Thanks Spitty. I was having a bad couple of days. I still am a little lost feeling and way overwhelmed by these final steps. My L wants the rest of his money and I need to finish my taxes and I need to get to this house refi'd and suddenly money is tighter than ever.
Married guy came over Wed to talk. His wife had been sick and he was home with the kids for 2 days. We talked about how he was going to approach her and what boundaries to set and so on. We were sitting outside and both looked up in time to see a shooting star over my house. I was hoping it was a good sign but I think it was meant for him. He went home and that was that.
Thurs was a hard day for me. I just felt sad and overwhelmed. Married guy sent me a text and telling me he wasn't stopping the D. He called and said he tried to talk to her and she was cold and unbending. Everything was his fault and she didn't need counseling, he did....etc.
He called that night and asked if he could come over, said he missed me and honestly, I missed him and the presence of someone in the house.. it seemed very empty lately. He came over and told me there was house he could rent and he was going to move out of his house until the D was final. He said he was committed to the D that there was no getting through to her. He listed all the negatives of their marriage and had really talked himself into it. I went over a list of pros and cons for both Marriage and Divorce. I couldn't seem to get across the magnitude of the pain he would experience from the D. He just kept brushing it off saying it would just be nice when it was over.
Part of me was relieved in a very selfish way that he was continuing with the D. I was going to get to keep my friend/distraction. I am embarrassed to admit that. He crashed at my house that night confident that he was making the right decision....even making plans with me for the weekend and the next few weeks.
The next day I got a text from him saying "Life is weird". I called him and he told me he called his wife that morning to tell her he was moving out and she broke. She told him she didn't want him to move out. She didn't want a D. She only filed because she didn't know how else to get through to him what she wanted. She agreed to counseling and working on things.
He said it was the first time she had actually spoken to him warmly in 5 months. It was the first real convo they had in forever. He was giddy as he was telling me this. I asked if he was still moving out and he said no. I asked if he was going to set boundaries and he said, "yeah whatever". I warned him that he had alot of work ahead of him so that they didn't fall into the same patterns and maybe moving out and dating would help that. He said whatever.
I told him that he couldn't call or see me anymore and he said he would need to come get the stuff he left here. He said he told his wife he still might see me at a mutual friend's house and I said no. I plan to not be there if he is. His wife deserves to not feel threatened of they are going to work on this.
Part if me is so insanely jealous that he gets this opportunity and I never did. I am frustrated because I think he is going to blow it and yet I am envious because he didn't read any relationship books and only occasionally listened to things I said about DB and he is getting this opportunity. I read like crazy and was counseled and fell flat on my face and never saw my H again. He did what he felt like and she begged for him back.
I know it is 2 different scenarios but I feel like I did it all wrong and I am so angry and I want a second chance. I know she wasn't having an affair and I know her reasons for filing were different but it is another case of life not being fair. I am tired of that lesson.
And I miss my friend and I am so angry at myself for letting myself start to care for him. I was doing so well keeping my distance and the friendship never developed into sex, not for lack of trying on his part. I have an empty spot and I hate the fact that while I should be happy for him, I feel let down. The whole reason I was introduced to him was to help him try to save his marriage and I guess I did that, so why am I sad? Am I that shallow?
I'm going to post something a friend left for me during one of my meltdowns. "You are having a normal reaction to an abnormal situation."
Our culture right now doesn't make it easy to take the high road, which I think you are doing. You are struggling with a lot on your plate and I think it is pretty normal to want a friend to share it with. I also think it is normal to feel a little jealous when one person appears to slide right in to the type of opportunity you worked hard for but were not given.
I'm totally with you on the taxes. I'd put that right out of my mind. Gotta call the CPA. The reason I filed for an extension was having too many items I couldn't figure out where to put on the 1040.
I saw him tonight when I went my friend's to help her with a project. He wasn't there when I got there, he arrived later. I avoided him at first and then figured it didn't need to be awkward so I spoke to him and the friend's husband.
Before he got there, the friend's H was telling me that the sitch was a mess. Nothing was changing and in fact married guy was doing all the same things except now having to answer the phone and explain where he was as well as assure her every time the phone rang that it wasn't me when he was home. The sad part was, his wife has been monitoring his cell phone since she filed and knows that we at most have talked 2 times a day for no more than 5 mins but usually once a day. Since they decided to reconcile there have been no phone calls, emails, or texts.
Why married guy was not at home circling the wagons and figuring things out with his wife, I don;t know. I guess World of Warcraft mattered more and seeing his buddies band practice. Nothing has changed.
After I had been there for a while and was done working with my friend, married guy went out for a smoke. I stuck my head out the door and asked if he was ok. He said things were great and he thought they would get to the place where they could both be happy. I wished him well and said I admired him for the difficult but rewarding path he was on.
After he left, my friend's husband sat me down and said things were horrible and married guy was lying to me. I said I understand that and I also understand that it was hard for him to see me because I truly feel he was more attached to me than I was him. Had I known he was going to be there, I might have insisted that my friend bring her laptop to my place.
