I really do read, re-read and meditate on the words you share.
I just entered this in my journal, "how do I get past my hurt and anger to a place of pure love? How to be loving, kind, considerate and compassionate, without being a doormat? I know it's possible, I've done it and I know it works. Yet I really blew it during this fiasco, I beat her up mentally and emotionally. I unleashed anger and hurt when I should have been silent. How to get there from here. I feel like I'm trying to navigate Nashville using a map of Dallas. I'm all f-d up."
Thank you again guys. Just got back from taking my daughter and her friend to Borders. Fun night out for dorks, LOL. Still for a few hours, I forgot how messed up things are right now and my role in making that happen.
You know the big issue in my IC has been control issues. I have to let go, I really do. I feel it creeping, bubbling up with my kids. My S14 and D12 are growing more independant by the minute, I feel the desire to steer them, tell them what to decide, where to go, who to hang out with. Not in a parenting fashion, in a approved by me fashion. If that makes sense.
I have a lot of personal work to do. The challenge is great. Yet I believe.
Ken Wilber calls it Integrated Life Practice. Everyday, you work on everything, ie; mind/body/soul, in ways that are integrated. Centering prayer, lifting weights, running, dancing, laughing with my kids, it's all part of my Life Practice. Taking me closer to the essence of who I really am.
I was happy before I met her. She added to my happiness. Then I lost track, became subservient, a wuss. My happiness could only happen if I knew she was happy..., and later, if I knew my kids were happy.
I love them all completely, yet my happiness is dependant upon me. I am happy now, my core has always been joyful, easy to laugh and quick to have a good time. My kids add to this, I would prefer that she add to this, but if not, I'll be okay. I'll be happy either way.
I was happy before I met her. She added to my happiness. Then I lost track, became subservient, a wuss. My happiness could only happen if I knew she was happy..., and later, if I knew my kids were happy.
Ahhh, a death spiral if your not careful. Selflessness seems like the most admirable, stand up way to go. As if giving up all of ourselves so that others can be happy is the best course of action. Don't get me wrong, I believe in giving as much as I can - but only after I have secured by own happiness, plans, and dreams - and then lead others (my family) to mine and their goals. Sometimes they might not want to come along but staying true and secure in yourself is vital.
I would have said the same thing - that before I met my W I was happy and that in some way when we wed, that she "completed" some part of me. But the danger I see is that we complete some part of us that is weak and needy - and in time, that can spiral downward because you need to keep feeding that neediness and the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets. And regarding the kids, all you have to do is watch a show like "Supernanny" and see these kids that are out of control because their parents have sought every way to keep the kids happy - and we all (that have kids) know how that hunger grows as well.
Point is I guess, leadership isn't about surpressing people and it certainly isn't about being a needy wuss. It is about living a life of example, that other's want to follow. That is confident and attractive - ala GAL. And sometimes it's acceptance that some folks just don't want to be part of the ride - at any particular time, because of their own issues and quirks. But, that is okay - there will be other stops along the way, and opportunities for people to come back on board.
That said, how do you do that and still demonstrate "pure love". Tough one to answer, but I'll say this, drawing from my own sitch. Shortly after we separated, I realised that I just received "my" life back - forced upon me by the separation. Well, reality of it was, it took a couple months for me to realise that it wasn't the life I wanted. So one by one, I started breaking down all the things - and I mean ALL the things I didn't "like" about my life. I carved out needs (mental/emotional needs) and converted them to "wants". I wrote a personal mission statement and started living it. It took about 6 months or so for it to "stick" and for others (wife, children, parents, and friends) to follow. Mostly because 1) they hadn't seen me like this in a long time 2) weren't sure if the "new me" was real and perhaps 3) they almost "feared" the changes - they were such a 180 from the previous me.
And through that, the one favorite nugget of advice given came from JustMe on this board... He essentially said "...I think your sitch needs the tincture of time" I'll never forget that because it was at that moment that I really came to realise that I will be okay. Time heals.
Anyway, this is perhaps a rambling rant, but I'm writing it for me as well. Two years ago yesterday was the bomb. And this year I am updating my personal mission statment, writing NUT's, and living my life better than the 40 or so before it. 'Cause it's mine.
Hang in there tyler.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
However, I don't think family finances should fund her little expeditions to visit OW. How you get that right, not sure.
Take care, Tyler.
