1. My Wife and I are sperated... heading full speed for divorce... He has no idea how long we have been seperated NOR does he know about the unresolved feelings we have with each other...
2. As a father I DO care about what happens to Kids even kids that are not my own
3. He is not a scumbag...
4. It is not a Guess about what he would do / feel my Ex told me he would drop her if she expressed any residual feelings towards me and I believe her from the look af fear in her eyes
This Guy is the real deal decent man... it is my EX who is not being upfront with him...
Having been hurt this bad... in the heart and soul I do not wish this on any other person... hence I DO care about this Guy even if it is just as a person.
Now I don't plan to send the letter... I just needed to get the word out of my head where I could get some support for my feelings...
My wife was SO gaurded with me last night... it hurt so bad... to see her protecting her loyalty to the new Guy of short term rather then her loving husband of long term...
If she was just "screwing" him thats one thing... what she is doing is proceeding full speed ahead with a relationship with him while trying to ignore what is still between us...
I have gotten some medication to help me now combo sleep / anti-deppresion...
Thanks for your "harshness" even tho I dissagree with alot of it ... it does help... the main point i will take away...
I'm glad you aren't sending the letter. I still don't agree with you analysis of the OM, but hey you have the right to think what you want and I respect that. One last dig, I truly believe love is not selfish, what the OM did, or is doing with W is selfish, pure and simple, so I'll leave it at that.
I'm glad you did write the letter though. I have found that journaling or writing things out seem to help when down in the dumps. I wish you well in you sitch.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
I couldn't agree more with the other posts. Definately a NO to sending the letter. From a womens POV, a man that is confident, and independant is VERY attractive. So, continue to be that man. In the beginning of a R, everyone is on their best behavior and "life" is easy, no responsibilities, no kids, no "chores." SO, let whatever decision she makes be HER decision NOT yours.
She sounds like she may come around if you don't act needy and desperate. Play it cool, be CONFIDENT!!
She says they just do the most normal things… buy groceries work in the garden…
The things I miss about having her around…
I am doing my best to figure out how to GAL but there is not much I like to do alone…
I had a good sleep this afternoon… but the black clouds are still around me…
I thought it through…
Last night I watched my “WIFE” close herself off to me and open herself to the new man…
That means the deathblow to my little family… when it looked like it was dead but there was a chance to resurrect it from the grave…
I know others have come back from more trying times… but unless the new “BF” pulls the plug my “WIFE” won’t…
If there is to be conflict with them It will come down to a problem with her schedule and the distance between them… but if she likes him enough and it looks like she does… She will change for him…
Until last night I believed otherwise because of her quest for a career… but she is going for him…
Hard to deal with this on a couple extra levels…
Where’s my Justice… she is able to find a “great” guy in such a short time that she matches so well with…
I know it was more of her issues that failed our marriage but it feels like the new “BF” is such a good match / catch similar interests etc.… that the loving husband is no comparison.
Makes me feel like a failure… on all levels because she claims he so much like me… except with the added bonus of all the fun stuff he does that she likes…
I’m not trying to wallow in self-pity… just understand and cope with these feelings that I had put away and was moving forward happily from… Then she opens to me just enough to bring it all back… and crash me back to dark places…
How do I move forward from here?
What do I need to do to reclaim my dignity… pride… self worth…
Hi Rok You don't know me. I went thru something similar to what you are going. Reading all your posts, I find the moment she makes a move towards you; you drop everything in your life and run back. Probably scaring her back to her shell. Has it ever occurred to you that she may want to chase you, but you never give her the opportunity to do that? My advice is to change your life for you – you cannot control her choices. Go out get involved in different projects for me it was taking dancing lessons and showing my wife I could live a life without her. Project an air of confidence. This will take time. So be patient and confident, be a true friend at the same time move and do things for you and your kids. Be happy around her – even fake it if it comes to that. Even if you loose battles to the OM, remember you want to win the war. And that is going to take time and will test you patience. Women do find confience attractive
I agree with Adwin, although I know it is easier said then done. First off, you should not know the details of her "other R." That can only be self defeating. I would stop her the next time she wants to "share" with you about him. I suspect she is curious of your response. She probably wants to make sure you are still interested so she can have her cake and eat it too. Have you read, "love must be tough?" I think that would be a good book for you.
We all like the thrill of the chase, so by you NOT playing hard to get/I have a life with out you.....is not helping your cause. Be the person she fell in love with years ago. What qualities/attributes did she find attractive in you then?