My friend's H said no, married guy needs to deal since I have been friends with them for years. I know I need to let him go and do his thing but it is so hard to see him fail at something I was never even given the chance to do. I hate that it matters to me so much, I hate that it bothers me. I know that I need to step away for awhile. I am a fixer and it goes against everything I know to leave it alone.
It's not fair to him for me to be around. I plan on avoiding that situation in the future. It hurts too much. I hate that I can't keep my friend even if this was the rule I set up for myself when we first started talking. Me and my rules. It's his life and I cannot live it for him.
Ok, that said, Ex has emailed me again. All chatty about things like the property that never made it to me in the exchange. Then he wanted to know why my name was still on his account and when I would remove it. I replied " when the refi is complete" he responded with "why is that?" and I am ignoring the button pushing *ss. We have been round and round on this with him not understanding that the mortgage is on his account and if I take my name off, I cannot access that account even if I am paying into it. It doesn't take a genius to see this.....
I also need to keep some leverage because I suspect he did not sign the title transfer papers before he left the country and I am not refing this house with his name on the title.
I am tempted to block him from my email so I don't have to see him in the inbox ever again. Has that worked for anyone? I just want the lying, cheating, slimy, self righteous, selfish bastard to be gone from my world.
And I am sick of the nightmares where he breaks into my house and steals stuff and when I try to punch him it just bounces off.
Having a rough moment. I can't predict them anymore and it scares me. I think I can look at this clinically and then suddenly I am in tears.
The judgment went through on the 9th. It's over and I feel some relief but at the same time I am here sobbing.
I ran into a cousin of X's last week. Her son died last summer and my attending the funeral set my X off and made him file. She was happy to see me and had all sorts of info that made my jaw drop. My in laws are telling people that I didn't understand X's lifestyle and career. I expected that though she said most people are interpreting that to mean I didn't understand his lifestyle with his GF. That made me smile.
She has known my in laws for years and worked for them when X was a child. What she told me floored me. Why no one mentioned this to me before I don't know.
X's father used to cheat on his mother regularly. Everyone accepted that he was a philanderer. Uh hello..would have been nice to know that one..... Up until 13 yrs ago (about the time X met me) X's mom would always have mysterious bruises caused by her "tripping over the cat and hitting the cupboard". The family knew what it was but never said or did anything. Oh yeah, then there's this gem. X's dad got fired from a school for groping a girl, so they moved to another state for a few years and came back when it died down.(that was pre X's birth)
X was raised by his grandmother because his parents owned their own business when he was born. They taught him that $ came first and family 2nd. One day when he was quite young, X missed his mom so he rode his bike along a busy rd ( aprox 1 mile) to his parents business. When he got there he was so happy to see his mom and tell her he missed her. His dad promptly spanked him until he screamed, threw his bike in the car and told him to never do that again. When the cousin who told me this talked to X's mom about it, she suggested mom take some time and spend it with her son who obviously needed some attention from her. Mom said no, the business was too important to take time off.
I am starting to pity this man I married who never said a word of any of this to me. There are more stories and I am horrified by them. This cousin told me I am better off getting away from this part of the family. They are unable to sustain healthy relationships and are virtually souless.
Last night I was at a venue where X's old employees were working. I should have left but it was like a bad accident and I couldn't stop myself. The stories of his behavior and unprofessionalism were surprising. All of them said the same thing, " When we met you we wondered why you were with him?" I was told I could so much better and that I am better off now.
One final story to cap the evening. One of the guys was telling a friend and his Gf about my X and the D. They know my X and so when the guy mentioned the fact that X cheated on me, they were surprised. Both the friend and his wife work around the industry though not for the same people my X works for. When the guy mentioned that the OW worked for a certain company, the Gf looked at him and said, " I bet I know who it is!" She immediately said the OW's name. The guy asked how she knew and she said, "Everyone knows she has worked her way through every guy at -- and he must have been fresh meat to not know her reputation" Lovely. X is a soulmate to the company whore. Why doesn't this make me feel better?
Just wrote this to a guy I went to dinner with. I realized that I am not ready to date only be a pal. I guess hanging out with married guy was so low key that I thought I might be ready to date but the truth is, I am not. I can only handle friendship, no obligation and no expectations. I guess that's why married guy and I got along. We both wanted the same thing: company and a friend but nothing more. Anyway, this is what I wrote. I hope it gets the point across.....
T,
Thank you for the dinner and conversation. I also want to thank you for your candor. I enjoyed talking to you ( more to than with, as is my nature). As you may have noted, I am a fairly affable person. I try to be as upbeat as I can because that's how I have always been however, this divorce has thrown me for a loop. He broke my heart.
When I read that you feel I was treated badly in my marriage I am taken aback. I don't mean for it to sound that way. I am learning slowly that the man I married, the man I fell in love with, never really existed. He maintained a front for me. He became what he thought I wanted. In the end, he resented that. I never asked him to be anything more than what he was but I guess to him it seemed I held too high a standard.
I am in a place I never thought I would be. I am mourning the life I thought I had, the future I had planned. I have a friend who lost a baby during delivery and we are experiencing similar feelings. We feel cheated out of something we planned on. We feel a tremendous loss and what we thought we had and at the fact that we didn't get to say goodbye, it was just ripped away from us.
