happy to hear from me & said "come on over". She always has a house full. I don't know what I'd do without her & the rest of her family.
I needed to read what you wrote here, and I suspect it also is the clue to what you can do right now to really successfully navigate this new phase you seem to be in with your H.
First, I really identify with having isolated yourself from all other relationships--I did that too. After 20 years of M, H was my only friend, and he wasn't really that at all, having pulled away from me and started his new crisis phase.
But what really struck me in your comment was the reminder that focusing on these other new ( or rekindled) relationships is exactly the cure I need to keep my focus off of H. And maybe that is what you need to remind yourself of too. There are these other people in your life who clearly want to have R with your RIGHT NOW, and if you can stay focused on them and on improving those Rs, the R with H will take care of itself as it should on it's own timetable.
As often is the case on these boards, I am writing to you what I needed to hear myself. Sorry to ramble, and welcome again. As you have already learned, these boards are fully of wonderful and wise folks going through the same struggles, sometimes with an incredible amount of grace.
You're right. I AM lucky to have my cousin & her family. In fact, I was at her house when H called to break the news about tomorrow to me. I went outside to talk to him - as I don't really share all the messy details with her. WHen I came back in, she could tell I was sad. All I said was that he blew me off for Sunday. Her response was, Great, now you can come over here.
Yes, I am fortunate, but at the same time, there is no substitute for H. I miss him so much and want to work things out. I want him to want to be with me. I know my next move will push him away - possibly for good this time. But I don't think I can stop myself.
Yes, I am fortunate, but at the same time, there is no substitute for H. I miss him so much and want to work things out. I want him to want to be with me. I know my next move will push him away - possibly for good this time. But I don't think I can stop myself.
STOP!!! (ok..they totally need to get a "stop sign" icon!). If you know your next move will push him away, DON'T DO IT. Look how far you've come and how time and patience has been a rewarding thing for you!
Before you do anything, talk it through. Do it here, to a friend (your cousin) or journal.
You can do this. You have made so much progress. Sunday is hurtful. But remember.....1 step forward, 2 steps back. OR in many of our cases......1 step forward, 10 steps back. Par for the course.
It's a pleasure to meet you! Wish it was at a cafe sipping margaritas, but a pleasure nonetheless!
Me-BS 38 X-WS 36 Separated 11/15/2006 Filed for D 8/1/2007 Divorce Final 12/21/2007 S13, S13 (twins), D9 Married 13 Yrs Together 20 Yrs
This can be a dangerous time. MLCers in this phase--slowly returning and possibly Acceptance waiver like they did in the beginning.
In the beginning it confused the newbie LBS. It still confuses, but now the LBS has found peace, strength, inner happiness...and is often thus less willing to put up with to her what seems Bullsh*t.
Your journey is at your pace. But the same is true for him. If you want him back, you need to let him move at his pace. Breaking up is hard to do...the song was truthful. And breaking up with an OW is often even harder...they have crab like claws and use them to cling. Sure it hurts, but he can't seem to get rid of her.
Quote:
I know my next move will push him away - possibly for good this time. But I don't think I can stop myself.
This is true if you make it so. It is more likely to be true of you think, feel and believe it is. ...So change your words. Change your thoughts. Change what you believe. Control your emotions and feelings.
Are you angry or sad? If you DO bring up the OW, what will your tone, features and emotions reveal? Concern with a touch of sadness brought up in a soft manner may open him up more. If you MUST bring it up, try it softly. But first goal is to avoid it.
Thanks everyone. It did seem like progress in May. But here it is two months later, and we have not moved at all.
I know that I cannot talk about R on the phone. He quickly shuts it down & his tone instantly changes. So I was thinking that when we meet for lunch, I would get into his car and tell him something along the lines of this... I understand that you have a lot going on right now. I will be patient while you get to where you need to be. But not if that stuff includes ow. What has changed in your relationship with her that is helping us? If he says nothing, I will ask...are you willing to do something different that will help us?
And go from there.
That's why I think I will push him away. But if he's not willing to do something for us after 2+ years, maybe he never will.
This can be a dangerous time. MLCers in this phase--slowly returning and possibly Acceptance waiver like they did in the beginning.
RCR
RCR, Thanks. What you said above makes a lot of sense. I never put the two together, but you're right...the way he's acting now does remind me of the way he acted the first month after he moved out...like he wanted to be apart from me without letting go, and sending signals that he may be back some day without actually saying it. Confusing, but I think you know what I'm trying to say.
Which brings me to another point that missmyfriend made. He is contacting me for a reason. But I have absolutely no idea what that reason is.
I await our lunch this afternoon and will try to take the caring approach as suggested - because that is what I truly want to do. I don't want to push him away, but I am still afraid that it mught be the result.
I will journal here tonight and look forward to receiving some feedback & greatly appreciated support.
Thank you all for your kindness and willingness to share with me. It means more than I can ever say!!!
Lunch went better than I thought it would. Very minimal R talk. I asked him what he was doing differently with ow. He replied "nothing". A look of hopelessness must have come across my face, because he told me she just received word that her dad is very sick, and now is not the time. I said I was sorry for the dad's poor health, and left it at that. He offered up that he needs more time to figure things out. I nodded in silence, and changed the subject.
I honestly don't believe that another couple months will bring about a great revelation. So tonight, like every night, I said my prayer to St. Jude - the patron saint of hopeless causes. I know there is nothing I can do to bring H back to me.
