I know something is wrong with me that makes my H do this
OK, two things:
#1 - There is nothing wrong with you
#2 - The only thing I see your H "doing" is using bad judgement/words in fights or ways of expressing himself
I HONESTLY think your marriage would be a whole lot better if you quit thinking something is wrong with it. Sure it could use some work, but so could just about every marriage in this country. Keep lines of communication open, and look to fill his "love tank" and you will be fine!
My current thread on the "Separated" forum: Click HERE.
Well I am so bummed that my previous post is gone.
Mainly what it said was that I had not come here in quite a while after being told that these problems are all in my head or my fault.
However I realized that is not true. I am doing everything I can to make my marriage strong, just like everyone else here given the opportunity.
I am not the one who wants to run away whenever he feels "unhappy". I am not the one who carried on an internet affair while away from my wife and kids for 6 months (I have no idea how long the EA lasted, it could have been started before he left even). I am not the one who goes to an online gaming site and pretends to be a single man all the while pretending that everything is as it should be to his wife.
But I am the one who will do whatever it takes to make sure this marriage is strong and happy.
It occurs to me as I typed that... maybe my H is just acting "as if".
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I actually had kind of a rough weekend (notice I said I, not us). I felt like I needed to come here and vent (so as not to turn it on H) in a bad way yesterday but I could not get to my computer.
I actually realize not many (if any) are following my sitch, but I need to journal a little bit just for me.
Yesterday morning H got up before me (this RARELY ever happens.) After about 30 minites I went downstairs only to find he had not made coffee... I was so disappointed. So I made the coffee and even took him a cup downstairs (like I always do). But I was so angry inside. When is it my turn to be taken care of a little bit? I enjoy doing things for H like taking him a cup of coffee, but it would be so nice sometime if he would reciprocate.
So that set the tone for the day. My morning consisted of finishing the laundry started the day before, making sure the boys were ready to leave on time for the party we were going to, making H's fav dish to take to the party, getting myself ready and cleaning up the mess H made in the kitchen while making the boys pancakes (which I had to remind him that he had promised the boys he would do).
H's morning consisted of making pancakes, playing on the computer and getting himself ready to go to the party.
H works hard and makes good money, but so do I... I work at least as many (usually more) hours outside the home than he does and we make very similar salaries.
Why is it that I am the one that is expected to do all the house work? Sure occasionally H will do some small chore if asked speciffically... but the house is mainly my repsonsibility.
He says his job is the outside... okay so that consists of mowing the grass on a riding mower several times in the summer and shoveling in the winter (this winter he shovled once). I still have to take care of all the landscaping and flower beds and that kind of thing.
I know it sounds like I am whining and I guess I am. I do a good job of acting "as if", probably too good. I just feel like if I do not vent here at some point I am going to blow up and that would be really bad. All this pretending must stop being healthy at some point. I am afraid I am not applying the DB principle as it should be applied.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I have similar issues in my M. Are you at a point in the M piecing that you can sit and calmly, nicely approach him about this? This may seem overwhelming, since you've already been doing things and housework is usually an organic process anyway, hard to add structure.
BUT, in the situation you described, I see an evil and familiar process playing out...so let's push the stop button. Here it is (and you know the drill): you have an expectation (not bad), you do not tell H, he does not meet it, he fails, you are angry, you still do not tell. This builds up....you've seen it before. H is unsuspecting in his failures to meet an invisible bar his W set for him.
Sure, he should be wonderful and do things on his own....but if we really think about it, there are lots of things that WE do without thought, that probably drive him nuts and hurt..for us, it's just that we forgot. So, why not give him a chance. You said that he helps when you ask...that's GREAT. So, ask. Think of a favorite breakfast he makes, and ask him for it, nicely. Compliment him, make him feel special for making it. When you're doing chores, ask him to help, thank him....etc, etc.
Eventually, I think he might pick up that he should do this without asking. If not, then you have an H that does when asked and you'll have to live with getting around this. Can you? I think so.
This is a touchy time for all of us. We look at each little thing that our spouses do or don't do as a measure of their love. Not so. The fact is that we've all lived in M for so long, so these day-to-day habits are hard to change...but, you can get it there!