I have good days and bad days. I am always surprised by the bad days. I have learned that I will move through stages and none of them are easy. Every time I cry, the tears are different, signaling a new feeling or stage. The truth of the matter is, I loved my ex with every ounce of my being. I tried to be the best wife and friend I knew how to be. I failed, I made mistakes, and I am wiser now. With that wisdom comes a guardedness and the realization that I have been broken.
He has hurt me more than I think he'll ever know or realize. Part of the hurt is the knowledge that it never really mattered to him how much he did hurt me. For 13 years I lived my life for my ex. I have always been independent and self sufficient but I focused myself on him and his needs. I have a void right now where my best friend used to be, where the focus has to change. I am not the carefree person I used to be and I mourn that too.
I'm not sure where I am going with this except to let you know that I am not the stable, grounded person I used to be or may appear to be. While I am further along then I was a year ago, there is considerable healing that I need to do. I appreciate your offer of friendship. I believe you are genuine in your words. I think in reading this you can understand that friendship is all I can handle. I don't have anything more to give. I never used to believe it when people would say divorce is as traumatic as death. I think in some ways it is more so. If your spouse dies, you have closure and can move on. If they divorce you, they are alive and rejecting you every day.
Sorry to write a novel. I am as wordy on paper as I am live. As I reread this I wonder what you must think. I can see that a signed piece of paper from a judge doesn't end it. The feelings don't just turn off. It must seem that I have a lot of baggage. I am working through it. Someday I hope to have my heart back, all in one piece. I am sad that I will have lost innocence to do it.. There is a great musical called "The Fantasticks" and it is my favorite. There is a line in it from a character who has broken up an idyllic life for a couple and then brought them back together...he says:
"There is a curious paradox that no one can explain. Who understands the secret of the reaping of the grain? Who understands how Spring is born of Winter's laboring pain? Or why we all must die a little before we grow again? I do not know the answer, I merely know it's true. I hurt you for that reason, and myself, a little bit too."
Still around just busy. Still hosting various lost souls on my couch. The current one is a friend and nothing more. Likes my couch when he's drunk. Married guy is still with wife fighting like crazy. Not my problem but frustrating none the less. So fixable. Lots of dates. A beekeeper to add to the landscaper. Audio engineer this weekend ( stay away I know but it is the life I know), couple of college profs emailing me.... Still trying to get the refi done. Day by day. It is wearing.
Having a bad night. My own fault.. there is a piece of music I like and I pulled out while I was practicing. I have a very vivid memory associated with this piece and I played it anyway. When I was first learning it, I was living in the old house. H came home from a gig and we had a dinner out. Afterward, we cuddled on the couch for a bit and then I went in to practice. I was working on this piece for an event and H had never heard it before. When I was done practicing, I went out in to the living room and H was asleep on the couch. I woke him up and told him I was going to bed. He looked around confused and asked if he'd fallen asleep. I said yes. He asked how long I had practiced and I told him. Then he said, " Are you learning a new piece?" I said yes and he said," I 'd never heard it before and it was so nice listening to it and I guess it just put me to sleep."
You have to understand that H had never said anything like that before... never really cared one way or another about what I played. I don't even remember him saying how he felt about me practicing. It was just something I did. So, from that point on whenever I played that piece I felt closer to H because it had struck a chord with him somehow.
I really like the piece but sometimes it is hard on me. I try to play it alot to desensitize myself but tonight it just sucked. In some ways I cherish that memory of the guy I loved and in other ways I wish it had never happened or that I could forget it.
My head knows I am better off but my heart still feels broken.
I guess one bad night after a bunch of good ones isn't so bad. God, I have a lot of baggage though. Maybe I should buy a few luggage tags to wear around to warn people just how much I am carrying
I just took a minute to catch up on your thread. Some of the things you write are so close to how I feel. I especially liked your letter to your date. I also find it interesting that your XH was neglected as a child due to his parents' business. The same thing happened in my XH's case. I truly believe that it is the main reason for the sickness that runs through the whole family. I can imagine that it really messes up a kid when they figure out that a company and its money is more important than they are. How sad. It has allowed me to move into the "pity" stage. Most days, I feel very sorry for my XH and his entire dysfunctional family. And, I feel badly for my children.
Well, gotta run. Hang in there, Honey. You are moving ahead. It will get easier.
Hugs,
Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
Thanks for stopping by. Am now up on a dating site and having fun with that. I have been seeing a prof at a Big 10 University. He's my age, Phd in Mathematics, and British. Really there is no one further from my ex than that. Not sure if that's the appeal. Nice to hang with someone intellectual. That was not my ex's strong suit. He wasn't stupid, just not of high intellect. I suspect it will bug my ex if he finds out. He seemed to put a lot of importance in the fact that I had a Master's and he had an Assoc. He started our marriage bragging about me and ended it by ridiculing me and telling me that I wasn't that smart. I never understood his insecurity. I didn't care if he had any degrees.
Anyway, it is still painful at times when I remember some of the silly things we used to do. How do I reconcile the goofy fun guy with the hateful lying, angry man that left?
