Time for a little Monday morning quarterbacking re Christmas.
Christmas day was not too bad really. The kids stayed Christmas Eve and were up and did the presents thing at my place. Their mother and OM (Mr. XW now) came and got them at about 11. I called all my relatives (99% of whom live far away) and wished them a Merry Christmas. My brother called and invited me to his house (he lives about 1/2 hour away) and after some sitting around, I decided that the wise man choses company on Christmas and not solitude, so I went.
My father lives with my brother and is in very poor health, an invalid basically, and I speculated yesterday that perhaps I avoid them sometimes because it's so hard to see him like that. Shallow and weak I know. I also remembered yesterday that my mother died when I was a teen the week after Christmas and I really need to make sure I don't turn that holiday into something depressing. I felt a little down once or twice at my brother's but really did well by and large. Came home and managed to go to sleep like a human being, which was good considering XW was dropping the kids off at 7:30 am on her way to work. We had a good day today, and I am content.
But back to the analysis. I noticed something this Christmas. More than any time since the big D, the XW seems less like someone I knew so well and more like just someone. Her looks have changed a bit. Since she has married OM, she has decided (as she did when she married me) that she was safe in chopping all her hair off. She has put on quite a few pounds and he's not exactly svelte for 26 either so they look like two pudgy people that are acquaintances rather than the woman I loved and the bastard who stole her from me. Interesting.
I even considered, as I drifted off to sleep last night, asking them to dinner tonight since they would be picking the kids up about that time. But I decided against it today. Or more accurately, I forgot about it until just now.
Anyway, I am trying hard to let it go this week and I feel like it might be working. I know that it will take some effort, but it is about dang time. Strange to say, I have never been able to kick in the hate and anger very much so it's not that I am letting go. More like resentment I think.
And while I am babbling, let me add this one that has been floating in my head since Friday (and No, it is not about XW)....
Just for a moment
Her skin was white, like ivory, smooth as though it had been carefulyl crafted that way. Her blonde hair was tied back behind her head, straight and fine, framing her face and making her big dark eyes seem bigger. She wore black shorts and a black shirt that were nothing special in themselves but which set off her ivory skin.
Although she was beautiful, in a way she represented nothing I normally am drawn to in a woman. She was not buxom or voluptuous. Her hair was golden not raven black. Her mannerisms were quiet, almost apologetic certainly not confident and aggresive. But you could tell she was strong too. You would be happy to rescue her whenever she needed, to play the all knowing protector, but she didn't emanate that sort of neediness.
But it was really her skin. Not that skin normally attracts me either, at least beyond the obvious. Her shirt hugged her neck, her shorts were a modest length. It was not the skin on the top of her breasts or the skin along the backs of her thighs that had the effect. Instead it was just the softness, the touchability of it. She was like a simple diamond in a modest setting. Not garish and obvious but still beautiful, drawing the eye.
Her second hug lingered, momentarily, no more than a heartbeat longer. Just long enough for each of us to murmer something that held no meaning really, considering the words at face value but something none the less.
When I left, I looked back at her. Her eyes were dark. They shined with a light, an effluence reached out from them and entered into my eyes, taking the course through my body that bypasses the brain and leads straight to the soul.
It's strength lifed me up to a place I had forgotten about lately. I needed a pen and paper and a moment and I would have written words that could burn through your heart, leaving a scar that would last an enternity. But the moment left me before I did. But her skin stayed in my mind, a secret smile with me the rest of the day. The promise of something is so often sweeter than the thing itself, but only if we really believe the promise will be fulfilled.
Hey Al, good to see you're still out there with those insights into life's twists. We've traveled much the same path, you and I.
Finances are a bummer; got the airplane up for sale now. Just can't afford the expense and could use the money. Had it for 20 years and hate to see it go . Girlfriend of 9 months just told me she thinks we should be dating other people - damn! D again! I seemed to take it pretty well and I'm not sure if that means I didn't really have strong feelings for her (I thought I did ) or I have my defences ready at a moments notice. Yeah, my friend, you are wise to be careful with your babysitter. I know you see where that could lead.
Spent the weekend with my kids and they were great to have around. Pi$$es me off that I'm being cheated out of the daily interaction with them. Saw XW and OM/new hubby outside their house when I dropped my boys off. She was still trim but her face has seemed to have aged 10 years in the last 10 months. He still looks like a penguin and now they are both smokers. She quit years ago, he never did so now they both do it.
I've been working this new job for 6 months now, many weeks I'm working 6-1/2 days. Hmmmm, do you suppose that has helped screw up my latest relationship? I signed up to do a start-up of a new plant - empty concrete floor when I walked in the building 6 months ago. Now we're in production but so far behind schedule we may never catch up. We were 6 months late when we started and we're still way behind. I'm getting too old for this stuff, but God I love the fight.
