My take? - Ask his mom if H ever was treated before for any psych issues. Don't tell her about the email, just say he's been acting strangely and you're worried about him. If he attempted suicide as a teen, or had a psychotic break, that might be important to know in light of his current sitch.
- If you're really worried about him, just ask HIM what he wants. Say "I can see that you're not doing very well and I'm worried about you. Are you going to be okay if we move out? Would you prefer that I postpone moving out for a while?" What's another 3 or 6 months if it keeps him from suicide?
NM, as the husband of a bipolar woman (who in November of 2004 was convinced that she was Satan), let me strongly advise you not to ask him about any past problems. I also wouldn't ask his mom. It really doesn't matter, because an affair is really a kind of mental illness in itself.
My advice to you is the same as it's been for months: get some distance between you. I really think that SO will change, but he's going to have to face reality, which will not happen until you are gone.
You cannot "rescue" him from his sitch, NM. He's going to have to want help before you can give it to him. Read this page if you're worried about him being suicidal or something. Don't be manipulated by his weirdness.
Quote: let me strongly advise you not to ask him about any past problems. I also wouldn't ask his mom. It really doesn't matter, because an affair is really a kind of mental illness in itself.
While I agree that the WAS is usually experiencing a form of mental illness, most often depression, I DO think it might be worthwhile to find out the past history, because it makes a difference in how you would proceed. If that was a history of depression, you might be able to use that information to encourage him to seek treatment by reminding him of how it helped then. If it is a history of psychosis or mania, that would be important information to convey to his doctor and you would know what to watch for.
Well, to be honest with you guys, I'm doing nothing. Looking at it today, I don't feel it's my problem. I will talk with his mom or dad, next chance I get, but I'm not going out of my way to call so as not to raise any alarms.
Ellie, thanks for your input, as always. RB, thanks for the web site. I spent a lot of time reading over it last night. NNP - thanks for your continued support.
I think it is time for me to be tough. I will move out. If God wishes it - I.E., if either of the rentals are offered to me, I will take the 1st one. Should they fall through, I will continue on as if I will be moving out locally and go back to work - just like I would be doing when living on my own. I'm going to keep looking for a rental in D7's school district (which starts 9/6) and enroll D3 into pre-school (which also has a deadline & runs the same as the school district schedule).
I can't keep up this seemingly eternal limbo life. I need to make the best decisions for me and the girls; today I strongly believe it to be for us to move out . SO needs to deal with his demons and his problems on his own. At this point, while I still love him and care about him very, very deeply, I don't think I'd be able to "get back" with him (not that he's indicated that or anything) unless he starts some kind of therapy. And, I really don't think he'll do it. So, what's that say?
And, I am very worried about him and his mental state. I also worry what will happen when we do move out. He was crying the other night saying he can't be alone; doesn't know how to be alone. So - yes, I am worried about that. I'm not a shrink - I don't know which is the best thing to do - move or stay.
When I read the detachment page, something jumped out at me:
"Being detached seems so cold and aloof. You can't be that way when you love and care for a person. It's either 100% all the way or no way at all."
I've struggled with this for such a long time and have not been able to figure out the correct formula of detaching without losing the love.
Well, as I'm typing this, the realtor (from my hometown) just called and said the owner decided to go with the other man who looked at the house, and she even said it was because of the fact that the house is for sale and this was a single man as opposed to a family. Damn.
I also see the rental application and credit report are back on the kitchen table - not filled out by SO (for the local rental). Guess I better get on it.
All right - opinions needed. The more I read, the more I believe SO to be suffering from major depression - most of the criteria are there. Yet, most everything I read says he won't listen to me if I suggest anything like therapy, etc. Is this correct? Do I just sit back and watch him continue to spiral downward?
I know I'm probably going to get blasted because the following admission is one of complete anti-DB behavior on my part. I couldn't help it - *I* am almost to the end of my wits. But anyway - here goes:
Last night I actually did yell at him - yeah yelled. Told him he needs to get help for his obsessive compulsive manic behavior. Sometimes, it seems like he listens. I say this because he started questioning what I thought he did that was crazy behavior. I said "you harassed this girl until she called the cops on you"; and "You've done the same things to me". Pointed out some of the irrational behaviors he has been displaying (no - I didn't admit to knowing he's using his mothers email to pretend to be the mother to OW); pointed out his repeated comments on how he wishes he was dead (he says this to me at least once a day).
