Yup, that's very true. I ran and blamed all the problems on my 1st M on my XW. Never looked deep enough to see if there was anything that I did or could have done differently. What happened to me? Well here I am 14 years later and in another troubled R. I'm not running now and will let W figure out what to do with our R. In the mean time I have figured out a lot about myself and will continue to work on that. Not trying to tell you what to do, it's your choice and decision.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Emily, I am not going to pussyfoot around with you and you damn well know it.
Cut and run if you are so inclined but AS someone that ran for years UP TO AND ALL THE WAY THROUGH a MLC, I'm telling you you will not outrun this, your issues are deeper than Kevin. Hell they are why you MARRIED Kevin!
One day, a few years up the road, when life has delivered another punch in your gut, you're going to be standing and looking at yourself in the mirror and every damn thing you THINK you are walking away from now is going to be looking right back at you.
Deal with this now, Emily.
You'll never outrun it and the wolves will always be at your door.
I don't understand why it seems that my poor choice in who I married is going to "hunt" me down years from now and cause me pain.
Sure I have issues. . . I've said it more than once . .RB you are the one who threw the mirror at me and told me to look there first. But I don't see the problem in closing out the horrible chapter with my H and starting a new life. No one said I was going to run right out and find a new man to try and dull the pain. If it happens great. But I don't see a point in waiting around on my H. The way I see it . . he made his choice 8 months almost 9 now when he chose to kick me out to be with her. They are all but married now. Living and breathing each other as life now. WHY should I continue to sit in limbo when he's made his decision. I see no point in staying in a loosing battle . . . when I can give up with him and move on. I can have a good life. I can be happy . . . it just means cutting him the hell outta my life. It's not really an option . . .he made the decision . . I am simply surrending to his will. I mean if I REALLY love him it's the best thing I can do. I mean let him go . . let him be happy.
Besides as I have said . . I have no choice. He has changed his number . . . no contact. . . I haven't heard from him since Thursday. He doesn't love me . . . maybe he never did. I don't know . . Maybe I'm confused. . .maybe it'll get clearer. I don't see this as running. I am not TRYING to run from anything. I am TRYING to face the cold hard fact that my marriage is over. the man I loved walked away and found another. He left our children fatherless. . . he left me heartbroken. I am trying to face the facts so I can truly move on with ME and have a normal happy life.
I'll tell you what . . . that doesn't mean being with him. I don't see how you all think that when he's been with her EVERYDAY for the last 8 almost 9 months . . .he's going to end up fighting his way back to me. It's simply NOT going to happen!!!
Quote: But I don't see a point in waiting around on my H. The way I see it . . he made his choice 8 months almost 9 now when he chose to kick me out to be with her. They are all but married now. Living and breathing each other as life now. WHY should I continue to sit in limbo when he's made his decision.
I tell you why. Can't you see that what you are saying is contradicting yourself? I mean if he has really made his choice why hasn't he divorced you? I mean in 8-9 months that is plenty of time to a least be 3/4 way through a D, or at least 1/2 way. So, the reason you sit in limbo it to make that SOB actually make the decision. Why do you want to be the one to step up and let him off the hook for recking your M? I look at it like if he is big enough to cause all the heck, then he can be the one to step up and face the music. To face that he divorced you so he could be with OP.
I'm at the point where I'm not going to let my W off the hook. I feel like if she is big enough to go and sleep with OM and wreck our M, then she can be big enough to push for a D. Only difference is that I'm at the 4 month mark. I'm not going to let it slow down my GAL activities and even if we got back together that won't stop the either. I just look at it like I'm going to be who I am whether I'm married or not.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
Quote: No one said I was going to run right out and find a new man to try and dull the pain. If it happens great.
You've said as much on several occasions. You "need" the sex, and you "need" the affirmation that you're a good and lovable person. You wrote this just a couple of days ago:
Quote: I guess I hate that I am just waiting for him and I can't even go on a date or anything . . . is it making sense?