I still am... however she will NOT spend to time with me of any consequence...
Because she KNOWS she still loves me and that what I am doing is courting her and it will confuses her and will bring her back to me and wreck the "magical new funness" she has found... with “OM”
I am going to be much more difficult to get along with... not horrible but I will do things how I want.
Metaphorically I will rebuild my boundary’s with some nice thick walls with sharp spikes on them.
I am going to go back to short and dark way of dealing with her... If she wants me in her life she can dam well earn me if not she go to the hot place... two months of behavior like that is what brought her around in the first place…
She doesn’t like it one bit when I am indifferent towards her… will have to see how that changes things…
I have found my anger again... and I feel safe behind it again… This time I know what to look for to defend myself
I deserve far better then what she has done to me... I will not be her convenient friend...
An interesting thought I had tonight…
Come the fall our kids go back to school… BOTH of them… she will have EVEN less free time if she keeps her current schedule and lives here like she plans…
I wonder how “OM” will take an every other weekend romance…
On to GAL
Caught up on 5 hrs sleep this afternoon... feel much more stable...
After that I took a Long hard mountain Bike Ride through a local obstacle park... was quite fun and real good exercise... have been wanting to try it for a while...
Went for Super with Sis and BIL then out to play some billiards nice time... tired and distracted however...
Going to meet them and my parents for breakfast then play a round of golf so much of my Day will pass with the company of loved ones doing something...
Will keep me occupied…
Sunday Night will be tough being alone... knowing "EX" will be back in town... then
Monday night will be Kung Fu Class
Tuesday I get my Son back and have to see "EX" – if she doesn’t like this then I will let her know want me to be different then you be different and I will see how it goes.
I’m not going to be belligerent… I’m just not going to be a doormat
I was ok when I decided to end things with my "WAW" finally in Late April 06 and head for a divorce and move on with my life...
Then She came back when she realized she missed me and I was GONE totally from her and both of use believed I wasn’t going back...
But her actions and attitudes opened my old feelings...
I was OK, solid and heading towards a new life alone... Then she showed me the person I had been missing so much the playful fun friend who I had fallen in love with... was still there
So I began to spiral down into misery and depression knowing the person I still cared for was still out there and made worse because she has found another man and has chosen rather then to come back now and try to work things out to stay with him…
Made Further worse by the fact she was taking my Kids and staying overnight at his place so soon with them…
I felt like I was being replaced in EVERY way…
I hit a very bad place this past Friday after almost 7 –10 days of almost 0 sleep I was considering hurting myself…
I thankfully did not… instead I went and got help the next day… got some sleep and realized what I needed to do…
I contacted my “WAW” last night and asked her to come over… she was very reluctant… she was angry and defensive about me coming to see her at her place on Friday (despite the fact that it is my Kids house to – though I had made no move to visit them since the break in April)
I told her what was going on… she was shocked and sad … she said she was defensive because she felt being open and friendly with me made her feel guilty about her new relationship…
She was loosing sleep over it… something that never happens (Pretty sad when she feels worse about being with me then with a new man)… she said she was afraid to give anything to me… that I would “CLING” to it
I told her I know you are with a new guy… I give you my word I want nothing more from you then friendship… I won’t wreck what you have found there…
I replied we are just friends I wont go any further then that… any relationship stuff with us is done for now maybe forever…
I have looked up the information about rebound relationships… I believe she is in one however “serious” about it she is… I don’t think she has done the work on herself to be really ready for it yet…
I asked her to relax and be my friend to Text me if something funny happens she thinks I would like, or call me for the same reasons… have a quick chat with me when we exchange the kids… maybe supper…
She refused the supper out right saying it felt like she was playing house with her old family…
She replied lets just take it slowly… that she might do those things in a while…
I agreed… and asked her if she was going to apply for the very good opportunity job that would keep her on the same schedule…
She replied yes… So if she gets the job… come September when the kids go back to school she will have almost 0 free time to spend visiting her new “BF” without our kids to do the “fun” stuff that she likes him so much for…
She will buy her house in this town and I hope that he will get fed up with her schedule and want someone who is more available…
But that is a maybe…
What I know for certain about myself I’m not ready to have a new relationship…
I will go back to working on self-improvement and regaining my confidence the things that drew her to me to begin with. Things that will make me better on my own anyway.
