Update: Phone rang at 8.53am. I don't answer before 9am ever, so I waited till 9am. It was ex. He left a message for me to call him. I called him and it was really weird because it didn't ring first. He had already picked up the handset to call somebody else and instead of it being engaged, like you'd expect, I got through, so when he was trying to dial out, there was me on the line instead!
He said 'who's there?' I said 'It's me!' He said 'Oh. It didn't even ring. I was dialling someone else.' So I asked him what he wanted and he said he was decorating his dining room and he had paint and stuff everywhere and could he postpone his visitation with DD4?
I said yes.
Then he asked 'Can I come over to yours some time just to say hi to her?'
I said yes, if he did it some time over the weekend, as during the week I am out at various times and couldn't say when I would be in, so if he dropped by during the week, it may be a wasted journey.
He said okay, fair enough.
I said 'Well, I guess I'll see you at some point over the weekend, then.' This was my signing off statement and I was about to put the phone down, when he said
'Have you heard from your gynaecologist?' I said no. David is writing up a letter about the consultation, with his phone number on, which I have not recieved yet, but I was seeing him again on the 26 May.
Andy said 'Well, when they have pinned down exactly what is causing this, you can get your own treatment, right?'
I was cringing when he said this, as I've decided to follow dr's advice in this instance, and am already taking the nortript, lidocaine etc. I told him that the conditions are quite 'new' so a lot of alternative therapists don't know how to treat it, but that the dr had mentioned accupuncture as a route to go down if we don't get anywhere. I told him it had only taken me about 3 weeks to get a hospital appointment, unheard of normally as you usually wait 6 months.
He asked why did I decide to go now. The last time I saw a dr about this, I was 19. I said because I joined a support group and found there were new treatments now and that I discovered one of my symptoms - itching - is not a symptom of VS so that worried me.
He said, 'But you've always had itching.'
I said 'I know, but I read it was not related to VS and apparently one of the first symptoms of vulval cancer is itching so I wanted to make sure it wasn't. I read that over 360 women in the UK died from vulval cancer in 2004, and I wanted to make sure I wasn't one of the future statistics.'
He said 'Wow, that's a lot of women!'
I told him the consultant didn't think it was, as my skin looked healthy, but he still couldn't explain what was causing this symptom.
He said 'what is it, then, an auto-immune disease?'
I said , 'They aren'tsure, but they think so as all the women who took part in studies had low levels of white blood cells as opposed to the healthy controls, so that would indicate an auto-immune problem.'
He said, 'Why can't they do something to elevate your white blood cell count, then?'
I said, 'They don't, normal treatment is hydrocortisone and anti-depressant painkillers.'
He said, 'That's going to wreck your immune system even more.'
I said, 'Maybe, but these days they know more and they've had successes with shutting down the nerve function, so I want to try it, at least.'
Then I said, 'Well, I'm sure you're sick of hearing about my gynae problems, so I'll let you get on with your decorating.'
He laughed and said 'see ya soon.'
I am still somewhat surprised by his friendliness.
Well guys, Andy sent me a text message saying he was still decorating so couldn't make it over and to apologise to DD4. He said he wanted to stop by tomorrow, but as I am out taking DD4 to nursery and things, he likely won't. He's not a morning person.
I was relieved today because I wasn't terribly great and I don't think I could have had the mindset to have him round.
I'm still trying with the meds for my VS and I have really bad tiredness and numb fingers still. They're normally used as anti-depressants rather than nerve blockers, really, but I was hoping they would affect both and be anti-depressive as well as nerve altering. However, since I've been on them, my mood has gone down even more. I've been tearful and crying today for no reason.
Maybe it takes longer for them to work - someone told me a few weeks. I'm really forgetful and forgot if I took a dose or not so I took another one in case I hadn't had any, so I hope I haven't. If I did, they're only 10mgs each so 20mgs wouldn't hurt me.
I've decided to keep a meds log so I know what I've taken.
Poor DD4 has been bored as I've been too tired to do much with her. All I did today was help her with a railway and read 2 story books. I feel guilty. I must do better tomorrow.
Good news is another one of my poems has just been published in this book of pregnancy poetry. I only get $10 for it but that's better than no pay, right?
I'm thinking of going for counselling again but am not sure as it leaves a paper trail. Confidentiality can be broken in the event of any future court action. Courts don't comply with confidentiality. They can ask for records to be released. I'm thinking I need a bit of extra help, but don't know how to get it - even asking for help would risk losing DD4.
I need to think more. Maybe it'll get better and it's just these meds.
Quote: They can ask for records to be released. I'm thinking I need a bit of extra help, but don't know how to get it - even asking for help would risk losing DD4.
Can you check on that? I was very worried, and discussed with my T many times, that XW would try to get records from her. It's not so easy as I thought, at least here, as XW would have to specify in great detail exactly what she wanted. She'd have no blanket, "turn over everything" right to my records.
