Thinking of you and your family, worrying about you and praying for you. May you literally experience the ungirding support of God and people who care for you and may you know peace through a turbulent time.
Lass, You do what you need to do. Our love and prayers will be with you.
When you go to the MC, I would open up the dialogue with this: "I have recently discovered that H is a sex addict. Do you have experience with dealing with this and, if not, can you direct me to someone who does?" IOW, I wouldn't waste one more *minute* on marriage counseling until he is able to get healthy. You can't help him through it, Lass. I know you want to be able to, to not have the last 3 years and Ian's family be a sham..but he needs intensive therapy and SOON. I feel for him and have no doubt that he feels remorse, shame, and crushing self loathing. Is he willing to go to a 12 step type program? That might add some much needed accountability to his life.
Good luck and I'll miss you. Stop in from time to time, if you can.
I think you are squarely in control of this situation and how it affects both you and Ian and I am pulling for all of you--including your H. You know this man better than anyone and it doesn't mattter one wit what I, nor anyone else, think--being so far outside of your householdd. And I know no one here would try and tell you what you should do. All just purely objective (if not often hard) observations about the facts at hand. Along with a deep caring for you as an "almost real" person, with the moniker GEL.
I think stepping away to clear your head is wise. This BB is more for rebuilding/maintaining/improving and you are a long way from there at this point.
I really truly empathize too. i know exactly what you are feeling. The big reason why I regretted not stepping away from my R physically was due to exactly what you just said. Every time her cell phone rang...her text message beeped my heart seized. I was afraid to leave her alone for a minute; wanted to rip the phones out of the wall, monitor her cell etc. etc. aThen when she had a sales trip to the same city as where OM lives, alone, for a few days it got to the point where I was, indeed, in real danger of becoming a full blown insane paranoiac. But I held back from doing all you are doing with monitoring. I said to myself, no, if I'm going to say I forgive her and tell her I trust her to tell me the truth about staying away from OM, I have to stand by my word or else my distrust and paranoia will destroy any chances to rebuild what we once had.
So I think getting to the bottom of this via monitoring, even if it means tailing him with a PI over the next however much time, is warranted only as if it will make you feel less freaked out paranoid--as how I felt by choosing to not do any of these things. This is your peace of mind we're talking about here and no cost can be given for that.
Yes, it is obvious you do love yourself first...and Ian and that's fantastic...as this love combined with your strong intuition is already 90 percent of the resources you need to sort this all out.
Just, speaking from experience here, please also monitor yourself and if this feeling of not wanting to leave your H out of your sight does not subside...please please step away from the situation temporarily as it is very true what they say about distancing yourself from a 24/7 situation; it allows for a real unadulterated perspective. Especially when surging emotions are involved.
Pray. Or meditate. Not sure of your beliefs. There is a good saying I like to remember that will give you strength in any situation:
"lord. Help me to remember there is nothing that can happen to me today that You and i together cannot handle."
And no need to explain giving second chances. The last thing any of us would want to do to someone with a real problem over which they feel no control is leave them on the side of the road and drive away. it just again shows what kind of person you are. Only you know what your tolerance level will be.
Hang in there, GEL, this too shall pass eventually. Step away to clear your mind but please consider occasionally just popping in here to post a line or 2 to say how Ian and yourself are doing.
Big Ole Bear hug
-Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
You are in my thoughts and prayers. Come back some time just to tell us you are still ok even if you don't stay. You are smart woman. You will be fine. You will find the right path.
Hey, I know you're not here right now and that you don't really *know* me, but I am thinking about you. How horrible (and familiar) to feel not only that your trust is completely destroyed, but that you've been trying so hard, only to find that your H is secretly acting in such a way that none of your *trying* really matters.
Now, when I was in a somewhat similar situation (I found out my then-H was an alcoholic and constantly lying about it), I quickly realized that nothing I could do was going to help and that the relationship would never get any better until he came clean, admitted his problem and stopped lying to me.
And I realized that he was going to have to do all those things without me (at the time we were separated, but he was begging to come back). I decided it was something that wasn't my problem, but that would poison our relationship until he fixed it.
It took years, but I didn't even consider getting back together with him until he had completely stopped drinking.
Obviously not exactly your situation, but maybe something with a few parallels.
I am going to miss you posting for me, my minion, but then again, you know how selfish I am. 