My mom is doing much better this week and she should be released next week. I cannot believe that she survived. It was so painful to see her suffer so; I am glad this may be behind us. She will need to spend several weeks is assisted living but the docs think she can go back to her independent living apartment after that.
My MIL took a turn for the worse this week. She started another round of chemo for her lung cancer but became very ill. They had to stop the chemo for now – without it she has little chance. But I don’t believe she is strong enough to take it.
I feel better today. I have been in a funk lately b/c of the holidays, my mom, and b/c my W was being a bi*ch at the holidays. I felt like I was falling in a deep pit. But I reread some of my books and I was reminded that while the logical mind tells us to detach and move on the emotional mind is like the tide. We feel emotions at high tide and then we think everything is okay when low tide comes. But then another high tide follows. I have been calling it backsliding and beating myself up for again feeling anger, frustration, fear and sorrow. But backsliding is not it at all. It is how emotions work. They work like the tide to change the coastline ever so slowly. If you build a wall to keep out the tide, the coastline never changes, never improves.
So I again realize to let the emotions run their course and accept what they are telling me. They are part of the healing process. It is also easier to stand for my M since I know the anger and frustration I am feeling for my W is normal and it is not about her as a person – it is about the choices she felt she needed to make in her life at this point in time. I know the anger and frustration I am feeling for me is also normal and they are helping me correct things in my control. The fear I am feeling will challenge me into a new future and new GAL goals. The sorrow at my loss will propel me to be stronger.
Yes, my emotions are normal. My high tide will return. I embrace it for it will chisel my coastline into something beautiful and powerful.
Long weekend coming up with my kids. I am looking forward to it. I have not seen them in over two weeks.
You've been thru hell Jeff, with some extra flames of fire thrown in just for good measure. I am in awe of what you just said, it is wonderful to hear especially after your emotional rollercoaster plunged so low.
Remember - to feel the good you can't shut out the pain. The emotions come in a package.
I am so happy to hear how strong your Mom is, to regain her strength and lead her normal life. I know how hurt you and your Mom are by W not visiting and being very supportive. If I remember correctly, she didn't want you to be too involved with MIL, but could that be part of her distance during this ordeal with your mom? She is considering it titfortat and rewriting her version of history to include her pain because you didn't support her? (even though it was her idea)
One other thing.... where is your coastline in Huntsville? I'll be driving thru that area next month and want to make sure I don't get stuck on the beach with a trailer load of horses.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Jeff...great to hear about mom. You made some EXCELLENT decisions together with you mom's doctors and you should be VERY PROUD of this. You're a good man.
Although I feel that, in many ways you are much stronger emotionally than I am Jeff, I DO KNOW that it is normal to feel the way you do. Let the emotions run their course.
Enjoy your kids. Similarly, LEGO Star Wars...and doing it with my son, well, nothing better.
Strength and honor.
Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
These thoughts and emotions we get can really do us in if we let them. For the last 9 months or so I have been attending a mindfulness meditation group one night a week and it has really helped me.
Mindfulness is being aware of what is going on and trying to stay in the present moment. People can go through their lives on automatic pilot, they could be eating, driving or in a conversation but their minds are somewhere else. Their mind is usually in the past or in the future when they believe they will be happy. You have only got right now to be happy in so why dwell on the past or wait around for the future happiness you hope to get.
Alot of people say they don't have time to meditate everyday, however you don't have to sit down to be meditative. If you are mindfull you can be aware of the emotions as they arise and stop yourself from getting too upset or angry or resentfull etc. By focusing on what you are doing as much as you can, ie. being mindfull of what you are doing, your mind will not stray off into sensitive areas that cause the suffering as much as it would when you weren't being mindfull. Terminal patients, lifers in jails and Catholic school students here in sunny Queensland are being introduced to mindfulness. I personally have found that if practiced it can change your life for the better. Of course old habits die hard so it's not all bliss.
Have a great time with the kids this weekend I've got my four for the day tomorrow and am really looking forward to it.
The anger continues...a large part of me has moved on...I am extraordinarily sad for my kids...and i won't deny I have many moments where I just start to cry about the loss. It feels just horrible...
Was in mediation this past Monday and I looked at W across the table...I had alternating emotions of wanting to vomit or ask her, how did it go bad this fast?
She still continues to attack me in when she is with the kids...I for the most part have but one emotion...that is, wondering if she's truly crazy or just temporarily insane.
Tonight she threatened me because I had stopped near her parents home because I had a client phone call...had to write down stuff...it's at the exit of our subdivision...she pulls up and starts accusing me of stalking her...she's all drama. I called her back and left a message telling her to get a life...and that she's welcome to talk to the client who heard half of her rant...
Oddly, not that long ago she called me, all nice and friendly...and wanted to talk about some feelings that she had...then asked how I was doing. Since then, cold as ice. Very strange woman. I'm hopeful this is over soon...
On a good note, I've met a nice woman...who, surprisingly, thinks I'm very attractive, funny and charming. Shocking...it sure is nice to spend time with someone that doesn't scream at you, berate you and tell you what a loser you are.
Hope you are hanging in there...we have a lot in common...I wish you well
My situation...
David Me-46, Ex-46, S-15, S-17, divorced after 20 years, she filed June '06 Mediated divorce in Feb. 07 50/50 custody
Hey all, A bit of a backslide for my mom: got a throat infection and sinus problems. I think it is not too serious but she is DONE being sick. Bless her heart. She also does not want the assisted living crap – but who does. Shows what strong blood I have!
But it impacts my weekend with the kids. I cannot leave mom alone but I miss my kids. My W is going to see her mom, who is doing worse now, so I may let her take the kids with her. My mom told me not to bring the kids b/c she is sick but she also told me not to come either. No right or wrong here.
I feel very good overall. That is a nice feeling. Strong.
WCW: you are right on about W, I think. And I also believe that W does not want to face my mom b/c of what W is doing to me and the family and W also wants to distance herself.
FIB: I posted to you. Thanks for stopping by – you have your own to deal with. So that makes it special.
Neli – me, an inspiration?? Thanks so much for that.
Paul: Thanks for stopping by also. I have been following you since I joined but I fell asleep at the watch. I knew kids, but I did not know you had FOUR kids!!!! Hope you have a great time. And what you posted requires serious thought on my part. Is W still responding??
David: Our drama continues. But I just KNOW (how I do not know) that things will get better for us. I continue to admire your positive, I don’t give a sh*t attitude here. AND you met someone???? Excellent!!! I am not ready for that yet but just reading about it makes me so happy. Thanks.
Thanks everyone. Next steps:
Get my mom out of that hospital. Support my W with her mom as best I can. Embrace my emotions. Get a plan for the future. Love my kids. Support their mother. Live again.
Sounds like your Mom is one tough lady and you are such a wonderful son, father and husband. I will second what Bworl has said.
Quote:
Get my mom out of that hospital. Support my W with her mom as best I can. Embrace my emotions. Get a plan for the future. Love my kids. Support their mother. Live again.
I really like your next steps but the one I like the best is "Live again"