I had a lot of the same feelings as you as well. Especially when I was working full-time and had the kids, house and SO to "take care of".
Maybe you should just tell your H that you are feeling a little overwhelmed. Maybe ask him to do specific things in addition to the outside stuff. My SO is a lot like yours. Unless specifically asked, he'll just sit in front of the TV. The baby can be running around with a smelly diaper, and he'll wait until I do it or, as I've done in the past and wasn't so nice, tossed a diaper at him. (Clean one, that is...lol). Sometimes we do such a good job of being Wonder Women, that they sit back and take it for granted. When we go to parties/go away - I'm the one that has to pack for 5 of us! He just sits there. Unless I tell him what to do. Maybe your H is waiting for some 'direction'?
Or maybe point out that if he helped you do XY, & Z, that it would help you get done faster and the two of you will have more time to ...fill in the blank.....
See - I'm not so very good at giving others advice. Have you read The 5 LL's? Even if you have, read it again. I like that book, and reading it again at various points, as well as DR, you can get a different take on things.
You're right that keeping things bottled up becomes unhealthy. What you have to do is find a different way to get your message/complaint/problem across and find a different solution. Maybe this is going to be seen as antagonistic, but if I had been you -I would not have brought him a cup of coffee. If he questioned why, I would say that since he didn't make it that morning, I assumed he didn't want any. Then I would add something lighthearted that I was upstairs waiting for him to bring me some.
I think the trick is to cause a change, you have to start doing things different. Anything...even the littlest thing that may seem insignificant to YOU, may cause a big change in him.
Keep posting Sara. Sometimes I don't have as much time as I'd like, or the right answers/advice to give, but it does help to get things out.
Vent, vent, vent. Many of us feel the same way you do, why can't we just get a little help? Have you tried to make a list? put it in black and white. What he does, what you do. Track it for a while. Either you'll be surprised that he does a lot more than you think he does, or you'll be able to 'lovingly' show him that you could really use a little more help from him around the house.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
If anyone is still reading here I am in a BAD place and I don't know where to go from here.
Acting as if has pretty much become my way of life and I had a real hard time doing it this weekend.
I know I have not been doing the right DB things, I think I never really grasped the concept correctly. I am going to try and start over completely and give this truly my best shot.
I know our communication is horrible and I fear bringing anything R up for fear of H taking that opportunity to say again that he does not love me and I don't want to hear that.
But I also feel we need to talk and get some things in the open.
I am very lost and confused. Normally as long as I am acting as if and being cheerful and loving he will "act" the same. But if I have a hard time doing so like this weekend, he becomes REALLY cold and distant.
I know you are saying then act "as if". Well that is not solving anything it is really just me ignoring what is really going on. My acting 'as if' is me truly being in denial and ignoring what is going on. I think I missed where I was suppose to take some action. We (I) can not live in this stage forever. How do I move from acting "as if" to having a truly loving relationship with my H?
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I've been where you are, probably still am in quite a few ways. What I've been doing in the recent months is working a little more on each piece of my life, trying to put it back in a perspective that gives me something to be happy about. You know what? It’s been working! What are you doing to bring pieces to your life? A little happiness goes a long way in taking over ‘act as if’.
Quote: I know our communication is horrible and I fear bringing anything R up for fear of H taking that opportunity to say again that he does not love me and I don't want to hear that.
AAWWWGGGGG!!! I spent months with that exact same feeling!! I suggest start thinking about what you want to accomplish by talking with your H. Carefully start choosing your words so that they sound positive, sort of like training yourself. I just had our first R talk with H in months, I don't know if I get an 'attagirl' for doing it right, but IMO it was one of our best talks ever, even if it wasn't the results I was hoping to find. But for me, knowing became more important than limbo.
Take care of you, SaraSic.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Have you read The 5 LL's? Even if you have, read it again. I like that book, and reading it again at various points, as well as DR, you can get a different take on things.
Have you tried to make a list? put it in black and white. What he does, what you do. Track it for a while. Either you'll be surprised that he does a lot more than you think he does, or you'll be able to 'lovingly' show him that you could really use a little more help from him around the house.