Anyway, it is still painful at times when I remember some of the silly things we used to do. How do I reconcile the goofy fun guy with the hateful lying, angry man that left?
Part of the process I guess.
I know how you feel. I am still trying to reconcile my STBX with the man I married. Part of me still wants the man I married back. I want to cuddle up against him and watch a movie. But that man left a long time ago.
So how long does this process last?????
"You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." Jon Kabat-Zinn
I don't know BND. I do know that I have spoken to people who say it fades. Eventually we reach a stage of acceptance and feel almost pity for the ex. I find it so uplifting to meet people who are celebrating 25 yrs or more in their 2nd marriage. One very candid friend said that he does still wonder about his ex and why what happened, happened. He said it isn't with the urgency that he had when it first ended. He is happily married now and says maybe part of the reason this marriage works is because the failure of the first one. He says it fades but it will always be there as a sort of scar. Another friend said it becomes sort of a dream after while and you wonder if you really lived it....
We will get through this and we will be stronger better people for it. Our exes will go on wreaking havoc until they either get it or someone stops them. Unfortunately we are nothing more than the tree that was ripped up as the tornado went through. Left with no answers as to why, just the wreckage. But like the tree, we can reestablish roots and start over.
So, I was invited to hang out with the band my ex used to tour with. They were in town for a few days. I went to the 1st show and we all went out afterwards. The singer's wife was in town since it was their anniversary. I hadn't seen her since before my D. She sat down with me and interrogated me on what went down. After we talked it made sense to me as to why everyone was so surprised to see me at the show a year ago.
Turns out, when ex quit the band, he told them that I was threatening to D him if he didn't stop touring. That working with them was ruining his marriage and I was angry and upset. He needed to quit to try to mend things with me. Right......
I told her how he had been cheating for 4 months at that point and he had given me fake itineraries so he could vacation with the OW. She was full of questions. She asked if the "family" vacation that we took happened then? I asked what she was talking about. Turns out my ex was double dipping. He was accepting a retainer from the band while they were on break from touring and then taking other work at the same time. To cover himself from getting called in at the last minute (sort of the point of being given a retainer) he told them he was vacationing with my family, something we'd planned for a year. WTF??? My family hasn't taken a vacation as a unit since I was 10!
It was an enlightening convo for everyone involved. Very funny when she leaned over and said, "no offense, but your ex never really had much of a personality... we'd all rather have you on the bus." Oh yeah, and here is the funny thing. The guy they hired to take ex's place? Looks just like him. Seriously. He is nicer, funnier, more easy going but looks and moves like ex. I had a pic taken with him and sent it to my sis. She freaked out thinking ex showed up. HAHAHA
Needless to say the ex did try to contact a member of the crew to get into the show. He was told that I was there so he stayed away, then he met a crew member for breakfast....he wanted the singer and guitar player to come along but the crew member said no to asking them. Ex then asked to come to the show the 2nd night. The tour manager said no. Ex never asked the tour manager personally ( his former best friend) but was roundabout with it. That made the tour manager angry and he said even if I wasn't there that ex would not be welcome. Turns out the singer is so angry at being lied to and used by my ex that no one wanted to rock the boat and have him there.
The crew guys told me that they don't feel they can ever trust my ex again. They can be polite to him and work with him if they have to but they all feel that he is manipulative and untrustworthy. They won't even recommend him for other jobs.
It's weird. I don't want these to guys to have choose sides and I have told them that. I told them that I would understand if the time comes when I can't come out to the shows because of my ex. I understand networking and such. They have all said they like hanging out with me ( I do bring cookies for the tour bus) and feel I did get a raw deal and that the lies my ex spread about me have been proven very false. I just know that being there and hanging with them while my ex wanted to be there put me on his Sh*t list in a big way.
I am fairly certain that my ex has been cursing me non stop for the last 3 days. The weird thing is, while I can sense it, I feel like it is not penetrating me...just sliding right off like I have a shield up.
So, besides that, everything is done. Ex signed the quit claim deed, I refi'd, took my name off his account, and paid my L the final balance today. Yay me.
It is over.I never need to see, speak to, or hear from him again.
I am moving forward. Dating my Math prof and keeping my boytoy on the side....( can you say cougar? :-p)
Who knew I would ever be here? Life is so strange.
Just buried my 2nd dog in 2 months. Last time it was my dad's dog only 6 yrs old, this time, it was my mom's dog. He was old and sick but it is still hard. I pray that there isn't a 3rd this year. My dog has been one of the only reasons I have kept my head up at times and to lose her anytime soon would kill me. I know she is getting old but she needs to hang around a little longer.
It seems that I have had to end so many chapters the past 2 years. Maybe I am blind but I can only see the doors closing to old things and I am having a hard time seeing new ones open. I keep seeing the "last times" like senior year when you realize it's your last formal, or game, or concert....
I know new things are happening but it seems the old things are ending faster than I am ready for. I need some time to adjust and I don't get it. How can it be that my entire life is changing over? Can't something remain?
Your entire life may FEEL like it's changing because so many changes are happening at once. That feeling will fade when you get to a more settled in place. And that happens by moving forward. Remember that you are still the genuine person that you have always been and that hasn't changed. I'm sure that is why the band invited you to the show.
It is validating when you get to talk to people from "the past". I ran into a couple last week at a local pizza place. They gave me their two cents worth on how they disapproved of what had happened. The guy was particularly chatty and he was a friend of my ex-husband's. They were happy that I was doing so well and even met my boyfriend. I found it interesting that the guy was so upset at what had happened in my marriage, yet I know that ten years ago he cheated on his wife and they separated. They eventually worked it out and reconciled. It's as if he wanted to "fix" our sitch. Maybe it's something like a person who has quit cigs and then tries to get everyone else to stop smoking.
I'm glad you are dating. I'm glad all the "details" have been wrapped up on your D. You're moving forward and that is a good thing. And it's good you realize that there can be successful second marriages....just don't rush into anything. And yes, the scars will always remain. That's life.
Have a great turkey day.
Spitfire
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
