Was just wondering what other peoples experience is with a spouse that has uttered those words. Do they ever come back. Now I know every sitch is different but in general how many success stores are there out there when the spouse says those words?
posted this over in separation forum but this may be a bettr place for it.
WAW- 34
Me - 37
daugher -6
Together- 13.5 years
Married- 7.5 years
Bomblet--March, 06
The bomb --May, 06
Separated ---July 5, 06
wish I even had that! a long while ago my H, who moved back 3mths ago told me he does'nt hate me but doesnt.. .either (he didnt' finish, but we all know what he meant)
Only one time he said ILY, when he thought I'd said it, I was just saying how I love his body and he just said ILY, I cried (he didnt' see) but up to now I dont' know if he just said it becuase he thought I'd said ILY or because he really felt it
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
HI there, From what I have gathered from this forum and loads of counseling sessions, I have made up this fantasy about our chances. Notice I said fantasy because I do not want to give false hope. About xx% of MLC end up working it out with an understanding, patient and willing spouse. YY% want to come home but spouse is unwilling to consider this. ZZ% never want to come home and move on to other relationship. Now we get to determine the value of x y and z. I think x=40 y=30 z=20-30
Many here will debate this. I will accept their values too. The simple truth is, we are guessing. It is a fantasy number. The idea of DB is to be one of the x numbers. Your chances of being an x number go up if you DB well. By well I mean consistantly and with integrity. Good luck interpreting the numbers. No one knows for sure. Holly
Bomb 1/06 D dismissed 11/07, attempt reconciliation. Premature. Divorce final October 31, 2008. OW looks like bad history. Over. Still hopeful. Baby steps. In R with my X.
IMHO, those are the dumbest words you can say to anyone. WTH!!! What is 'in love'. You either love, or you don't love. My H gets it now, and says he was stupid for saying those words. They're not in love with the OP, they're in lust, and it's all a fantasy.
Okay, now that I have cleared that up - NOT! Hahaha! There is always hope after those stupid words, because they are usually said in a time of absolute confusion and stupidity on the part of the WAS. My H returned to the M after saying those words, and more. I actually told him that there were times where I hated him for what he's putting us all through, but doesn't mean I really do - just a feeling at the time.
Anyway, don't focus on that, just work on yourself, and be at peace with who you are, no matter what stupid, dumb, choices your WAS makes. Good luck!
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
My H said those words 5 years ago when I was pregnant with our youngest child. We were separated for the last 5 months of my pregnancy and it was awful. He told me I was a terrible wife, that he never loved me, and that wanted a D. He had a girlfriend while we were separated, even. And yet, he came back and said to me that he always loved me and that he was just confused about his feelings because he was so depressed at the time.
Fast forward to now. 2 months ago, he said the same thing. "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I immediately said, "This is your depression speaking, we've been through this before." And he said, "No, this is the real thing. I'm done with this. It's over and there's NO CHANCE." Now, two months later, he's saying there's a chance for us, and we're seeing more of each other, he's affectionate most of the time, and he's indicated that he loves me but that he cannot SAY it right now. (Whatever!) Anyhow, the point is that you cannot believe what WAS say. They are usually confused, depressed, or in the midst of an affair that has them befuddled beyond all reason.
Chicago - marriages are not based on being "in love", they are based on loving.
Being in love is a temporary eupharia that only lasts a short time (2 years, tops). To love someone is to accept their faults and choose to stay. To be in love is to ignore their faults and is therefore unsustainable.
Whatever the WAS says, even if it's I don't love you anymore - it can change. Consider that (generally speaking), they did love us, they did say they would spend their lives with us....so clearly they CAN CHANGE THEIR MINDS. We just have to make sure we make it as easy as we can for them to change their minds again .
I agree with the X, Y, Z theory. Of all the divorced couples I have spoken to or heard about - many of those suggest that the WAS realized they had screwed up but by the time they did, the LBS was done and was unwilling to take them back. The question is, will you still be willing?
Yes, there are those that are done and never look back but I suspect that is more common when kids are not involved, or the communciations simply cease after S.
I hold out hope for all of us here b/c we are of the minority who are willing to look at ourselved as contributors to the failed R. We are willing to be introspective, to work on ourselves, and to be receptive to WAS changing their minds.
If nothing else, we will walk away knowing we did everything we could - that we left no stone unturned - and that we became better people in the process.
Hi there, I'm one of those bad people that once things got better, I forgot about the boards. I don't remember when the last time I came back to post was, but it's been a while. There is hope. I too heard those dreadful words in early March. I won't go into details, but now I stand here, almost August, and my husband has moved back in, we're happy together and are actively working on improving things. I can't stress enough how much this forum and Michele's books helped me. Yes, I also went to counseling, but it didn't help me nearly as much as Divorce Busting did. It not only helped my marriage, but also helped me value myself and take care of me, for a change.
Congrats Lucita. Please post more. Success stories are what keep may of us going. It would be very helpfull if you could post a post-mortum so we can learn what worked and didn't work for you.
My W never said those words, but she did write them in her journal so I guess that counts.
And I can tell you from my experience that yes there is hope even after hearing (or in my case reading) those words.
My W and I are improving so fast its making my head spin at times. I can't even tell you what caused the change of heart because we are just starting to talk about stuff like that. I don't push and listen and validate when she opens up about our past.
But just know that this can work.
The number one thing that my W told me about our recent past was that all the things that I did to invalidate her (things like snooping, pushing, arguing, pleading, etc.) only made her want to leave. When I pulled back and stopped those actions is when she started to come back to me. Just my two cents.
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