Hi clove--very, very glad to read you are now aware of the possibility that your W is dealing with sex/love addiction. I also deal with these addictions with my H in addition to the sexual anorexia like you describe above. Here are some links that have helped me deal and keep me sane:
There are many more websites, plus numerous books. It helped me tremendously to first learn all that I could about sex and love addictions, then second, I learned all that I could about codependency and how it applied to myself as the partner of a sex/love addict. I will share with you that you cannot make your W change or make her help you with your relationship. She is going to have to have the desire to do that on her own, and it doesn't sound like she has reached the point where she is ready or even capable to do that at this time. I would recommend that you focus on yourself for now.
I have been exactly where you are, my friend, and feel your pain. I write to give you hope that it can get better, but it won't come from the addict until they are ready, and that is ENTIRELY up to the addict. Take care of yourself in the interim and get educated about what you are dealing with so that you apply your education to the decisions you must make regarding your relationship.
Wishing you much success and healing, LG
A blessed and happy marriage is a union of two forgivers and Him, because...a cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12.
Thank you so much for your words, and for writing about your sitch in DB. I did read over your sitch a bit. I can't imagine the journey you have gone through so far.
This is difficult. DB'ing worked, I would say, and the detachment part is key.
I'm wondering now if I've become, or have been a love addict at this point because of the stuff I put up with from her.
It's not just sex that's difficult, I'm having a hard time with all of it. I'm confused I don't know if it's because I'm so close to her, but it's hard for me to even see her as a normal person anymore. Sometimes, and I hate to admit this, but sometimes I feel like I'd like to just start over.
First I want to say thank god for this forum. And for the whole DB'ing program in general. Even if you don't reconnect with your spouse, you really learn how to reconnect with and take care of yourself.
I really appreciate being able to look back through my old posts. They were very instructive. I suspect things on her side will run in a very similar pattern to the last time.
Well I can't believe I'm back, but it's pretty clear why. I'll get into that later I'm sure.
I can say this. If I look back I don't think the things that came up after the initial sort of second honeymoon, I don't think ever went away.
Previously I was making progress. I was detaching from the relationship and taking better care of myself. Things are a bit easier on me this time.
I've exposed a lot of crappy stuff on this forum, and yet I'm almost embarrassed to go into my sitch now. But I'll start that up under the proper forum section later.
For now I just want to say I'm back and it's because I stopped doing my work. I don't know if the relationship would have held together had I kept working but I suspect she and I would be both better off either way. Doing the work matters.
How I see it looking back. We got back together prematurely. I continued in the chaser role and allowed myself to get back in because all of the needs I had must have been being met. I remember being amazed.
But the drama apparently wasn't over. The good times were short and I'd say maybe 6 to 8 weeks later the same issues that drove us apart were back in. I'm not sure if they ever really got much better from there.
Certain urgent problems went away, but there was still something terribly amiss.
I think I should have pulled away at that point because the work wasn't done. I think instead I began pushing her to fix it again which is a part of a destructive pattern we've had.
I've been more detached from the start. I'm feeling pretty good despite it all. Although I have deep regrets. I've made such huge costly mistakes. I've wasted years with unhappiness and I've compromised my values about who I should be and how I should behave. I feel dumb, but I guess that's just how it goes. I had to be forced to see this. In a way this needed to happen.
I really wish I had seen that things weren't ready 5.5 years ago. And that I'd continued my work on myself when it was apparent that things weren't right yet. Instead I pushed ahead, probably wanting desperately to be loved. I'm grieving the loss of those years. I'm grieving feeling as if I've never been loved by someone I put so much of my life into. I think there's a a pattern there that needs to stop. And I'm grieving the compromises I made to try and manipulate my way into having my needs met.
In any case, I'm back. And with the skills I've learned from the DB & DR books and forums, I'm doing OK. Thank you.