Emily, just a couple of days ago you were desperately hoping that your H would come to visit so that you could try to start working on your marriage with him. Now that he didn't come, you're ready to "close the book."
Stop the drama, Emily. Stop making choices based on temporary moments of emotion.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I mean if he has really made his choice why hasn't he divorced you?
He's been too busy spending all his damn money her . . that's why. He hasn't had enough to file. . . it's decently expensive.
I am NOT going to let him "off the hook" . . I will not file for the D. I am just going to start living as if I am already divorced. I'm done, that's all there is to it.
Quote: Emily, just a couple of days ago you were desperately hoping that your H would come to visit so that you could try to start working on your marriage with him. Now that he didn't come, you're ready to "close the book."
No $hit RB . . I've been sitting around for 9 months now WANTING HIM TO COME HOME. It isn't happening. NOT NOW NOT EVER.
Quote: Stop making choices based on temporary moments of emotion.
Go tell HIM that. I am making THE RIGHT decision. It's stupid to think that when someone leaves you for someone else. . they'll ever come back. A fling is one thing. But when he's planning on having children with her . . when he is going to marry her . . . when they have a TOTALLY new life . . . it's absolutely RETARDED to think . . it'll ever be the same. IT WON'T.
Sorry . . . I'm not defending myself anymore. I am done and that is that.
Quote: Don't cry to me If you loved me You would be here with me You want me Come find me Make up your mind
Should I let you fall? Lose it all? So maybe you can remember yourself Can't keep believing We're only deceiving ourselves And I'm sick of the lie And you're too late
Don't cry to me If you loved me You would be here with me You want me Come find me Make up your mind
Couldn't take the blame Sick with shame Must be exhausting to lose your own game Selfishly hated No wonder you're jaded You can't play the victim this time And you're too late
So don't cry to me If you loved me You would be here with me You want me Come find me Make up your mind
You never call me when you're sober You only want it cause it's over It's over
How could I have burned paradise? How could I - you were never mine
So don't cry to me If you loved me You would be here with me Don't lie to me Just get your things I've made up your mind
Quote: Kevin is not worth the effort it would take you to spit much less all this time spent pining away over his sorry ass while he's screwing Cassie and you sit at home TAKING CARE OF HIS CHILDREN and desperately hoping he'll throw a crumb your way while the shadow of what COULD be self-esteem finally showing up gets shoved to the back burner YET ONE MORE TIME!
When are you gonna get it? HE IS A PIECE OF CRAP. AmyC . . that's from you
Why am I going to continue and sit and wait . . . when all the advice points to closing the door. Locking it and throwing the key out. I cannot continue on the merry-go-round.
I am trying to NOT throw that self-esteem on the back burner. I am trying to keep it from freezing over right now. You all yell and scream that I shouldn't want to be with him . . . but the second I make that choice . . you all freak out about that too. What the heck am I doing so wrong? I just must not get it.
I wanted you to start having a little self-respect and demanding the same from Kevin. I didn't want you to put up with his crap anymore but that doesn't mean throwing the baby out with the bath water.
You are looking for the one thing one of us says to you that will justify (in your mind) you giving up on Kevin so you can start running the roads in search of his replacement which, by the way, will be a carbon copy of him.
It's a simple process and a win-win situation. Let him go (that does not mean you stop "standing"). GET A LIFE. Work ON YOURSELF.
If you do those things, you can't lose.
If he comes back and you live happily ever after, you've won. If he doesn't, but you have grown and learned from the experience and dealt with your own demons, well you've STILL won.
And you won't end up repeating the same mistakes all over again.
If you stop now, you will do JUST THAT.
And then don't you know your girls are going to grow up and be just like Mommy?
Is that okay with you?!
Look at yourself honestly right now Emily and tell me it's okay for your girls to be just like you when they grow up...
Is that what you want?
