I have been lurking on here for a few days reading everone else's stuff and thought I whould share my story here. Does anyone else feel like their imagination is whithering? Sometimes I feel like I am just shriveling up on the inside.
Re fear Also, does anyone have an opinion on whether I should start with Divorce Busters or Divorce Remedy?
Divorce Remedy is laid out better. I read both and liked Divorce Remedy more.
Does anyone else feel like their imagination is whithering? Sometimes I feel like I am just shriveling up on the inside. Yes. That is a common feeling.
You have to get tough sometimes, is my first advice.
Lots of folks here like David Schnarch's books.
If you want to understand some things about sexual drive and thresholds, read "Resurrecting Sex' for why somethings don't work with in a person, that most people feel they/it should work sexually. Part of the book is about understanding you-self, different expectations, working with myths, and people skills.
If you want to push the two of you into a situation where both have to choose this R, or move to a different level, read "Passionate Marriage" by Schnarch.
I took a quick look at some of your older post and think this forum is where you will find the most help.
Thank you so much for your feedback. This is really such a struggle and it is good to finally connect with people struggling with the same thing. In day to day life it is so hard to listen to other women jokingly complain about their husbands desire or to hear people make jokes about my sex life with the assumption that I have one. This place is a wonderful refuge.
Do any of you struggle with a lot of worry about if the LDH is cheating. I have confronted him so many times after snooping about female friends. I have never stumbled onto anything more than friendships that, while not inappropriate, could go that way if he wasn't careful. I understand that my husband is struggling with the Madonna/Whore complex and I know that it puts him at high risk for cheating. He is capable of being very passionate, which I have seen when I have tried separating in the past. I know that the snooping is tearing apart our relationship and I am trying really hard not to but I can not stop the worrying and thinking about it a LOT. I just wondered if anyone else struggled with this?
Each of us brings our own perspective/experiences into this place. There are quite a few gals here. I don't understand the Madona complex you refer to . What is it?
Outside of not getting the attentions you desire, has there been anything that would lead you to believe there is an OW?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
The short version is that he respects me too much as a mother and wife to taint with dirty sex. Sex is something that is for people that aren't worthy of his respect. 1. He has talked to women before, kind of flirty, and he goes thru spells where he holds onto his phone at all times and has lied to me about who he is talking to before. He admits he is a flirt and told me that I need to just get used to it. 2. His email is password protected. He has the computer set up so that everyone has a profile and his is password protected so noone but him can log into it and everyone elses is open. 3. He has a Match.com profile that he never deleted after we got back together. He said they don't delete them because he has tried. I hacked in and set his preferences on there to stop sending him potential matches and he went back on and set it up to view them again. He hasn't logged into his account but he regularly looks at his options in his email. 4. He goes out with the guys just about every friday night.
Quote: He has a Match.com profile that he never deleted after we got back together
As we all have come to find out, there are normally other problems with the R other than just sex/intimacy. Why did you break up in the first place. Who are these buddies he hangs with on fridays? Is it a constant group for activities like cards or bowling or sports?
What do you two do together?
Other things to consider--are there any substance problems or things like depression from other pressures to the R?
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
"As we all have come to find out, there are normally other problems with the R other than just sex/intimacy."
Well, there are always going to be other problems, but for us, the intimacy problem was there first and I feel like it is crumbling the foundation of our relationship.
"Why did you break up in the first place?" Last year, our relationship deteriorated to the point that he was not contributing to the household budget, was drinking every night, and was verbally abusive to everyone in the house.
"Who are these buddies he hangs with on fridays? Is it a constant group for activities like cards or bowling or sports?" It is pretty much a regular group of guys. Most of whom he has known for his whole life. One of the guys is almost a father figure to my husband and he is a huge cheater and just plain sleazy. They don't do an activity at all, they just stand around and drink and talk.
"What do you two do together?" Only family activities or social events. I have attempted to arrange dates, but the last time we went, ate, and drove straight home.
"are there any substance problems or things like depression from other pressures to the R?" No other substance problems except for Friday night drinking which he keeps under control and a couple of beers for Sunday Night Football. As far as depression, I think we both have spells of it but I am not certain if it is because of the situation or if it is the cause of the situation. (Does that make sense?)
Your statement makes me wonder if your H isn't already in an EA if you can say this....(I have never stumbled onto anything more than friendships that, while not inappropriate, could go that way if he wasn't careful.)
Many people seem to think that an A has to be physical, it doesn't...EA's are just as deadly to a R. If your H has many female friends and you feel that any of those R's has the potential to become "inappropriate" you have a red flag and need to look into them further.
FWIW...my H also has whore/madonna to a degree, and he's making progress. It's taken him literally cutting out the other activities though where he sought sexual stimulation/release (on the internet, magazines etc). It's also taken him conciously making an effort to view me as a woman with needs...and not just a wife and mother. Changing this way of thinking has been difficult for him, and it's been a slow process....but it's happening.
I will flat-out tell you that snooping in my M (where my H was concerned) was probably the best thing I've ever done in this M. Why? Because it literally exploded his little secrets out in the open, so he couldn't hide them from me anymore.....he was forced to deal with them or lose me. As long as my H was able to keep his sexual side hidden from me (he always told me he just didn't think about sex etc.) then he didn't have to step up. Once I installed the keylogger on our computer and literally saw what he was doing online (and then confronted him) he couldn't deny any longer having that side....he knew he could no longer use the excuse that he "just doesn't think about sex" because well, obviously he did.
Sometimes in our M's when we have issues we tiptoe too much around the other person. In an attempt not to make things worse we don't dig deep enough....because we don't want to upset the other person. Well, in my experience....lots of times that other person makes a display of being upset, because they don't want you to expose something about themselves that they don't want to deal with. If you expose their secrets then they are often forced to confront their demons and deal with them (at least that's been the case in my situation).
If I hadn't snooped....I'd probably still be spinning my wheeles.
I agree about emotional affairs and I was not clear, but that was what I meant when I said that the conversations weren't inappropriate but were bordering on it. There was the beginnings of intimacy... "I was really glad to hear from you today" those kinds of things. I am okay with opposite sex friendships as long as they remain appropriate and respectful in their boundaries. I think if my husband has friends that are female than I should hear about them. I think that if there is a phone conversation, it should be fine to speak to them with me in the room. I think that they should be invited to join us at our home with their significant other and families.
The problem with changing my husbands behavior is that he has no desire to change, and at this point has become very open about this fact. He made it clear to me that he intends to continue flirting with other women, taking care of his sexual needs independently, and that he has absolutely no interest in me sexually. He says that he will not cheat on me but he will not sleep with me either. If I am not happy with these terms then I am free to leave the relationship and if I do not stop checking his computer activity then he will leave. He did agree to go to counseling, but states that he does not have any idea how a counselor is going to change his feelings for me in the bedroom. In every other way, we appear to be a model family. The kids are very content and he is very active in our family activities.
