Blondie was 9 when Robert and I went through the D. He was never home anyway. She knew it was coming as we had been separated for several months before I finally decided to file since he refused. She was actually fine with it. The only problem was that he kept telling her that one day we would get back together. I had to finally call him and tell him to stop giving her false hope that we were never getting back together. It was done. He's never been around much, broken all kinds of promises to her...blah blah blah. But she and I are as close as can be. She says it's because we're all we have. She's right. He's gotten a bit better I think. Afterall, he is taking her on vacation for the first time in 6yrs this summer. Now he's promised to buy her a car for her 16th bday. Maybe he is coming around a bit.
I was always very open with her through everything. We talked it all through. There was a time a year or so ago when we were back in court and she actually wanted him to give up parental rights and have Dave adopt her. That would have been a mess considering all we have been through this year. Things happen for a reason. Blondie was always smarter than the average bear, she knew there were problems, we weren't your typical family.
No real advice. I think it is a real positive that both of you are doing it together. Take care of yourself and those precious kids. No WW stuff for a while
Oh and please feel free to have a glass of my Chateau Cardboard Merlot. It's really quite good. Had a chat with bottleshop man once and even he thinks it is a good drop.
Now Beth are you taking your vitamins? ~ iron esp. if you are feeling tired.
Hey Beth...good luck with the talk. I made XH do all the talking, and actually, I just sat there. And cried when they cried. So be prepared, this is something that will most likely rip your heart out, but if you are ready going in it will be a bit easier to take.
I think it's good you've waited for awhile with the sep. My XH insisted on telling the kids within a week after telling me...and I was still emotionally unstable, so I wasnt' much help to my kids. You will be more able to help them through this since you have processed a lot of yours. You can do it!
Thanks so much for all of your support and suggestions on how to tell the kids. Went fairly well, only a few tears shed. D11 is more upset about the possibility of moving. She loves this house and her friends live nearby. S6 wasn't too phased by any of it. I asked him if he knew what divorce was. He said it is when two parents aren't together any more. Smart kid. So, they seem to handling this well. Probably better than me.
I'm having a tough day today. STBXH and I went and had a cup of coffee to discuss a few things. I kinda laid into him about how disappointed I was that he never gave us a chance (he said he did - wow - he didn't talk to her for 3 whole weeks!) and that he hurt me so much. Told him it would be a while before I was ready to give someone my heart again. I think that hit him the most. Anyway, I threw some anger at him and a few jabs. To be honest, in the whole 17 months since the 1st bomb I haven't laid into him much at all. But still, it wasn't right. So I sent him an e-mail and apologized.
I now see that I am still pretty angry and do resent him quite a bit right now. I really need to start letting it go. But maybe I really need to feel it first. If I keep trying to get over it too quickly I may never completely let it go. So, I'm doing pretty well now but I still have a LONG way to go.
One interesting thing. He did say that he doesn't have a good reason yet for the D. He still isn't even sure it's the right thing. But he also knows he can't end his relationship with the OW either. That he's afraid he'll hurt me again by starting up with her if we try to reconcile. So, as I see it, he's so damn addicted that even though he "feels empty" (his words!) with her and really isn't truly happy he can't walk away from it either. It's very sad and someday he will wish he had worked harder on his marriage.
So, that's it for me. It's funny. In a way I feel very in control of my life for the first time in a LONG time and in a way I feel so completely out of control. Does that make any sense? But for that matter, does any of this make any sense? But I'll let Al wax philosophical on us. He's much better at it than I am!
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
I now see that I am still pretty angry and do resent him quite a bit right now.
Sounds like you may have been resenting him for some time and it built up.
But maybe I really need to feel it first. If I keep trying to get over it too quickly I may never completely let it go.
It may be more a matter of learning how to manifest anger in a healthier way in order to let it go.
Or cutting down on the coffee!!!!!!!
But he also knows he can't end his relationship with the OW either. That he's afraid he'll hurt me again by starting up with her if we try to reconcile.
I got that too from my ex back when. At least they're honest about that. In my case, she knew she couldn't let go of him, and knew she'd only continue to hurt me.
In a way I feel very in control of my life for the first time in a LONG time and in a way I feel so completely out of control. Does that make any sense?
I'll take a jab at it (Uh oh, no pun intended. Or maybe it was )
I'd say you vented long held anger and asserted yourself and that served you up some emotional relief and you're happy you asserted yourself, so you feel good; the manner in which you did so you're not too proud of and regretted, so that makes you feel out of control.
Maybe the thing to do is to learn ways to assert yourself that don't involve temper?
It's ok to be angry.It's how you handle it that is the key.I think that you handled the telling the kids very well.Would you like to know how my kids found out we were getting a divorce.