You keep writing and I'll keep manufacturing and maybe some day we can kick back and see a task well done .
Hey Ellie and AV8R. I sort of touch and go with the writing. The key is probably some discipline with it. Maybe that's a goal for 2007.
AV8TR, sorry things are rough although you sound positive and hopeful and that is the key after all.
I just realized at 9:30 pm that today would have been my anniversary. I call that progress. No dwelling...I almost forgot, and when I remembered, no biggie. Cool.
Whoops. Kid interruptions. I guess I will cut the post short!
Dude! If you hadn't reminded me I might totally have spaced off that tomorrow is my anniversary (I guess it counts since I'm still married, though she's supposed to be filing any day now).
I know I'm making progress because I'm pretty much hoping that XW and OM get married. She's easier to deal with when she's happy and I don't want her feeling my post-M life is better than hers. Outside of the fact that I can't manage to keep on top of keeping the house straightened and in good repair, I'm pretty happy with life at the moment. I got (my kids) Guitar Hero for the PS/2 for Christmas and have been having fun since I got the boys back Tuesday evening.
So anyway, Al, Happy Un-iversary! I'll celebrate mine tomorrow with a glass of my favorite cheap wine and a silent toast to XW who's out-of-town with OW for the weekend, God bless 'em. Hope she doesn't pi$$ him off.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
hey Al some of the same feelings here too.I seem to feel better until I hear from or see the XW. Then I slide. I am medicated pretty well now. I feel like I am neither high or low, prtetty contect to sit and stare I guess. Since before xmas eve I felt a cry coming on but it wouldn't come out. Last night it ALL came out. I cried so hard my chest muscles are still sore.
I love having myt daughter on the weekends, but in a way she reminds me of the life I no longer have. Sometimes my daughter can caused me to slide.
Hey Big Al . . . mine might be a name you remember from the past . . . Bonkers . . . Bonks. I decided to check in tonight. CONGRATS BTW on the big step of almost forgetting about your anniversary. Really . . . that's big.
I'll have to catch up on your thread as well as others I remember. WHAT a lot of time I spent on this board. Kept me semi-sane . . .
Burg . . . I had posted to Big Al and then got down to your message. I have to tell you . . . your signature at the end actually stunned me. I read it . . . and then slowly . . . reread it. GOOD WORK!
Well, you know guys, it kinda evens out eventually, but not in any real big hurry, dangit. I just unleashed my kids on XW and OM (and by the way BB, I believe you meant OM and not OW on your post unless something big has happened that I missed). XW dearly loves to tell me what she and OM are up to. I think she sees it as keeping me informed, but she had to tell me she and OM are going up to visit friends out of town on NYE. The friends in question are the ones whose wedding she and OM went to when WE were still married and not separated. They spent the night (separately of course...oh geeze, I crack myself up). I wonder how the newlyweds think about the whole "Gee it was at our wedding when OM and XW were here last but then she was married to someone else and now she's married to him" I suspect there is some uncomfortable thoughts there about their own chances at marital bliss.
Meanwhile, I doing pretty well. Had the kids for a few days. I was sick as heck Thurs. but the boys were good and we all slept like 12 hours that night, and I recovered. My money situation has eased a bit. I'm not out of the woods yet, but I only have to cut down a few thousand more trees to get there.
At least I have NYE plans. A friend from work is having a party which will be fun. Then it is back to the grindstone on Tuesday. XW and OM are going out of town a week after that. I, of course, will watch the kids. Somedays I wish she would get knocked up again so they would be tied down permanently, but then again, nah...Anyway, I took the opportunity to tell her I will have to arrange with her mom to watch them on one day because I have to be on TV (just a little news interview for a work thing, but what the heck).
I HAVE finally figured out that maybe this whole being alone thing may not be the smartest route to take. I have also realized something about potential mates. I prefer someone I kind of already know. I don't relish meeting someone out of the blue and trying to evaluate our compatibility. Very rarely have I ever gone out with someone who I didn't already know a little. A new thought for me and one I will keep in mind.
"M'appari tutt' amor"
...sorry, opera on the CD player.
Anyway, it is going to be a very busy 2007 for me so far, at least work related. Lots of things on the list. I am excited, as always, by that. Although some of it (a small some of it) is stuff I don't want to do, most of it is stuff I really am interested in. I hope to make this term a great one class wise. Seems as though I like it when I am busy, but I try to avoid being busy a much as I can.
. Girlfriend of 9 months just told me she thinks we should be dating other people - damn! D again! 
I seemed to take it pretty well and I'm not sure if that means I didn't really have strong feelings for her (I thought I did 
) or I have my defences ready at a moments notice. Yeah, my friend, you are wise to be careful with your babysitter. I know you see where that could lead. 
. 
