When/how is the best time to introduce the kids to the new boyfriend/girlfriend?
My STBXH has been dating someone for ~9months. I just recently found this out as he is never forthcoming. I found out by the kids telling me about daddy's "new friend." Recently, it seems that every time he has the kids (5 and 7 yrs. old) with him his GF is ALWAYS with them. We do have in our SA that we will not have any "overnight guests" while the kids are with us. The X says he is abiding by this.
This bothers me on many levels....yes, I am jealous that he has someone and I don't. I think the kids need individual time with him and the GF does not need to be there all the time. My X only has the kids 2 nts. a week!! He has plenty of time to see the GF alone.
I am annoyed that the X keeps shoving it in my face that he has a GF. The kids tell me stuff all the time and I don't want to tell them I don't want to hear about the GF, but it's making me crazy. I need to let go.......I am sad that he is treating the GF the way I would want to be treated. He spends alot of time with her and I wish he had felt that way about me when we were together. On a million levels my STBXH is not marriage material to me. He lies, is dishonest and selfish, etc...
So......can any of you relate? How do you deal with this new reality in the D journey?
Good question, hot topic. I don’t think there are any easy answers, and of course every situation is unique. Now that I have posted my disclaimer I will stick my neck out and offer an opinion.
I think when it starts to become obvious that OP may very well become part of your life and is going to be around awhile is the best time. I guess I have seen extremes on both sides where the kids meet every “date” to where the OP is kept a secret for way to long. As a responsible parent I think it is only responsible to be honest with our children and OP and introduce them. Secrets can turn ugly and as time goes and if a relationship progresses on it can become very difficult to “come clean” with the children.
Also what if OP and the kids simply do not get along, I think a responsible parent would take this take this into consideration when deciding to continue the relationship and it’s only fair to the OP that this be done before things go “too far”. IMHO if it came down to it the decision between OP and the kids would be a no brainer. Kids come first, they are not a choice, they are a reality and if OP can’t handle the idea then maybe he/she isn’t the “one”.
I think initial introductions should be made on neutral ground, like at a restaurant or something and afterwards every one goes back to their respective homes where opinions can be expressed in private. I absolutely agree with you that parents need to spend individual time with their children, I think children should be encouraged to express their thoughts and feelings. I think kids tend to be a lot smarter than we give them credit for and their feelings are very real and they deserve respect.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
Quote: How do you deal with this new reality in the D journey?
Unfortunately, My H didn't wait til after the divorce (which is in progress). He introduced our D16 to his "affair partner" (sorry, any other name would be just too good for her) the same evening that he slept with her while having our daughter for the weekend. His delicate way of introducing her to our D was to say, "I know she's not your mother and you don't have to like her!" What a prince!
So in answer to your question, there is no legal recourse for handling it.....But I have been able to get my displeasure with what he is doing into official court records. Doesn't stop his behavior, just adds to his anger that he probably won't win "father of the year" honors.
Yours is the perfect example IMHO of what not to do. The introduction tactic of “Hi kids, I would like you to meet “OP” who will be invading your home and spending the night in my bed and if you don’t like it too bad…” is a prime example of bad parenting as far as I am concerned. I am sorry for what your D16 must have went through. My S15 went through the exact same thing while staying with XW, since then he has made it very clear to XW that he wants to know in advance if she is going to be having a “friend” over while he is staying with her so that he can make plans to stay elsewhere. So far she has respected his wishes.
ALL
"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"
I'll tell you from a male's perspective and from when I introduced my kids to the woman who is now my wife.
Yes, there was the "legal" agreement that another woman could not spend the night. But what does that really mean? That she was going to take me to court? Take away my kids? Restrict visitation? Let's be serious about the things someone can and cannot do in that situation.
There is also the issue of confusing the kids. Sounds like a 9 month relationship is not just a one night stand. This person to me would be worthy of introducing to the kids. I would guess that he has thought long and hard about it. I did not introduce all the women I dated to my kids.
Next came the jeolousy. My ex-W didn't want me, but she sure as heck also didn't want someone else to have me either. The whole issue of agreements, other women, the kids was a CONTROL issue pure and simple. My ex-W wanted to control me even after we were divorced. She wanted to tell me who was good enough for me to introduce to my kids. Well, she was the one that needed to let go and accept that our M was over.
Why are you taking so long in finalizing your D? I know my ex-W delayed so she could control me as long as possible. She even admitted it later.
Thanks for your replies!! Hey....you sound like my X. I was almost laughing when I read how similar he sees me. My X sees me as controlling, etc.. That was the old me, not now. I don't question him or tell him what to do......other than when it pertains to our kids then we both have an equal say. I still have no say as to what he does, etc... I am just venting here.
Yes, 9 months is not a fling. My X had an affair with his boss a few years ago when the bomb hit and brought the kids around her, always telling me they were only "friends."
This new women is probably a very nice person. My kids seem to like her. I guess I haven't caught up with the fact that they have been dating this long because it is new information for me.
We haven't D yet because we are trying to pay off some debt. My X is being generous and helping to pay off the debt with his freelance pay. He wants to use the house as a write off so I don't imagine us getting D until next year. I will leave that one up to him. I would like to put off paying for my own health insurance as long as possible, so that's why I haven't pushed the D. We have a legal SA so I'm ok with that.
One of my hang ups is that my dad had an affair with a neighbor and married her and moved out of state all in one day.....as far as I knew, as I was only 9 yrs. old. He moved out of state the day he told us "he didn't love my mom anymore...."
I never had "alone" time with my dad and never felt like I really knew him. He died 3 1/2 yrs. ago so I will never be able to make up for lost time. I don't want my kids to feel like they never knew their dad because the OW was ALWAYS around.
Honestly, I am a bit jealous. I wish he had wanted to save our M and spend time with me like he is with the new GF. Coming from a D family their is always going to be some fall out on the kids. It may not be evident for years but trust me the kids always have scars in some fashion. Having a strong faith and trust in God helps us all through but don't think the kids aren't hurt in the process even when it is amicable.
