I just really want to affirm the M&V stuff as you talk to your H. This is one of the things I learned with my SO, and where I know I failed miserably the first time around. Praise, praise, praise. Every time H does something you appreciate, let him know, in short, sweet, simple and direct terms.
yes, yes, yes. M&V really helped knock our M off of a plateau when DB'ing had worked great but I still wasn't getting the intimacy that I was looking for...I'm actually pretty good at the praise piece and the support piece, too. What I'm NOT good at (and it's an unfortunate thing given our current stage) is understanding the differences between Martians not offering help and Venusians not wanting to ask for it. We've had quite a few minor issues of late where I end up stewing because I've been juggling the kid for hours without a break and she's screaming again or needs to be changed and h is lying there next to me not doing anything! I end up snarling "would you please help me?!" and he ends up astonished that I'm irked since I could have asked for help all along!
I think we're both making much more of an effort though, in the last few days...he's offering to relieve me much more frequently and I'm doing better making reasoned requests. I do think one thing that helped was that after a few days of getting no sleep and having him have a mini breakdown, I suggested he take a night off with no resentment or worries from me...doing that seemed to make a big difference.
One thing I also forget in the heat of the moment is how frustrated h can get when he doesn't think he can solve a problem easily...it masks itself as anger, irritation, an unwillingness to even try...when it's really the feeling that he might not succeed....and you KNOW how challenging solving the "problem" of a newborn's cries can be! It explains why at times he seems unwilling to tackle that aspect of what's needed.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: One thing I also forget in the heat of the moment is how frustrated h can get when he doesn't think he can solve a problem easily...it masks itself as anger, irritation, an unwillingness to even try...
I've noticed this with DH. Everytime he gets an odd message on the PC or it acts up at all, he would get really worked up and keep demanding to know what's wrong with it. While I'm working on it--which usually meant that I didn't have an answer yet. Every couple of seconds... "What is that?" "What does that mean?" "What are you doing?" Ack!
I finally asked him the other day why he gets so mad at the PC when it doesn't work. I was surprised when he told me he wasn't mad--just panicked. He could have fooled me, since he sure sounded mad.
Not a good day today...h and I are walking "around" each other...something that hasn't happened in a long time.
Why? Ah, 'cause I'm too stubborn to just act "as if" right now? 'cause he is? 'cause we're both tired and irked and could use a break but aren't willing to give the other one?
My girl is 11 weeks old today. She's gorgeous and sweet and a delight. She also nurses every 2.5 hours round the clock and since up until a few days ago, h was still in law school, I've been handling every feeding and 95% of her care. I alluded to this some post or other but I have to ASK for all help, it seems...mars and venus, I know, but how great would it be to hear him say "let me take her for a while so you can get some rest, pee, read for 10 minutes, throw in a wash, etc."
OK, we're in the same room now and since I was crying while I wrote the above, I decided to just tell him what was bothering me which isn't even what I wrote above....it's that yesterday, on my first mom's day, he did nothing. No acknowledgement, even, that it was mother's day for ME too until he heard me talking with Charlotte telling her that next year she would make me a card at daycare. I know he didn't do it to hurt me..it was just an oversight but I can't believe it.
crud. my sweetie is beckoning...gotta go. Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Yeah, this is totally a Mars/Venus thing. Other than the talk with your baby, did you drop any hints for H prior? Or just tell him straight-out?
I know how the asking straight-up for what we want feels a bit out of our comfort zone for we Venusians. But at the same time, we cannot blame our beloved Martians for not being able to read our minds.
And remember, once we start asking our Martians for specifics, we have to be prepared for no action, initially. Be sure to use "will" and "would" language. This language implies a choice and prevents the requests from coming off as demands or nagging. "Can" and "could" imply the inability (e.g. "No, I can't, because I have a broken arm," etc.).
I know it doesn't seem fair to have to do right now, but Martians need to hear respect from their beloved Venusians. Is there anything you can say or point to, right now, to give him the strokes? Let him know how proud you are of him? How much you respect him? I'm guessing finishing law school is no small feat. Did you tell him he is your hero for getting through it all in one piece?
I don't have kids myself, so I can't speak from any personal experience, but I can say that this is a new realm for both of you and the "rules" and expectations are unfolding almost as we speak (type?). How about if you two get a babysitter and go out for a nice dinner together and talk things through? Sounds like you could both use a break...and a little extra attention.
Sage, my dear (you're not floating away in these rains, btw, are you???) - Just a couple thoughts - - yes, you need to find a way to spend time with H. I know how hard those first months can be with a baby that doesn't sleep! Now that school is out, perhaps it will be easier to find a little smidgen of "couple time".
- yes, many guys are clueless about the importance of recognizing certain milestones. Also, some guys have this funny "but you're not MY mother" attitude towards Mother's Day (btw, did H remember HIS mom, or did he blow her off too?). Still, the thought that rings in my mind is "we teach people how to treat us". After a somewhat less than what I expected Mother's Day myself yesterday, I'm realizing the bad effects of my habit of being too undemanding over the years.
I've always been the one that understood if H was just too busy to shop, or whatever. Now, don't get me wrong, H CAN be quite thoughtful - but he can also drop the ball sometimes. Once in a while, when things are just crazy - okay, I'm no primadonna, I can deal with that. But I realize now I really let H off the hook way too often, so that now I am disappointed and he can't figure out what my problem is, because I was always okay with it before when he didn't really step up to the plate. (And yes, I will admit, I definitely feel after the affair that he OWES it to me to make a big deal of things like Mother's Day etc. )
So.....since you are at the beginning of this journey, you will need to figure out what you want, and teach H how to treat you. Before you embark on this, you need to figure out which kind of Mother's Day you want. There are two schools of thought - "I want to be fawned over and served while I sit like a Princess with my kids and adoring H around me and do no cooking or dishes or cleaning all day" school of thought, or the "I want the day completely off to go shop and get a massage without worrying about the kids or my H" school of thought. Both approaches are equally valid - you just want to figure out how you want to spenmd the next 20 Mother's Days.
Once you've decided - then declare to H that NEXT Sunday is actually Mother's Day, and you expect A) breakfast in bed, flowers, a card and a gift, and he will cook dinner and do the dishes, or B) he will clean the house and take care of the baby while you go for a massage and a pedicure and meet some girlfriends for a movie (okay, so you might have to stop to pump some breast milk somewhere in there).
Don't make him feel too bad about it - just let him know this is important to you, so he gets a "do-over" next Sunday.
Then make sure you reciprocate on Father's Day!!!!
You sound tired. I won't cover whate everyone else has already sound. My best guess is that you could use a little break and good nap more than anything.
Aw Sage - I suggest when you can, go get yourself something to mark your first mothers day. I have to say though, that NG shares many of the forgetfulness that your H and Ellies H seem to be plagued with.
But I realize now I really let H off the hook way too often, so that now I am disappointed and he can't figure out what my problem is, because I was always okay with it before when he didn't really step up to the plate. (And yes, I will admit, I definitely feel after the affair that he OWES it to me to make a big deal of things like Mother's Day etc. )
Ahem, this describes us to a tee too. I used to be understanding, and now I feel that maybe it contributed to the situation. Certainly I intend to be more explicit about what I expect - great advice Ellie.
The first step in making any wish come true is giving it a voice. Sounds pretty easy, if only it was. Many times I have to remind myself that H is busy and works hard too, and if we switched places for even just a day we would appreciate what we each do a lot more. You know, walk a mile in another persons shoes.
Sage, put a voice to your wishes, take a few hours in between feedings for just you, or some time together with H.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
My best guess is that you could use a little break and good nap more than anything.