Hi Laura, Ugh, I don't know why I did it, but I went on H's MySpace today. I was completely concsious of what I was doing too. I knew it was going to hurt me no matter what I saw, but I still did it. I think I have been around such negativity lately that it seemed to put me deep back into limboland. I guess I was hoping to find some type of change in him. I know, it was really stupid of me. Of course I would know if something has changed in him because I would see it, not on MySpace, but in person. I feel like I have been kidding myself into thinking that there was a possibility that H missed me, that H wanted to come back...I can see this is not true.
Quote: I think I was just so upset b/c it seems like he is such a stranger to me now, but I have to tell myself that I can't focus on that. I can only focus on myself and allow God to help my H w/ his own baggage. If we are supposed to be together, our past will speak for itself when OG shows her own true, immature colors. But my H, has to see that w/o any help from me.
I feel the same way. My H has changed in so many ways, but it's his morals that have changed the most and it really hurts. Many of his other changes are good for him. He looks good, he has a more positive outlook it seems, he is making more friends and networking more...it's incredibly painful that I am not allowed to share these changes with him.
It's been awhile since I have posted here, but I have been reading many of your posts. I haven't talked to my husband since Christmas Day (2006), but I did text him (just after New Year's Day) to notify him of important mail that came to my house.
Brief re-cap on situation: We have been separated two years (since 1/2005), H has never filed papers of any sort. We have been married since 7/22/00 and dated/best of friends since 1991. Since our separation (prompted by H saying he was "confused and needed space to figure things out: career path, where his life was going, etc.), he has seriously mentioned reconcilliation 2x (most recently Oct. 2006). In Oct. 2006, he told me that no one treated him as well as I did and his friends have been asking him why we were not back together. Before we got together this time, he told me that he wanted to get this "girl" (she's only 22, I'm 34 and he's 30) out of the picture that he was "sort of seeing, but nothing serious" and then he wanted to start seeing me again and wanted us back together (his words). We actually met at a great hotel (he texted me and told me that OG was out of the picture now), had sex (which I go back and forth on whether I should have done that ) and then he told me that he was sorry that moved way too fast and isn't ready for anything more. I was extremely patient and told him not to worry that I participated too and that he should take his time and do whatever he needed to do. I told him that I wanted to take my time too. He seemed concerned that I had another person in the picture and I told him no...
Fast forward to Christmas -> We had talked off (via text) an on after situation and it was very friendly. I told him just before Christmas that I had a present for him and he appeared to jokingly tell me to take it back. On Christmas Day, I texted him and then asked if I could call him and he said it was fine. He seemed very tense, but then lightened up a little as we talked about neutral stuff. I mentioned again that I had a present for him and then he blew up at me. He told me he felt like crap b/c I bought him something and he could afford to do the same for me. He then when on to ask if I was dating anyone and I changed it back to him and asked him the same question.... I asked if he was "still w/ that girl?" He said "I don't know what we are." He then told me that he was confused w/ the back and forth stuff and that I probably just needed to move on. He said he feels like we have never had closure and maybe that's is his problem. I told him not to worry about me and if he wanted to see someone then he should. He told me that I needed to find someone else and that there were 5 billion people on the planet and it shouldn't be hard. I reiterated again that he did not need to be concerned about me. He said that he was going to file for D papers as soon as he had the money. I told him to do what made him happy and he said that it wouldn't but he didn't know what to do. He said "no one would want to be w/ someone who is still married, what kind of situation is that?" He said again a couple of more times (as he was yelling at me) that he was going to get a D as soon as he had the money. I told him that I was sorry that he was so angry at me as evidenced by the yelling. He said he wasn't really angry but he felt like it was the only way for me to hear what he was saying. He also stated at some point in the conversation that the "D papers were just that and we could always get back together down the road"..... ???? We ended the conversation by him telling me not to contact him, for me to move on... I told him that again I would take care of myself and do what made me happy and that he should do the same.