In june it will have been three years since my S20 found the emails to the ow.My stbx was out to sea at the time.I had two weeks to stew about it before he came back from sea.I was in a rage by the time he got back.A complete an utter rage.I had packed up his things.They were sitting in the front hallway when he got home.My kids already knew about ow.They had read the emails.
When he walked in the door I blasted him.I hit him.I spit on him.I threw things.I kicked his car lights as he was putting things in the trunk.All the nabors were outside watching.I called him every name in the book.
And as he was driving away I was still screaming.I picked one of the kids skates up and threw it at his car as he was driving away.
How I wish now that we had sat them down and told them like adults.But I chose not to behave like an adult.You and your H choose to at least hehave like adults.
Almost three years later I still regret my behavior.I know that right now it hurts like hell.But at least you did it in a way that isn't distrutive to your children.
I have learned to tame my temper.But for me it was very hard.
You will find what works for you in the long run.I'm not so sure telling your H what you felt was a bad thing.They do need to hear it.At least you weren't throwing a skate at him at the time.
Hang in there it really does get better.
Later Friend Briget
The grass is always greener over the septic tank... Erma Bombeck
Treat hate with Love... DR. Martin Luther King
Thanks as always for the advice. And the link looks very good. I'll go through it thoroughly when I have some time this evening. And in regard to the in control/ out of control thing I really meant my life overall but also in this specific case. Anyways, the coping site will help alot!
Briget -
Thanks so much for your post. I know you wish you could change things. But you also released alot of your anger too and didn't hold on to it like me. I don't think there is a perfect way to handle this. We all do it in our own unique ways. And part of me wishes I could throw something at him. I wouldn't, but it is tempting!
Thought I'd post my Cainerscope:
Push is coming to shove. The irresistible force is heading rapidly towards the immovable object. Decision day is on the way. You can sense it. That's why you feel so edgy and restless. Something, soon, is due to give way in a big way... but what? How? When? And where will you be once it has happened? Let's cover those questions, in order. The 'what' is YOU-KNOW-WHAT. The 'how' is 'dramatically', but not in a bad way or in quite the way you now expect. The 'when' is 'soon'. And the 'where' is - 'in your heart'... which is about to start feeling much happier.
Felt this really fit today.
WCB
God grant me the serenity,
to accept the things I cannot change,
To change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr
I am so proud of the way you handled yourself today... Within the divorce process, anger is a natural emotion since D inevitably brings about a major life disruption. I can relate with you when you said in a way you feel in control of your life for the first time in a very LONG time, and in a way you feel so completely out of control. That statement makes alot of sense to me. In my opinion, a part of the anger comes from not feeling in control of the situation. The truth is there will always be areas in our lives that we will not be able to control. You may not be able to change your H, but you can continue to make some good choices of your own. And, when you do that... it will help you to feel better about yourself.
IMO, anger can actually motivate you to take positive action and move on with your new life. Anger is an important emotion you will experience as you come to terms with the end of your M, and try to let go of your old life. The important part is not to get stuck with this emotion for too long or let it control your actions. In order to get off your own "emotional roller-coaster ride", you need to own all of your feelings and allow yourself time to grieve and feel the pain. Let your feelings out by writing about them, crying about them, or just plain screaming your head off (just make sure your kids are not around! )...
Beth, give yourself permission to spend time with your feelings so you can eventually let them go and move on. Try to use your anger in a positive way in order to continue to make more positive changes in your life. This is an experience that you need to go through to create a new life and find your happiness. The best revenge comes when you eventually let go of your anger and allow happiness to blossom.
I am thinking of you today, Bethie! As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers... Your friend, Kim
Hats off for how you continue to handle things (in true WW style ).
Don't give yourself too much grief about letting wah have it. Your anger is justified, and I am sure you did it with dignity (no plates flying? ). Sometimes I think the was don't really get to hear about the consequences of their actions, and really need it to be spelt out to them.
You said sorry, and tomorrow is a brand new day!
Glad the kids are doing ok.They are wiser than we know. I am sure you'll all be having some extra hugs for the next while.
Love your stars ~ very apt. Take care of yourself ~ lots of medicinal chocolate and wine or those wicked chocolate martinis
I had to just pop in and say that you are doing great. I truly admire how you have found your strength and begun a new adventure. Way to go!
I know I haven't e-mailed you about that drink but I can't seem to get out of my funk long enough to actually begin my life. It's not even that things are going bad (they are not) I just think that I got knocked so low before. I'm beginning to find that the state I'm in now (low grade depression) is actually euphoric compared to where I was. So pathetic. That's why I need to read about you and the others flying through the air and giving the evil doers of the world the ole one two with your chocolate martini punches. Keep the world safe!
)
)...
or those wicked chocolate martinis 