Still working through that one BeingMe. Still working. I know this sounds weak, but I have so much anger there, it's a real hot spot. I just want to be vindictive.
W mentioned taking my D's, as they are good friends with the OW's kids, and OW's brother's children. As well, OW's mother spoils them rotten. (I know, Springer episode here). Basically their family has been friends with our family, ILs and immediate, for over 20 years.
A tough spot for sure.
I'm praying for guidance and deciding if this is a N.U.T.S. area or not.
Sven had a great post tyler. And, belatedly, I agree that showing them the articles,the books, etc...does nothing. LIke an alcoholic down on his luck, our W's have to WANT to look inward and WANT get back the same things that we want to be able to heal.
Someone posted on my thread a similar theme, about having a need or dependency on my W, which, I think is true to some degree but not all encompassing. I'm not sure all our changes will bring back our W's, but, it certainly gives us better tools with which to reconstruct our new selves. 4kids talked about guilt and resentment....and leaving it behind. History is recorded so that future generations can learn from it. Similarly, we must learn from our mistakes...where we went wrong in our M's....make changes in our course and learn from it. And, we must understand that we were NOT the same person we were years ago when we got married. We grew. We made mistakes. We learn. As a N.U.T., real men don't pour on the guilt and resentment...we become a rock.
I support you and pray that we all get to where we want to be.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
You are in my thoughts so much and I do still pray for you. It warms my heart to see so many of the BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE here posting to you and helping you. The advice they are giving you is stellar. I am so proud of you and the hard work you are doing to become a better a Human Being. What a wonderful thing you are doing by taking charge of your life. God bless.... ~Ali
Okay, quick update. Not sure what to do, if anything.
W filed for a hasty dissolution on Friday, I found out yesterday. This means in 60 days I can/will be divorced and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.
I'm at a loss. She told me she hates me, there is nothing about me as a man that she admires, she doesn't want to be with me and will never be with me. She told the kids yesterday morning that "daddy and I need to be apart, daddy was mean to mommy". W came home from the gym, said we need to talk, dropped all that venom on me and then said, "let's talk to the kids". I told her I needed a minute and she said she didn't, that she would talk to them with me or without me. Nice.
That broke something in me. My 6 year old daughter climbed up on my lap, grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes and asked, "why do you and mommy have to breakup, why can't you be nice to mommy?"
There was so much I wanted to say but how do you say anything to a 6 year old girl.
The kids were/are all busted up now. After the kids left W told me all that her attorney told her she can expect to get from this, how I'm going to pay out an incredible amount of money each month and on and on.
I did talk to an attorney late yesterday. I didn't know what to do. The attorney said it will be rough, there is nothing I can do to stall or stop it, but it isn't going to be as bad financially as I was told. Basically, W's attorney is telling her these things to try to ease her mind about future concerns so she will go through with it, and the attorney gets paid on the back end from the divorce settlement. Slimey, in my opinion.
I really am at a loss. I have no alternative at this point.
Since the 4th of July trip and all the drama surrounding it, W seems to have flipped totally, a complete 180 on her part compared to where we were before the trip.
It's so confusing. We were at SIL's house for a birthday party. After a few hours SIL comes over to me and whispers in my ear, "who is she?". I told SIL that W has a lot on her mind. SIL responded with, "W seems to have lost her mind, she is different from even a few weeks ago". I didn't respond to that, I didn't know how but it worked out as one of the kids ran up and interrupted us.
Confusing times for everyone involved right now. Sorry for the downer.
On the upside, my surgery is in 2 days! Finally getting my wheel fixed so I can get back up and running. I can't wait.
You know, the first thing that comes to mind it to protect your interests - seems you are working that with your atty.
Second and more importantly, to me, my W would be breaking a BIG NUT by telling the kids you have to split because you were mean to mommy. Divorce is hard enough on the kids without pushing them to take sides and her BS comment like that is what that will do. I'd call her on it. In my mind, you should work to agree that the D process is hers and yours and that shielding the kids from the crap of all of it is job number one. That you agree that you cannot be together any more, but when discussing with the kids, that it is a mutual decision, that you have both worked hard and making it work but you and mommy cannot be together any more. Period.
I was lucky in that my W and I agreed this early on - there was not name calling or blame placed on the other - it was a mutual thing and we had to work through it - but that we love our children more than anything else in the world.
