Okay, I just caught my H with his pants down. I had just moved from Separated over to Piecing, because things were looking up. That is, until today.
Here's a brief low-down of our sitch:
I'm 28. He's 32. Married almost 2 years; been together 3 ½. I have D8 and D9 from a previous marriage, and I'm 18 weeks pregnant now. Two weeks after I found out I was preggo, H came home from work (on Sept. 16) and dropped the bomb -- out of absolutely nowhere. No indication, no warning. Everything had been beautiful up to that point. He had convinced himself the baby might not be his. He didn't start with the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" stuff. He went straight for the throat: "I hate you. You make me sick. I've never loved you. I've been lying to you for three years."
I tried to rationalize with him for two weeks, when he would stop by to pick up more of his things. But he wouldn't have it, so I finally gave up. Tried to interest him in the baby to no avail. Told me he didn't want to have anything to do with him/her. I went completely dark for three weeks, then gradually came out, asking him to do me favors like change the oil in my car. That was right before Thanksgiving. Since, we've been mending things, and he took me on a date this past Saturday. He told me about a girl he had taken out a few times. Said he had called it off with her right before Thanksgiving and "noting happened" between the two of them. He said she kept saying she didn't want to be his rebound, and things were moving too serious, too fast. He said that's why he called it off with her. I told him I understood. He said it was important for me to know that he didn't leave me for her.
My H went with me and my girls to the ultrasound yesterday, and we found out we're having a boy. H was ecstatic. He was over last night, working on a car, and told me he thought we could work things out. He said he didn't see any reason to go through with the D. We talked about him moving back in in the future, etc.
Also last night, I asked him about his LL. He said it was "receiving gifts" from me, especially ones I make, like T-shirts that I design and make for him. So I went out today and got some T-shirt transfers and a black shirt. I scanned a picture of the baby's skull from yesterday's ultrasound, and put crossbones behind it (my H's style). I called him at lunch and left him a voicemail to tell him I had him a gift. Then I drove down to where he's living, across the street and three houses down.
I saw a car in the driveway that I had seen a girl driving there once before, but I didn't think much of it. Actually, I did. But I acted like I didn't. Tried knocking on the door, and he didn't come out, so I welcomed myself into the house and called his name. He didn't answer. So I called him again, walking toward his bedroom, and he said, "What?" and came out, pulling the door shut behind him. He was in his boxers.
The deer in the headlight look came next. I gave him the shirt and apologized for interrupting. He looked like I had just hit him with a baseball bat. He smiled, very sheepishly. Embarassed, obviously.
Ironically, I was passing by the house when both cars were pulling out of the driveway -- his and hers. I was behind them. She turned onto a road, so I was behind H. He called my cell and asked if I was freaked out. I told him no, that he had to do what he had to do. He said, "Well I'm not freaked out either 'cause I told you about her. I mean, I told you that I had cut it off with her, and I did. But she called today, wanting to bring me lunch, and then we just decided to have sex."
I reminded him again that we were separated, and that he could do whatever he needed to do. He said, "Okay, bye." Just like that, and that was it.
My heart is so broken right now. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to act. I just feel so confused. Any advice to get me kickstarted in this long, horrible process would be greatly appreciated.
I'm so sorry hon...I don't even know what to say. He DOES have to explain to you because you are married, what he did was nothing less than cheating. What a total ackhole.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Hey, Becca. This is such devastating news. I don't know what he'll do next. The only thing I can do, I suppose, is crawl back in my dark hole here.
I forgot to add a couple things. H, when he called me, said, "What did you think I was going to be doing when you walked in?" I said, "I didn't know. I didn't know whose car was in the driveway. It could've been a business person for all I know." And he said, "In my bed??" I said, "Well, obviously I didn't know you were in the bed with someone when I came in." Again, I apologized for interrupting him. At some point in the conversation, he said, "That was a really cool gift, by the way."
I've already called my atty to let him know what went down. Left him a message to see how, if at all, this plays into things. I'm wondering, since we're separated -- though we haven't signed a separation agreement -- if it's okay for him to continue with his life as he deems fit.
I don't really care, actually, about the legal end. I know this is bad karma for me, but I'm just hoping this is playing on his conscience. I hope he feels horrible for what just happened. If he's like every other guy I know, he's not feeling bad about the act -- just that he was caught in it.
You know, I wouldn't excuse this! HE has SLEPT with YOU. He has no right. He is cheating. Seperated or not, you are legally married. Stop excusing him and confront him! Coffee was one thing....sex is a whole other ballgame. I so want to tell you to tell him to go to HE!!. It is not my right to do so though. WHat makes it even worse is that he just professed to you that he wanted to work it out....and then he just decides to have sex with someone else? I'm so angry at him, I can't even imagine how you must feel.
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
No apologies, bigAl. None at all. I was working on my M. At least now he doesn't have anything to hold over my head, right?
One day, I'll laugh about all this. That was a pretty ballsy thing for me to do (walking in the house, all innocently, like I did). It'll be funny one day.
Yeah, I'm pretty stunned. Haven't shed a tear yet. I'm sure it's anger. Sadness and humiliation will set in one of these days.
Confronting him will do no good, though I wish I could bitch slap his a$$ if you wanna know the truth. But what would confronting him do? It would give him everything he needs to come back and say, "See, this is why I left you."
I certainly won't dignify what he did by giving him any excuses. What's done is done.
I wish I could've been a fly on the wall when it was all said and done. She actually stayed there for another 20 minutes or so after I left. Wonder if I caught him midstream. I bet his sh!t shriveled up quicker than you can snap your fingers.
I just typed up a reply that got lost in never never land. I'm sure it wasn't anything you weren't already thinking, and it must be a sign...so I'll just leave it at that.
(((hugs)))
Have you decided if you are done now or still going to work on it?
Email & MSN Messenger: Becca_1975@msn.com
Yesterday Is History
Tomorrow is a Mystery.
Today is a Gift.
That Is Why It Is Called "The Present"
Heck no. Haven't gotten past the shock of what happened quite yet. I can tell you this: For today, *I* will not be working on my M. That's for sure. The ball's totally in his court now. All bets are off.
I know you're angry and shocked right now, but you're thinking straight! If you can keep from confronting, arguing, or giving him an excuse, do that.
I agree with Becca. Telling you he wants to work it out and then sleeping with her the next day is just wrong! Nothing you can do about that now, but if he mentions reconciling, maybe he could give you some kind of assurance about his intentions.
The WAS is an ALIEN for sure. It's insane that he could go to see his child on an ultrasound, sleep with OW, and then compliment you on your gift and act like it's normal. Don't you let him get you as confused as he is!
