I am a 26 year old divorcee. My ex and I dated for a year and a half before marrying. Four months after we were married we discovered that he had stage four cancer. We had always had a strong relationship and did the entire time we were married.
After a year of treatment he was luckily in remission. It was a tough and emotional time for us both being newly married. We made it work. But it did have effects on both of us. I had started experiencing a lot of panic attacks and he was just plain worn out. Still we made plans to carry on.
Six months after his last treatment we were going to celebrate our 2nd anniversary. We had talked about having children and because I was panicky and he had a risk of birth defects from chemo he did not want to have children. I resented this, looking back becuase I thought it was my "reward" for getting through such a tough couple of years. Life would be back to normal. I had lost a part of myself and was not as confident as I wanted. When we went to celebrate our 2nd anniversary I found out that he felt I had not been there for him while he was sick. That he worried more about me than he did himself.
He told me he was done and filing for divorce. I was shattered. He went to his parents house and did not want to communicate. I was angry and could not look past not having kids or the fact he felt I was not "present". After a week, we talked but I was angry and so was he. He insited on counseling. We went and even though I needed him, I told him he could not come home. I even told him I did not want to fix it. After three weeks, he again asked if I wanted to work on it. I said no. I was crushed because we had gotten through one of the worst things I had ever imagined happening and suddenly he was not ok with it. He did say he wanted to work on it.
I left and moved back to my home state. He did file papers. We had no contact besides one phone call. I drove half way back several times but thought for sure that he was done. He has always been a man of his word. The divorce was final last August. He had asked that I did not contact him so I didn't but continued to drive and turn around.
It has been a long year. Good in many ways, hurtful in many ways. I took a long time to think things through from his point of view as well as my own. I manage my panic attacks now, and feel a huge amount of self respect for myself. I know he only ever wanted me to be happy for myself. He had his part in it too.
A month ago, I texted him and sent him a short message asking about his health and happiness. He replied back he was fine and cancer free. I reflected a long time before sending him a message about chatting and having a real conversation without rehashing and rehashing. I told him I did not know what to expect but that I wanted to at least try and talk.
A week passsed before he added me to his messenger. We had about a total of 20 cordial lines before we signed off. I emailed him again asking to talk. A few days later we chatted long and hard for 8 hours. There was a lot of hurt but a lot of love as well. I took responsibility for my wrong doing's, we joked around, we talked about sex, we talked about nothing. We talked an hour about meeting on a weekend. He told me he still cared for me and in an indirect way that he missed me. But he does not know if he could trust me. He said initally it would be a one time thing, later to say he was not sure. But I could sense his hurt. After telling me I was never committed, he opted to go to sleep. I asked to talk again sometime soon.
I sent him another email after a grueling day of wondering what to do. Procede with caution, blow it off and move on, or go for the gusto? I have never stopped loving him. He said himself that none of our problems were big enough to call for divorce. He said he would have done anything. I believe him. Unforuntaly, all I saw was that he had left me and was upset. I had given him time and felt I needed more time. I walked before even giving it a secound chance.
I would like to meet, talk or anthing that would give me insight. But I want to be real. Has anyone ever gone through this type of situation? Any advice on proceeding? I feel lost and do not want to cross a line with him before I even have a chance.
Hi there. This sounds like a divorce that definetely could have been avoided. I felt the same way for my wife. Sometimes pride or bitterness over what the other one did can come in the way of how we really feel. You sould like a great woman and that he is a really good guy. Don't play any games and hold resentment. Just work on communication and expressing what you each really feel. He also needs to work on this. He could have told you early on about his feelings and didn't. Hey, we all make mistakes. I did too! Just learn from the mistakes. Both of you can learn from this and handle it in a more loving way next time.
I'm happy for you two. It sounds like a window is open for working on a relationship again.
PS - what you both went through with the cancer can be very stressful and hard on a relationship. Thank God that he's ok now and hope you both have much happiness in the future.
Your sitch sounds exactly like mine did 20 years ago...except the divorce thing. I'm a guy and spent 9 months in chemo and radiotherapy. My W wasn't there for me. I was disappointed that she was not strong enough to support me. I'd be laying in bed, vomitting my guts out into a bucket and she would walk up, close the door and go back to what she was doing. She couldn't deal with it at all. It wasn't that she was insensitive or didn't care, she just couldn't deal with it. It was only later that I'd hear that she would go to our best man and wife's place and cry her heart out for hours.