After that conversation, I contacted DB coach Laurie and we talked. She was great and we concluded that H was acting out in guilt and confusion and probably did not mean the D stuff. We discussed that my H's 30 Birthday was coming up at the beginning of Feb. and that I would have always contacted him (even though we were separated). We talked about doing something different to catch his attention and as difficult as it was for me, to not contact him. I also told her that I had found out that my H had a MySpace page that stated he was "in a relationship" and that his 22 "girl" friend was going on and on about how much she loved him on that page (mature, right?!) and he even had a similar statement on her page. It was so strange to see that from him b/c I felt like I was looking at a highschool yearbook or something. Another thing about this "girl" - a couple of months before we separated, my H received 3 text messages in the middle of the night (that I have now figured out were from her) and I read them to him (I never would have done that, but I thought it was strange he was getting messages in the middle of the night). He said she "was the younger sister of a friend of his that has a crush" on him and he "couldn't help it that she liked him" and she was this "immature girl." He told me that he would tell her to stop.
So much for the brief re-cap....
So, now I'm wondering how long I should go w/ the NC? I'm about 75% that I should continue w/ the NC and 25% that I should contact w/ a brief hello. My concern is that H needs to really experience his actions and choices and that the NC from me is hopefully causing him to really wonder about what he has done. Also, my hope is that the R w/ OG will start to settle in b/c I know she is not that great of person. I've talked to DB Coach Laurie twice in the past and I can't afford to do that right now. Last time I talked to her, she said I should prob. wait until at least after his B-day. She also told me that I had done a really good job of building a good friendship w/ H since we had been separated and I believe that he knows that when he thinks about us.
Laura!!! OMG, so good to see you back!!! I can't get over how similar our sitches are...our ages, similar friendships with our H's, the one time sex thing and our H's reactions to that, the confusion/guilt, the lack of money on H's end to proceed with D, the OG sitch, the myspace crap and now the pulling away.
Well, I still have contact with H, but he definately pulling away. He is very depressed and said he feels like a loser, he said that everything is so overwhelming and can't talk to anyone about it because it would be a conflict of interest...and when I didn't reply to that he said, it wasn't what I thought, it's just a culmination of things...whatever that means.
I think what you are doing is perfect! But, I didn't hear much about how you are feeling or what YOU have been up to lately?!?!?!
It's great to hear from you too! I didn't have any updates, so it probably seems like I've dropped off the face of the planet!
Yes, our situations are definitely similar! I've been working out a ton - it really helps me with stress and gives me a feeling of self satisfaction that I "can do it!!" I also have several friends that I go to the movies, etc. What have you been doing?
It's so difficult to pull back and let God take control, but that's kind of what initially I was forced to do, but then I realized that's what I should have been doing all along! I thought I was doing that until I went dark and realized I was still so attached to every one of his actions (or lack there of!).
So, do you think I should still stay dark and give it more time? That's my feeling on it, but I just wanted to check it out w/ others. Laurie (DB Coach) said she wasn't so sure that H would contact me due to his own depression and self esteem stuff (he might just think he went too far and this is his consequence), although I think he needs to really experience life w/o me. I think my H thinks I will contact him and that's one of the reasons why our separation has gone on so long. He hasn't really had to experience any consequence of his choice b/c I've always been his safety net. It's easier said than done though.... I just have to have faith in God. By the way, Holly 06 recently posted a great older post that talks about this very thing. It came at the right time, just when I was starting to have a few doubts.
Thanks for responding to me - I really appreciate that!
Hi Laura, Going dark definitely seems to be working for you!!! You're working out and going out with your friends...awesome GAL!!!
As you know, nobody really knows if it's working on the WAS, but you seem to be taking great care of yourself so just keep doing what you are doing!!! Only good things can come to you when you take good care of yourself daaaaarling!!
) and then he told me that he was sorry that moved way too fast and isn't ready for anything more. I was extremely patient and told him not to worry that I participated too and that he should take his time and do whatever he needed to do. I told him that I wanted to take my time too. He seemed concerned that I had another person in the picture and I told him no...
I also have several friends that I go to the movies, etc. What have you been doing?
I thought I was doing that until I went dark and realized I was still so attached to every one of his actions (or lack there of!).