I also told him I had been thinking about him being in therapy and how I wasn't even sure that he would be able to do it. I said - if it's a man (counselor), I said I don't think you'll open up to a man - you'll be afraid to show him your weaknesses - you'll be afraid of looking like a lesser man than he is. Then I said, well, if it's a woman, if she's hot - you'll probably hit on her. So, what if it's an older woman? You'll see her as a motherly type and how he despises his own mother and mother figures. Quite frankly he was stunned when I said this to him.
So, yeah - I said all the wrong things. He said again he just wishes he was dead and doesn't know how to go on or why he should. I told him he has the 3 best reasons in the world to go on (our kids) and they should be his guiding light.
OK - this always happens, lol. His mom called a little while ago. I broke down and told her everything I knew. Her response - nothing nice; nothing helpful and nothing good to say about him. Gosh, and I wonder why he is the way he is. With a mother like that. Dammit all anyway.
Guys, I don't know what to do. I am so emotionally wrecked, I can't think straight. SO went away for the weekend at my suggestion. Presumably with a MF. Well, SIL called and said the OW was there. OK whatever, but I lose it with him. Ugly scenes have occurred, complete with W calling here and speaking with me last night where I proceeded to tell her everything I knew. Now, remember, she called the cops on him last week, he broke into his mothers email and was corresponding with her as his mother.
Well, none of this matters - because I was so anti-DB and did everything that I shouldn't have. He's pushed me and verbally abused me to the point I feel like I am going to crack. Seriously. I can't take it anymore. I can't take any of this anymore and I don't know what to do.
He's due back here sometime this afternoon and I'm to the point that I want to put a restraining order against him - that's how bad all of this has gotten. I have no money to leave; my Explorer is broken and needs to go in the shop for repair (no brakes) - so I don't have a vehicle big enough for all 3 kids and me to go stay anywhere.
I fear when he gets back, he's going to verbally start in on me. He's reduced me to tears, to the point of hyperventilating this weekend - he's being cruel and mean and spiteful. He won't just leave me alone. And I don't know what to do or how to handle this. I've already pushed him back into the arms of OW; and that's fine at this point. I can not compete with his feelings that *I* am standing in the way of their happiness. Yes, that's what he's told me. And so did she.
I have an application in on a rental - but haven't heard anything yet. I am willing to move out - I've not tried to hamper that in any way - but he's still being emotionally vindictive. In the meantime, until I find another place to live so they can be "in love" with me "out of the way" - I can't take his physical presence anymore. Or the phone calls, or the texts, or him sleeping next to me in bed. I can't do it.
The restraining order will completely infuriate him. But I'm more concerned with my OWN sanity at this point. I'm so emotionally distraught, it's difficult even for me to care for the kids. As far as any R with him goes, I know now that I need to completely remove myself from his life or he will just continue to blame me for everything bad that he perceives that I'm the cause of.
I know no one can help me make this decision. But advice & opinions are desperately needed.
I've seen similar actions in my WAW...and I am also concerned like you are, and wrestling with what to do. If I intervene, I play into the hands of, "the controlling husband." If I do nothing, she will crash eventually...I just hope nothing serious happens. I worry about my kids as well...and the impact her behavior has on them. Just requires a lot of love and patience. I wish you luck...he does need professional help (good professioinal...because there are many bad ones out there, as I've learned).
My situation...
David Me-46, Ex-46, S-15, S-17, divorced after 20 years, she filed June '06 Mediated divorce in Feb. 07 50/50 custody
Right now I'm so torn....I'm making myself sick. On one hand, I've reached the end of my rope. I can't take the emotional & verbal abuse any more. To stop that, I have involve the police.
On the other hand, I'm petrified of doing that. Why, I guess because I know it will be "the end".
This is what I've been reduced to. Being fearful of doing ANYTHING.
