I've spent a few days away from the boards, and still don't feel quite like jumping back in the saddle. But it's Christmas after all, and a hard one. Just like everyone else's ... so I don't feel so bad about just plain venting. This time.
Haven't heard a word from H. Not today. Not yesterday. Not the day before. Just as simple as that. My girls haven't gotten a phone call. No gift. No f*ck you. Nothing.
Maybe this is the easiest way to deal with things. I know from a prior conversation I had with H that he was planning to go to PA. When I decided to stop my DBing efforts, I decided to really stop. I mean, if I'm gonna go out, might as well be with a bang. So I sent his mom a letter. She knows I'm a champion for the truth, and I felt the need to respond to some of the things H had recently told me about his parents -- like the fact that they didn't respond to my letters in September and October because H had convinced them that the baby I'm carrying might not be his.
I don't care about changing their opinion of me or my sitch. I simply explained in the letter what went down recently and told his mom that the next time I'm the topic of discussion at the family dinner table, that maybe the truth could be discussed rather than some fabricated story aimed at damaging my character.
So in essence, I introduced the in-laws to OW. I'm very sure H hadn't breathed a word about her to them. He did, after all, have to uphold his story that he is the victim. I'm sure he's pretty pi$$ed at me exposing the truth. But I didn't do it out of spite. I didn't do it to cause any friction between any two people. I did it because it was the right thing to do, and because I'm tired of taking the blame for something that simply isn't my fault.
Now, if they continue to want to blame me, they can. At least they know "my side of the story." And I did H's dirty work for him by letting his parents know he has a new GF. He can go screw up *her* life now. I'm done letting him screw with mine.
Christmas was otherwise wonderful, despite the occasional crying bout. I locked myself in my parents' bathroom during family dinner last night. I just wasn't able to pull myself together, and I didn't want the girls to see me like that. I finally broke down and had a glass of wine -- hey! they do it in France! -- and that knocked the edge off a little. My sister and her H and two kids, plus my brother and his fiancee, all came over to my house, and Santa visited here. The girls were thrilled this morning. They haven't even mentioned H, except for last night when they saw my red, puffy eyes -- and knew I'd been crying because I miss him. But it's good to know that such heartache and pain can go seemingly unnoticed for the kids. That gives me hope.
My family, as always, has been very supportive. And I've decided that I'll go to my sister's, which is about 3 hours from my home, for New Year's. She's preggo, too -- about four weeks further along than me. So I won't have to be around all my high-flyin' friends here. I love 'em to death, ya know, but it's hard to be depressed and pregnant on such an occasion. I told my dad today that this will likely be the first New Year's that I've spent sober in 10 years. . H and I were in NYC last New Year's. What a memory! It will make this one all the harder.
Valentine's Day is my anniversary, and that's gonna be the worst, though many of my friends have volunteered to dump their Hs for me. . I think I'd rather just take Tylenol PM and sleep that entire day -- actually, the entire weekend before, all the way through that day. Hurts my heart to know that H already has his Valentine in place. He'll likely be spending our wedding anniverary with OW. Ouch.
Hey Preggo. It's Christmas and you have the right to vent. I am not commenting at all except to say I feel for you, and I wish you didn't have to go through this. My anniversary is Friday. My ex will definitly be enjoying it in a way I won't. Maybe she'll feel guilty for once in her life. Next day I will have the boys for a kid's NYE. Last year I was in Vegas, so I know what you mean about abrupt changes in fortune.
We missed you, I wanted to make sure you were okay, My PG counterpart. Please just try and be strong for your children and yourself. I had an okay xmas although it would have been better if H was not there. He pretty much just sits there and annoys the f*ck out of me at this point. Right now I am so pissed I pretty much cannot stand the sight of him. Not very loving I know, and not DB'ing but he's an a*s...
Hey, theresa. Thanks so much. It's good to know I was missed. I'll prolly be back around some, but I don't know how much. I read a lot of passages over the weekend that drew to my attention that we help ourselves through helping others. My sitch can't use help, but maybe I can help others in theirs. We'll see.
Sigh. I was washing dishes this morning, and noticed that the girls must have used one of my stainless steel coffee mugs, as it was in the sink, dirty. It's not just any coffee mug. It's one H gave me for Christmas last year. Of all the stainless steel coffee mugs I own, the girls would have to pick this one. Sigh again. Wanted to share with you guys what H inscribed on it before giving it to me last year. It's from my favorite card that he ever gave me. He re-printed it on my mug so I'd have it with me always ...
Despite any obstacles that come our way and all the many differences we've shared, I find myself loving you more with time. I love you when our moods vary and when our opinions go in opposite directions. I love you when your ideas aren't quite the same as mine and our beliefs clash. I love you when you take a stand on what you feel is absolutely right, even if I feel not the same way. I even love you when you're tired and grumpy and don't want much to do with me at that moment. What I'm trying to say is that I love you no matter what, even as we struggle to be our own individuals. It doesn't matter how different we may be. As I've spent more and more time by your side, I've learned that I love you most of all because you are different from me and can express it. I love you for what you believe, for the emotions you feel, and for the ideas that help me open my own mind to possibilities I haven't yet explored. ~Bev K. Metott, rescribed by H -- Christmas '04 ~ I Love You
I saw your post over on the Surviving forum. I just wanted to let you know that you're gonna be okay. My STBX dropped the bomb right after I found out I was pg with our 4th. It does get better.