I resented her weakness and lack of support. As soon as my treatment was done and the doctors told me all I had left was scar tissue where the tumors had been, I rejoined my rock band and we 'temporarily' move to another state. For 4 months, I had left my W behind, didn't even stop to think of her because I was having so much fun. I even resumed my career and as a happy 24 year old, I was living with my birth family and life was looking good. W pursued me and my mother urged me to bring her across. In hindsight, that was a HUGE mistake and my mother has regretted that advice ever since.
The last 20 years have been tough. Because of the chemo, I lost my ability to father children. Took the option of donor insemination. Another emotional crisis I had to deal with. It's been a comedy of errors ever since. For before I got married, I was a happy and healthy 22 year old with the whole world at my feet. For the last 22 years, all I have had is misery with this woman and I have had enough of it.
Perhaps I am painting a picture of a probable future for you. I can completely understand your xH and how he feels. While he is in remission, he still has 4 or 5 years of being this way before he is clear to look forward to a becoming an old man one day. Having survived cancer myself, it places a huge and daily emotional strain on you daily if not hourly.
Your xH is at a very vulnerable point, the best way you can help him is to give him the gift of time and space to see his own way forward. Just remember, this is not about you, it's about him, his disappointment with you and whether he will make it through or not.
In sickness and in health, for richer or poorer.....it goes something like that. When it came to sicker and poorer, my W is a complete failure. She never took the opportunity to learn from what she had done. I sincerely hope that you do.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Congrats on your health! I do want to clarify that I was there physically and mentally..just not enough. I went to treatments, worked, sat up at night while he was sick. I don't know if he will want another chance or not, but it seems like I cant pass up the chance to find out. Like I said, the children thing was hard, but not the end of the world, I knew that it was an option when he took chemo. I just didnt like it becuase it isnt fair. And frankly, it wasnt fair he got sick either. But that is life and he is a survivor with me or with out me. I don't know how to approach him with all of this. Any advice?
I was reading over your post again. And wanted to mention that I know what it is like to be the wife and cry and cry and then be strong in front of your spouse. I also know that not fessing up my feelings has cost me an incredible amount. We have both agreed that if anything else, if we meet at least it will be with respect.
"I also know that not fessing up my feelings has cost me an incredible amount."
This is just my opinion and I hope it isn't the same in your sitch. However, it is my view that when there is a major, major crisis such as cancer where the affected spouse goes through the process of initial diagnosis, seemingly endless testing to stage the disease then, several forms of treatment over a period of time. Honestly, the healthy spouse is given the opportunity to show who they really are. My opinion is that it is one chance only because and particularly in the early stages of a M/R, their response will shape the remainder of your time together.
"I do want to clarify that I was there physically and mentally..just not enough."
Here lies the problem....the "just not enough" part. A cancer patient has limits over how much care, intervention and support they require. A cancer patient also needs time alone to reflect and visualize a positive future. A supportive spouse would help them see that future clearer. If someone is too caring, they will tell you. But, at a time when you need love and hope, to be not there enough just means that you have chosen the wrong person to be with.
Why I endured 20 years with someone that was the wrong person? Because I didn't believe in divorce. My family instilled in me values the meant you stick with it and tomorrow will be a brighter day. Well, after 20 years, the brighter day didn't come. Plus, I got sick all over again last year, nowhere as serious as cancer but enough to go through a difficult period. And again, my W wasn't there. This time, she was resentful that I wasn't fulfilling her needs. Whilst I could forgive and get past the disappointment of her abscence 20 years ago at my time of need, to see her repeating that behavior was a complete show stopper. I wish her the best and I will expediate the D as soon as it is legally possible.
From reading your sitch, it is my view that there is hope that you and your H can get past this but this is going to take an incredible commitment from you. If you can demonstate that commitment, your xH will I believe, forgive you but he will never forget which is fair enough. From that point on, even if he develops a sniffle, his eyes will be on you. If you respond as you believe you should, then in times of your own illness, for his appeciation, he will pamper you more than a princess.
The only advise that I can give you is if you decide to be change and become an unconditionally loving and supportive life partner to your husband, please and I beg of you, do not revert back otherwise, you will be setting yourself and your H for more pain.