If there were suspicion of abuse, then confidentiality goes out the window, but even then, mere accusation does not constitute a reasonable suspicion. I checked into that when she was keeping S6 away, and he had cuts on his face the first time I "stole" a meeting with him. I didn't make any accusations, but I did speak with some of the counselors in the local child protection service about how to proceed if I did have evidence that someone was hurting him, or hurting his siblings.
You obviously know the sitch over there, and your sitch in particular, much better than I do. It just might be worthwhile to make some discreet inquiries before giving up on seeking any help you need for yourself.
And big congrats on another publication!
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
It's happened to me before, that's how I know. They used it against me when I lost custody. I don't know about USA, but here in the UK, your XW wouldn't apply to see your records herself, they wouldn't allow that. The COURT would apply for them.
In my country, the law stands as this: Counselling records are confidential and a counsellor may only release them if there is a child protection issue or a terrorist threat, HOWEVER, if a court makes a order to see the records, then these have to be made available and if the counsellor disagrees, then he or she could face contempt of court charges.
In my case, it wasn't Andy who asked for the records, but the JUDGE.
We had gone to marriage counselling a couple of times after the split. Andy had no intention of reconciling, but went anyway just to be seen to be doing 'the right thing'. It was only a few weeks after the 'bomb', I was a wreck, he'd disappeared off with the kids and I didn't know where he was, plus I was pregnant and my hormones were everywhere, so I told the counsellor how depressed and hopeless I felt and later on in the court proceedings, the judge got this info to use to prove unfitness through depression. The counsellor assured me it was confidential, and as a previous counsellor myself, that's what I told my clients.
But there's no such thing as confidential in a court - once you're there it's a public arena.
They got me on depression and disability, using my counselling records and my doctor's records. Of course I did try to challenge them on the disability issue, as they were saying because I had CP I wasn't fit to look after children and I brought up the disability discrimination act, which was difficult to do because we've only had anti-discrimination laws in the UK since 1995.
I did get an apology from the Chief of Police (for not upholding my custody due to disability), but the court just tried to cover everything up. Suddenly loads of my records went 'missing' relating to the discrimination and false allegations which were made against me, disappeared. We got a lady judge in, who remarked how odd it was that half the evidence had 'gone'.
I could have pushed it further to the High Court, as I would have had to to fight on the discrimination issue, but since no one has ever challenged the act before or used it in law, I would have been making a precident in law and I felt that humble little 27 year old me was far too young and powerless to take on and change British law.
I wish I'd been in my 30's or 40's as I think I would have had the maturity to do it.
I'm so scared of going to a counsellor in case it happens again.
I didn't go to the doctor for 2 years after the court, as they used my medical record and I just didn't want anything on record, so what can you do? Even if I had a medical reason for going, I didn't, until recently.
I am so lucky that the nortripyline was prescribed for vulvodynia and not depression, because if they mention anti-D's again I can just said, 'it's for vulvodynia!'
Maybe I should try to find some sort of meditation group or some sort of spiritual group that could help me, without 'counselling' as such?
As a plus point, I've just been published AGAIN. Mother magazine just took on an article from me. I had unassisted (no midwife or doctor) home birth with no meds, and they are featuring my story in their next issue. I seem to be having a good time of it as far as my freelancing goes - just not in other aspects of life.
This may be off beat.But if you feel the need to get help you should get it.My thinking is that putting it off because your afraid is unfair to you.
Not going to the dr for two years because your afraid it will be used against you is holding you hostage.
But getting the help you need in the long run will look like you are doing the right thing.If it helps you then it helps the kids.And nothing bad can come from that in the long run.
And if you don't tell Andy your going then he won't know.After all your not married to him any more.It really isn't his business what you do.Just don't tell him.
Have a good afternoon.It is noon now isn't it?
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
I agree with Briget. X has no right to know if you're in IC or not. So DON'T tell him. He seems to hook you with his questions - maybe b/c its a little flattering or he appears to care. Don't read it as such. You can survive without his 'care' now - just as you have for the past 2-3 yrs.
An IC could help you to develop scripts/plans to deal with him when he gets controlling. But the work will also help you to flatten or stabilize your mood, bringing all of you more peace - oddly, even benefiting Andy.
If you don't want IC, own it as such rather than pointing the finger at him. If he's being over controlling and threatening, tell him to bugger off, or be polite but firm when he starts his inquiries. You're a bright adult woman, an accomplished author, Jo. You could set boundaries with him in your sleep, if you choose to do so. You merely have to be willing to sacrifice your fix of Andy's 'caring.'
Jo - As an anti-depressant, this drug takes up to three months to take full effect (although some people get benefit from it earlier, but you wouldn't be able to say for sure it was working or not until you gave it 3 months). The VD effect should be quicker than that.
What were you doing up at 5.22am, you party animal, LOL Yes it would have been 12.22 in the afternoon here.
I wouldn't tell Andy. I'm just worried if he started court proceedings in future (you never know with him) and they asked if I was in therapy and I said no, they might find out somehow.
I'm just feeling paranoid about it, but I lost my other kids because I asked for help repeatedly. They told me I was doing the right thing and then they used it against me, so I am reticent about requesting help from anyone other than finding it from within myself.