Because that's what you're going to get.
This is not me being judgmental either.
I've stood in the mirror and asked myself that same question about my little girl and my answer was a resounding NO!
My answer quite truthfully is STILL a resounding NO but I know one thing, my kids make me want to be a better, stronger, smarter person that makes better decisions and they are the reason I'll do the grunt work to get there.
Yeah, we SHOULD have had it all together before we had kids but if we'd waited for that most of us would still be childless.
Do what you're going to do.
But I'll be damned if you're gonna use MY words to justify being a coward.
Quote: Why am I going to continue and sit and wait . . . when all the advice points to closing the door. Locking it and throwing the key out. I cannot continue on the merry-go-round.
I am trying to NOT throw that self-esteem on the back burner. I am trying to keep it from freezing over right now. You all yell and scream that I shouldn't want to be with him . . . but the second I make that choice . . you all freak out about that too. What the heck am I doing so wrong? I just must not get it.
This is going to sound weird but, don't shut the door on your marriage but don't sit and wait either. You need to let go and just live. You said something about living like you weren't married, that isn't the way to go. Just live for you and your daughters. Don't go out there looking for a new relationship of anything because all it will do is confuse you even more. I went down that path. After my H left, I was alone and miserable (just like you) and I thought a one night stand or another relationship is what I needed. It wasn't. Thank goodness I never did anything. I was looking for it though. Luckily, the person I was introduced to had higher standards than me and didn't take advantage of my vulnerable state. He and I have become friends and that is all. I don't know if I would have crossed the line with him if given the chance but I was thinking about it. The only thing it did for me was confuse me and make me question things even more. I do realize from that situation that I love my H more and won't do anything to jeopardize my marriage. (whats left of it anyway)
I think what you need to do right now is just accept that your H is not with you. You need to let go of all the hostility and move forward. I can tell you from reading your posts that even if your H came home it wouldn't work because you have so much anger built up that you would explode on him. Until you can learn to handle your anger, you need to stay away from him.
Don't contact him at all. He will contact you. Right now he knows you will call him or get in touch with him. He knows you are angry and he does a lot of this stuff to keep you that way. This is his way of controlling you. Don't let him do it. He knows you would take him back in a heart beat. Let him think you won't. If he calls, answer once in awhile and act as if nothing is wrong.
Do things to take your mind off of him. At first you think you can't do that but then when you do it comes as a shock. The first time I went a few hours without thinking about my H it upset me. I thought it was wrong of me to do that but it wasn't. I live a much healthier life now that I don't think of him 24/7. I can actually get out and enjoy myself at times. Of course certain things I do I tend to wish he was there beside me but then I just push it to the back of my head.
It gets easier. You will get stronger. Just give it time. We all have plenty of that!! You have to ask yourself if your marriage is worth saving. Do you want to be with your H? If you answered yes, then you need to just take some steps back and let go. Don't think of him. Don't think of her. Don't even think of the big "D" word. You made the comment that he hasn't filed because it was expensive...if he wanted to file, he would find a way to come up with the money. Heck, why would he file? He has his cake and eating it too. He has his OW that is with him now but has you to fall back on if that doesn't work out. You need to let him think you have moved on. Give him something to worry about. As long as he knows you are waiting for him, he won't ever make up his mind.
Do this for you and your girls. Your girls are the ones who suffer through this. Mine are older and I know the first year was the worst for them because of me. I cried all the time to the point of throwing up. I didn't want to do anything. I stayed in the house all the time and wouldnt go out. I finally realized I was doing them more harm than good. I needed to live again so they could live.
Go back and read some of your posts and you will see why everyone is confused about your reactions. You are so up and down with everything. Try not to even think about it. (easier said than done)
Go out today and if the sun is out, enjoy it. Go for a walk with your girls. Play a game with Felina. Enjoy your time with them. Sooner or later you will get a job and you won't have this time with them. Enjoy it while you can.
