I just moved here from Newcomers. My sitch is married for 14 years, known for 23. Three kids 14s, 11s, and 8d. I am 37 and he is 39. Bomb 7/26/06. Left us for a 26 year that has 3d and 6s. I use to watch her kids in my daycare. They had an emtional affair every since Valentines day of last year. Three weeks after he left. they started living together. H has been back and forth on wanting to get back together, but is afraid he will never hear the end of the A and says he cant live by himself. Or says he cant throw her and 2 kids on the street. H wanted a D, and I jumped the gun and got the papers filed. Three weeks ago, I told him I didnt have the heart to go through with the D and he said to put it on hold then. But hurry up , so we wouldnt have to go to court. I am real close to his mother. She has been more of a mother than my own. She told me this week that he had to clean the house and do all the laundry. They have been fighting at least 2 to 3 times week since this all started. OW doesnt have a job and she makes more on unemployment then she would if she had a job. I know what type of person she is. She has told me that she was looking for someone to take care of her so she wouldnt have to work. She thought we had money. It just makes me sick to think that she is using him and I am having to pay for it. I am just having to detach and sit back and watch him ruin is life.
Rab-Have you read any of the DB books? If not go get them and read them. As far as the D goes, don't do it. If he wants it let him do it. You are doing his dirty worka nd relieving his guilt. If you file, he can tell people that you filed and booted him out.
When you read the books, you will get all kinds of techniques to help YOU and by helping yourself, you can help your marriage.
You will learn in the books that you have to Get a Life (GAL), make yourself attractive to him and let him make the decision to cut the OW loose. You cannot control his actions or his decisions. He is making bad decisons, and only he can correct it.
Good luck and God be with you.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Thanks, I am going this weekend to get the books. I have been doind better. I have down days. I just cant understand why he thinks she is so much better. Our sex life went down hill and we fought a lot the last year and a half. All they have is sex. Hard to get out of my head.
My GAL's are three kids in soccer, my three bulldogs, bolwing on friday nights, and a comupter course. Since I have a daycare, my down times are when they are sleeping. I know I should take a nap also, but then I would not wan to get up.
He was calling me a lot, but now that he is laid off and I am not being so available, that has slowed down. Hard to get use to. When he cant get a hold of me, he calls his mom and sks if I am mad at him for some reason. Why care that I am mad? I am only cuz what he has done, but not showing it. Has anyone had to deal with H/W living with OP and your kids having to visit?
He some how heard I went on a date(he was a friend and it was just dinner). He told me that I was lying and he was going to tell the kids since I raked him through the coals about his affair(who he is living with for 7 months now). I of course got a little upset. He says he is happy where he is at. I have heard in the past that he wasnt happy. But I just wouldnt have anything to do with him,sex. He says he is still bitter about everything and OW says he is an A$$, so why do I want him back. Cuz we have three kids together. He hasnt said anything about the divorce in a long time. I put it on hold and OW found out. Ha!Ha! Little does she know I just told him that I didnt have it in my heart to get the divorce and he is the one who suggested to put it on hold. But he said he just didnt want to fight about it and didnt want it to be costly. He cant afford to get a lawyer. If he suggests it in the future, I will tell him to get it his self.
How are the DB books coming? They will give you much insight into his actions, and more importantly, YOUR ACTIONS. If you really think he is going to tell the kids, pre-empt him and have a talk with them yourself. Tell them that Mr X is a friend and you needed an adult to talk to so you went out for dinner. Be clear with them that you are in no way shape or form becoming involved with anyone due to the current situation.
I am serious, read the books. You will learn that you do not want him back unless he wants back in.
Lastly, do not file for the D. If he wants it, let him do it. Money is a poor excuse.
GAL, PMA and most of all, keep telling yourself that no one can control your emotions. You are a rock.
Read the attached piece on detachment, it may help.
II. Detachment Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship. Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done. Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals. We can not control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness. If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals. On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’ It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I can not control another person, but I can control how I respond to them.
Good luck.
Me: 44 S: 17 and 7 Final-6-13-08 I once went to a psychic who told me I would soon feel cheated......
Thank you I am working on all that. Book should be here anyday. Cant wait. Good idea with the kids. I will let them know. In the beginning the oldest boy told me to get over it and find someone nice and that lots of money. But at that time he was real bitter at his dad. Thank again
I got my DB book yesterday. And I love it. I have read almost the whole book. I started detaching and now he is detaching from me. I dont know if it cuz he has a work phone and trying to watch his minutes. Or what. Last Monday was his moms birthday and he got an icecream cake for her. He called and asked me to come over for cake. I did and I acted like nothing has ever happened. All 3 of our kids are in soccer and he said he wont miss any games. That is good. He was never interested before. He even went to the middle sons practice when it wasnt his night. Just living life day to day. I am just glad I dont have contact with OW.
Just got done talking to MIL, who is rooting for us to get back together, she had a long talk with H last night. He got laid off 2 weeks ago and now OW's unemployment has run out and no job. He is very depressed that he cant buy things he wants to for the kids like he use to buy. And H and OW fought all day long. He!He! She has really been bi$$$ing at him. But he is really missing the kids. Even though he sees them 2 nights and everyother weekend. I am so proud that he is getting more involved with the kids and I dont know how or if I should say something. His positives Seeing the kids more Attending all the games Quit smoking, but he still chews Including me in some of his life My positives Being and acting more happy Not mentioning OW Not fighting Not talking about R
Boy, my H hasnt been staying at home much in the evenings lately. He has been to the kids practices. It is so easy to talk to him on the phone. Hard to look at him in the face and he doesnt talk to me much then either. I guess he has a hard time feeling guilty looking at me. Wonder when she is going tostart complaining that he isnt home much and around me? I dont really care. But I think it will be funny. H has been laid off for 3 weeks now. He has this hair brained idea that he wants to start up our vinyl sign company again and quit his job. A friend of ours and him want to make stickers and sell them to Cabelas. Right! They wont buy from them. I had to remind him that the kids need insurance. He said he would just pay for it. He only needs $750.00 a week to live on (of course she has to get money somewhere to help). I dont miss that part of the M. He has never held a job for more then 2 years. Then he always wants to start up some kind of business. He is not business oriented. Not good with money. Cant save a dime. Spends it as fast as it comes in. Oh well thas his deal.
