Well, I'm finally moving over from the Separated board. Things have been improving slowly, but I was waiting until I got concrete communication from H that he wants to live together when he gets restationed (in the military) in two years time.
And I finally got what I was waiting for early this morning!
Recap of sitch: I'm 30, H is 33, S is 3. More than a year and a half ago S3 and I moved to H's new station in Alaska. H seemed to flip out at his new station. A month or two later he announced that he was moving out of our new house and onto his ship. 5 months later things deteriorated into talking about D and S and I moved back to the continental US to live with my mom. H said he was filing for D. 6 more months later he visited us and said he couldn't file, but didn't commit to the M at same time. We slowly started to develop a kinder R over email and sometimes phone. And over this past Thanksgiving H visited and we were almost a family again. "Almost" because we did and talked about everything except when we would be living together again.
The last few months we have been looking at buying a house for S3 and I, so we can move out of my mom's (which is getting pretty uncomfortable). After agonizing about the issue of whether or not S and I are going to follow H to his next station so we can be a family again, I finally decided to come out and ask him (email) in a nice way. That way I could be confident that H and I are thinking the same thing about our future and buying a house that we plan to turn around and sell in a couple years when he is restationed.
His emailed back right away saying that he was just waiting for me to bring it up and wanted us to live together as a family again.
Wahoooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I feel like I finally belong here in piecing and I have an inkling of what my future might look like.
I am having the most amazing day . This much good news doesn't fall on a person's head more than once ever 5 years!
I work at a university and I'm a staff advisor for a rowing club just starting out. Today high level employee of the nation's biggest boat builder just called to say that he is from this area and was so excited to here that a club is starting up here. He said he'll do what ever he can for us!
And I made an offer on the house and it was the first offer (they are expecting another offer to come in later today). I'll know by Sunday. It wasn't a very high offer, but I'm hoping they atleast come back with a reasonable counter offer.
Whew! I'll have to remember this feeling and remenisc on it later.
Besides making it clear that he wants us to live together again there were some things in H's email this morning that really stuck with me.
He said, "I know that we have some things to talk about and me making things right may take some time but I do want a future with you." This is the first indication I've ever gotten that he might be acknowleding his part in the separation. I can only speculate about what he means by "me making things right," but for now I'll let myself just love how different that sounds than "we have no future."
He also said "I don't know what gave you the impression that I didn't want to live with you until I retire." Well, I'm ECSTATIC to hear that my assumption was dead wrong. But, honestly, when he says infront of me and his mother that he's going to be out of S's life for the next 5 years, what am I to think? I guess sometimes H throws around words just because. But other times he seems to be so careful with them.
I am so happy we've finally broken this plateau. And one thing about being so far apart is that it's not as easy for me to screw up and get too excited too soon. I hope we do get to talk about "some things." But, I know I'll have to bring it up. The problem is knowing when it's time to bring it up and when it's pushing. But, that's worrying about problems before they happen again. We may not need to have any of those talks until it's time to move again.
Opti, Glad to hear things are going well for you. Its a pick me up to see things work out, glad I looked in this forum. I'm in a similar situation (military separation) and curious as to what types of e-mails and sometime phone calls can help develop a kinder R since I think that is the direction for me to head to next(jokes?, small talk?, work?, kids?,) . Spouse will be coming for an Xmas visit in a few days and am hoping things will seem like the old family again. Don't know what directions conversations may take but would be nice to have an idea of when we can all get together again. Congratulations again on your progress. RJ
I am really happy for you. I know that you will work things out, and i know that it will be hard sometimes, but just don;t forget how far you have come and how much you have learned. MERRY CHRISTMAS
There can be no testimony without a test. I am praying to go through this test and come out the other end with a new and better marriage then before.
I just posted over at your thread. It's good to find someone who knows about the complications of military separations.
Email comms was the key to developing a kinder R between H and I. Who would have thought. I always figured it wasn't "real" unless you said it face to face. And I've always felt lacking because I'm so horrible at leveling about my feelings face to face with people I love. And here I find out my flaw is an asset!
Email is great because you can plan out exactly what you're going to say. You can re-read and erase and revise... Maybe I should write a text book on restoring M through cyberspace (that's a joke-honestly, I haven't suddenly become that cocky!)
Basically, I DBd through email, which is SO MUCH easier than doing it in person. Because in person, people respond to you on the spot and usually not according the script you prepared. I imagin DBing on the phone would be more difficult than email. So maybe it's a good thing that H never calls (with hint of bitterness)
RonJon, if you ever want my input on anything and you're willing to take your chances on the validity of my opinion, I'm here!
Thank you all for your congrats. It's so nice to have turned this corner. It's funny how milestones that you dream about are always anticlimactic. I was floating there for a while and it was good. But, things are "back to normal" now. I'm tired, things are still stressfull, but I'm doing it. I'm OK. Keep on keep'n on...
. This much good news doesn't fall on a person's head more than once ever 5 years!
(with hint of bitterness)