Hi, I have always posted on the MLC thread but my H has decided he wants to come back home. We separated in 12/06 and he was involved with OW...living between her house and his mother's when he had the kids.
I am hesitant and optimistic all at the same time. I do not trust him right now and I am not sure how that gets rebuilt. He has gotten himself into debt and he has lied about so much over the past five months.
I agreed to counseling...that is it so far. I told him he can't move home until I think this will really work...My D5 and D1 have really been put through the ringer and things were just starting to settle down.
any advice out there is very helpful to me right now. Thanks
Hi Cinders... Don't miss me yet! I am scared to death. Trust is a big issue and I think I am in shock...this came out of the blue!! He announced he wanted to talk to me about "us" and I thought he meant the D since we were in court last week.
hey there! I've seen you around, very glad you are here.
About trust, don't expect trust to come back in 5min, right before he moves back or something. Regining trust takes months, many many months to come back. How? just him commiting to be a family and your H again, by communicating better. For the longest time I still snooped a little, wouldn't trust him much. Only with time and his commitment (him being home, going to C with me,) did trust come back.
I am happy to say I trust my H again. It is a scary thing to do, to put your heart out on the line again. And believe it or not, your H is feeling the same way about you.
For example, it took a good deal of almost a yr for my SL to go back to normal, why? because my H thought I'd use sex as a tool again (punishing him by rejecting/witholding) and wasn't very affectionate or was into it much. He saw it as a way of control, and that if he were to "trust"me again and put his hopes up all the time he might loose control of himself and be hurt again.
Remember that it goes both ways, you both have to learn to know each other all over again, and build trust brick by brick with time.
I agreed to counseling...that is it so far. I told him he can't move home until I think this will really work ===================== What's going to convince you that it's going to work? you can't ask that kind of assurance from him, I'm surprised that your statement didnt' change his mind right there on the spot. The biggest fear that keeps WAH away is that it isn't going to work. My H moved back with the HOPE that we would be able to work it out, but with the fear that we both migh slide back to old habits, with the thoughts that I might extract revenge for what he had done for me.
IF this is really what you think you are not giving him nor your M a real fighting chance. He either wants to work it out or he doesn't. I would never expect anyone else to go by my way of thinking, but when my H came back (also with a big debt, and months of lies after lies to EVERYone) I knew he didnt' have much to offer me, but I took him back anyways, because I loved him and vowed to do my all and darnest to be have a good M with him.
My H's depression had left him empty and sad, and he was just holding on to this last thread of hope (rebuilding our M), since (in his own words) "you seemed to still want me back after all I did" he decided we should try to work it out. You have no idea how many times (before he came back) he'd ask me "but why do you want me back? I wouldn't want me back!" "too much has happen, how can I go back now?" "it's going to be so hard to build our M again, I dont' think I can do it" I always told him that my vows where to be with him thought good times and bad times. That all the loved he poured onto me during the years we were married had made him love him and enabled me to want to give love back regardless of what had happened.
That's what you have now momof2, the hope it will work, nothing is for sure in this life. And for months--after he is back w/you---just like me and countless other, you will have your doubts, your second guesses, wondering if you did the right thing, waiting for "the other shoe to drop". That's the nature of piecing, you start from scratch. It's hard work, takes its time, but it is worth it, dont' loose sight of the price.
A book that has helped me tremendously is "Healing the hurt in your marrige" give it a try. I pray for you both, that you slay your fear and fight for your M with tooth and nail.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
This post was a great inspiration. I had some new changes in my sitch last night. My h told me that he wants to come back but not sure if it can work out between us. He said that we grew so far apart that he is not sure it can come back. Based on what I have read in many books. I know that it can come back.
He does not want to come back and have it end up the same way as it was. I told him that I did not either.
He is going to see a C today by himself and then we are going on Tuesday together.
I think H and the OW broke it off last night. I really listened to him and tried to validate his feelings without telling him where I felt neglected. I feel that there will be another time for that.
I told him that if he needs a place to stay he could always stay at the house. I told him that he was paying for it and it was still his. I did not push him, I just made the offer. His comment back was that he would find a place to stay tonight. My guess is that he left the OW parents house and stayed at a hotel.
I am so unsure of where to go from here. Other than not to push him and be there for him.
Any other advise?
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
mimi, you are in the rigth track. It is very scary for your H right now, it will be for a couple of months. So easy does it, just lay the offer by him and let him decide just like you are doing. My H went from saying "we'll date and see if we can connect" to asking to move back a week later.
If possible suggest you both go to a MC. Read "the proper care and feeding of Hs" to stop the vicious circle that might've contributed to the strain in your M. Many times, too often, we relegate our H's to the end of the line when we become mothers.
And know that if your H moves back, for a long while he will be mourning and might act aloof and unreachable, it hurts, but we can only wait and know that it must happen, that they need to let go of that old R, and that they can't just be loving and all smiles the minute they are back. Us LBS want the WAS to pick up where we left off *during the good times* meaning, when there were no problems in the M and we expect them to be loving and expect ILY like nothing had happened.
My H would tell me he felt odd at the beginning, having been in a R so recently and then being w/me, specially about sex. So, it takes lots of time, it's a new R, you both have changed a lot and you both need to learn to know each other again.
I pray your M heals, stay strong)))))))))
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, I agree with what you said. I want this to work and I will only begin to retrust when I see his committment to me and the family. He did tell me last night that he wants to be a good full time Dad (during the S he ignored the kids) but then he said first and foremost he wanted to be a GREAT full time husband. I told him I was very happy to hear that and I was looking forward to it.
I need to take baby steps. I don't feel comfortable with him coming home. I am not sure when the affair ended. I am not asking a lot of questions because I don't want to bombard him...that is where I have definitely changed...before all this I would ask the same question 1000x until I got the answer I wanted.
MIMI!!!! Great news!!!! Take it slow...one small piece of advice...reread DB about OW and A...make sure it is 100% over!!! I am really happy for you.... Are you nervous? I am...I just want to believe he will never do this again!
I know that I need to let him go through this. It is very scary. He is going to the C now. From the sounds of it he wants to try but does not know how.
We have a meeting set up next tuesday with the C. He had already agreed to go to family therapy several weeks ago. He is seeing the same C now. I also suggested last night that we could talk to the C about our relationship when we go. He said yeah maybe. When he mentioned things he was concerned about not being able to get back with me I only replied maybe the C can help with that.
Is the Proper care and feeding of Hs a book or a thread? I am also in the middle of reading His Needs Her Needs. I know I did push him to the end of the line. And I think that is part of our problem. I am showing him now that I am changing that. Even our conversations are different because of this realization I made about me.
How long did it take for your h to feel comfortable again?
I am sorry about all of the questions. Things just kind of went crazy this week with all of the new outcomes in this. I was not expecting it.
Mimi
Bomb 3/31/2007 Moved out 04/22/2007 Moved back in 06/11/2007 Wants to stay and try 09/04/2007
