After a year apart, my ex started to contact me. After many IM convos..I admitted I still had feelings for him. He continued to contact me...but said he was with someone but he DID not love her. Then he pursued, pursued, pursued me. telling me he thought he saw me everywhere, missed me, never stopped loving me. He wanted to Web cam w/me, showed me he'd saved all the photos of my from our vacations, etc. So, I ASSUMED he'd broken up with her. Finally one day he came to my home and said he wanted to try again. But that he needed to talk to her first and that would take time. I emailed him and said I understood. Then he e'd back and said it would take QUITE SOME TIME. Well that made me blow my cork. I called him. She was there..he would not talk. I said I wanted to talk face to face by end of week. We did that..he said he did not want 'GUN TO HIS HEAD.' I agreed that was not good so we should come to a MUTUAL decision that would work for him. We agreed he would talk to her the next week. Next week came and went. Nothing.
I went to his condo..saw her purse/shoes on floor. He did not answer door so I left. As I was walking to car he called and said he would meet me in local coffee shop. I went, we talked, he was defensive. I said 'you are a man of honor and did not keep your promise..and got up to leave. He panicked and followed me and said 'Oh so you are LEAVING?'
I went to his condo, walked in the door (he followed) and told other women we needed to talk. And either (my ex) could tell her what had been going on for one plus months or I could. He gave her a watered down version of our 'reconnection'..stating this time that he did NOT love me..but was 'considering' reconcilliation we me. I started to laugh. He told me to leave, but she wanted to talk w/me privately..so we did.
I know I went to far, but I have BOUNDARIES and HE CROSSED THEM. Nobody 'held a gun to his head.' He said in his emails that he did not want to seem like a loser scumbag and she was 'nice' and he did not want to hurt her. I ALSO found out she is a good friend of one of his friends..so..since he is ALL about appearances, that was obviously an issue for him.
WHAT DO I DO NOW? I have not contacted him since. I have NO regrets about telling her as essentially he was stringing us both along. Have I blown it? I know he still cares (or did before my 'encounter' but am sure he's fuming now. Again tho, it needed to be done. He was being a coward and I felt he needed some 'tough love.' Having said that, I know men don't like to have their egos bruised.
notmars
"No problem was ever resolved at the same level at which it was created."
I know that they say that the OP is like an addiction and hard to let go of but I think your H took it to a whole new level.
Personally, if I had been in your shoes and my H had humiliated me and basically called me a liar in front of someone who he supposedly did not love, I would have turned around, walked out the door and kept driving. But that's just me... I personally hope and expect that someone who claim's that they loved me would also have my back, so to speak. I actually experienced something like this last year when my ex's GF started an arguement with me for no reason and I refused her attempts at drawing me in, my ex actually came to my defense and told her to shut the F up. It was a beautiful moment and I got to watch GF go into absolute psycho mode that he stood up for me. That was being respectful.
I'm a firm believer in actions speak louder than words. His actions are dumbfounding to me. He's gone to all the trouble of pursuing you and then here you are and he asks you to leave? Wow talk about wanting his cake and eating it too.
Some of the most important components of a loving relationship are trust, respect, admiration...
Actually under the circumstances as unfortunate as they were, I think you did handle yourself quite lovely and admirably. Akward situation no doubt.
Wonder what the OW is thinking right about now? Wonder if she told him off and high tailed it out of there.
I think the main thought here is what do YOU want. You sound quite level headed and realistic here. And regarding boundaries... what boundaries do you have in place if he makes contact and wishes to come back? What will you deem repsectable and acceptable behaviour from him?
I think my hotheadedness (normal under the 'circumstances') could serve to push him right back into her arms. But it that is the case, then I do not want him anyway. And yes, I am dumbfounded that he would seek me out and then be too spineless to tell a woman he CLAIMS not to love, that their short relationship was over. In any case, I also assume that when things calm down, he will panic that I am, indeed gone. My 180 is going to be to lay very, very low and see what he does. Meanwhile, I am going on with my life as if he no longer exists. Right now, I am very, very angry with him for being so stupid and completely spineless. Valuing her feelings over mine was just pure idiocy.
notmars
"No problem was ever resolved at the same level at which it was created."