Hey, April. Thank you. I know I'll be better in about 4 months. That's when the baby's due. I'm hanging on for dear life until then.
My H has the entire week off this week. I was hoping he'd stay in PA. He didn't. He's already back home. You guys have *no idea* -- or maybe you do -- how hard it is to live across the street from your cheating spouse. Of course, I think, after I walked in on him, that maybe he's taken his A to the OW's neck of the woods. H hasn't been home a lot lately. The way I look at it: The more time they spend together, the sooner those fires will burn out. Then again, maybe not. And what does it matter anyway?
Anyway, I went home a little while ago, and guess who's in the driveway, working on his gawd-awful car? I swear, I just wish he would go away. I spent several days with my parents, in another town, over Christmas, and it was such a respite. I realized that if H or I either one would simply move to a different section of town, I could get over him in a fraction of the time it's going to take me to move on while we're practically next-door neighbors. But legally, I can't move. We'll see what happens with H after his roomie moves away next month. Roomie is buying his house, and last I heard, H wasn't sure if he'd be selling it or renting it after he moved. H had told he doesn't have enough $ to afford rent on his own, since he's still paying the mortgage on our house (where I'm living). Up until I caught him in his compromising position, H's plan was to move back home in Jan., when roomie moved. Obviously, that's not going to happen now.
I had the worst thought two days before Christmas: What if J (OW) moves in with H? Ugh. That would totally suck. But it would make sense. He could split the cost of rent with her. Ya know, it's hard enough for me to deal with seeing H's car everyday. I'm not sure how I'd handle seeing her there, too. Oh well. Nothing I can do about it. I'll just have to wait and see.
So back to me going home a little while ago: I'm driving my parents' car. The inspection on mine is two months past due, so my dad is getting it inspected for me. When I pulled into my driveway a little while ago, H smiled from behind the hood of his car and said, "Nice car." He was being more sarcastic than anything. So I decided to bite. "Thanks," I replied. "A friend of mine is borrowing my car, and he's getting it inspected for me, finally." I walked inside and shut the door behind me. (Hey, my dad *is* my friend, right?? )
If he's dumb enough to believe that anybody's gonna shack up with a preggo woman, well, then he's dumb enough to believe it, I guess. And maybe there are some guys like that out there. I've never found one, though.
When I was leaving, I showed H a tiny pair of shoes that the girls' gymnastics instructor gave me for Christmas. H was indifferent and said, "Sweet." I told him I'd catch him later, and left.
Four more months, four more months, four more months. That's my mantra.
Ugh. Woke up at 4 a.m. this morning in a cold sweat. Having a dream about H and OW. I've read about having those type dreams. Apparently it's a natural and recurring phenomenan. Makes me sick. It's almost like your mind, just at the time when it is "dropping the rope," gets scared to actually do it or something. So the dream strikes, and it starts us all back at square one. Well, kinda.
Yak. It just makes me feel icky. Now, my mind is right back to thinking of H and OW. Why is that? But then my mind continues on to think that maybe, just maybe, I should remember this sitch for what it is. I'm preggo. H abandoned me for another girl. I don't care how little of a conscience he has, he *must* somewhere, down deep inside, feel a little like a piece of sh!t for what he's done.
Oh well. Doesn't do much for me, now does it?
I don't know how many of you truly believe in signs -- or, as a friend of mine calls them: God winks, or, as I sometimes call them: Universal blips (also known as coincidences) -- but I've had a couple really interesting ones recently, related to H. And I don't understand the purpose of them. I really don't. I mean, shouldn't *he* be the one that's being reminded of me in some way? Anyway, I'll write more on those later...
It's good to have you back! Sorry that you had a rough Christmas, but you are so strong you'll get past it and be better off! I have been wondering how Christmas has affected the WAS and how they MUST feel something (guilt, remorse, discomfort, just something) for what they have done. Take comfort in the thought that your H was feeling like sh*t at some point in the day for the decisions he's made!
Those dreams are the worst, aren't they? I hate being haunted by the thought of the OW. You're right, it kind of puts you back to square one with your feelings. The good part is that you're much more wise now than before, so you're not really at square one after all. It may feel like it, but you're in a better place than you were before and you have the insight of knowing better! It's normal to have these dreams though. The situation is on your mind, so of course it will come to you in dreams. Don't be discouraged, just recognize it as a dream and continue on...
I've heard that having a glass of wine isn't bad for the baby once you've made it through the first trimester. Don't worry, you certainly earned that glass of wine! Your baby's old enough not to suffer any reprocussions from it.
. H and I were in NYC last New Year's. What a memory! It will make this one all the harder.
. I think I'd rather just take Tylenol PM and sleep that entire day -- actually, the entire weekend before, all the way through that day. Hurts my heart to know that H already has his Valentine in place. He'll likely be spending our wedding anniverary with OW. Ouch. 