You need to go through some incredibly deep introspection to understand why your response to his illness was substandard. I would assume the reason resides in deep centered fears and as part of your own rehabilitation, you will need to tackle those fears. Perhaps you should consider volunteering to do some work with cancer patients so that you can give back something that you know you failed to give before. I don't know but I do know that not confronting your fears gets you nowhere fast.
Fix yourself before you can fix the R. That's the best advise I can give you.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
I'm sure you were there for him. Sometimes the one going through the treatments,etc., just doesn't see things clearly. I was there for my mom during her cancer. We can be there for them, but may feel like we should have done more, even while we tried so hard to help.
Regarding future kids. Just give it some time for him to know for sure that the cancer is gone and that he's feeling better about his life. If it comes to this. My best friend had cancer and said he would never have kids because he would want to make sure that he could be there for them and that they would be ok. Now he looks at it differently and would like to possibly have a kid someday.
Thank you again for your talking to me. As someone who has had cancer I know you understand what he was going through. I don't think I made it clear that the ex always said that I was his best support until the day we fought. So what I meant by "not enough" was that I did not know he needed more. I spent countless days talking, cheering, and pumping him up. He went into it with the idea that he was coming out a survivor and with family and friends he did just that.
I have taken a year to reflect on what happened. I got an email back from him last night saying that he was glad for the honesty and he was happy our 8 hour chat did not become a test of endurance.
I know he is happy that I can see what he meant by not being there. I did do the best I could while he was sick. I did anything and everything he asked of me. I dont think that I was prepared for the "after cancer" part.
I was so blindsighted and happy that he was better that I wanted to gets things back to normal. Even up to 2 weeks before we fought and he left we had solid plans about moving to a new area and buying a house.
There is nothing that I want more than to be with him again. I made the mistake of copping out and not letting the anger run off of me before I left as well.
When we were talking the other night via chat, he again said that no problems that we had were big enough to ruin us. I know that too. What I dont know is how to go about making it right. Maybe it never will be and I can accept that as a possibility.
How can I make it obvious that I want it to be a new start? I have thought about visiting (2 states away) or moving back, setting up my own place and waiting him out. I know he needs to see a big committment from me and I am willing to do that. Frankly, if I moved there, and it did not work out at least I could know that I gave it my all and have respect in that.
I am good with my new life but it will never be the same without him. I am comfortable with myself now, and feel very little anger towards him. I simply want to work it out.
You are indeed a remarkable wowan and you speak great words. I'm picking up from your postings that you are incredibly defensive of your role in the breakup. In my experience, it's this sort of defensiveness that is rooted in denial. You cannot move forward if you live in denial and you can only and genuinely move forward if you accept that you didn't do the best you could have in the 50% of the relationship that you were responsible for.
It seems to me that you still need to forgive yourself first before you can expect to be forgiven.
Where you live is your choice however, it is expected that if you are closer together then the chances are strong that you'll start to grow together once again. BUT THIS IS NOT THE ANSWER. It is you, your failings in the past and the denial that you are living in that is robbing you of a successful reconcilliation.
I stand by all the advice that I have given you, especially the volunteer work. Do all this first before you pack your bags.
Good luck,
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
You're support and advice really mean a lot to me during this time. I can say that I am defensive about my part but I am also trying very hard to be clear that I have owned up to my mistakes. I think your suggestion of visiting cancer patients is wonderful. I took care of my dad when he has sick with cancer until he passed away. I have worked with hospice patients as well. My point is that being with someone who has cancer is tough too. Both of us were dealing with cancer, him being the primary one.
I have forgiven myself for not doing my part. I don't know if he can forgive me. I cant make him. I accept that as well. What I feel is truly lacking is an understanding of where he would consider going. I am more than willing to humble myself, take the time we need to make it work again. I simply don’t know the best way to go about it.
As I mentioned, I am more than willing to do what it takes. Even if that means letting go. I like to think I have more spunk than that though-- no one gets anywhere by wishing. No amount of words can make up for anything. Action over time can though.
From the day I met him I knew he was the one for me. I moved from two states away sight unseen to where he relocated to( he had been traveling for work full time before that)We had met, talked online a LOT but only seen each other a handful of times. I am not a person to sit and wonder what if this and what if that. I simply got in my car, said a prayer and knew that worst come to worst there were plenty of homeless shelters. But it was all worth the risk.
How did you and your wife reconcile the first time? What made it work other than the fact you did not believe in divorce?
