Hi, checked H's acct today and a check cleared for 3k...I am pretty positive that is is for a L...I am sick that he has most likely filed...he told me a couple of weeks ago that he was going to!! we have not even had a conversation about or R/M face to face...he has either mentioned things in passing or on the phone. Do I talk to him?? I feel so sick right now I don't know what to do!! Just when I think I am better I get slammed with another blow. After he files does anyone know how long it takes to get served papers?? I am going to have total anxiety until it happens...what if I lose it?? What if my kids see me lose it?? I feel completely out of control today.....HELP
Breathe. I don't now how long it takes to get served. I know the blows keep coming. What would be the worse thing that would happen if you lost it? You're stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. Ok, so you break down, scream, and cry. Is there someone who can help you with the kids? NOT your H. Routine will help you. And what if you kids do see you? What do you think that means? That your a bad Mom? NOT. That your not Supergirl? Ok, you might be that, but do you think that if Supergirl (or Wonderwoman if you prefer)if she were real, would never have lost it? Look at what you're going through and cut yourself some slack! Seriously what do you think it means if you "lose it"?
Mo2g, breathe in deeply and relax. I know I am a relatively new poster but I have confidence in you that you can handle this.
This is not the end of the world and it may be part of the journey back to you and your children. H is not thinking straight. H is acting only on emotions.
You existed before him and you will exist without him. That does not mean that you will be permanently apart but you need to understand that you are an important and valuable person. When you realize that you are fine with or without him, you will be in a much better place. If he comes back, you will be able to have a better marriage, if that is what you want at that time.
I would not even worry about what he is doing or what he is thinking. If he has filed, there is nothing you can do about it nor should you want to. mo2g, you know you are awesome and he does not define you. Get to that understanding. If he comes back and you want him back, your love for him will be that much better as will your M.
God, please help mo2g rest in You. You said that we should take your yoke because your load is light and we can rest. Please help mo2g let go and come to You for everything.
Love ya mo2g!
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
Take a deep breath here. Please understand that the things to focus on are the things that you can control. Don't let your mind launch without you. It will just spin out of control and run right over you.
Here are some facts you can consider. If he did give L a check, they often get the retainer up front even if they are just doing paperwork in prep for filing.
If they do file, you will find some on this site that did so years ago and are still not taking the next step. That is why some states toss the action out after it lingers a year without further effort. He may feel it is just a step he must take. If they tell people they are going to do it, they often feel they must in order to keep their credibility. They may even be getting coached by a third party they should ignore. Hey, some IC even offer support to someone they think is looking for the strength, when they should be encouraging otherwise.
There are so many variables that you can not know and may never know, so don't let your mind race off the end of the runway. Talk to your own L. First contact is often free and just lets them know you may need their help if served. They can give you the best advice here.
In my case, I was finally told that I needed to have my L contact the other as being served can be done via fax between the Ls and avoid personal emotional drama.
A good reason to have already met a L you feel good about, and have a business card handy in the event you need to provide contact info quickly.
The person paying L to file has to tell the L whether or not to serve or work out some other form of processing. Some angry filers want to hurt the other person and have them served at work in an embarassing manner. Stupid is as stupid does. This justifies returning the favor as you counterfile.
Since my W works in very conservative office that does not know she races around from bar to bar on her Harley with bikers and chose to destroy her family, dating ex coworkers ... she was very terrified I would counterfile her at work. Very afraid all her secrets would blow up at work. She kept her L from doing anything threatening until I had time to talk to someone and have them work it out via fax.
Counterfiling seemed standard with my L. A few more small processing fees, but it basically stated we denied any and all allegations made against me by her .... etc. Just a global statement of "No, I don't think it will be that easy"
Take some time away from what you are doing and worrying about to release some tension. Go out in the air and look at the sky. If you are not seeing an IC and think you may need some third party support for your fears, it may help. You will get as much help here as we can provide by keyboard. You may want to be with family or church family or favorite hair stylist to unload your concerns. I strongly suggest you do so. I also advise you to avoid trashing H with anyone that will be too quick to steer you into anger and revenge.
At this stage you have no idea what will really happen. Do not assume in big bites. Nibble at this in manageable pieces. Don't worry about the next bite until you have found a way to process and work with the first. Nothing happens overnight. Anything that happens will take a great deal of time. You are at least finding what you know at this point ... with a weekend ahead.
Use this break away from business concerns to create isolated quality time with kids. Plan some time to relax in a tub or get a manicure. Look in the mirror. When you do, drive away the frowns, they wrinkle your natural beauty. Think about the person you really are. Think about how wonderful you were before this drama and how wonderful you will be when it is resolved and behind you in some way. Smile at that person. Tell that person you have and will continue to do your best, always working at being a better mom, person, and partner in life to all that you share this planet with.