Well since I wasn't there I can't vouch for the hotheadeness either way ;-)
However, you do seem to understand boundaries, which it seems is going to be very important if you decide that you will be willing to take him back. This man should not necessarily be kissing your feet, however your needs at this point in time over OW's should be coming first if he is trying to show through actions that he truly wants to make a go of things... the way his explanation came across to OW sounds almost as if he was willing to attempt to reconcile to make YOU happy.
There was a time when ex had me confused. We had talked and he mentioned that something giving the impression that he wished me to end his R with OW. I didn't know how to take it and so I phoned my DB Coach and he explained to me that it was very important that HE end the R with her and then come back to me... otherwise, if I had intervened on his behalf and he did come back home and things did not work out he could go back to OW and say See I told you so, it would never work but now she knows and now I am free to be with you. SO I layed low... ended up turning my back on the whole thing and moved forward with my life.
I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that he was more than willing to have me 'end it' for him. He's always been pretty spineless. Even the OW said that when we talked. Ugh..WHAT did I see in this man? What woman wants a weak man? I had a good evening tonight. Threw out all momentos, burned photos, did some cleaning. I just had to. There is a fine line between love and hate, and I have crossed the line. I realize tomorrow I could be down in the dumps again. But while I am feeling this way..I am going with it. Feels good to get my power back. Even for a little while.
notmars
"No problem was ever resolved at the same level at which it was created."
WHY do we even try with these people? What a waste of time! Do we honestly think there are no others who will love us and understand us in this world? Some people are just bad for us and a waste of energy. Ugh..was so strong yesterday..filled w/anger for him. Now just want to know WHY he did what he did. No reason for it. WHY did he come back to me, before he broke it off w/her? I didn't entice him into it. My life was going along fine. None of this makes any sense and I just want it to end. I wish he'd never come back and I wish I'd never considered taking him back. He has crushed two nice women w/his greed and stupidity. And of course, we know he's sitting there angry with me for airing his dirty laundry. HA..that's the best part. Ha..funniest thing is "Mr. Nice Guy" prides himself on being upstanding and honest. Right. I've never met a bigger liar or cheat.
notmars
"No problem was ever resolved at the same level at which it was created."
Day four of no contact. Should I keep going? I'm finding amazing strength in friends. I KNOW he's expecting me to call..so perhaps doing a 180 and not calling is the way to go. Besides..I'm sure he's VERY angry with me. Which, I don't really care about. He's stomped on me for too long. I don't even respect myself at the end. BUT I SURE RESPECT MYSELF NOW. Thoughts? Keep going on NC?
notmars
"No problem was ever resolved at the same level at which it was created."
Hmm. Funny thing has happened. I have totally, completely shut down emotionally. I don't think I even want him back. The Mousey OW is WELCOME to the Heap of Dysfunction I used to think of as a man. I've lost weight, I'm exhausted, and thrown myself into work. I hardly even thought about it today. Yes, I am filled with overwhelming disgust on absolutely every level for him. But it's not twinged w/longing like it was the first time he whacked out on me. Is it possible they push you so far that they break something in you emotionally and there IS no going back? I deserve better. Why waste anymore time? Of course, this is the precise time the freak will probably come back. : )
notmars
"No problem was ever resolved at the same level at which it was created."
Ugh..WHAT did I see in this man? What woman wants a weak man? I had a good evening tonight. Threw out all momentos, burned photos, did some cleaning. I just had to. There is a fine line between love and hate, and I have crossed the line. I realize tomorrow I could be down in the dumps again. But while I am feeling this way..I am going with it. Feels good to get my power back. Even for a little while.