Yes, you are right. He probably had a much higher drive than me, and I know that he felt very rejected. But how do we get over that? He won't let me touch him even. And I know, from conversations he has had with me, that he doesn't want just a friend, he wants a lover. I am fairly confident that if he doesn't have those feelings come back (or, as you are suggesting, let his guard down), he will leave to find passion somewhere else. I am trying to be the best wife I can in everything else, but I am losing hope because I don't see any improvement or change in our romantic situation (in or out of the bedroom).
There's no "magic" answer. You will have to display a more affectionate and sexual attitude toward him, and initiate frequently, and do it consistently over a period of time. Once your husband realizes that your desire for him is genuine, and permanent, he might let his guard down. It's going to take time, I'm afraid.
I have to agree with Choc. Your H has his defenses up because he's afraid of being hurt again by you...that's a natural reflex. YOU are going to have to show your desire for him consistently (sucks I know, but if you want change...take charge.) If he refuses you or balks...say something like, that's ok...I'll try again later...smile and walk away. It's tough to do, but he needs to see YOU step up consistently...and more importantly, genuinely. Stepping up doesn't always have to be initiating sex either...it can be just initiating physical contact of some type, it can be leaving notes letting him know what you'd like to do to him, or how you think of him.
It's going to take time for him to trust that your efforts are genuine too...so YOU will have to work at not getting discouraged and understanding WHY he's so defensive. I've found that for me, while trying to work through shtuff in my M...empathy was one of my best tools.
There's no "magic" answer. You will have to display a more affectionate and sexual attitude toward him, and initiate frequently, and do it consistently over a period of time. Once your husband realizes that your desire for him is genuine, and permanent, he might let his guard down. It's going to take time, I'm afraid.
I know this isn't my thread--sorry dwh--but I find this very interesting.
I don't know if this could apply to anyone else, but my dilemma is that H is so scared of getting reattached to me (from what I gather) that he barely ever touches me at all. However, since sex was such a big issue in our M, I know that if he doesn't feel desired by me, we don't have a chance for reconciliation. I've been touching him a bit when I see him (on the arm, leg, etc), but very casually. Sometimes I make suggestive remarks, but they just seem to slide off him.
I guess my question is this: how do you show your partner that they are desirable w/o scaring them off? If dwh's H won't let her touch him, is it wise to push it?
Nic
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Sometimes you have to be much more blatant than what you are doing....take them off balance. Kind of throw them out of their comfort zone. Sorry guys if this is TMI, but it's an example to use: There have been times when I wanted to make an impact on my H so without warning, while he's watching tv and comfy in his chair....I walk up to him and whip off his sweat pants (really easy to do when someone's reclined LOL, and proceeded to give him a BJ. Unasked for, and completely unexpected by him. When he finished....I put his pants back on him, smiled and went about whatever chores I had been doing prior to my sneak attack.
The times I have done this, I have ABSOLUTELY gotten my H's attention and thrown him off kilter. The key to this one though, is DO NOT EXPECT ANYTHING IN RETURN. This is something you are doing just for him, because YOU want to do something FOR him. With my H if I had started something like that, and then also tried to initiate sex with it...he'd have felt pressured and probably withdrawn into himself. Leaving it at just a BJ just left him stunned.
Nicola, Don't worry about stealing my thread . . . we are all going through this together! I have read a little bit of your threads and am not sure how receptive your spouse is, but I think for me I still have to wait a little longer before "pushing" again. Because it seems if I push the subject of ML or try to intiate it makes it worse. It is so hard to do, though, because I worry that the longer I let things go on like they are now, the more reassured he will be that we are meant to be friends, not lovers.
How many ND women could actually do this? This is EXACTLY how loving people behave with each other. Heck, during the so called infactuation stage, my wife would like to blow me while I am driving down the highway. She did it unasked, and the way in which she did it indicated she LIKED doing it. Now she claims that she is wiser and a BJ would make her throw up. BS.
I will say though that many people get stuck on the actual sex part, the orgasam, but what you are showing clearly is that it is NOT about sex, it is about SEXUAL CONFIDENCE.
I have done just what GEL describes for my H and wished he would leave it at that. My H wants the seven course dinner every time. Little appetizers are not on the menu as far as he is concerned.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
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