If you see any pain in the mirror, kiss it and make it better. If you see any guilt in the mirror, forgive it and let it go. If you see other people in the mirror, we are there to support you and help you any way we can.
I know how you are feeling girl. Here in MI, they have three months to serve you so it probably won't happen right away and if you talk to him about it, ask if he could have the decency to not serve you at work or at home. You can go to his attorney's office to pick up the papers and/or have them mailed to your attorney's office. If you don't have one yet, you might want to start looking for one. I know it may not feel like it but this is all technicalities right now. Your H is acting on emotions. My attorney's office received the complaint this week and then called me to go pick the papers up. When I called H to yell at him and ask him why already, he said he had no idea it was coming that fast that his attorney never told him he had three months to serve me. By the way he was acting, I truly believe him.
SO FOR NOW, DO NOTHING! ACT AS IF NOTHING HAS HAPPENED AND YOU DON'T KNOW.....
Last edited by Rosy_Times; 03/09/0705:41 PM.
Me 31 WAH 30 M 5 Together 14 years S 4 divorced 7/11/07
Found H filed by looking at a check from his acct. Ick. This was 2 days after "let's keep the door open" conversation.
This is what I did...I was terrified they would serve me at work since H had no idea where I lived.
I called a L and got a consult. They told me the court that the paperwork goes through. I just caleld that court weekly, just to give me aheads up if I was being served.
Of course, you can just ask H also. If you both are talking well, then I should hope he tells you first.
My H paid a retainer in October and only signed in January. ANd we're still 'talking'.....
Momof2, This is a big lesson for you in trying not to snoop. The only person who really gets hurts by this is you. In my case it was Hs phone records. I could do this legitimately b/c the phone was in my name at the time. Yes it did alert me when he changed from one OW to another. That hurt believe me. Why did I need to inflict that pain on myself?
The point here (like Liss said) is that you don't actually know what the cheque is for yet. He may have booked himself a holiday that's another common thing for MLCers to do especially if it is recent).
Try not to worry. Save you energies for events that have actually happened (or definately are going to).
(((((((Hugs)))))))))
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Regardless of whether the check os for a lawyer or not doesn't matter...and let's face it, 3K, my bet is with you that it is for a lawyer.
He saidi he was going to do this. Now it's your turn.
GET A LAWYER. You are not filing, but you need someone representing you so you can contest this. Lawyers often give a free first visit...that way you can interview a few for a fit for yourself and your situation.
Then if it really bothers you, find out if your lawyer can request to be served for you--that's what mine did.
AS fo talking to him about this NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT
Oh, he's gonna be pissed when he finds out you have your own lawyer...and more so when he lerans you are contesting. Tough. Just tell him that this is how these things work and refer him to your lawyer for legal and financial BS.
If he screams at you and inisist ont alking...hang up the phone if you must. Instead try to use it as an opportunity to validate, show your consistency and strenght in this matter and pepper in a bunch of "I'm sorry you feel that way"s. But that is tough to do at this stage, so hang up if you are not ready.
Right now I just want you to expect rage from him. It is a test, and to pass you are to remain strong and focused on what you want and believe.
You can do this. But I want you to find a lawyer NOW...go get the phone book or start lookin online right now. When I did I had to make appointments sevral weeks in advance...so no dawdling.
I do have an L that I consulted with a while back when H told me he wanted to sell house. I met to go over my legal rights. I like L very much...I have talked to him 3 or 4 times on the phone and he has yet to ask me for $$...His first question every time I talk to him is "How are you emotionally?" I think that is really kind. H does not know I looked at his acct!! He opened his own and used our address...I kind of stumbled over it by accident. So I called the automated phone line and have done so daily...today the 3k check cleared...H just wrote it b/c he gave me a check on Sunday and the 3k check number is the one after. I am sick over the fact he can do this w/o even a conversation...I don't feel marriage should be this disposible...I am sure his OW (who is 23...UGH...he is 40) is occupying every thought he has right now. Not sure if I should make an attempt to talk to him...would much rather p/u papers myself. I am his second M and I can't believe that he would be so callous as to throw our M away without even trying to work at it!! If you read my previous posts you will see this hit me out of no where...I have two young daughters and two stepsons who I love deeply and have raised them since they were young!! How can H just throw me away w/o even thinking about what we have been through and how great I was to his boys?? I married him with my eyes wide open...I chose to get involved and he has a pretty scary XW....I am not bad mouthing him to anyone...I figure if I do nothing and say nothing he can't blame me for causing problems....I am taking the high road. I just feel so hurt and used...not sure if I should talk to him or not!! H has been friendlier this week....maybe b/c he did this and is laughing that I don't know. H told me he would tell me when he filed....should I wait for him to tell me or ask him?? I do think we also need to talk about R/M... how can you end it w/o a conversation?? We are not in highschool...this is a family!!! To talk or not to talk?????? advice??????