'nuff said.
And congrats on the surgery! Always a nugget of good in all that is bad. Hang in there....
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Going in to this, we had previously discussed and agreed, we will just tell them together that we aren't doing well together and need to be apart. We will be there for them, and so on.
When she departed from the script I had no idea it was coming.
Talking to the attorney cleared up a few things. The attorney just called my desk.
1) She can take the trip to see OW if she so desires. Not on my dime. And not with our children. Neither one of us will ever again be able to take the kids across state lines without the others permission. Attorney stated I am not to fund her trip. That money is to go to pay bills, which W created in large part, and school supplies etc.
2) No more paying for her nights out. Get a job. Again, my money, technically our money, needs to go to debt reduction. Going out 2-3 times a week is all well and good when you are ahead, a sizable amount is deposited into the kids college fund and there is a fund available for play money. That is not the case. So if she wants to go out, feel free, but not on my dime. The attorney said to look at it as someone taking money from my children, essentially that is what it is.
3) Reality bites, hard. I'm going to be paying a lot out, 4 kids equals 40% child support. I'm okay with that, I want to take care of them. The issue the attorney raised was, in the past W has got us into some serious financial spots, how well is she going to manage this money? Attorney will explore some options for managing the money jointly, within reason of course. I will also pay an additional 10% or so in maintenance/alimony. Although in Illinois, this can only go for 4 years, tops. Most judges intend for this to end sooner than that. The law is also written in such a way to minimize alimony as often as possible. We'll see. I don't want her life to be wrecked as my children will be living with her. Yet I will need money to fund my life, and most importantly a place for the kids to come stay with me during visitation.
4) All outstanding bills will be split 50/50. Sucks for me, I didn't make one purchase on any of the maxed out credit cards, and nothing was purchased for me on those cards. Either way, it is what it is and that is the most likely outcome. Sucks to be her, she has no job, no prospects and is about to be handed a boatload of bills.
(Speaking of jobs and no prospects. Yesterday after her little speech, she went to the pool with D10 & D6. All well and good but did she take a copy of the classifieds? Nope. I guess in this job market people just drive by and throw jobs at you while you work on your tan.)
5) In talking to the attorney, I realized more than ever I'm going to be okay, no matter how this turns out. Whether she was flattering me because I just handed her $500.00 deposit, just being nice or was genuine, she told me that in a few months when my head is clear from this mess she would love to set me up with 3 or 4 of her friends. She told me that I'm an attractive guy, she has a hard time believing that I will be 40 in a few months, have a lot going for me and so many women are just frustrated with the lack of really good men out there. She said I will get snapped up in a heartbeat.
The nurse that was pre-registering me for my surgery said the same thing. She asked if my wife was going to be there, if she wanted to watch or they have a pager they can give her so she can return when I am moved to recovery. I told her my wife won't be there, she is planning on being out of town. The nurse stopped typing, and just stared at me. She asked if my wife understood that I will not be able to get around for a few days. I said yes. Nurse than said, "she better watch herself, there are a lot of women that would be willing to take care of a guy like you." I just laughed and said I think she is hoping one of them will show up soon. Nurse said, "oh trouble on the home front?". I told her yes, W had filed and things were only stoppable by her at this point, I don't see stoppage happening. Nurse started laughing and said, "well she is crazy, I'm going to let the girls in there know and I'm sure we are going to have to draw straws on who gets to shave you." Shave me? She started laughing again and said, "your leg silly, just your leg".
Speaking of surgery. Attorney also said the settlement for my leg, which will be sizable according to Attorney, will not be split 50/50. W will most likely get 25% or so, and given that she is going to be gone and do nothing to assist my recovery, we could probably fight for less. I asked Attorney if I can have the settlement put into some sort of trust for the kids, ie; college, weddings, etc., and she said we can definitely explore those options. She also said with my W's financial history, the judge might be very open to that option. I don't need the money as much as I need to know my kids will be taken care of when the time comes. That is my preference, we'll see what W has to say at the hearing.
You know with all the positives to balance the negatives, as much as I try to maintain PMA through Emmitt Fox's mental diet approach...., it still sucks to think of my 6 year old yesterday jumping into my arms as I come through the door, giving me a big kiss and welcome home daddy... immediately followed by, "are you and mommy still breaking up? please say no daddy, you can do it, say no."
